Light
by Qbbie
Summary: Zara was a young and abused woman and her only escape was watching Supernatural. One night, her husband does the unthinkable and Supernatural is her only escape again- except not in the same way. Stuck in the world of her favorite TV show, Zara tries to help out the Winchesters. She may know more about their future, but can they help her forget her past? (starts mid s6, slight AU)
1. Chapter 1

**Boy Scout,**

**Here it is. I honestly can't believe I'm giving this to you. This silly story was never supposed to be so long, but I got a really good response. Just check out the reviews and the followers counts (hell this thing got over 70k views). All I ask is that, if you read it, you won't think less of me for it. I wrote this when I was lonely and had nothing better to do and I'm not that person anymore- in part thanks to you. But ask and you shall receive I guess... or beg for months on end :P **

**Anyway, Merry Christmas babe.**

**Homeschool**

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A/N Welcome! Just some housekeeping really quick: I currently update once a week (on Saturdays at noon usually). Trigger alert: mentions of abuse, violence, family death, murder, cursing... ya know... regular Supernatural stuff. I don't own Supernatural just my OC bla bla bla. You get it right? I don't really want to say it again so this goes for the whole fic. Oh and for the moment, I'm leaving the Season 7, 8, and 9 finales a secret for those of you who haven't watched that far, but they're fair game by the time I get there. I will be loosely following the main plot lines, but I'm putting my own spin on things. Also, since I have been getting more and more questions about this, I might as well be as up front as possible about it so you don't read over 50 chapters thinking something will happen and then get disappointed. No- there will be no smut in this story. I don't write it and this fic is K+ not M. I don't care when you want to imagine them doing it. Whenever you want. If I ever decide that them having sex is important to the story, I'll tell you.

Anyways now that all that is out of the way... I hope you enjoy it!

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**Chapter 1**

Zara knew it was going to be a hard night as soon as her husband walked in drunk and angry. If he had been drinking, he was the meanest person she knew. By the time he had fallen into a drunken coma on the couch, she had accumulated a black eye, a split lip, maybe a sprained wrist?, and various bruises all over the rest of her body. He would come home almost every night like this and she had always done "something" wrong to set him off. Bruises had been laid over more bruises and Zara was sure one of her ribs had been broken somewhere along the way. It had been getting worse as Sean's work had been getting harder. He had been threatened with getting laid off and tonight it had finally happened. He was so angry he seemed to have tried to drink the entirety of his last paycheck.

Zara took refuge in their room and turned on her favorite show, Supernatural, to calm down while she tried to patch up some of the scratches on her arms and torso. Sean never wanted to see the "fruits of his labor". It would only start another argument that would end badly for her.

Sam and Dean's voices filtered in the background as she looked herself over in the mirror. Two haunted looking gold eyes stared back at her, the right eye now rimmed with purple bruises. Her eyes were her favorite feature and it saddened her that they would be marred for a while. What would be the excuse this time? "Bee stung me while I was smelling daffodils? Poked my eye with a spyglass 'cause I was pretending to be a pirate?" It didn't matter what it was. Whatever bogus excuse she gave would be enough. No one ever dared to ask if her husband beat her. No one wanted to open that can of worms. At least her darker complexion hid some of the bruises if not all of them.

She pinned up her long black hair and decided she'd finally watch the finale she had been saving for a rainy day. It was definitely, as least figuratively, pouring. She snuggled under the covers of the king bed and decided to spread out. Sean was in no condition to move by himself right now and she certainly wasn't helping him. "Carry on My Wayward Son" blasted through her laptop's speakers and Zara suddenly forgot all her troubles in the happiness all Supernatural fans feel hearing that song after 9 seasons. She belted out the lyrics with all her heart not caring who heard her.

_"Carry on my wayward son.  
There'll be peace when you are done.  
Lay your weary head to rest.  
Don't you cry no more."_

As the episode went on, Zara could feel herself relax and her injuries throbbed a little less, that is, until the last ten minutes of the finale. The unthinkable happened and then it just... ended.

Zara just sat dumbfounded with her mouth wide open and her eyes blinking rapidly. Suddenly she snapped out of it and jumped up. "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!" It seemed to be the only comprehensible thing she could get out of her mouth. She started pacing around the room. "THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING! No no NO!" This was just not her day. First Sean and then THIS had to happen. And she had to wait until October for the next season!

Zara needed to breathe, yell, do SOMETHING so she decided to go on a walk. It was a late summer night so she just decided to go out in her shorts and a t-shirt. Someone might see her bruises but it was around 3am so no one should be out.

She walked out of her apartment and started down the street toward the city park. Where she lived wasn't that crime ridden so she wasn't afraid to let her mind wander as she walked in the nice summer air.

She thought back to the day she married Sean three years ago. She was 23- just out of college and too naive to notice she was marrying a jerk. She was so happy then. That was before she became Sean's personal punching bag. The first time she just thought it was a mistake. He apologized so sincerely she believed him. Then it was every other week, then every couple days, then every night. Gone were the days of apologies. It was always her fault. Now she tiptoed around him constantly, praying he wouldn't notice her in her own home.

She knew what he was doing was wrong but she couldn't seem to get out of the bad situation. She always hoped that one day she would wake up and the kind man she married would be smiling next to her. Maybe he would change. Maybe it was all a bad dream. Sadly she knew it wasn't likely, but she could hope couldn't she?

As she made it to the park she went to her favorite spot near the cemetery. There was an old oak with a bench underneath that overlooked all of the gravestones. She sat on the cold stone bench and looked over the headstones at the stars. It had an eerie quality that Zara quite liked for some reason. Her brother, Brennon, was buried in one of the plots nearby and she always felt he was watching over her when she sat there. Before he left for Afghanistan, they did everything together. He was her idol. As children, he would convince her to go out late and catch lightning bugs. He would call her his little lightning bug because he said her eyes simply glowed when they caught them. He was always good at getting her to do things. He was the one who got her into watching Supernatural back when she was 17 with season 1. She kept watching after he left and, when she could talk to him, their conversations always included some comment on a new plot development. She was just devastated when she got the call that he would not be coming home.

"You wouldn't like how this season ended up Brennon. I can't even talk about it..." He would have gone off on a rant about how the writers loved angry fan mail. She sighed, her heart weighing heavily. He always knew what to say. She wished he had met Sean before he had died. Maybe he would have recognized the situation she was walking into or at least gotten her out of this. He would have known what to do. "I wish you were here."

The wind picked up and Zara imagined a whisper floating by "Oh lightning bug, you know what to do." She knew it wasn't real but she liked to imagine it was him, if only for a moment. And it was only a moment before her quiet moment was shattered by the sound of a twig breaking behind her. She could smell the alcohol coming off of him in waves and she let out a small shaky breath before turning and looking at her husband.

"I knew you'd be here." he slurred. Zara honestly had no idea how he managed to be upright let alone walk the five blocks to the park. "Talking to your dead brother. You're always talking to him. When are you going to get it through your thick head that he's dead. He's not coming back!" He leered and came closer to her. "Or are you trying to run away from me? Are you running from me RaRa? You don't love me anymore?" He roared. Something Zara had never seen glinted in his eyes. Was that black? No. She was imagining it.

She tried to make a placating gesture and back away from him but he grabbed her and slapped her. Hard. She started tearing up. "No no. I just needed some fresh air. It was nothing." He was having none of it. He was just getting angrier and angrier. Zara knew she couldn't do anything when he was this mad.

"No. You're running away. I lose my job and you don't love me any more. You only wanted my money you filthy gold digger!" Suddenly he had a gun in his hands, she didn't know where he got it but now it was pointed at her.

All the blood drained from her face. He wouldn't. He couldn't. "No please..." She heard the gun go off and she let out a bloodcurdling scream but, suddenly, there was nothing. No pain. No Sean. No gunshot wound. She was still in the cemetery on the ground next to the bench, tears streaming down her face. It was bitter cold and there was snow on the ground. What in the world? Wasn't it summer just a second ago?

She could hear voices in the cemetery. "Who screamed?" "I don't know. I thought we were done here… I think it came from over there" Zara scrambled behind the bench before they could see her, but when she saw who they were she stood straight up. What is going on?

"Jared? Jensen?" She half whispered. They came closer.

"What did you say?" Jared asked. "Are you okay?"

It might have been the fact that she has just almost been shot or that the actors from her favorite show were standing in front of her or that it was way too early in the morning but Zara felt her vision flicker and her knees give out. She heard someone curse and then broad arms caught her. She felt herself being carried out of the park and she caught a glimpse of the dawn sun. She almost could hear "It was the best I could do lightning bug." as she completely blacked out.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N So... I've been writing a lot... like every night. School is starting soon so I wanted to make sure I had a bit of wiggle room just in case. I just couldn't wait any longer to upload more though so here it is! Also, trigger alert: mentions of abuse, violence, death ect. Basically, the usual Supernatural stuff. This goes for anything in the future as well so I'm not going to say it again unless there's something major like suicide or something. I really hope you enjoy it! Please follow/favorite/review to let me know how you like it! Alright enough of this nonsense. To the story...

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_It might have been the fact that she has just almost been shot or that the actors from her favorite show were standing in front of her or that it was way too early in the morning but Zara felt her vision flicker and her knees give out. She heard someone curse and then broad arms caught her. She felt herself being carried out of the park and she caught a glimpse of the dawn sun. She almost could hear "It was the best I could do lightning bug." as she completely blacked out._

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**Chapter 2**

It had been a regular salt and burn. No muss. No fuss. The ghost didn't put up much of a fight. It had honestly been one of the easiest jobs they had had in years. Dean kept expecting a trap or some sort of glitch but everything went as smoothly as it could have. They had just burned the bones and were just about to leave in the Impala when they heard the scream across the cemetery.

"Who screamed?" Dean asked.

"I don't know. I thought we were done here." Sam said as he looked for the source. He pointed at a large oak on the other side of the cemetery. "I think it came from over there." The brothers sprinted toward the sound ready for a fight. Maybe this was the trick they had been expecting all this time.

What they found was definitely not what they anticipated- a bruised and battered woman cowering behind a bench. Dean couldn't help but notice that under all the bruises, though, she was a very beautiful woman- dark skin, long black braided hair, and the most mesmerizing golden eyes he had ever seen. He then noticed she was wearing shorts and a t-shirt for goodness sakes! Didn't she know it was winter? She was shivering uncontrollably and hyperventilating. But all of that was not as surprising as what she said, "Jared? Jensen?" She seemed to recognize them.

"What did you say?" Who were Jared and Jensen? "Are you okay?" She promptly fainted and Sam rushed to catch her. "What should we do with her Dean?" Sam asked hefting her up into his arms.

"Well we can't leave her out here. She'll freeze to death. We should take her to the motel and see if we can patch her up a bit. Did you hear her call you Jared?"

"Yeah I think she did." They headed towards the Impala.

"Wait wasn't that your name in that freaky ass alternate reality?"

"Where I was married to fake Ruby? I think so. What was my last name? Padalerkey? Pedojerky? I don't know."

"Wherever she's from, she's been through hell." Dean opened the door of the Impala so Sam could place her in the back before getting in himself. He cranked the heat up as far as it would go. It was really nippy out there.

"Did you hear that?" Sam asked once he got in.

"No. Hear what?" They started toward the motel.

"I could've sworn I heard someone say something about lightning bugs."

Dean gave Sam an odd look. "Are you okay? You didn't hit your head or something?"

Sam sighed. "Never mind."

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Zara woke up in a daze on a strange bed. What happened last night? She couldn't remember anything. Now she was in what looked like a motel room. Obviously it was a dive motel of sorts- peeling paint, the smell of smokes, and beer stains on the cheap carpet. Clothes were strewn on the floor- men's clothes?! She started to hyperventilate. Ever since Sean started beating her, she had been wary of all men. Sean never wore flannel shirts like she saw on the floor so where was she? Was she kidnapped? She couldn't for the life of her remember what happened the night before and now she was in some strange man's motel room?

The door started to open and she jumped off the bed and cowered in the corner of the room between the bed and the wall making herself as small as she could in a futile attempt to go unnoticed. The man entered the room and she half recognized him. He was a giant of a man with longish brown hair and kind eyes. Zara didn't trust kind eyes anymore. Sean had kind eyes once. He stepped towards her when he saw she was up but stopped when she let out a whimper. "Please… don't touch me… Please."

He gave her a curious look before sitting on the bed farther from her. "Hey. Uh-"

A wave of recognition washed over her. How could she forget who he was? He was Jared freaking Padalecki. The moose! She stood up from the corner and sat on the bed across from him. "You're Jared Padalecki yeah?"

"Uhm-" he started again but the door opened again revealing the other half of the dynamic duo.

"She's awake? Good." Jensen gave a small smile as he set what looked like McDonald's breakfast on the coffee table and sat on the couch, digging into his McBiscuit, or whatever it was.

Zara sniffed appreciatively as the smell wafted towards her and then looked at Jared curiously. Why in the world was she in a dive motel with two of her favorite actors of all time? "Why are you in Indiana? Aren't you supposed to be in Vancouver filming the next season?"

The men shared a glance. Jensen spoke, "Uhm- Vancouver? Why would we be in Vancouver?"

As if. They must be joking. Seriously the next season comes out in like two months and they really weren't even getting ready for it? Maybe they just look like J2? Really, REALLY like J2? Some coincidence. Zara backed up a bit. "You're not Jensen and Jared? Co-stars of Supernatural?"

There was a long pause during which it seemed the two were having a conversation with just their eyes- just like they did in their show. They must be really close off screen too. Jared spoke up slowly. "No… we're Sam and Dean Winchester."

Zara's eyes narrowed. She was so not in the mood for this, "If you're playing a trick on me. Am I on candid camera?…"

Dean piped up, "We've never even been to Vancouver."

What if? No. That couldn't happen. Could it? Stranger things have happened. Zara put her head into her hands unwilling to accept this simple… not so simple truth. No. They weren't her favorite actors. They were actually Sam and Dean Winchester. She was officially in another world… or completely and utterly insane. "Crap. I am SO screwed."

"So you know who we are?" Sam asked inquisitively.

Zara puffed up her cheeks and let the breath out in a whoosh. "If this isn't a crazy hallucination or something, yes… I guess… It's a little complicated."

"Complicated how?" Dean asked with his mouth full. He finally put down the rest of his breakfast- the Mc-something-or-other.

"You remember the French Mistake?" All she got was blank stares. "Right. Um… When Balthazar sent you to a different reality where Dean and Sam were TV characters?"

Recognition crossed Sam's face. "Yeah that was a couple months back. You're saying you're from there?"

"Exactly. Well… mostly Misha, er, Cas isn't dead there but- wait you said a couple months ago?" Zara's eyes widened as the information sunk in. "That was what? Three seasons ago? Who are you fighting right now? And Cas is going to…" She would have rambled on but her voice literally failed her. Her throat closed up and she couldn't say anything. She coughed and her throat was fine again. "Cas is…" It happened again.

"Are you okay?" Sam asked worriedly.

"Yeah." Cough. "Yeah I'm fine… apparently someone doesn't want me to tell any spoilers. That stinks." She huffed.

Dean stood up and started pacing. "Never mind that." She rolled her eyes. It might not be a problem for him but it was for her."So you're from another dimension where this is a TV show. No problem. We've done that before, but did you say you're ahead of us too? By how much? And how are you so okay with this?"

Zara looked at Dean sadly. "Three years give or take. I'm so sorry Dean…" her throat closed up again. Cough. She was getting tired of this "no spoiler" business fast. She had just watched the finale for goodness sakes! "Really? Well I can't tell you… You two have a rough road ahead of you." She looked at the floor sadly thinking about all of the trouble the boys have been through in just the past year not to mention the previous ones or the next few. How could they live with so much?

Both of them looked at each other sadly. "Rough is what we do I guess." Sam said gently.

Dean leaned against the door and looked up. "We're talking about all this and we don't even know your name and why are you all beat up? Why were you in that cemetery screaming? How did you get here?"

"My name is Zara and oh-" She clutched her head as she remembered the events of the other night. She hadn't had time to process everything before but now it was all coming back to her- the beating, Sean, the gunshot. It was so awful. Had it really happened? Did he really shoot me? She started hyperventilating and crying again.

"Zara? Zara? Are you okay?" Sam touched her shoulder but she jerked back.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" He put his hand down quickly and she tried to slow her breathing. She had had a hard time disassociating touch with pain for so long. "Please… just… don't touch me."

"It's fine. We won't touch you." Sam said soothingly.

She let out a shaky breath, tears streaming down her face. "My husband beats me... Every night." She had never told anyone that before and she just told two men she had just barely met. There had to be something wrong with that. Maybe it was because she was in another dimension, or just away from her tormentor, or the fact that she was probably technically dead, but she didn't really care. It felt good to have told someone.

Sam clenched his jaw and Dean made his hands into fists and started lightly pounding the door behind him. It comforted her that they were so obviously not okay with that statement. "You're so young. You can't have been married for what? A few years?" She nodded. " What… Why?"

The broken look on her face said it all. "I don't know. Maybe it was his job. Maybe I wasn't good enough for him. Maybe I did something wrong. I don't know…" She trailed off.

"NO. That doesn't give him the right to beat you." Sam interjected. He tried to change the subject since this line of thinking was obviously not helping. "Why were you screaming in the cemetery?" probably not his best choice in new subjects.

Zara laid back on the bed and covered her face. "Sean lost his job last night. He drank more than he ever has and beat me pretty badly." Both of them looked like they wanted to punch something. "He fell asleep on the couch so I decided to watch the season finale of your show to… to forget." She looked uncomfortably at both of them. "Needless to say, the ending was…. upsetting and with both of those combined, I needed a walk to calm down. So I went to the cemetery but Sean must have followed me. He came up behind me and accused me of running away from him because he lost his job. He uh… he shot me." She recited her tale and closed her eyes tight, crossing her arms over her face. She was trying to block out the emotions connected with that particular event but she knew it wasn't something she would ever forget. It played over and over in her mind.

"What?" Sam stood up looking like he wanted to fight something.

"Then I found myself here." Zara suddenly stood up. She didn't want to talk about it anymore. "I'm going to take a shower. Could you show me where the First Aid kit is? I should clean up some of these scratches. I trust you've already tested me… the whole shebang."

The boys looked stunned at the sudden change in topic but Sam graciously grabbed the kit. "Uh… yeah. You're good- not a demon, shifter, or any other monster that we know of. Do you want me to help you stitch-"

"-NO. I can do it myself." She said firmly taking the kit and heading to the bathroom.

Dean looked over at Sam. "Well this could get quite interesting."

"That's an understatement to say the least." Sam sighed. "Do you believe her?"

Dean shrugged. "It's just as weird as everything else in our life. Why not add another thing? Besides, she says she knows what's gonna happen in the next few years. I'd say that's a powerful asset as long as we can get past the whole *cough cough* spoilers thing that she seems to have."

Sam nodded, accepting what his older brother said without question. "She's gonna need some winter clothes if she's staying here."

Dean nodded and headed for the door. "I'll see what I can do."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N Hey guys! Here's chapter 3. I promise it will pick up a bit. I need to get some groundwork set up first. We will be starting in to Season 6 Episode 20 "The Man Who Would Be King" next chapter I think. I will try to follow the story line as much as possible but I will be skipping episodes as I see fit (like most of ep 21 with Ben and Lisa. It just didn't fit in so that happened earlier.) If you specifically want me to write a certain ep or even a oneshot hunt sort of deal, let me know and I will try to put it in. No promises on how soon though. I gotta get through the finale first. Anywho... please review. It makes me really happy. :) Special thanks to: Morgan Elizebeth Jacobs, chinaluv, Myrina1896, TB, katie131925, LiveByTheBooks, and Thegirlwhowaited24601 for reviewing already. Sorry these notes are really long... now to the story...

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_Sam sighed. "Do you believe her?"_

_Dean shrugged. "It's just as weird as everything else in our life. Why not add another thing? Besides, she says she knows what's gonna happen in the next few years. I'd say that's a powerful asset as long as we can get past the whole *cough cough* spoilers thing that she seems to have."_

_Sam nodded, accepting what his older brother said without question. "She's gonna need some winter clothes if she's staying here."_

_Dean nodded and headed for the door. "I'll see what I can do."_

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**Chapter 3**

Zara hopped into the shower after she heard Dean was getting her clothes. How nice of him. She didn't mean to eavesdrop but she had an acute sense of hearing and Dean wasn't very good at talking quietly enough not to hear through the thin motel walls. The shower was probably one of the best things Zara had felt in a long time. The gentle stream soothed her aching muscles and throbbing bruises. She could never quite relax at her old apartment but here she could take as long as she wanted and not get yelled at for upping the water bill.

It amazed her how easily she was taking this whole "other dimension" thing. She had never really thought things could happen that way but she never completely discounted it either. In recent months, she dreamed of something like this happening to her- something that would just whisk her away from the harsh reality of abuse and rejection. Maybe she was accepting this all too easily. Maybe she really was dead and this was her heaven or something. She pushed those thoughts away. This could be nothing but reality. The bruises were real. She was real. Sam and Dean were real. Maybe?

She stopped the shower before she could think of anything more depressing or confusing. Why must she think of the most complicated things in the shower of all places? After toweling off, she set to work patching up some of her scratches including a new one she found on her arm- presumably where Dean made sure she wasn't a monster. It didn't look like she needed any stitches but she looked like a human mummy with the various bandages all over her body. She put her t-shirt and shorts back on but they were just much too cold for the winter chill that she could feel even inside due to crappy motel insulation. Dean would probably not be back for a while and she just couldn't get warm. Maybe she could borrow some socks from Sam or something.

Zara walked out to see Sam sitting on the far bed on his laptop. "Of course you would be researching. Do you ever stop?" Sam gave her an odd look. "Sorry. That was probably creepy. You barely know me and yet I feel like I've known you forever."

Sam shook his head. "Nah- I mean yeah, it's weird, but it's not the weirdest thing that has happened to us. I've learned to take it all in stride. You aren't nearly as creepy as Becky was."

Zara's eyes widened as she remembered the infamous Becky Rosen- more than an extreme fan. She tried to smother giggle when she remembered the episode when she hexed Sam into getting married to her. The look of disgust when he had said her name made her giggle even more and she couldn't contain it. She laughed outright and when she saw he didn't have any idea why, she laughed so hard her sides started hurting. She sat down on the bed and sighed. She hadn't laughed that hard in a long time.

Sam was still looking at her like she was a demon with two heads. "What in the world is so funny about crazy insane Becky? What do I not know?"

Zara contained herself long enough to say, "You and-" *cough cough cough* "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? That wasn't even an important spoiler!"

"What?"

"Every time I try to say something that's going to happen, my throat closes up and I can't say anything." Zara pounded the bed in frustration and Sam furrowed his brow- thinking.

"Maybe we could experiment?"

Zara smiled. "Yeah sure… you wouldn't mind if I borrowed some socks though? It's freezing!"

Sam smiled and went to get her a pair of his socks. He took another glance at her summer clothes and grabbed a hoodie and sweatpants for her too. She smiled at him gratefully and put the clothes on over hers. She then grabbed the blanket off "her" bed and sat down on the motel couch. Sam sat in the chair next to it and began to think out loud. "So your throat closes up every time you try to tell us something that happens in the future. Right?" She nodded. "I wonder if it's everything in the future or just major events or if you could say things in the near future." She shrugged so he went on. "We'll have to see how direct or vague you have to be in telling it too. Hmmm… what's something major that's going to happen in the next year or so?"

Zara covered her face with her hands for a second- thinking. "I'm not that good with chronology. That was three years ago for me. Uhm… why don't you give me a bit of background real quick? Who are the major players you've been fighting against recently? What has happened in the last few months? What are the states of yours and Dean's souls?"

"Our souls?" Sam asked indignantly.

Zara rolled her eyes. "Yeah your souls. It's a valid question. You were soulless at one point… judging the fact that I could say that without coughing, that already happened. And judging by your face… that was recently?" She bit her lip. She probably shouldn't have brought that up. It seemed like it was still a touchy subject for him.

"Got it back a few months before the… French Mistake." Sam shifted and looked away towards the window. "After we ended the Apocalypse and I fell into the pit with Lucifer, Dean went off to live with Lisa and Ben… Ringing any bells?"

"Yeah, yeah. That was… season 5 finale and the first episode of season 6." Zara grinned for remembering.

Sam quirked his eyebrow. "I will never get used to our lives being a TV show."

"Sorry." Zara looked down embarrassed. It was one thing to watch a TV show. It was another thing to live it. And to think that she enjoyed seeing all the pain these two poor brothers went through. It was like she was in a real life Hunger Games- they were the tributes and she was the Panem citizen.

"It's okay I guess. Anyways, I got brought back soulless, which I don't really want to talk about, I worked with some hunters tracking down alphas for Crowley and Dean ended up joining us a bit later. You still tracking with me?" Zara nodded. "Dean tried to get Crowley to give me my soul back but he couldn't so Cas tried to kill him. He failed obviously. We just killed Eve a few days ago. "

*COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH* Zara remembered now where she was in the timeline. The boys were about to find out the Cas was working with Crowley. Cas was about to have a God complex and Sam...

He quirked his eyebrow again. "You're saying she's not dead?"

"No. She's definitely dead. It's…" Zara trailed off feeling another coughing fit coming on. Then she had an idea. "Do you know the sign language alphabet?"

Sam grinned. "Actually, yeah I do. Could you try telling me that way?"

She signed, "Cas is with Crowley."

"Zara?"

"Was I too fast?"

"You didn't do anything, Zara. You froze." Sam said. "You didn't move a muscle.

"But I did!" She shot back. "I signed the whole thing!"

"Well apparently I'm not allowed to see it." Sam sighed. "Why don't you tell me something vague?"

"Ummm… Cas is in over his head. He's going down a wrong path… really wrong. He's going to-*cough* Figures. That would definitely be a spoiler." Zara huffed. Maybe he could figure something out with just that.

"So he IS working with Crowley! Dean keeps on denying it! I knew it!"

"Yeah. He's in way too far and he's gonna have a hard time getting out of it."

"What is he going to do?" Zara shook her head. There was no way she would be able to say that. "Maybe you could try writing?" Sam was letting his inner scientist out. Sadly, the writing worked just as well as the motions. Whatever she wrote could only be seen by her. They even went and asked the lady at the motel desk to try and read it to them. She only handed the paper back and said there was nothing there.

"All I can probably say is that you especially need to stay away from him." Zara warned- thinking about how he was going to knock down Sam's wall and he was on the verge of going insane.

"Cas is going to do something to me?" Sam asked incredulously.

"You know how he is. He's all- bad actions with good intentions."

"At least you could tell us that much without coughing. That is valuable if not vague information."

Zara nodded tiredly. She had had a trying day. "And we don't know why I have this problem or who is causing it. It has to be someone. Who would care if I told the future? Fortune tellers do all the time."

Sam sighed. "God? Satan? Angels? Demons?"

"Leviathans?" Zara joked.

"Leviathans? What are Leviathans?" Sam asked.

"They are the nastiest things in Purgatory and you'll be dealing with them in a couple months." Zara half smiled that she could say that.

"Well at least well have you to tell us hints on the way." Sam smiled and Zara noticed his kind eyes again- kind eyes that she actually believed in instead of Sean's false ones. These boys may have not known her very well but she knew them and she knew that, once she had their trust, they would never hurt her.

* * *

Dean came in a little while later with their purchases to see Zara dozing on the couch and Sam on his laptop. "Anything interesting happen while I was gone?"

Sam looked up. "Actually, yeah. We experimented with whatever spoiler problem she's been having and, while it's not ideal, we can find things out in a roundabout way."

"Did you find out anything important?" Dean asked as he put the bags down on the bed and grabbed a beer.

"Cas IS working with Crowley."

Dean bristled at another jab at his angelic friend. He couldn't believe that the angel could be working with the King of Hell. "Cas is just busy cleaning up Heaven. We don't know for sure and I'd rather take the word of the angel that got me out of hell before some random stranger. How can we know she's telling the truth? I mean, maybe she was planted by Crowley to cause division. Humans have been known to work with demons before. She could be playing us."

"Ask me something. Something you don't think I would know." Zara challenged. It was a gamble- she didn't know everything- but she had watched 9 seasons.

Dean jumped. He hadn't noticed Zara wake up as he said that. He felt kinda bad for doubting her if front of her, but not that bad. "Lemme think."

While Dean was thinking, Sam asked. "When does the show start off?"

Zara smiled. She knew that episode well. "When Dean picks you up from Stanford. He breaks into your apartment in the middle of the night and wakes you and Jessica up. He tells you that your father has been on a hunting trip and hasn't been home in a few days. Well, after commenting on the skimpy smurf pajamas Jessica was wearing. You leave but tell Dean you have to be back in a few days for your Law School interview. You listen to a voicemail from your dad that has a message from a weeping woman on it saying 'I can never go home'. Your dad is not there but you kill the ghost and when you get home, Jessica is… on the ceiling. I don't really want to describe it. Was that enough detail for you?" Sam looked baffled but Dean still didn't look convinced.

"A demon could have gotten all that information and fed it to you. Can you give us more proof?" He said skeptically.

Zara rolled her eyes but wasn't that surprised. She knew she would have to jump through a few hoops to get him to believe him. She finally thought of a little tidbit that would work perfectly and she smiled devilishly. This was going to be fun. "Fine Dean. I'll use your own proof against you. When Zachariah sent you into the future with all the Croatoan zombies, you met your double." Dean's face deadpanned. He knew exactly where she was going and he couldn't stop it. She would have no way of knowing that unless she had watched the show. She grinned even more. "When he asked you to prove you were real, you said you once wore a pair of your girlfriend's underwear." She waggled her eyebrows and both brothers' eyes widened. This was way too much fun. "They were, how did you say it, pink… and satiny… and you kinda liked it."

Sam laughed out loud while Dean yelled, "That was a secret that should have stayed secret!"

Zara smiled sweetly. She had them. "I'm sorry Dean. You forced me into it!"

Sam crowed. "You did what, Dean?! You LIKED wearing GIRLS. PINK. SATINY. UNDERWEAR." He emphasized every word. "Thank you so much Zara! I now have blackmail." Dean lunged at Sam but he darted away laughing even more.

She smirked. "There's more where that came from, on both of you."

Sam's face fell. "What do you have on me?"

"All in due time, Moose." She winked.

After she had sufficiently convinced the Winchesters she was, in fact, telling the truth about her origin (Dean still didn't believe her about Cas), she changed into the clothes Dean had bought for her. She was pleasantly surprised to find that Dean had a moderately good taste in clothes other than the giant winter coat he had gotten her. It was two sizes too big and was an awful shade of yellow with fur trim around the hood- DEFINITELY not her style. Everything else was sensible sweaters, shirts, jackets, pants, and boots. Dean had apparently gone all out. She took her time trying on the rest of the clothes- enjoying the feeling of thinking for herself instead of wondering if Sean would like her a little more wearing it. She decided on a cute purple sweater, skinny jeans, and the boots. As an after thought, she put the giant coat on as well and headed out of the bathroom.

Dean and Sam were watching something on the TV when she opened the door and strolled out, smothered in the massive coat. Sam choked on his beer as soon as he saw her sporting the ridiculous garment. Zara put on an extra sweet smile and a cheerleader voice. "I really like everything you got Dean, especially this coat. It's my favorite. The fur trim is just soooooo in this year."

Dean smirked. "I just knew you would like it, princess. It goes with your eyes. Now whenever you wear it out, you can think of me."

"You _cannot_ expect Zara to go out like that can you?" Sam asked incredulously.

Dean acted hurt. "Why wouldn't she want to go out in that?"

Zara laughed- back to her normal voice. "Seriously, Dean, thank you so much for the clothes. You didn't have to do that and I really appreciate it but I CAN'T go out in this hideous thing." She took it off and flung it on the bed.

Dean sighed apologetically. "It was all they had at the store. It's either that or freeze until we get back to Bobby's." Zara groaned.

"Hold on a sec." Sam said. "I think I have an extra jacket of mine that you could wear. It might be big but it's much less conspicuous." He headed out to the Impala.

"Looks like I'll be swimming in fabric either way. Gigantor's coat isn't going to be much better. I'm too small." Zara sighed and Dean chuckled in response. Sam came back in and she tried it on. It was way too big (going down to mid thigh and sleeves past her fingertips) but she enjoyed the woodsy smell it had to it. "So now what?" She asked as she folded the coat with her other clothes into the bag Dean had given her.

"Now we confront Cas." Sam stated resolutely.

"I'm not sure that's such a great idea…" Zara reasoned thinking of all the instances the boys have risked their lives with dire consequences, this one especially. Cas was dangerous when he was keeping secrets and she knew the lengths he would go to keep them, even if he knew it would hurt his favorite brothers. Neither brother even acknowledged her.

"But he's innocent!" Dean protested.

"Dean, admit it. Even without Zara's confirmation the Cas is on the wrong path, we have plenty of evidence proving it."

"Why don't we talk to Bobby about it? I got a call while I was out and he said he had a demon that might have a lead on Crowley. We can ask the demon about Cas too. Does that sound alright?" Dean was not about to give this up.

"Fine. Bobby isn't that far away. We can leave now."

They all packed up and were out of the little town Zara had called home within an hour. Zara couldn't find it in herself to feel sad about leaving. That town had been the home to her tormentor. It held nothing for her now and she was on a much different path now. The only regret she had was leaving her brother in the in the little park cemetery next to the big oak.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N Hey guys! I thought it was pretty ridiculous that I had 70 pages written but only 23 posted. School starts Monday and I have no idea how hard these classes will be plus I'm moving out of state, but I feel like I've got enough saved up in case I can't write for a few weeks. Hope y'all enjoy this chapter! Things pick up next chapter. Promise. Please review! It makes me happy :) Thank you to those who have already done so: DeadlyThorn1997, Morgan Elizabeth Jacobs, Myrina1896, chinaluv, Bennett, Allea (Your's made me laugh. I had forgotten that was in there.) Without further ado, the story...

* * *

_"But he's innocent!" Dean protested._

_"Dean, admit it. Even without Zara's confirmation the Cas is on the wrong path, we have plenty of evidence proving it."_

_"Why don't we talk to Bobby about it? I got a call while I was out and he said he had a demon that might have a lead on Crowley. We can ask the demon about Cas too. Does that sound alright?" Dean was not about to give this up._

_"Fine. Bobby isn't that far away. We can leave now."_

_They all packed up and were out of the little town Zara had called home within an hour. Zara couldn't find it in herself to feel sad about leaving. That town had been the home to her tormentor. It held nothing for her now and she was on a much different path now. The only regret she had was leaving her brother in the in the little park cemetery next to the big oak._

* * *

**Chapter 4**

They got to Bobby's in a matter of hours and Zara smiled when she saw the sign for Singer Salvage Yard. She couldn't believe she could actually see the place in person. It was like Sam and Dean's home since they only ever stayed in motels other than here. Everything was exactly the same down to the junk cars and the lazy dog. The house itself was a bit rundown but she could tell it was well loved and well used. They all hopped out of the Impala and dashed to the house to get out of the freezing cold. They walked right in and found Bobby drinking a beer in the kitchen. The rest of the house was just like the outside. Messy and haphazard in places but there was a definite organization that may have been unrecognizable to a stranger but complete order to the resident.

"It's good to see you boys. The demon is-" He noticed Zara as she stepped from behind Sam's large frame and said gruffly, "Who's this?"

"Bobby, this is Zara. We just met her." Sam introduced. Zara cringed. That was probably not the best way to get Bobby to trust her.

"You're picking up strays at a time like this? What does she know? Is she a hunter? Can we trust her? We don't have time for this!" Bobby ranted.

Zara knew she'd have to fix this soon before Bobby tossed her into the street. "Bobby, I agree we don't have the time for this right now." Bobby nodded, glad to hear someone was being rational. "You're on the edge of something big and I will try not to get in the way. The whole story on how I got here is too long. Suffice it to say, the boys have already tested me and obviously trust me enough to take me here."

Bobby nodded- satisfied after the boys confirmed her statement. He offered all of them a beer and then motioned them into the living room where the demon was being kept. There was a large, intricate drawing that Zara recognized to be a devils trap painted on the ceiling. Underneath, in the middle of the room was a man chained to a chair. He has scruffy red hair and a leering, self confident look about him that many demons seemed to have. His eyes flashed black for a second when he saw them walk into the room.

"Ah, I see you brought Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber with you now. And who is this?" He nodded at Zara. "She doesn't belong in this world. I can tell." Zara rolled here eyes. She couldn't believe demons actually talked like this.

"Where's Crowley?" Dean growled.

"Newsflash buckos, the King is dead." The demon stated boredly.

Bobby stood in front of him. "We know Crowley is alive. Now, you're gonna tell us where he is and we're gonna have a nice little chat with your boss."

"Bite me." the demon spat with as much malice as he could muster.

"Fine." Bobby punched him square in the jaw. He clearly had some pent up anger. "We can do this the hard way."

The sound of flesh hitting flesh threw Zara back into memories she didn't want to think about. Visions of herself cowering in a corner as Sean loomed over her played over and over in her mind. Smack. Smack. Smack. She could hear it in her memories and in real time. "Where is he?" Bobby asked just as Sean had when he thought she was cheating on him. Smack. "Where is he?" Zara's head ached and her old bruises throbbed just as if she had just been beaten herself. "_Where is he?_" She couldn't take it. She had to get out of there.

Zara found that she had backed all the way back into the kitchen in an unconscious effort to get away from the horrible sound. Sam looked back at her and recognized the fear in her eyes. He nudged Dean and gave his brother a look that seemed to carry a whole conversation in a moment. Dean glanced over at her and his eyes widened- recognizing what she was going through. He walked over to her.

"You okay Zara?" he asked concerned.

"Y-yeah…" Smack. She cringed involuntarily. "Yeah. I'm fine. I just… can I go upstairs? I'm kinda tired." She knew it wasn't convincing at all and he didn't believe a word she said but was grateful he just nodded.

"Sure. I'll take you to the guest room." Dean smiled easily and led her upstairs. It boggled her mind that he could be so calm and collected when there was a man being tortured in the other room. She guessed that after all that time that Dean spent in Hell, those sorts of things didn't faze him anymore. He was calloused to it- the exact opposite to how she felt. "Do you need anything else?" Dean asked, breaking her out of her reverie. "I was going to go out and grab us some food."

"Uh, no thanks Dean. I'll be fine." She sat down on the bed with a sigh. She closed her eyes- trying to block out the memories. It didn't help. When she opened her eyes, Dean was still at the door giving her a questioning glance.

"Can I ask you something?" Dean hesitated. It seemed like he didn't mean to actually say that out loud. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to." He quickly amended.

"Sure." Zara took a deep breath. She had a good feeling what he was going to say.

"You say you watched our lives to forget your abuse, yet there's so much violence. How could something like that really help you?"

"It's different when it's on TV; you know it's not real. But, the show, it's more than violence. It isn't just about two boys fighting monsters. It's about the journey, your relationship, how much you go through and still can be so close. Granted there are times when you absolutely hate each other but in the end you will always stay loyal to your family and that's what's so alluring about the show. You would die for each other without a second thought. People wish they had relationships that meant that much in their own lives. They crave it. For the little time that they watch the show, they can feel like they could have a relationship like that. It's the kind of relationship that I once had with my brother." She whispered the last part.

Dean looked a bit taken aback. He didn't quite know what to say. He didn't know that the life he lived every day could make such a difference in someone else's life. "You had a brother?" Out of all that, it was the only thing he could think of to comment on.

"Yeah." Zara pulled her knees up and rested her chin on them. "I don't want to talk about it."

Dean knew when he pushed a nerve. "Fine. Uh, thanks for telling me that. I didn't know…" he trailed off.

Zara saved him. "That the boob tube could have such meaning?" she asked sarcastically. "That's because all you ever watch is Dr. Sexy."

"It's a good show!" Dean said defensively. "And I watch other things… sometimes. Maybe the show just doesn't show everything."

Zara laughed. "Oh I'm sure there's plenty I haven't seen. I probably should be glad I didn't." She waggled her eyebrows.

Dean's face reddened. "Probably. Gosh, it's weird just thinking what you might have seen. It was just the last five years right? You didn't see my weird middle school stage?"

Zara grinned. "With flashbacks." Dean groaned. "I promise it wasn't nearly as bad as you think."

"Well, before I find out that you witnessed my first kiss-"

"-Sorry but… yeah." She laughed

"No no no. Just don't tell me!" Dean groaned backing out of the door. "You sure you don't want anything from Biggerson's?"

"I'm fine, Dean. Thanks for everything." Zara smiled. He left and she lay back on her bed still grinning. Sadly, Zara's good mood could only last so long with an interrogation going on downstairs. Moving around helped block out the sounds she could still hear filtering up the stairs so she explored the room. It had a little bed in the middle with an end table and a lamp. The rest of the room was filled with bookshelves containing books that looked centuries old and mostly unused according to the dust collecting around them. There were also haphazard piles of even more books on the floor in random places. Zara just knew that a rare book collector would think they had died and gone to heaven but she didn't really care. She knew each book contained the information needed to kill one monster or another and she didn't really want to read anything like that right now. Were there any novels here? It didn't look like it and Zara didn't really want to go exploring. Who knows what could be in the rest of the house.

Zara looked at the stack of books near her. They appeared to be the newest ones in the room, though they were still old. On the top there was what looked to be a journal. She looked inside and was happily surprised to see that it was empty. She had always enjoyed journaling when she was younger but, when she got older, she just couldn't find the time. She scrounged around for a pen for a few minutes before finding one under them bed. She happily sat back down on the bed with her back to the wall and her legs crossed in front of her.

Now, what to write? Zara couldn't really see the point in writing what was happening at the moment. She knew and that was enough for her. She wanted to write something more useful- like a hunter's journal. Finally, she had an idea. She was already having a hard time remembering what happened in the Supernatural universe and in what order. It might help her if she could write everything down. She could remember so she could order her thoughts, that way, She wouldn't forget to tell the Winchesters anything important. She started writing with episode one…


	5. Chapter 5

A/N Hey guys! Finally into the episode :) Sorry the chapter lengths are all over the place. I never know where to cut it off. Hope you like it! Please follow/rate/review it makes me very happy. Thanks to those of you who have reviewed already: Katie131925, guest, Morgan Elizabeth Jacobs, athiusa, and chinaluv.

* * *

_Now, what to write? Zara couldn't really see the point in writing what was happening at the moment. She knew and that was enough for her. She wanted to write something more useful- like a hunter's journal. Finally, she had an idea. She was already having a hard time remembering what happened in the Supernatural universe and in what order. It might help her if she could write everything down. She could remember so she could order her thoughts, that way, She wouldn't forget to tell the Winchesters anything important. She started writing with episode one…_

* * *

**Chapter 5**

Zara woke up to hear Dean slam the front door. Apparently he was back. She lazily looked over at the journal. She hadn't gotten very far- just what she remembered from half of the first season. It was going to take a while at this rate. As she went, she started to remember more and more. She wrote in as much detail as she could in case a little thing would remind her of something more important. She heard Sam and Dean talking about something so she decided to take a chance and go downstairs. Hopefully, the interrogation was on hold for the moment. She crept down the stairs with her journal but stopped before she was in view. She wanted to be able to go back up the stairs without being noticed if she needed to.

"So what'd you tell him?" asked Sam.

"Nothing. Just relax." said Dean.

"What's the hubbub?" Apparently Bobby had joined the conversation.

"It's Cas. He popped in on me about two hours back." Dean said. He had been gone two hours? Where else did he go? Zara knew for a fact that it shouldn't have taken that long. They had passed a Biggerson's not 5 minutes before they got to Bobby's.

"What'd you tell him?" Bobby asked suspiciously.

"Nothing alright? I told him we were on some crap monster hunt. He doesn't know were getting close to Crowley." Dean sighed. "You know he's our friend and we're lying to him through our teeth." He sounded so sad. Cas was his best friend- closest to him other than Sam.

"Dean…" Sam started wearily. They had had this conversation so many times.

"So he burned the wrong bones, so Crowley tricked him." Dean reasoned- desperate to give Cas the benefit of the doubt.

"He's an angel." Bobby said.

"He's like the Balki Bartokomous of Heaven. He can make a mistake." Dean's voice was almost pleading.

"Nobody's saying nothin' yet." Bobby conceded. Zara rolled her eyes. She HAD said something but she knew how important Cas was to Dean. He was going to fight it until Cas admitted it himself.

"You're thinking Cas is in with Crowley. Crowley?" Dean asked incredulously trying to make them realize how ridiculous it sounded.

"Look I'm just saying I don't know. I hate myself for even thinking it but I don't know" Bobby said.

"Look Dean, he's our friend too okay? And I'd die for him. I would. But I'm praying were wrong here." Sam said. "I'm praying Zara is wrong." Sam added in an undertone. The others didn't catch it but Zara did. Zara wished she was wrong too.

"But if we ain't," Bobby continued. "If there's a snowball of a snowball's chance here, that means were dealing with a Superman who has gone dark side. Which means we gotta be smart, we gotta be cautious, and maybe stock up on some kryptonite."

"This makes you Lois Lane." Dean snickered pointing at Sam, carrying the metaphor too far in an attempt to lighten the mood.

Sam rolled his eyes. "One problem at a time here. We gotta find Crowley now before the damn fool cracks open purgatory." They walked back over to the demon. Just for a second, Zara saw a flash of a tan trench coat in the corner of the room. Cas was there. He had heard the whole conversation.

Zara knew they were going to start torturing the demon again to get information. She knew because that's what happened in the episode. She also remembered what they were about to find out. Maybe she could tell them, if her coughing let her, and she could save them a bit of time. She walked around the corner to see Dean take out the demon blade and show it to the man in the chair. The demon's black eyes widened when he recognized it. This blade could actually hurt him. The Winchesters could actually kill him instead of sending him to Hell.

Zara stepped forward. "Dean, wait." Sam and Bobby looked at her surprised. They had both forgotten she was there.

Dean turned- slightly annoyed that he had been interrupted. "What, Zara?"

"Come over here." She turned and walked into another room that looked much like the others- covered in books. Dean followed behind her and looked at her questioningly. Sam and Bobby were close behind him.

"This better be important. We're kinda in the middle of something."

Zara started out nervously- speaking quietly so the demon wouldn't hear. She knew this was going to sound suspicious. "The demon doesn't know where Crowley is. He gets his orders from the demon version of Bobby. His name is Allisworth."

"How do you know this?" Bobby asked.

"She's uh, she's from the future." Sam explained.

"And did she tell you that? No offence to you darlin' but we get enough people lying to us on a daily basis." Bobby reasoned. "How do we know you're telling the truth?"

"She has already proved herself to us." Dean said.

"If you want proof, go ahead and get the same info from the demon. I was just trying to save us time." Zara offered.

Bobby thought for a second. "Fine. But after all this is over, I'd like to know a bit more about your story."

Zara smiled. She could tell he was warming up to her. "It's a date." She winked cheekily.

Dean and Bobby walked back into the living room/office/library whatever it was where the demon was and Zara went out to the porch. Sam trailed behind. Zara leaned on the railing and looked out over the used car lot. Most of the cars were abandoned and in some form of decomposition- rusted husks, broken windows, dented sides, and split cushions. She could see that some of them even had started growing plants through the bottom making an almost post-apocalyptic feel around her. It gave her a bit of comfort to see that even the broken hulls of the junk cars could hold some beauty. In her old world, she often felt like one of the cars. But now, in this new world, she could feel the first shoots of new life growing in her again. She could make this broken husk beautiful again. She didn't have to stay in the proverbial junkyard.

"That was interesting back there." Sam startled her- the boys seemed to be doing that a lot to her recently. He leaned against the railing beside her. "How did you remember something so specific?"

Zara glanced at him. Of course he was suspicious. It could never be easy with these guys. "I've been doing a memory exercise writing down everything I remember. I overheard your conversation and remembered what was going to happen next."

"And you could say it without coughing?" Sam asked.

"You were going to find out in like 5 minutes anyways. I don't think that qualifies as a spoiler." Zara reasoned. Sam nodded- satisfied for now. "Cas overheard that conversation too, ya know?"

Sam's eyes widened. "He did? How do you know?"

"I saw him- both in the episode and here just now. He's going to tip you off later. He'll say something about superman- something he wouldn't know about otherwise."

"What's going to happen?"

Zara thought about it. "You three catch him in holy fire and confront him. You ah… find out what you need to know." She didn't know if she would have a coughing fit there so she decided to be vague. It seemed like they wouldn't believe anything she said without finding the truth out later anyway so what was the point?

Dean poked his head out of the door. "Zara was right. We're heading out. Get your stuff Sammy." They all headed inside. Zara smiled a bit thinking that she had been proved right… again.

Bobby was checking out one of his guns in the kitchen when they came in. He motioned over to the fridge. "Zara, there's food in the fridge. If someone calls, don't answer it. We should be back in a day or so. Please don't do anything stupid. The boys trust you and so I'm willing to go out on a limb and give you a chance but if anything happens, you better bet I'll tear you a new one."

Zara looked at the three indignantly. "What are you talking about? I'm coming with you." She was the one who knew what was going to happen! She had to be there!

All three men wore the same expression- the kind a father had when he expects his children to do what he says. Dean spoke up. "There's going to be demons there. We don't want you to get hurt."

"I can take care of myself." Zara scoffed.

Sam bit his lip. "No offence, but you haven't done that for yourself recently." It was a low blow and he knew it.

Zara flushed with anger but kept it in check as much as she could. He had no idea what it was like. He had no right. "Fine." She spat at them. She knew open resistance this time would only get her locked in the panic room or something and she didn't want that. They left quickly after that. She waited about 20 minutes before walking out of the house and hotwiring the closest car- something her brother had taught her years ago. She raced after them. She was not about to get left behind.

It only took a few hours to get to where they were going. Apparently, all of the men were distracted because they didn't seem to notice a tan compact car following them a mile behind. The Impala turned down a small country drive and Zara knew they were there. She passed the dirt road and doubled back- making sure to wait a few minutes so that they would be in the house by the time she got there. As she pulled up, she noticed that this house had a striking similarity to Bobby's. The Impala was parked in some brush nearby and she parked a few feet away from it. Zara took out the knife she had remembered to snag just before leaving the house. She walked up to the house but stopped on the porch and stood at the door. She felt that she shouldn't go in quite yet so she just stood and listened.

"Hey were clear from the back." Sam said.

"Demons get tipped and bugged out?" Dean asked.

"Maybe they run from us now." Sam joked. "Man that would be a nice thought right?"

"Yeah IF that's what happened." Bobby replied skeptically.

Dean must have motioned something to Sam because the next thing she heard was "Yeah." There were some shuffling noises throughout the house. Zara figured they were giving it another once over to make sure everything was, in fact, cleared out.

"Hey, the place is clean." She heard Sam say a bit later.

"Yeah but it's like Mr. Clean clean. It's kinda OCD for your average demon." Bobby said pointedly looking at Dean. Zara decided that she would chance looking in through the window beside the door. She could see the three men in the main room but they seemed too engrossed in their conversation to notice her.

"Yeah, so what now?" Sam asked.

"We call Cas." Dean said resolutely. Zara could tell from his face that he was still clinging to the angel's innocence in all of this.

"What?" Sam asked. Both Sam and Bobby shifted uncomfortably.

"This is usually the point where we would call Cas for help." Dean explained slowly as if to a two year old.

"We talked about this." Bobby tried to reason with him.

"Yeah Dean." Sam added.

"No. You talked. I listened." Dean changed tactics. "This is Cas guys. I mean- when there was no one, and we were stuck, I mean really stuck, he broke ranks. He has gone to the mat cut and bleeding for us so many friggin times. This is Cas. Don't we owe him the benefit of the doubt at least?" There was an awkward pause as Sam and Bobby tried to think a way around Dean's logic.

Sam sighed and gave in- praying to the angel. "Castiel this is really important. We really need to talk to you." He opened his eyes looking around to see if Cas had listened to his call.

Dean decided to give it a try. "Castiel come on in." Still, nothing happened. "Cas is busy." Dean reasoned.

Zara didn't get to hear the rest of the conversation because suddenly there was a hand around her mouth and a knife pressed to her neck. "What have we here?" A demon purred in her ear. She struggled in his strong grip. "A little spy? You aren't one of the Winchesters gang. Who are you? I'd love to find out."

Then Zara remembered she still had the knife in her hand. It wasn't a demon knife and so it wouldn't actually hurt the demon but it might buy her some time. She stabbed behind her as hard as she could and felt it connect to something behind her with a sickening squelch. She heard the demon curse and then she was thrown against the door. It wasn't latched all the way and so, when she slammed into it, it swung open and she fell hard on the floor. She could see that the three men were in a similar fight with their own demons, but that was all she could see before the demon was on top of her again.

She began reciting the exorcism she had heard on the TV so much she had it memorized. "Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus..." The demon flinched and she took her chance to swing at him. She hit him square on the jaw and rolled over so that she was on top of him. "omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio..."The demon growled and tried to throw her off of him but she held on tight. He rolled on top of her again and tried to put his hands around her neck, but she got her legs up between them and kicked him hard in the chest with both feet- flinging him against a wall. "infernalis adversarii, omnis legio," He growled at her gutturally and prepared to launch himself at her again but it was too late. She was almost done. "omnis congregatio et secta diabolica. Audi nos." The demon threw his head back and black smoke flew out of his mouth. The body then slumped to the floor.

Zara couldn't believe she had actually done it. She exorcized a demon! She looked over at the others and found that Cas had finally appeared and smote the other demons. Sam caught her eye and gave her a look. She was so going to get in trouble for disobeying them but he had seen what she did. But he seemed proud of her. She grinned back at him. She was proud of herself too!

Dean glanced over at her before acknowledging Cas. Oh, she was really going to get it when they got back to Bobby's "Hey its good to see you Cas." Dean looked over at the others as if saying, "See? I told you he was still on our side."

"Are you alright?" Castiel's back was to her so he didn't notice she was there but Zara could recognize that gravelly voice anywhere. She always thought it was funny that the actor that played him used a much different voice in real life and he even regretted giving Castiel such a deep voice.

"Yeah. Perfect timing Cas." Sam replied.

"I'm glad I found you. I come with news." Cas went straight to business as usual.

"Yeah what?" Dean asked.

"I firmly believe Crowley is alive." Cas said slowly. Zara knew that Cas was just giving them that information to placate them. He was trying his best to keep his friend from knowing he had "Gone dark side."

"Yeah you think Kojack?" Dean asked sarcastically. He then turned to the others and said triumphantly, "Well Bobby, what do you think about Cas saving our asses… again?"

"I think we owe you an apology." Bobby said grudgingly.

"Why?" Castiel asked in his classic confused voice. Zara knew it was a front. He knew exactly why and it was breaking him that his friends still had so much faith in him while he was going behind their backs.

"We've been hunting Crowley this whole time and keeping it from you." Sam said apologetically. It seemed that Sam and Bobby had suddenly changed their minds about Cas now that he had saved their lives… again.

"We thought you were working with him." Bobby added.

"You thought what?" Cas asked skeptically.

"I know. It's crazy right?" Dean continued- relieved that the others had come around to his side.

"It's just that you torched the wrong bones." Bobby seemed to be floundering in his apology. "It doesn't matter. We were wrong."

"You know, you could've just asked me." Cas chided.

"Yeah. We should have. We never should've… we just hope you can forgive us." Dean continued.

"It's forgotten." Cas smiled.

"Thanks." Dean was relieved that Cas hadn't taken much offence to their suspicion.

"Yeah thanks Cas." Sam added for good measure.

"It is a little absurd though." Cas continued.

"I know. I know." said Bobby.

"Superman going to the dark side? I'm still just Castiel." And that was where everything changed. The little trust Cas had gained back was lost all over again in an instant. They didn't show it but all three men knew right there that Cas had spied on their conversation. Cas wasn't the best at pop culture references. He had to have gotten it from when they had talked earlier.

"I guess we can put away the kryptonite." Dean continued the conversation so as to not tip Cas off that he had slipped."

"Exactly." And with that, Cas disappeared. As soon as he was gone, Dean turned around and walked into another room muttering expletives.

"Dean," Sam started to follow him but was stopped when Dean turned and glared at him.

"Not now, Sammy. I need to think." Dean stormed out of the door that led outside in the other room.

"I'll talk him 'round Sam. You can deal with her." Bobby motioned towards Zara before walking out after Dean.

Sam sighed and turned to her but she didn't want to hear it. "I know you're about to chew me out for not listening to you. I could've gotten hurt. Bla. Bla. Bla. I know what you're gonna say but I don't really wana talk about it. I can take care of myself and I think I proved it, thank you very much."

Sam looked taken aback. He decided to just drop it. "You exorcized a demon… You can fight." Zara rolled her eyes. Of course she could. Her dad was a cop and the exorcism was just a little tidbit she had learned on the show. "Why didn't you defend yourself against your husband?"

She hadn't expected that question. It was complicated to say the least. "Have you ever been abused by someone you loved?"

Sam thought for a moment and said slowly, "No." He wouldn't call growing up with his father abuse… just tough love.

"Then I don't expect you to understand." Zara snapped. She had been able to forget about Sean for a few hours and didn't appreciate it being brought up again.

"Try me." She was going to refuse him again but he was giving her his famous puppy dog look. His eyes captivated her. They had such a kindness in them that she couldn't help but feel safer looking at them.

She sighed and he smiled a bit when he realized she had given in. She began slowly. "Every time he hit, slapped, shoved, cut, or bruised me, all I could think about was how much I loved him on our wedding day. How I would never want to hurt him. If I fought back, I knew I wouldn't stop until he looked just as bruised as I did, and I just couldn't let myself do that. I couldn't bring myself to hurt him and so I never lifted a finger." A single tear fell down her face. She quickly wiped it away.

"And you never told anybody?" He asked sadly.

"No."

"Why?"

"The only person I trusted to protect me… died. I felt that if I turned to anyone else he would still find me." She wrapped her arms around her middle in an attempt to comfort herself. She could see that Sam wanted to hug her- do something to comfort her- but he wouldn't do anything she wasn't okay with. He knew she didn't respond well to touch and so he kept his distance.

"Do you still love him?"

She didn't expect that question either. She took a minute before she responded. "I love the man I married. The man who shot me in that cemetery is not the man I married. He is long gone. I mourn for him every day but I know he will never come back and so I try to look forward as much as I can and forget the hurts of the past."

Sam nodded satisfied. He then seemed to reconsider her earlier statement. "Who died?"

She did NOT want to go there. "I was right."

"What?" Sam was going to have to get used to her changing the subject quickly… especially if he kept prying about her brother.

"I was right about Cas. I told you he would let the Superman thing slip. I will also be right about tonight. You'll see." She wanted to plead with him to start believing her. She was so tired of being ignored even thought she was right.

"I guess we will." Sam added sadly. "It's not every day you find out you've been betrayed by a brother." All Zara could do was nod. She knew all too well how that felt.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N Hey guys! Sorry this chapter might not be the greatest but I moved out of state today so it's amazing that I'm even posting. The next chapter is a doosie I promise ;) I seriously would rather post that chapter but continuity stuff ya know? Myrina you know what part I'm talking about hehhehheh. As always, please please PLEASE review. It seriously makes my day you have no idea. Thanks to chinaluv for reviewing last chapter. You always make me smile chica.

* * *

_"I was right about Cas. I told you he would let the Superman thing slip. I will also be right about tonight. You'll see." She wanted to plead with him to start believing her. She was so tired of being ignored even thought she was right._

_"I guess we will." Sam added sadly. "It's not every day you find out you've been betrayed by a brother." All Zara could do was nod. She knew all too well how that felt._

* * *

**Chapter 6**

"Castiel… uh… we need you down here for a little pow wow here. So, uh, come on down." Dean's voice cut through the silence of the house. Everything had been set up and all of them were nervous. It wasn't every day that they called a mega powerful being to have an interrogation. They decided that, since Castiel didn't know who she was and hadn't seen her yet, Zara should wait in the car. She didn't like it but she knew what was going to happen and she understood that the boys needed the privacy. Of course she still snuck out and listened at the door just in case.

The familiar sound of wings filled the air and, suddenly, there was someone else in the room. "Hello" Castiel said.

"Johnny on the spot." Bobby quipped.

"You're still here." Castiel looked at the brothers questioningly.

"Yeah well we had to bury the bodies." Sam explained.

"And we found a little whiskey." Dean held up a glass showing him the bottle of liquor he had found stashed in the cupboard. "Thanks for coming."

"How can I help?" Castiel asked patiently.

"Well, look, we have a new plan." Sam started hesitantly. "We think we finally have a way to track down Crowley."

Castiel walked closer towards them. "What is it?" he asked curious though a little suspicious. They were acting a little funny.

"It's you." Bobby explained. He threw a match down on the ground and a circle of holy fire erupted around the trench coat clad angel.

"What are you doing?" Casteil asked- surprised and a little hurt.

"We gotta talk..." Dean started.

"About what? Let me go." Panic tinged Castiel's voice. He knew he was caught now. He was going to have to tell them the truth.

"About superman… and kryptonite." Dean glared at the angel.

"How did you know what I said?" Bobby asked a little gentler though no less suspicious.

"You know who spies on people? Spies." Dean said.

"Can we just stop for a minute? I don't even know what you mean." Castiel was trying to do as much damage control as possible.

"What about this demon crap hole?" Sam chimed in too. "How is it so… 'next to godliness' clean in here?"

"How exactly did Crowley trick you with the wrong bones?" Bobby asked again. He seemed really hung up on that little question.

"That's hard to understand." Cas was fumbling with his words now. "That is hard to explain. Just let me go. Let me out and I can-"

"You gotta look at me man." All of the anger and hurt that Dean had bundled up inside of him could be felt purely through his voice. "You gotta level with me and tell me what's going on. Look me in the eye and tell me you're not working with Crowley." Castiel didn't answer and Dean held back a strangled choking sound that could only be described a suppressed sob.

"Just let me explain." Cas pleaded- greatly affected by that single sound.

"You're in it with him? You and Crowley have been going after purgatory together? You have huh? This whole time!" Dean looked at him- disgusted.

"I did it to protect you- to protect all of you." Cas knew his intentions were well meant.

"Protect us how?" Sam asked- obviously just as hurt by his affirmation of the question. "By opening a hole into monster land?"

"He's right Cas." Bobby said. "One drop got through and it was Eve and you wana break down the entire dam?"

"Yes." Cas stated resolutely. He would stand behind his actions. "-to get the souls. I can stop Raphael. Please you have to trust me."

"Trust you?!" Sam scoffed. "How in the hell are we supposed to trust you now?"

"I'm still me. I'm still your friend." Maybe if he told them about what he did for Sam, they would understand. "Sam, I'm the one who raised you from Perdition."

All three of them stopped in their tracks. Castiel had done what? He had gone to Hell and back for them… again? Then Sam's expression hardened. "What? Well, no offence, but you did a pretty piss poor job of it." Then something occurred to him. "Wait, did you bring me back soulless on purpose?"

Cateiel looked hurt. "How could you think that?"

"Well I'm thinking a lot of things right now, Cas." Sam said sarcastically.

"Listen, Raphael will kill us all. He'll turn the world into a graveyard." Castiel reasoned. "I had no choice."

Dean cut in again. "No. You had a choice. You just made the wrong one."

"You don't understand. It's complicated-"

"No, actually, it's not." Dean interrupted. "And you know that. Why else would keep this a secret unless you knew that this was wrong? When crap like this comes around, we deal with it like we always have. What we don't do is make another deal with the devil!" Dean was yelling.

"That sounds so simple when you say it like that." Castiel whispered. The contrast in the volumes of their voices was jarring. Then he cut his eyes at Dean. "Where were you when I needed to hear it?"

Dean was not about to let Cas put the blame on him. "I was there. Where were you? You should've come to us for help, Cas."

"Maybe... but it's too late now." Cas said looking out the window. The sky was starting to fill with black smoke. They were about to get company. "I can't turn back now. I can't."

"It's not too late." Dean pleaded. "Dammit, Cas! We can fix this!"

Cas looked at him with a hard expression. "Dean, it's not broken." Cas looked out the window again. The demons were coming closer. He began to get afraid for his friends. "Run. You have to run now. Run!" Zara rushed back to the car quickly so as to not get caught.

The three humans ran out of the door and toward the cars. Dean was the last one out. He hesitated at the doorway and glanced back at his friend. Something inside Dean broke when he turned away. He had just lost one of his only friends in the world and he didn't know if anything was going to be okay ever again.

* * *

As soon as they got back to Bobby's house, all four of them started in on angel proofing the house with red paint. Honestly, it looked like some seriously crazy satanic devil worship or something but it was supposed to work. Zara knew they were going to do it wrong. Castiel was going to get in and have a conversation with Dean tonight anyway. She didn't say anything though; Cas wasn't going to do anything bad and she didn't want to draw any more attention to herself. They would only remember that she had ignored their orders and followed them and then she would get an earful from Bobby and Dean. Sam seemed to understand. He had been the most considerate of the trio but it was understandable about the other two. They were going through a lot right now and it was only going to get worse.

When they were done, Sam and Dean went upstairs and Bobby went out to the shed to do something. Zara didn't feel tired quite yet so she decided to write more in her journal. She started where she left off in the middle of season 1 and just got lost in the story. She wrote about all of the monsters the brothers encountered and the epic fights they had. She wrote about the demon that killed their mother and how their father followed it across the country. She wrote about how John Winchester eventually got possessed by said demon and Sam made the choice to save his father's life instead of kill the demon. By the time she got to season 2, she was hungry so she grabbed a sandwich and a beer from the fridge. She closed the fridge door to see that Bobby had come in and was looking at what she had written in the journal.

"What's this?" Bobby asked.

"Oh. It was an empty journal I found upstairs. I hope it wasn't a problem that I used it." Zara looked at him uncomfortably. She hadn't asked for it. If she had taken something of Sean's without asking, she would have been in some serious trouble. She waited tensely for his reaction.

Bobby shrugged. "It's fine." Zara let out a little breath. "I probably have dozens of these empty things lying around. I always intended to make a hunter's journal like everyone else but it just turned into a hunter's library instead. Why are you writing about Sam and Dean in here? You didn't even know them when all of this happened."

"It's a long story…"

"You promised me a date, Zara." The aging man winked.

She smiled. She was finally seeing the side of Bobby that had made her love him in the show. She sat down at the table across from him and told him her story. It sounded crazy repeating it out loud even for the second time and Zara couldn't believe that Bobby hadn't interrupted and told her that she was insane. Bobby listened quietly the whole time with a thoughtful look on his face. When she had finished, she looked up at him and asked, "So do you believe me?"

Bobby sighed. "It's not the easiest thing to believe, but who am I to judge?" He chuckled. "I've had some strange things happen to me too."

Zara laughed. "You sure have."

"Do people like me on the show?" Bobby asked jokingly.

Leave it to Bobby to deal with the whole "my life is a TV show" thing like that. She laughed. "Yeah. Just about everyone loves you." She didn't add that the fans of Supernatural were pretty free with their love. They loved the main characters. They loved the support characters. They loved the evil characters. Heck. They even loved the obscure characters like "Tractor Angel". She added, "You were one of my favorite characters."

"Why?" Bobby asked incredulously.

Zara didn't ever think that she would in a million years be able to tell a favorite character what they meant to her. It was an amazing opportunity. "When I found out about your past- about your abusive father- was around the time I started being abused. I felt like I wasn't alone. There was someone else who knew my pain. I know your life isn't exactly like mine and that you've been through even more than I can imagine, but I knew that, if you could live through it, then so could I. I just want to thank you for giving me hope when I couldn't find any." Zara felt she should thank all three of the men but she needed to thank Bobby the most.

Bobby was speechless. He didn't know his life could impact someone else so much. "I'm, uh, glad to hear that I could help you… I guess." Zara just smiled. He sat thoughtfully for a second. "You said 'were'…"

"I said what?" She asked absentmindedly.

"You said 'Were one of my favorite characters.' What does that mean? Does that mean I die?" Bobby asked. He cringed inwardly at himself for changing the subject to something so selfish but he wanted to know.

"Oh! No no no." Zara backpedaled. "I've come to realize that I'm stuck in this dimension. If I'm going to live here, I need to stop thinking of this as just a story. Everyone here is real now, not characters and I need to acknowledge everyone as real people. That might not make sense. I don't know. Dimensional culture shock is a bit hard to deal with… I said 'were' to show that I don't think of you as a character anymore."

Bobby squinted at her. This was one odd girl. "Well, thanks." He said sarcastically. "I have achieved real personhood in your eyes. I'm so honored."

She smiled. They chatted for a little longer and then he went to bed. Zara felt like she had really accomplished something. She had Bobby's good will and that's gotta count for something. Then she blew out a long breath and put her forehead on her arms which were folded on the table. She had meant everything she said about the kinship she felt and the fact that she was accepting this new dimension as reality for her and she really did see Bobby as a person. Of course she did. But the "were" that had so carelessly slipped out of her mouth had had two meanings. It did mean what she said, but it also meant that he was going to die. Zara couldn't bear to tell him. She knew what it would do to him.

She remembered when Dean had made that deal with a demon to bring back Sam and he knew he only had a year left. It was constantly on both Sam and Dean's minds the entire time. The "last year" that Dean had, was cheapened by them knowing. He might as well have died immediately because he acted dead for that whole year. She didn't want to do that to Bobby. She didn't want to cheapen his last year and maybe, since she knew, maybe she could change it. Maybe she could save Bobby and no one would ever know. Zara was beginning to realize when it was good to keep quiet about things. This whole "no spoiler" thing had really taught her to choose her words carefully and think about what would happen when she spoke. There were consequences to knowing things she shouldn't.

Speaking of things she shouldn't know, Zara picked up her pen again. It was time to continue writing. Where was she? Ah… the accident. She wrote long into the night and when the Winchesters came downstairs for breakfast in the morning they found her face down on the table fast asleep- a completed journal tucked under her arm.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N Here's the chapter I've been excited about for a while now well... this one and the next few hehhehheh. :) As always, please review/follow/favorite. It keeps me inspired to write more. Thank you to Morgan Elizabeth Jacobs, EmilyAnnGibbs-McGarrett, chinaluv, and Winchester-co for reviewing the last chapter. Oh and, just to be safe, Zara does know the future seasons so it's a safe bet things will be spoiled along the way. I recommend watching the finales before you read them but that's none of my business (Insert a picture of Kermit drinking Lipton Tea for those of you on Tickld). Anyways... I hope y'all enjoy reading this as much as I do writing it!

* * *

_Zara was beginning to realize when it was good to keep quiet about things. This whole "no spoiler" thing had really taught her to choose her words carefully and think about what would happen when she spoke. There were consequences to knowing things she shouldn't._

_Speaking of things she shouldn't know, Zara picked up her pen again. It was time to continue writing. Where was she? Ah… the accident. She wrote long into the night and when the Winchesters came downstairs for breakfast in the morning they found her face down on the table fast asleep- a completed journal tucked under her arm._

* * *

**Chapter 7**

"We need to find him." Zara could hear Dean growl behind her while she was making breakfast. Cas had had a little chat with Dean the night before just like she knew he would.

Sam sighed. "I know Dean but we have no leads. How are we going to find him?" Zara took their plates over to the table and the boys started to dig in.

"Would you know how to help Zara? Maybe an address or something?" Dean asked with his mouth full.

Zara put down her fork. "Give me a second." She grabbed her journal and started flipping through. She was really glad she had finished it. It was so much easier when she had it all written down. She flipped to the part labeled season 6 and went towards the back. She reviewed what would happen in the next couple of days- Ellie (Bobby's purgatory friend) would die, Cas would break Sam's wall, Balthazar would join them and then die, and Cas would swallow all of Purgatory. She was overwhelmed. How could she prevent all of that? It was too much. She put her hands over her face and groaned.

Sam looked up. "What is it? What's going to happen?"

Zara looked at the brothers sadly. "Everything."

"What do we need to do?" Dean asked.

"First, get Bobby to call Ellie. She needs to get to a safe house pronto."

"Ellie- the Purgatory chick?" Dean asked quirking his eyebrow.

"Yeah. She's in danger. They- *Cough*" Zara sighed. "Just get her safe." Sam nodded and went to go get Bobby. Zara then looked over at Dean. He wasn't going to like this. "Second, we need to lock Sam up in the panic room."

"What? Why?" Dean looked at her quizzically. Sure, he had locked Sam in there when he was going off demon blood but he was all good now. Why would he need to be locked up in there?

Zara coughed pitifully. She wasn't going to be able to tell him why. "I… I can't tell you. But please, Dean. It will be better for him in there."

"No."

"But Dean!" He was being totally unreasonable. He didn't know what was going to happen. She did.

"I said no and that's final. Sam stays free. I locked him up in there once. I'm not doing it again." Dean said with finality.

"It's for his safety!" She pleaded.

"Zara!" Dean barked and stood towering over her. He looked at her intimidatingly and his fists were clenched. A threat was on his lips. She shrunk back. It was a reflexive response from when she was with Sean but she couldn't help it. The motion was hard wired into her brain. Flashbacks of her time with Sean came into her vision and she let out a small squeak. Dean's eyes widened. He hadn't meant to frighten her… not really.

Zara stood up and headed towards the door. Her fight or flight reflexes were taking over and she needed to get away before the visions overtook her. Zara stopped in the doorway but didn't turn so he wouldn't see the tears in her eyes. They would be a sign of weakness. She whispered, "If you don't want to listen to me, then don't. But don't turn on me when your brother gets hurt." She walked out the door and into the mess of junk cars beyond.

"Zara, wait." Dean said sadly. He didn't follow her. He didn't want to scare her again. He sat back down and put his head in his hands. And he was just gaining her trust too!

* * *

Zara came back after an hour or so but she refused to speak to or even look at Dean. Sam had come back and informed them that Bobby was trying his best to get a hold of Ellie but he had been trying for a while and hadn't been successful. Zara knew what that meant. There was an awkward icy silence during which Sam looked between the both of them questioningly but, when neither were forthcoming, he decided not to ask. "What's going to happen?"

Zara sighed. "It's too late for her." The brothers sat at the table somberly while Zara leaned against the counter.

"What's the third thing Zara?" Dean finally broke the silence. He had given in but Zara wasn't about to let him off the hook. She ignored him.

Sam gave Dean an odd look. "Third? I thought we were on number two?"

Dean shook his slightly- telling his brother not to push it. He cut his eyes at Zara and gave her a "You're being childish" look. "Just tell us what we need to do."

Zara rolled her eyes. She was still mad at him but they really did need to get moving. "Balthazar. Call Balthazar." Zara sat on the couch as the boys gathered the ingredients needed to call the angel. Dean kept tiptoeing around her, avoiding the room she was in, never making contact. She almost felt bad for him but it wasn't her fault. It was his for threatening her. Granted, it wasn't said out loud, but she knew that body language when she saw it. She knew when someone was about to hit her. She wasn't going act like everything was alright between them. She was not about to deal with another abusive situation.

They finally had everything together so Zara went out to the front of the house with them and they lit the ingredients on fire. Within seconds, Balthazar appeared sitting on top of a nearby car sipping Champagne with an annoyed look plastered on his face.

"I'm sorry boys, do I look like a manservant to you? No? Then quit ringing for me. Please!" Balthazar's accent was just dripping with annoyance.

"This is important Balthazar." Dean growled. His patience was shot for the day.

"I was drinking a 75 dom out of sopranas navel when you called. That was important." He motioned his glass at Dean pointedly. That was when he noticed Zara standing a little behind Dean. His whole countenance changed. It was as if he just recognized someone he thought he would never see again. He whispered something that sounded like, "Akele, what are-" Just as quickly as he had started his little fit or whatever, it was gone and he was back to his normal snarky self. The three humans shared a confused glance. Had they really seen that or was it their imagination? "Ah, did you finally get a live in one Dean? I was hoping you would. Less chance of getting diseases with just one." Zara gave him a disgusted look. "Though it does seem as if you've quite offended the poor woman. What did you do?" Zara looked like she wanted to punch Balthazar and Dean looked even more so.

Before a fight could break out, Sam blurted "Crowley's alive."

Balthazar glanced at him- slightly amused. "Well you've been scooped. Cas told me already."

"Well did he tell you he's been Crowley's butt buddy?" Dean asked sullenly. He was still pretty sore about it.

Balthazar's eyes widened and he shifted his weight. "What?"

"Handshake deal, called halvsies on all the souls in Purgatory. Did he fill you in on that?" Sam pressed.

Balthazar schooled his features into an unconcerned air. "Well yes. Yes of course he did. Yes." He took a sip of his Champagne.

"Yes of course he did." Sam mimicked. "We can read it all over your face."

"A lot of innocent people are gonna die if we let this happen." Dean said.

"And I care about this why?" Balthazar looked bored.

"Maybe there's a shred of decency under all that snarky crap." Dean reasoned.

"Please Balthazar." Zara added.

"Hmm. I see. Fair enough." Balthazar disappeared with a rush of wings and Dean swore.

"What now?" Sam asked Zara.

"We wait. He's going to talk to Cas. He'll be back soon." Zara assured them.

* * *

Later that night Zara came into the kitchen to find Sam drinking some whiskey. She was about to comment on it when she heard angel wings and Balthazar commented on it instead. "Drinking your feelings Sam? I thought that was your brother's bag."

Sam shrugged. "Stressful times."

"Well, we need to talk." Balthazar looked around for Dean.

"Why?"

Balthazar shifted- looking between the two humans. "Well I know I'm going to live to regret this, but I'm officially on your team… you bastards."

"Let me go get Dean and we can talk about this." Sam ducked out of the kitchen leaving Zara alone with Balthazar.

He looked at her quizzically and asked her, "You're not from here are you?" though it seemed like he already knew the answer.

"Ah, no." Zara grimaced. "I just got here a few days ago."

"Another dimension, yes? One with the absolute minimum of magic? It must have cost a lot to get you here- a soul at the very least." Balthazar said thoughtfully and then looked her straight in the eye. "I can tell you didn't sell yours so who did you coerce into doing it?"

Zara looked at him bewildered. A soul? Like a demon deal? "What are you talking about? I didn't get anyone to sell their soul for me. I have no idea how I even got here."

"Don't lie." He chided. "You positively reek of a demon deal. If the Hardy Brothers find out, you'll be in for it."

Zara backpedaled. She was in way over her depth. How did he know how she got there? She didn't even know! "I didn't make a deal with any demons. I promise! One second, I was in a cemetery getting shot at by my husband," Balthazar's eyes widened. "And the next, he was gone and Sam and Dean were there."

He took on a bored expression again. He seemed very adept at masking his emotions when he wanted to. "Interesting to say the least, but even if you didn't make someone sell their souls, someone is in Hell for you." Zara's mind was spinning. Someone was in Hell for her? Why? Who would do that? "Though I think they could've gotten a better deal. The gag is a bit much. You can't possibly know that much."

"Gag? You mean the thing where I cough when I'm about to spoil something?" That made sense… she guessed. Maybe he knew about how to get it off. That would be helpful.

"Yes." Balthazar started pacing. "The dimensions aren't always aligned with each other. You probably know something that will happen in the near future but the demon controlling your deal isn't going to let you mess with its plans."

"Wait… you're saying I have a gag put on me by a demon who got me over here because someone sold their soul for me?" Again, whose soul? This one conversation was giving Zara a headache.

"Hmm, yes." He confirmed.

"How can I get the gag taken off?"

"You would have to talk to the demon who holds the contract for your deal."

Zara thought for a second. "I'm assuming the only demon powerful enough to handle inter-dimensional deals would be Crowley."

Balthazar smiled. She was smarter than she looked. "It would make sense. How much do you know about this dimension?"

"This place was a TV show where I was. I know every important happening from six years ago until three years from now. That's probably reason for a gag then."

"Ah, yes. I see. Very interesting." She could see the gears in Balthazar's head spinning.

"How do you know so much about dimension hopping anyway?"

"I'm thousands of years old. I've done my fair share of it." He waved his hand dismissively but she wasn't about to let him get away with that. She opened her mouth to speak but he interrupted. "Let's just say I've had first hand experience on everything you could be dealing with."

"Does that mean you're from another dimension?"

"…No." That sounded more complicated than it should be.

"Have you been to mine?"

"Yes. In fact, I have." Oh she needed to know about that one. She could tell by his face he was hiding something big.

"What did you do there?"

"Spoilers, Akele. Spoilers." She was about to say more but he interrupted quickly. "Ah there's the howler monkeys." His attention was fixed astutely on the Winchesters who were coming down the stairs. Oh he was definitely hiding something. "I do believe we are making an arrangement."

Dean looked at Balthazar skeptically. "So you are going to be our double agent?"

"Yes I suppose so." He sighed.

"And we should believe you… why?" Dean was not about to get tricked.

"Would you believe I had a shred of decency?"

"No." Sam admitted.

"Oh that hurts." Balthazar said sarcastically with a mock hurt face. He then conceded, "Okay its survival." Sam rolled his eyes. Of course it was. "You see, I asked Cas some questions and I disliked his answers. He seems awful sure of himself for a man who wants to swallow a million nuclear reactors. These things can get a bit Chernobyl ya know? So voila." He spread his arms out. "Consider me your double agent. Call when you need me. I'll be around." He quickly vanished after that.

After Balthazar left, Sam looked between Zara and Dean. "You need to straighten out whatever is between you before all this goes down. We don't need any more crap than we already have. So fix it. Now." He ordered before heading out to get dinner.

Dean sighed and looked over at Zara. She just raised her eyebrows at him- waiting for him to apologize. "Why don't we sit down?" He gestured to the chairs around the kitchen table. Zara shook her head. She wasn't about to sit down. She had learned that it was always safer for her to stand- ready for anything. Dean sighed and ran his hand through the hair on the back of his head. "Zara, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking and I let my emotions get away with me. I wasn't trying to scare you or bring back bad memories, truly. It won't happen again." He looked at her helplessly. She didn't move a muscle and he groaned- frustrated. "What more do you want me to say Zara? I mean, we're talking about locking Sam up. Again. I promised I would never do that again. I can protect Sam. I've always protected Sammy. You know that."

Zara wasn't going to forgive him but, when she heard him talk about his brother, she was reminded of her older brother. Her heart ached. She wanted her brother to protect her again like Dean did for Sam. It was what attracted her to the show so much, after he died especially. There was the same protective spirit that she craved from her brother but could never have again. Her eyes softened and Dean's face brightened hopefully. She finally spoke. "I understand. But you're still making a terrible mistake."

"I can protect him." Dean said resolutely.

Zara was tired. She just wanted to go to bed and so she started to leave. "Just keep Cas away from Sam as much as possible Dean."

"And- And you're not mad about the other thing?" Dean asked hesitantly.

Her eyes flashed back at him. "You said it won't happen again. Break that promise and I break your legs." Dean nodded. Somehow, he knew she could make good on that promise.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N Hey guys! So I am not above self promotion but this promo has a purpose :P I have a tumblr and I'm going to start posting lots of things about this fic on there (pics/drawings/oneshots/important news ect.) All of it will be tagged Light. I'm going to handle any oneshot requests through that as well. So if you wana check it out I'm Qbbie. I promise this is the only time I'm gonna self promo so don't worry ;) Okay, I'm done. As always, please rate and review. It makes me happy. Thanks to Chinaluv, EmilyAnnGibbs-McGarrett, and guest for reviewing last chapter!

* * *

_"You're still making a terrible mistake."_

_"I can protect him." Dean said resolutely._

_Zara was tired. She just wanted to go to bed and so she started to leave. "Just keep Cas away from Sam as much as possible Dean."_

_"And- And you're not mad about the other thing?" Dean asked hesitantly._

_Her eyes flashed back at him. "You said it won't happen again. Break that promise and I break your legs." Dean nodded. Somehow, he knew she could make good on that promise._

* * *

**Chapter 8**

The next morning Bobby was no closer to getting a hold of Ellie after searching all day the day before. Zara knew it was already too late but she encouraged him to keep looking. When the phone rang, they almost didn't answer it but then Bobby noticed the number. It was her. They were all around the kitchen table and Bobby put her on speaker phone.

"El?" Bobby asked.

There was labored breathing on the other line. Finally a strained voice said, "Hey. I guess I could've used your help after all."

"What happened?" Bobby asked hurriedly.

"They took me… I got away." She coughed. "But I'm hurt real bad. I'm not gonna make it." All four of them looked at each other sadly.

"Aww Ellie," Bobby said. "What have they done to you?"

"Everything. The demon I could've handled ya know? But when the angel stepped in, I told 'em Bobby." She sounded so broken. Dean started pacing angrily when he realized she was talking about Cas. "They have enough to crack Purgatory wide open."

"Have they opened it yet?" Dean asked.

"No. Tonight. The moon. The eclipse." Ellie's voice was fading. "I'm sorry Bobby."

"It's okay." Bobby's voice broke.

"I'm sorry." Ellie sighed.

"Tell us where they are." There was no answer. "El?" The line went dead. Bobby looked stricken. She was dead.

Suddenly, the sound of angel wings filled the room. Cas was here. "I'm sorry this had to happen. Crowley got a little carried away." Cas explained stoically. Zara tried to get in front of Sam. Now was the time that Cas broke Sam's wall down and he remembered everything that happened in Hell. She tried to get Dean's attention but he was too busy trying to punch Cas.

"Yeah I'm sure it was all Crowley. You son of a bitch." Bobby spat.

"You don't even see it do you? How totally off the rails you are?" Dean looked broken. His best friend was so lost.

"Enough!" Cas was done with Dean trying to reason with him. "I don't care what you think. I've tried to make you understand you won't listen. So let me make this simple. Please go home and let me stop Raphael. I won't ask again." He threatened.

"Well good, 'cause I think you already know the answer." Dean said.

"No Dean." Zara pleaded.

Cas sighed. "I wish it hadn't come to this but rest assured that when all this is over I will save Sam- but only if you stand down."

Dean's eyes widened and he moved closer to Sam. "Save Sam from what?"

Cas appeared behind Sam and touched his head. Sam slumped to the ground and Dean and Zara yelled, "No!" It was all happening just like before and she couldn't do anything to stop it. She started crying.

Cas then looked down at her. He hadn't acknowledged her in all the times they had been in the same room until now. "You're coming with me. Crowley wants you." Zara felt the angel touch her shoulder and she was transported into what looked like a lab for a mad scientist/torturer. In the middle of the room stood the King of Hell- Crowley. She sunk to her knees- vertigo seizing her from the teleportation/flying. This was getting worse and worse by the second.

* * *

"Ah Ducky! It's good to finally meet you." Crowley smiled at her warmly. In light of the last couple seasons, Zara was having a hard time remembering Crowley was completely evil here. Yes, he was evil but he was on their side at some points. "Is this world agreeing with you?"

He's evil. Remember. He's not half cured at the moment. It was a little more believable when she noticed the blood stains on the floor. Zara stood up and looked him straight in the eye. "Just peachy Crowley. I trust you were the one heading my deal?"

"Mm yes. Interesting one that was. I couldn't believe that out of all the places I could've sent you, he wanted you to be here."

He? He who? Zara's stomach dropped. She knew exactly who. She asked to make sure. "Who did it? Who sold their soul for me?"

"I think he thought it was an apology." Zara slumped back to the ground. Her brother. Her brother would be the only one in her life who would want to apologize. He would be the only one who would feel the need to sacrifice his soul for her. Something inside Zara broke. Her brother… sold his soul… for her. Suddenly, she had no problem with thinking of Crowley as the bad guy. He was the one who put her brother's soul in Hell. It was his fault.

Crowley walked closer to her- a sardonic look on his face. "He did betray you, didn't he?" Zara let out a choked noise. She didn't know when she started crying but the tears were pouring now. She wanted him to stop, to stop the torture. Physical torture she could handle but this psychological thrashing was more than anything Sean had physically done to her. Brennon. In Hell. For her. "Left you alone to care for your dying mother after he promised he'd always be there. Pretty dick move if you ask me."

"Please Crowley… stop."

He just continued- taking so much pleasure in her pain. "He promised to protect you. Promised you would never be alone." He stepped close to her and bent down to speak in her ear. "And then, he died. He couldn't protect you anymore and he had to stand by and watch as your husband beat you again, and again, and again."

"That wasn't his fault. He couldn't have known. I was the one who-" She sobbed.

"You know he still watches it- the beatings." Zara looked up at him horrified. There was evident glee in his eyes. He whispered- forcing her to strain to hear every word. "It's his own personal hell- getting to watch his baby sister scream and cry while he can do nothing."

"You bastard!" She screamed. It echoed all around the empty room. A little quieter she brokenly said, "You had no right."

"I had every right!" Crowley said indignantly. "He sold his soul to me!"

"Let him out." Zara was prepared to make any deal, pay any price, as long as her brother could go where he deserved and rest in peace.

"No." He smirked.

"Let him out or I swear I will-" She threatened.

"You'll what Ducky? Kill me?" He chuckled. "You have memories of the future. I'm sure I'm there. I checked. I don't seem to die easily now do I?" Obviously he didn't check very closely. He didn't seem too troubled that his empire was in shambles in the future but she wasn't about to tell him. "I'm not concerned. I think we're done here." Crowley raised his hand to snap her back to the Winchesters.

"Wait." Zara pleaded. "What about the gag?" If she couldn't help her brother, maybe she could help the brothers he evidently sent as replacements.

"Ah, the gag." Crowley looked as if he had forgotten about it. "There's no real point in keeping it any more is there? My plan is just about complete and it won't matter what you say. Why don't I take it off as a show of amnesty?" He touched her lips and Zara felt a weight lifted off of her that she hadn't even realized was there before. "Just remember, I can just as easily put it back on. If I catch wind that you are messing around in my dog bowl, I will not hesitate to muzzle you. Ta" He said flippantly. He snapped and she was back at Bobby's house to see a stunned Dean pouring a glass of whiskey.

* * *

Dean practically dropped his glass he was so surprised. So much had happened in the last hour that he just needed some alcohol to clear his head. Sam was in the panic room in a coma and Zara just vanished with Cas and he had no idea on how to start on either situation. When Zara reappeared in the living room, Dean breathed a sigh of relief. "Where'd you go?" He asked bewildered. Zara's face was tearstained and she looked like she had been through Hell. He flushed with rage. Dean was going to kill Cas. At least it looked like she wasn't physically hurt. Dean wondered that he felt such a fierce protectiveness over her but somehow he felt that it was the same way he'd feel if she were his sister. She wasn't blood and it hadn't been more than a few days, but she had joined Dean's little family and he wasn't about to see her get hurt.

Zara flopped to the floor and brought her knees up. She put her forehead to her knees and hid her face. She didn't want to talk to Dean right now. Her body was wracked with sobs, one after the other. It seemed like they would never stop.

Dean's heart ached. He wanted to talk to her, hug her, do SOMETHING to make her know it was going to be alright. He edged closer to her. "Do you- can I-" He started again. "I know you don't do the whole physical touch thing. But I'm here if you need a hug." He crouched down beside her and hesitatingly put a comforting hand on her back- ready at any moment to pull back in case she freaked out and didn't want to be touched, by him especially. He knew their last real conversation had been less than pleasant, with her threatening to break his legs and everything.

Suddenly, Zara tackled Dean in a fierce hug and hid her face in his neck. He hugged her back just as hard. Zara felt him keeping back sobs as much as she was letting them out. She could tell they both needed someone- someone to just understand and be there for the other. They had been through so much in just the last hour alone. His brother was in a similar situation as hers at the moment. "Do you want to talk about it?" Dean mumbled into her neck.

Zara shifted and found that she was on Dean's lap with her head resting on his shoulder and his arms around her, still on the floor. It wasn't romantic, just comforting. She shook her head in answer to his question. They couldn't deal with her problems right now. Sam needed them. "No. Later. We can't do anything right now. Not when everything is going to happen so soon." Dean nodded. They just sat like that in companionable silence for a while until they could hear Bobby rustling around downstairs and they decided to go and check on Sam.

* * *

Bobby had just finished angel proofing the panic room when they walked in. Bobby looked ready to get off of babysitting duty so they sent him upstairs for lunch. Sam was lying on a cot in the middle of the room. It looked like he was just sleeping but Zara knew better. He was living a nightmare inside his head and he was fighting his hardest to get out of this coma in one piece. Dean looked over at Zara and saw her staring at Sam. "Do you know what's happening to him?"

She nodded. She tried to explain how the wall in Sam's head had broken down. In an attempt to save himself from the pain of remembering Hell, his brain put him in a self induced coma. In his mind, he could make the choice to wake up and remember everything or stay asleep and live in the dream world. Dean understood most of it and was beating himself up over the fact that he didn't listen to Zara. Sam would be okay if he hadn't been so stubborn. "Will he come out of it? Will he be okay?"

Zara bit her lip and looked at the ground. "He'll wake up but he won't be okay."

"Not okay? What do you mean not okay?" Dean worriedly asked.

"You remember Hell, Dean. Think of that only ten times worse. Your memories may haunt you, but Lucifer still has a sliver of a connection to Sam. He will talk to him constantly- drive him nearly insane- all while he is only in Sam's head."

"Oh Sammy." Dean whispered sadly.

"If it's any consolation, He deals with it like a champ." She offered- trying to give him a little comfort.

"How were you able to tell me that without coughing?" Dean asked suspiciously.

"It's a long story. Suffice it to say, I can now say what I want as long as I don't get in Crowley's way." Zara scowled- not wanting to think of that conversation.

Dean wasn't so calm about that situation. "You made a deal with Crowley?!"

"Not exactly." Dean didn't seem satisfied. "Listen, we need to deal with one problem at a time. This little situation is not as important as the whole Purgatory thing." Dean looked like he was going to argue further but that's when Bobby walked down the stairs with the snarky annoying double agent himself- Balthazar. Dean gave her a look that said they would talk about her "deal" later.

"Look what the cat dragged in." Bobby said brightly.

Balthazar tried walking into the panic room but was stopped because of the angel proofing. He scowled but then just leaned against the doorframe. "Oh well at least you got the angel proofing right." He motioned with his chin at the sleeping Sam. "How's sleeping beauty? You didn't steal any kisses I trust." He winked at Zara.

"What the hell took you so long?" Dean asked- annoyed that Balthazar hadn't been around to help them with that morning's problems. He had tried calling for him but there had been no answer.

"Honestly? I was having second thoughts."

"About what?" Dean growled.

"About helping you." Balthazar's I-don't-give-a-crap attitude was getting on Zara's nerves. "I was thinking maybe, maybe I should rip out your sticky bits instead."

"And what did you decide?" Bobby asked- ready to fight if necessary.

"Well…" Balthazar motioned Dean over to him since he couldn't go into the room and handed him a piece of paper. He nodded at it "Cas and Crowley are there. That's where the show gets started."

"Alright give us a minute to pack up and zap us there." Dean said as he walked farther into the room and started grabbing some guns.

Balthazar seemed to not like that plan very much. "Oh no no no. I don't think that's a good-"

"Balthazar!" Dean looked pointedly at him.

"I'm betraying a friend here- a very powerful friend- we all are." He rationalized. "So I think I've stuck my neck out far enough already. Good luck."

Balthazar was about to leave when Zara called out to him. "Balthazar, wait. It's important."

He paused- looking over at her. "Anything for you dear."

"Cas is going to find out you helped us. He's going to kill you tonight Balthazar." Zara had gotten his attention now. "Don't go to him. Stay out of sight for the next few months. You don't deserve to die for this."

Balthazar's face softened and he smiled a little. "I'll keep that in consideration." He said quietly. "Thank you Akele." Then there was the noise of angel wings and he left.

"What did he call you?" Bobby asked.

Zara just shook her head. She didn't know. She just hoped against hope that she could change something by being here. She couldn't save Ellie or Sam but maybe she could save the little snarky angel who kept a few too many secrets.

After Balthazar left, Dean turned to Zara and looked at her pointedly. "Now what was all that about a deal with Crowley?"

Bobby's eyes flashed at Zara. "What?"

Zara sighed. "It's not a big deal-"

"It damn well is a big deal sweetheart." Dean looked particularly angry and maybe a bit worried. "We're in this whole mess with Cas because of dealing with Crowley so you better start talking real quick-"

"Crowley has my brother." Zara butted in. Dean and Bobby stopped in their tracks. "My brother made a deal with Crowley and that's how I got here." Dean looked horrified. "Now before you start accusing me, I didn't know anything about it! Promise! My brother has been dead for over three years. This sort of stuff doesn't even exist where I come from. Please you have to believe me." Tears had come to her eyes. She knew the men in front of her would be mortified to find out the reason she was there (Zara was too). She didn't want them to turn on her and cast her out in a place like this.

At the sight of her tears, Dean blinked a few times and Bobby closed his gaping mouth. Those weren't fake tears. They knew how to tell the difference. "What about YOUR deal with Crowley?"

Zara sniffed. "When Cas brought me to Crowley, he told me about my brother. He said he wouldn't do anything about Brennon and so I asked about my spoilers problem. Apparently, he placed a gag of sorts on me so I wouldn't ruin his plans but he was cocky and said he would take my gag off if I didn't interfere with what he was doing. That's as far as my involvement with him goes. I promise. I haven't given him anything but my word."

Dean and Bobby seemed to relax a little after that. As far as dealings with Crowley went, that one was relatively tame and this deal could be useful as long as they weren't dealing with the King of Hell.

"We'll help you with your brother." Dean assured her.

Zara half smiled through her tears. "Thanks I'll keep you to that, but we need to deal with now first. It will be a long night."

* * *

The men nodded and got down to business gathering the weapons and other things they would need for tonight. Zara tried helping at first but found that she just got in the way. She decided to sit down next to Sam instead. Dean and Bobby had a well oiled routine that they didn't even have to talk about to get finished. Soon, they were all geared up and ready to go.

"Times up, Dean." Bobby said sadly. Neither of them wanted to leave Sam in the state that he was but they had to. They decided that Zara would stay with him until he woke up and would try and keep him safe. It shouldn't be too hard of a job since the panic room was warded up to the gills.

"Just a second alright?" Dean leaned over the cot and whispered to his brother- emotion filling his voice. "Sammy, this is where were gonna be. So get your lazy ass out of bed and come meet us." He placed the paper with the address and a gun next to Sam's head and stood up. He looked at Zara and made sure to get eye contact so she knew it was important. "Can I trust you to stay with him?" She nodded. "You won't haul ass as soon as we leave like last time? "

She scoffed. That was under completely different circumstances. Dean stared at her longer. "I promise." She said finally. Dean sighed and he and Bobby left Zara alone to care for the sleeping Sam.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N Hey guys! Hope you enjoy this chapter and it isn't too sappy for you ;) Wana make me happy? Please review! Thanks to CourtneyHorse and Morgan Elizabeth Jacobs for reviewing last chapter. It means a lot.

* * *

_Dean leaned over the cot and whispered to his brother- emotion filling his voice. "Sammy, this is where were gonna be. So get your lazy ass out of bed and come meet us." He placed the paper with the address and a gun next to Sam's head and stood up. He looked at Zara and made sure to get eye contact so she knew it was important. "Can I trust you to stay with him?" She nodded. "You won't haul ass as soon as we leave like last time? "_

_She scoffed. That was under completely different circumstances. Dean stared at her longer. "I promise." She said finally. Dean sighed and he and Bobby left Zara alone to care for the sleeping Sam._

* * *

**Chapter 9**

As soon as Zara saw the older men off, she went back down to the panic room to see Sam practically seizing on the cot. "Sam!" she yelled as she bolted down the last few steps and into the room. She tried to hold him down as well as she could so he wouldn't hurt himself, but she could only do so much against him. He was too big and too strong even in his comatose state. He finally quieted down again and lay as still as he had before but Zara was quite shaken. She had never witnessed something like that in real life before. She then thought about what the seizure meant- that he had reconnected with one of his missing pieces in his mind. He was fighting! He was trying to get back to reality! Now there was just one more piece before he woke up, but it would be the one that would ultimately drive him insane- the Sam who remembered Hell.

She pulled up a chair next to his head and started stroking his hair comfortingly like she remembered doing for her little cousins when they were young. She knew things were going to be hard, so hard, for him. She just wanted to take his pain away. She thought back to when he was younger- when she first started watching the show. Sam was happier then, they all were. She wished things could be like that again. She took out the journal. Maybe he could hear her. Maybe she could remind him of the good things. Maybe it would help him through the pain. She started to talk.

"Remember when, after you left Stanford, you fought that Wendigo? You saved that girl and her brothers using a handmade blowtorch and M&amp;M's. And after that, you fought a ghost in a lake and you saved that boy and his mother from being drowned. Dean had a thing for the mom." Zara smiled. "And then you fought a demon on a plane. Dean was so freaked out and you barely got him on there in the first place and then you saved every single person on the plane including yourselves." She continued recounting all of the adventures Sam and Dean had had in the order she had written them down. She told him of all the funny bits along the way that had made her smile and she told him of how he had saved hundreds of people. She talked long into the day. She didn't know if he was listening but he seemed to be calmer and it was calming her down too. She got all the way to the present and stopped. "And you're saving me- you and your brother." Her voice cracked- filled with emotion. "And I will never be able to thank you enough- just like all the people before me- and I know… I know it's going to be tough getting through this. Remembering will be one of the hardest things you will have to face but I know three more years of your life Sam Winchester. You save hundreds more people. They need you to wake up. Dean needs you to wake up. We'll help you through this. Promise."

She looked down at him and sighed. He didn't move. She thought maybe he would wake up right then but she knew it didn't happen like that in reality. Those things only happen on TV but she hoped it helped him somehow. She stood up and walked to the door to go up and grab some dinner- it was getting late and her stomach was growling. She put her hand on the doorknob. That was when she heard Sam gasp as if he had been under water. She turned around to see that he had grabbed the gun Dean had placed next to him and was pointing it at her with wild eyes. She knew he wasn't fully aware of his surroundings yet and so she just quietly said, "Sam. You're at Bobby's. I'm Zara. Remember me?" Sam blinked and a wave of recognition passed over his face. He looked like normal Sam for a second and then the memories hit him. All the pain and horror of the Pit was running through his head. He let out an unearthly cry and slumped over- his head between his knees. He dropped the gun to the floor.

Zara rushed over and sat on the cot next to him- rubbing circles on his back. His breathing was fast and heavy. Slowly, his breathing returned to normal. Zara couldn't believe how well he was taking it. She knew that, if she were reliving Hell, she'd be unashamedly screaming her head off. Sam straightened and looked at her. His face looked quasi normal but she could tell all the pain he was going through by the look in his eyes. "Thank you." He said with more feeling than she felt necessary for just rubbing his back. "I heard you. You were my light home."

She gave him a little half smile. "Come on. Let's get you cleaned up." She started helping him up.

He started looking around quickly. "Where's Dean?"

Zara sighed. She knew that Sam would want to follow Dean as soon as she told him where he went but she also knew that Sam was in no condition to do so. "He'll be back. Let's get you upstairs and we can see about getting you something to eat." Sam glanced at her- not quite believing her- but he nodded and let her lead him upstairs. He had to lean on her a bit because he was still a bit wobbly and out of it but they got to the kitchen eventually. She made him a peanut butter and banana sandwich and, when he practically inhaled it, she started making him a couple more. By the time he had finished the third sandwich, he looked much more like himself, as long as she didn't look at his eyes. They still held a haunted quality. Zara wondered when exactly Lucifer was going to make an appearance in his head. It definitely hadn't happened yet but it was coming.

"Now tell me where Dean really Zara." He sounded tired but firm.

Zara looked at him askance. "I don't think that's a very good idea. You're in no condition to-"

"I'm fine." He snapped. "He's going after Cas and Crowley isn't he?" She nodded. "Then I'm going too whether you come with me or not."

Zara knew she wasn't going to be able to stop him and Dean would definitely tear her a new one if she let him go alone in his state. She sighed and stood up. "The address is on a paper downstairs. You go get that and I'll go find the keys." Sam smiled- glad she wasn't going to fight him about it. He headed downstairs and she cleared his plate off the table. This was a really bad idea.

* * *

Dean and Bobby finally got to the address that Balthazar had written down. It was a large mansion guarded by several angels. They were about to try to figure out how to go in undetected when they noticed something that felt like an earthquake. Then the sky darkened. Black smoke had covered the moon and was rushing towards the mansion. Something had gone wrong with Cas and Crowley's arrangement and now Crowley was attacking. Dean and Bobby rushed back into the Impala. It was the safest place since it was warded against demons. The demons still managed to flip the car over before going on to the mansion. They could hear the sounds of a battle going on ahead.

"You alright Bobby?" Dean groaned as he eased himself out of the overturned car. "Bobby?" He could hear the older man groan beside him. "We gotta get in there. We gotta stop them." Bobby grunted and crawled out too. They cautiously headed into the mansion- careful to steer clear of the sounds of angels fighting demons. They could hear someone chanting in Latin coming from the basement somewhere. It echoed up into the corridor. They got to a door and could see into some sort of laboratory. Crowley and another figure were standing in front of a wall that had some sort of symbol scrawled all over it. Presumably, this was the portal into Purgatory.

Dean eased open the door and Bobby followed him inside. They were at the top of a metal staircase that went down into the room. Form this vantage point, Dean could see the other figure and realized that this must be Raphael. His last vessel was killed and he was forced to take another one. It looked like Raphael found a woman in a smart business suit this time. Dean had a clear shot so he took out the angel blade and aimed for Raphael's head. The two in front of the wall took no notice of them as far as Dean could tell. Crowley just continued chanting. He let out a breath and threw the blade at him/her. Raphael easily caught it behind his/her head without looking. Crowley stopped chanting for a minute and glanced at them nonchalantly. He had been expecting them. He lifted a hand and turned it sharply. Bobby was thrown down the stairs and Dean was thrown over the railing and onto a table below.

"A bit busy gentlemen." Crowley stated calmly. They just groaned in response. "Be with you in a mo'."

* * *

Zara drove up with Sam to see the Impala flipped over. "Looks like trouble." Zara mumbled. They got out of the car and headed down the hill towards the mansion. There were several figures strewn around the lawn- wing shapes singed into the grass. "You sure you wana do this Sam?"

"I need to be there." Sam grunted. The pain was overwhelming him but he pushed on. He needed to be with his brother. Zara nodded and they cautiously headed inside.

* * *

Crowley continued chanting. When he finished, both Crowley and Raphael looked expectantly at the portal. Nothing happened. "Mmhmm… maybe I said it wrong."

The sound of angel wings filled the room. Cas was here. "You said it perfectly but what you needed was this." Cas' voice was somehow different- calmer, more calculated. He held up an empty jar stained red from the blood that had been stored within. Bobby and Dean stood up and shuffled behind Castiel. Something was off about him.

Crowley glared at Cas. "I see. And what were working with is-" He went over to the wall and wiped a bit of the blood off with his finger. He tasted it and spit it out disgustedly. "-dog blood. Naturally."

"Enough of these games Castiel. Give us the blood." Raphael finally spoke.

Crowley rolled his eyes- clearly annoyed with the angel. "You- games over. His jars empty." He said speaking slowly so as to get it through Raphael's thick skull. "So Castiel, how'd your ritual go? Better than ours I'll bet."

Cas slightly opened his trench coat and a blinding light filled the room blinding everyone. Yes, apparently Cas had done the ritual and was supercharged. "You can't imagine what its like." He said. "They're all inside me. Millions and millions of souls."

"Sounds sexy. Exit stage Crowley." Crowley said before he disappeared. He knew when he was beaten and when to run away.

"Now what's the matter Raphael?" Cas asked condescendingly. "Someone clip your wings?"

Raphael was trying to teleport out as well but Cas wasn't going to let him/her. "Castiel please." He/she pleaded. "You'd let the demon go but not your own brother?"

"The demon I have plans for. You on the other hand?" Castiel snapped his fingers and Raphael exploded into little bits. Dean and Bobby shifted uncomfortably. They didn't quite know how to deal with this version of Cas. "So you see? I saved you." He was still trying to prove to Dean that he did the right thing.

"You sure did Cas." Dean said reassuringly. He was realizing how supercharged Cas was and was trying not to make him angry. "Thank you."

"You doubted me. Fought against me. But I was right all along." Castiel accused.

"Okay Cas you were. We're sorry. Now let's just… diffuse you okay?" Dean made a placating gesture.

"What do you mean?" Cas asked offended.

"You're full of nuke and that's dangerous. So before the eclipse ends, let's get them souls back to where they belong."

"Oh no. They belong with me." Cas was not about to let all that power go. He had much more to do.

"No Cas it's- it's scrambling your brain." Dean reasoned. He was trying to reach the part of his friend who was still Cas.

"Oh but I'm not finished yet. Raphael had many followers and I must punish them all severely." Cas' calm voice was putting Dean over the edge. Didn't he realize how off the reservation he was?

* * *

Sam and Zara snuck down the stairs and behind Castiel. Dean and Cas didn't notice, they were having a heated discussion, but Bobby did. Sam looked at him and got a feel for the situation from just that look. Cas was off the deep end and needed to be stopped. He pulled out his angel blade and looked at Zara to make sure she didn't alert Cas. She just shook her head a bit. He listened to the conversation a little more to see whether stabbing his friend was warranted.

* * *

"Listen to me. Listen. I know there's a lot of bad water under the bridge but we were family once. I'd have died for you. I almost did a few times. So if that means anything to you, please. I've lost Lisa; I've lost Ben; and now I've lost Sam. Don't make me lose you too." Dean pleaded. "You don't need this kind of juice any more Cas. Get rid of it before it destroys us all."

"You're just saying that because I won, because you're afraid. You're not my family Dean. I have no family." That hit Dean the hardest. How could say he wasn't family? After all they had been through.

Suddenly, Sam stabbed Cas in the back with his angel blade. Nothing happened. Cas looked back at Sam and Zara's stunned faces boredly. Sam looked lost- as if he hadn't really meant to do it. He had lost all control after hearing Cas say he wasn't family. The pain was throwing his judgment off. Cas pulled out the blade and placed it on the table beside him. He did everything so nonchalantly as if he hadn't just been, quite literally, stabbed in the back by one of his closest friends. It was as if he already knew this was going to happen.

"I'm glad you made it Sam, Akele, but the angel blade won't work because I'm not an angel anymore. I'm your new god- a better one. So you will bow down and profess your love unto me your lord or I shall destroy you." His stare captivated them and dared any of them to disobey him.

"Well alright then. Is this good or do you want the whole forehead to the carpet thing?" Bobby started bending his knees to bow to Castiel. "Guys." He motioned for the rest of them to follow suit but they hesitated.

"Stop." Castiel sighed. "What's the point if you don't mean it? You fear me. Not love. Not respect. Just fear."

"Cas-" Sam started to try to talk Cas down.

"Sam you have nothing to say to me." Castiel interrupted. "You stabbed me in the back. Get up." He motioned to Bobby and he stood up again.

"Cas come on. This isn't you." Dean pleaded.

"The Castiel you knew is gone."

"So what now?" Dean asked. "Kill us?"

"What a brave little ant you are." Cas smirked. "You know you're powerless. You wouldn't dare move against me again. That would be pointless. So I have no need to kill you. Not now. Besides, once, you were my favorite pets before you turned and bit me."

"Who are you?" Dean whispered. Whoever this was, it was not his friend. This was some monster wearing his friend. It had to be. He couldn't believe that the Cas he knew would be like this.

"I am god and, if you stay in your place, you may remain in my kingdom. If you rise up, I will strike you down." Cas said loftily and then glanced back at Sam who had slumped to the floor hyperventilating somewhere during the conversation. He had cut his hand pretty badly on the smashed glass on the floor and it was bleeding profusely. "Not doing so well are you Sam?"

"I'm fine…. I'm fine," He barely got out. Zara was trying to help him but she couldn't get him to calm down enough to even look at his hand.

"You said you would fix him." Dean's voiced cracked at the sight of his brother. "You promised."

"IF you stood down- which you hardly did." Castiel pointed out matter of factly. "Be thankful for my mercy. I could've cast you back into the pit." The threat was not lost on any of them.

"Cas come on this is nuts. You can turn this around. Please."

"I hope for your sake this is the last time you see me." Cas looked over at Zara and vanished without a sound.

Dean rushed over to his little brother trying his best to calm him down and patch up his hand. "Sammy you okay?" Sam just squeezed his eyes shut and groaned. "Bobby, Zara, come help me." Bobby didn't answer for a second. "Bobby?"

"Dean." Bobby sounded odd. Dean looked up at his stunned expression. "Zara… Zara's gone."

"What?" Dean asked half standing up and started turning around to look for her.

"Cas took her." Bobby sighed. "He looked right at her before he vanished and then, she was just gone. He took her, Dean."

"Son of a Bitch." Dean swore.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N Chapter 10 already?! That's crazy! So I'm realizing that I am now within like 10 pages of what I have written so far... either I need a kick in the pants or I will have to slow down posting a little bit. So... Here's to a kick in the pants! I have a lot planned and now just need motivation to write it. Don't worry. I don't plan on slowing down yet and I have a good feeling about writing a lot tonight. :) Anywho... Reviewing is good motivation for me :) Thank you to Ladysunshine6 and Aparajitha for reviewing last chapter! I hope y'all enjoy this as much as I do!

* * *

_"I hope for your sake this is the last time you see me." Cas looked over at Zara and vanished without a sound._

_Dean rushed over to his little brother trying his best to calm him down and patch up his hand. "Sammy you okay?" Sam just squeezed his eyes shut and groaned. "Bobby, Zara, come help me." Bobby didn't answer for a second. "Bobby?"_

_"Dean." Bobby sounded odd. Dean looked up at his stunned expression. "Zara… Zara's gone."_

_"What?" Dean asked half standing up and started turning around to look for her._

_"Cas took her." Bobby sighed. "He looked right at her before he vanished and then, she was just gone. He took her, Dean."_

_"Son of a Bitch." Dean swore._

* * *

**Chapter 10**

"Cas!" Zara jumped when she realized she wasn't in the laboratory anymore. Now it looked like she was in some sort of log cabin in the mountains. "What are you doing?"

"You possess something that I will require soon." Cas stated simply.

Zara's stomach dropped. Did he want her memories? Zara wasn't about to just tell him but she shuddered to think of what lengths the crazed angel would go to get the information she knew. "No. Cas please." She kicked herself at the twinge of fear she could hear in her voice.

Cas tilted his head in the confused way she had seen him do so many times. It brought tears to her eyes to see the little shred of the old Cas was still there. "Do not be afraid, Akele."

Somehow, saying 'Don't be afraid' didn't seem to help her any. "Why do you call me Akele?"

"Because it is what you are." He stated. His face was back to the same bored expression as if this whole conversation was taking too long for his liking.

"You aren't very informative." Zara crossed her arms and made a face. She was trying her hardest to hide her fear under a mask of annoyance.

"I don't exist to placate your curiosity. There is food in the kitchen. I will be back when I require your assistance. You cannot leave- I have placed a ward around the house."

Zara's eyes widened when she realized he was going to leave her alone in this strange place. "Cas!" He disappeared. She swore. Zara took a closer look at her surroundings. Might as well get acquainted with what looked like was going to be her home for a bit. She was standing in a living room of sorts with a fireplace and a little couch. There was also a little kitchen, bedroom and bathroom in adjoining rooms. It would have been cozy enough in different circumstances. She went back to the living room and opened the front door. She could feel the cold winter air blowing through and the smell of the pine trees. Was Cas lying to her? It seemed like she could leave just fine. The door wasn't even locked. She took a deep breath and stepped out of the door. As soon as her foot hit the ground, she blacked out.

* * *

"Braugh! Come on baby!" Dean was pushing with his feet on the roof of the Impala trying to fix the dent. He put all of his effort and emotion into it. So many things had gone wrong yesterday that it was all he could do to keep it together. His brother was probably going crazy, his best friend was rampaging across the country on a self righteous tirade, said best friend also could possibly explode and doom the world, and his other friend… acquaintance… it was complicated… was kidnapped by the above tirading best friend and he had no idea where to find her. His life was falling apart in every sense of the word and he just couldn't even begin to think about fixing any of it. So he focused on what he COULD do- fix his car and pray to God (The real one. Not Castiel.) that he could find the strength for the rest.

Bobby came up to the car and looked in at Dean. "So are you fixing her or primal screaming?"

Dean hopped out of the car and Bobby offered him a beer. He gratefully took it and leaned against the Impala sipping it slowly. "How's Sam?"

"He's still under, but alive." Bobby sighed.

Dean nodded "Yeah and what about god part deux?"

"I got all kinds of feelers out, but so far… didly." Bobby sounded lost.

"And what exactly are you looking for?"

"Exactly. What? Miracles? Mass visions? Trench coat on a tortilla? I don't know what I'm looking for." Bobby took a long swig of his own beer.

"Well... he'll surface." Dean didn't know what to tell him.

"And what about Zara?" Bobby asked. Dean shook his head. He didn't even know where to start with her. "Are we just going to abandon her?"

"NO!... no." Dean sighed and refused to look Bobby in the eye. Bobby looked at him suspiciously. There was something more to this. "It's just, I'm not sure we should be the ones saving her"

"Why not?"

He struggled to find the right words. "This life… she should get out of it before she gets in too deep. She can still live a normal life. She can still be safe- away from all this." He gestured vaguely with his beer bottle. "If she's with us, she's in danger."

Bobby scoffed. "Her brother sold his soul for her to hop dimensions and she has an ongoing agreement with the King of Hell. I'd say she's already in deep."

"She deserves a normal life- away from the monsters… of this world and her old one."

Bobby agreed but he knew there was more. Dean was hiding something. "Do you have feelings for her?"

"I'm going to ask Balthazar to look for her." Dean avoided the question just like he always did.

Bobby rolled his eyes at Dean. That wasn't obvious at all. "You do that." Bobby started walking away but then paused and turned back around to face Dean. "You just lost Lisa and Ben and I know you're still torn up about it. She doesn't deserve to be your rebound girl." Dean nodded not quite meeting Bobby's eyes again. Bobby muttered something that sounded like, "Idjit" before walking into the garage.

* * *

Dean finally decided to take a break from fixing the Impala and was in the kitchen making a sandwich when Sam walked in blearily. "Hey Dean." He mumbled sleepily.

Dean turned and looked his brother up and down trying to see if there was anything wrong. "Oh you're, uh, walking and talking,"

"Yeah. I, uh, put on my own socks… the whole nine." Sam smiled hesitantly. He was trying to look as healthy as he could so Dean wouldn't worry.

"Well that's, uh, I mean, uh, you sure you're okay?" Dean couldn't quite believe his brother's act.

"Yeah my head hurts a little but basically."

"Seriously?"

"Look man in as surprised as you are but… yeah. I swear."

Dean decided to let it go. He pushed away the memory of Zara telling him Sam was sharing his grapefruit with Lucifer. Sam looked okay and, if he said he was fine, Dean would treat him like he was fine. "Good. No reason to put a gift horse under a microscope."

"Yeah… so what happened with Cas? And where's Zara?" Sam looked around expecting to see her around somewhere.

Dean grimaced. "Why don't you come and help me with the car and I'll fill you in." He headed back out to the Impala mumbling something about calling Balthazar too.

"Okay." Sam got up to follow him but he heard shuffling behind him. He turned to see what it was but he didn't see anything. He mentally shrugged and reminded himself to get to Bobby set out some mousetraps before going out to help his brother.

* * *

Zara woke up on the middle of the floor in the living room of the cabin. Apparently, Cas actually had done something to the house so she couldn't leave. This was the fifth time she had tried leaving- twice through the door and once through each of the windows in the cabin. Every time she set foot on the ground, she blacked out and found herself back in the living room. She had tried looking for a phone or something she could call the Winchesters on but, even if she had found a phone, she didn't know their number. She couldn't think of a way to get out of this. She had no idea how to do smoke signals and she was sure there was nobody close enough to yell to.

Zara pounded the floor in frustration. She was understandably in a particularly bad mood. She cursed the stupid angel and all of his stupid angel friends. Why couldn't they actually do their jobs instead of trying to take over the world just like every other evil thing here? They were supposed to be the good guys! There were so many power hungry angels it was hard to keep count… Lucifer, Michael, Raphael, Zachariah, Uriel… Cas at the moment. Then there were the angels who just followed orders from the above list. And then there were the ones just out for themselves… Gabriel, Bal- Zara stopped her mental rant in its tracks. Balthazar would help her!

Zara smiled, closed her eyes, and spoke into the quietness of the cabin. "Balthazar… If you can hear me, I could really use your help. And if you followed my advice, then you're probably still alive. You owe me one. So…" She trailed off and opened her eyes. She didn't hear the sound of angel wings in the cabin. Maybe it was stupid to ask the angel for help. Maybe he had been killed by Cas after all. She sighed sadly and stood up to check out the food in the kitchen. As she turned, she noticed something outside the window from the corner of her eye. Zara froze and then cautiously turned to meet the blue eyes of the snarky angel through the window. "Balthazar." She breathed.

She rushed over to the door and opened it- not caring about the cold air that was gusting in. She motioned for Balthazar to come in but he just stood where he was and shook his head sadly. "Why don't you come inside?" She asked, puzzled.

"It's warded." Figures. "I can't get in and, if I tried, Cas would probably find out and kill me. Judging from your last warning, Cas is angry enough to do it and you seem to care that I not die." The sarcastically flirtatious sound of his voice was like music to her ears. He strode over to the doorway and snapped up a wine glass for himself lazily.

"Yes well…" She trailed off embarrassed. She HAD thought his death had come too soon and was glad she had been able to warn him. "I can't leave."

Balthazar's face softened. He couldn't believe that his brother had kidnapped her in the first place. He hadn't known until the Winchesters contacted him earlier that day and he had spent the rest of the time between then and now looking for her. It was nearly impossible to sense her with the warding until she had called out to him specifically. He was so relieved to have found her before anything bad happened. "I wish I could help you Akele."

Her heart sunk. He couldn't help her. And there was that name again. "What does that word mean?" She asked exasperatedly.

"In Enochian it means Daughter of Light." Balthazar said casually leaning on the wooden railing leading down form the door.

"Why do angels call me that? I've only met two of you in person but both you and Cas call me that… even though you've never met me." Zara was really confused about that. She hadn't even been in this dimension before about a week ago.

"It is what you are." Balthazar stated matter-of-factly just as Cas had done.

She was getting tired of the angels evading her questions. "Cas said that too! But what am I?"

"I can't tell you." He said patiently sipping his wine. She could tell he wasn't going to budge on the subject at the moment.

"Argh!" She yelled- frustrated. She pinched the bridge of her nose. She was getting a headache. Why couldn't people just shoot straight with her? "Then I'm not human?"

"Yes and no. It's complicated." Zara glared at him. "I would term it as human plus… Human and much, much more."

"Why can't you just tell me? This roundabout talking is driving me insane!"

Balthazar smiled apologetically. "That is a very closely guarded secret among the higher ups of Heaven. Each one of us that even knows of the existence of one such as you has to earn it."

Zara was getting pretty worked up about this. She started pacing in front of the door angrily. It was her own person for goodness sake! WHAT WAS SHE?

Balthazar sighed loudly and cut her off before she could rant at him. He really couldn't tell her just yet. "I must go before Cassie notices I'm here. Is there anything you want me to tell the bothersome brothers?"

Zara stopped in her tracks. All anger was forgotten in the realization that she was going to be left in the quiet cabin again. "You're going to leave me here? Alone?" she asked in a small voice.

He bowed his head apologetically. "I must. I will be back soon, I promise, and hopefully with a plan to get you out."

She nodded. "What if Cas comes back? Will he hurt me?"

Balthazar looked at her darkly. "He wouldn't dare." And then he was gone.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N Hey guys! I really hope you don't crucify me over this chapter. It's shorter but... well you'll see. Thanks to those of you who kicked me in the pants last chapter namely icedragonfirebird, Morgan Elizabeth Jacobs, and Ladyshushine6! I sadly had to postpone a scene I was really excited about but it was what was giving me writers block so it had to happen :( I'm hopefully back on track though! Anywho, as always, reviews make happy writers!

**Trigger Warning: Abuse... Sean is in this chapter so ya know... (The very same Sean who I just recently realized is basically just Sam and Dean's names put together... oops. A+ for originality there.)**

* * *

_Balthazar sighed loudly and cut her off before she could rant at him. He really couldn't tell her just yet. "I must go before Cassie notices I'm here. Is there anything you want me to tell the bothersome brothers?"_

_Zara stopped in her tracks. All anger was forgotten in the realization that she was going to be left in the quiet cabin again. "You're going to leave me here? Alone?" she asked in a small voice._

_He bowed his head apologetically. "I must. I will be back soon, I promise, and hopefully with a plan to get you out."_

_She nodded. "What if Cas comes back? Will he hurt me?"_

_Balthazar looked at her darkly. "He wouldn't dare." And then he was gone._

* * *

**Chapter 11**

"So you're saying you know where she is and you can even talk to her but you can't rescue her?" Dean asked incredulously. His voice echoed around the garage. He was teetering between annoyance and anger with the angel and both emotions boiled down to wanting to punch him in the face.

"Cas has her warded. She can't leave and I can't get in." Balthazar was getting tired of this arrangement. He was really only there for Zara and he didn't want to have to deal with the Winchesters at all. "She's… safe from Cas for now."

Dean threw his hands up in frustration. "Safe? She's is being held captive by an angel who is going insane on super juice. How is she safe?"

"It's complicated Dean." Balthazar sighed.

"Well enlighten me then!" Dean snapped.

Balthazar paused and thought of how to phrase it. "She's… not… entirely human."

Dean's face paled. "WHAT? What is she then?"

Balthazar made a placating gesture. "All you need to know is she is something that Cas wouldn't dare killing. No angel would- no matter how corrupt they were." It was true. Hurting a being like Zara would be treason of the highest order for his kind. Even those who didn't know what she was, knew automatically not to touch her. It was programmed into them.

"But what is she?" Balthazar shook his head. Dean didn't deserve to know what she, herself, didn't know. "Balthazar!"

"Ah ah ah." He tutted. "You enlisted me to find her and make sure she was safe. This has nothing to do with that."

"What does Cas want with her though?" Dean was at a loss for what to do.

"I don't know but I will find out. You need to focus on stopping him from destroying the rest of the world. It will solve both our problems. The wards around the cabin are related directly to him, he is the power source so if he is powerless, I can get her out."

At least he could solve two problems at once if he stopped Cas. "We're working on it." Dean assured him.

"Good." Balthazar nodded at Dean and vanished.

Dean was still mumbling things about stupid angels when Bobby came into the garage with a troubled look on his face. "Hey what's up?" He asked tiredly. Would the hits ever stop coming? He knew that face. "Something wrong with Sam?"

Bobby sighed. "You seen him lately?" Dean nodded. "How is that kid even vertical? I mean Cas broke his damn piñata."

"I know." It was all he really could say.

"I mean I get how he came to help us back at the lab- adrenaline… but now?" Bobby trailed off.

"Well he says he's okay." Dean reasoned.

"But how?" Bobby was looking at all of the tools on the wall as if he could find something there to help his adopted son.

"I don't know. I just pray to God it's true. I mean look at our lives. How many more hits can we take?" Dean was lost. There was nothing they could do. "So if Sam says he's good, good."

"Do you really believe that?" Bobby asked sarcastically.

"Yeah, no. You wana know why?" Dean started ranting. He couldn't help it. "Cause we never catch a break so why would we this time? But just… just this one thing. You know? But I'm not dumb. I'm not gonna get my hopes up just to start kicking the daddy pills again."

Sam walked into the garage and Dean and Bobby quickly changed the subject.

"Oh… how you feeling sport?" Bobby asked awkwardly.

"Great can't complain." Sam shrugged a bit. He seemed fine but Dean could tell by his face that his brother had heard the whole conversation before and his stomach dropped. He wished he could take it back, but it was the truth. They needed a break from all the mayhem and they were not even close to being able to do that.

"So what's the word?" Bobby continued when he realized Sam had brought news.

"Cas." Dean perked up. "He's all over the news today." Sam had brought his laptop and was pulling up news articles. At least he wasn't MIA anymore.

Dean had a sinking suspicion that Cas wasn't on the news for saving kittens though. "What happened?" He started looking through the articles.

"He's gone on some sort of self righteous killing spree. Religious hypocrites, corrupt politicians, motivational speakers…" Bobby trailed off.

Dean was at a loss. Killing spree? Cas? That didn't really sound like him. "Motivational speakers? What does he have against them?"

Bobby sighed. "He's gone off the deep end." That much was obvious.

"What are we supposed to do?" Sam asked.

"He's off the deep end of the deep end and there's no slowing down." Dean seemed defeated looking at murder after murder.

"So what? We try to talk to him again?" Yeah cause that worked out SO well last time.

"Sam-" Dean started.

"Dean, all we can do is try to talk to the guy." Sam reasoned

"Guy?" Dean laughed humorlessly. "He's god and when god gets righteous you get the hell out of the way. Haven't you read the Bible?"

"How else are we going to help Zara?" Bobby asked. "Both of them are our friends! Are we really going to just step back and let them go?"

Dean's expression hardened. "No." He wasn't about to let his friends die. Suddenly, he had a very stupid, very dangerous idea. A grim smile crossed his face. "And now I think I know who we need to talk to."

* * *

Later that night, the boys had everything together to call the King of Hell. Dean lit the ingredients on fire and they all waited in tense silence. The demon soon appeared in the middle of the devils trap they had set for him. He turned around quickly to see who had called him away from his lovely evening torturing souls and drinking scotch. He saw the Winchesters and Bobby and cursed under his breath. "No no no!" He tried to walk away but the trap had him… trapped. "Come on." His voice was dripping with annoyance.

"Don't act so surprised." Bobby said.

"My new boss is going to kill me for even talking to you." Crowley hissed.

"You're lucky were not stabbing you in your skuzzy face you little piece of-" Dean spat at him

Sam interrupted. "Wait, what new boss?"

"Casitel you giraffe." For some reason Crowley's accent made him seem even more sarcastic than others.

"…Is your boss?" Bobby asked.

"He everybody's boss!" Crowley yelled. "What do you think he's gonna do when he finds out we've been conspiring?" Crowley trailed off and looked between the men questioningly. "... you do… wana conspire don't you?"

"No we want you to stand there and look pretty." Bobby smirked sarcastically.

"Listening." Crowley offered cheekily.

"We need a spell to bind death." Dean said.

Crowley choked on his scotch. He knew the Winchesters were stupid but he couldn't believe that they could be THAT idiotic and suicidal. "Bind… enslave death?" He scoffed. "Are you having a laugh?" His face fell when he saw they were serious.

"Lucifer did it." Dean offered.

"That's Lucifer." Crowley said. Lucifer was an angel!

"Tell us the spell." Sam ordered. He gave Crowley his best puppy dog face. It always worked on everyone but Dean and sometimes even that was an exception.

Crowley rolled his eyes. "You really think you can handle that kind of horse power? You're delusional."

"Death is the only player on the board left that has the kind of juice to take Cas." Dean reasoned.

"They'll both mash us like peas. Why should I help on a suicide mission?"

"Look," Bobby said, "You really want Cas running the universe?"

Crowley made a face and poured himself another round. These Winchesters may be imbeciles sometimes, but they were the only shot he had at being free of Cas. He took a long swig of his drink and motioned at the devils trap at his feet. "It'll be at your door by morning. Now let me out." Sam went to break the line of the trap. "Oh and another thing, if Cas wins, I had no part of this." Crowley looked pointedly at Dean before disappearing and leaving the humans to wait out the night.

* * *

Zara had finally passed out from exhaustion on the sofa in the living room around midnight. It was the warmest room with the fireplace roaring a few feet away. That had taken her a while. While she knew HOW to start a fire, she just couldn't DO it. It took her the better part of an hour to get a small flame but then a gust of wind blew down the chimney and it went out again and so she had to start all over. It took so long that, by the time she had a nice blaze, she was too tired to make any dinner. Hence, why she was now fast asleep on the couch.

Cas appeared in the cabin looking worse for wear. His trench coat was splattered with blood and the skin of his vessel was decaying and burning all over from the strain of keeping all of the souls inside of him. He staggered a little as he landed and leaned against the wall. He was losing control of the stronger beings that he was keeping on a leash. They were speaking to him- telling him it wouldn't be long, _wouldn't be long now till they would take over. Yessssss. They would be free soon. It had been so long. Soon they would play… and feast. Your time is almost up Castiel._ He shook his head to try and get them out. It was happening more and more now as his vessel decayed.

Cas looked over at Zara's sleeping form. He could do it. He could use her power to heal himself. It would only buy himself a little more time… but that was something… right? The other thing was the fact that, if he did what he was planning, he would be disowned by the angels forever. There was an "all hands off" order on God's first creation. Back when God was still giving angels the orders he might have been killed for even thinking it… but he was god now… right? It didn't matter if the angels were going to be after him for this. They were going to be after him anyway for everything else. What was one more thing?

Cas stepped toward her and she whimpered in her sleep. Some nightmare had gripped her. Curious, Cas touched her forehead and looked into her dream…

"_STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!" Smacks punctuated each word. Sean was leaning over Zara who was cornered between the counter and the wall in the kitchen of their little house. He was slapping her roughly. She only made little squeaks each time she was smacked. It was no use crying out. No one would hear and he wouldn't stop until he was done._ Cas could tell it was a memory. It was too vivid to be just a nightmare. _"HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?"_

_ "I- I forgot." The poor woman whispered._

_ "BULLSHIT!" He roared. "HOW HARD IS IT TO FORGET TO TAKE A STUPID PILL?" He took a hold of both of her arms and gripped hard enough to leave bruises. "How could you really be idiotic enough to let yourself get pregnant?" His whispering was even scarier than his yelling._

_ Zara was crying now. The sobs wracked her chest convulsively. "Please Sean…"_

_ Her husband started dragging her out to the car. "We are fixing this right now RaRa. There are things that can be done for this. There's a clinic somewhere close"_

_Zara's eyes widened and she struggled in his iron grip. "NO!" She screamed. She didn't want to have an abortion. She didn't want to kill her baby. It was the only good thing that had happened to her in years. "Please Sean. Let me have it. At least let me put it up for adoption. Please. Don't make me kill my baby." Sean slapped her and she saw stars. He threw her in the passenger seat of their little Honda Civic and strode over to the driver's side._

The sorrow she felt even in reliving it overwhelmed Cas. He had had enough of this. It was awful what this poor girl had gone through in such a short life. Cas may not have had many human emotions, but he had enough to be moved to help her. He searched frantically for a happier memory in Zara's mind to replace this horrible nightmare… this horrible... memory. He finally found something that would calm her down. He guided her dream to a happier time- a time of catching lightning bugs with her brother. As the nightmare faded into the dream, Cas heard the last echoing words from inside the car.

_ "I won't..."_

_ "Oh yes you will RaRa, or else I will do it."_

Cas pulled himself out of Zara's head. He couldn't do it. He couldn't hurt her after seeing that. He couldn't put her though even more. Cas materialized a blanket to put over her and slowly backed away. He wasn't desperate enough. The voices whispered into his head. _Not yet, but you will be, Castiel… You will be._


	12. Chapter 12

A/N Hey! Sorry I know I usually post on Wednesdays and Saturdays. That just didn't happen yesterday for reasons. Also I went through and tried to update all the chapters. It's just spelling and formatting so don't worry about missing anything. I just feel better about the quality now. If there are any typos or anything, don't hesitate to tell me cause I don't have a beta. Thanks to reviewers Ladysunshine6, Thegirlwhowaited24601, and randomcupofnoodles. Reviews make happy writers.

* * *

"I won't..."

"Oh yes you will RaRa, or else I will do it."

_Cas pulled himself out of Zara's head. He couldn't do it. He couldn't hurt her after seeing that. He couldn't put her though even more. Cas materialized a blanket to put over her and slowly backed away. He wasn't desperate enough. The voices whispered into his head. _Not yet, but you will be, Castiel… You will be.

* * *

**Chapter 12**

Just as he had promised, there was a package from Crowley on the doorstep in the morning. Bobby opened it and found the ingredients to a spell. They spent the rest of the day tracking down the ingredients- many were rare and expensive. The last one required them to break into a wealthy family's home to get; which they did and now had the home's occupants zip-tied to chairs in the dining room while they set up in the living room. Dean set out a bag of fast food that they had picked up on the way for Death. For some reason, according to Dean, the uber-powerful being had a passion for fried food.

They finally had everything set up and the boys looked over at Bobby expectantly to say the spell. Bobby sighed. "You sure we want to do this? After I say this, there's no going back. We're about to piss off one of the most powerful people in the universe here."

"Bobby," Dean's voice held a warning in it. "Just say the spell or I will."

Bobby would have much rathered that Death be angry at him for initiating the spell than either of his boys. Without another thought, he started chanting. Soon after, there was a faint rumbling. It grew and grew until there was a full on earthquake. Things were falling off the walls and Sam and Dean were having trouble standing upright without holding onto something. Whatever they were doing was working or at least making Death angry. The man and woman zip-tied to the chairs were whimpering in fear behind the group. Suddenly, everything stopped shaking. They looked around expectantly.

"Uhm… Hello?" Dean spoke into the silence. "Death?"

A strange feeling came over all the humans in the room. It felt like a huge weight had been pressed upon them but, at the same time, they were freer than they had ever been. The faint smell of fried chicken and French fries permeated the air. Death was here. He was dressed in a smart suit and wore an annoyed expression on his wizened, wrinkled face. "You're joking." He rolled his eyes in a particularly immature teenager way.

"I'm sorry. This isn't what it seems." Dean offered awkwardly.

"Seems like you bound me." Death held up his hands showing that they were, in fact, bound with golden chains.

"It's for a good reason. Okay just us hear us out…. Uhm fried pickle chip?" Dean offered him the bag of fast food. "Best in the whole state."

"That easy to sooth me you think? This is about Sam's hallucinations I assume." Bobby and Dean looked over at Sam questioningly. Sam studiously refused to look either of them in the eye. The hallucinations had been getting worse but he hadn't wanted to make Dean worry any more than he already was… the cat was out of the bag now.

"What?" Dean started to ask Sam.

"Sorry Sam- one wall per customer. Now unbind me." Death motioned to his cuffs.

"We can't yet." Sam answered.

"This isn't going to end well." Death warned.

Dean just decided to get on with it. "We need you to kill god."

Death squinted at the Winchesters. "Pardon?"

"Kill god." Bobby restated. "You heard right… your… honor."

"What makes you think I can do that?"

"You told me." Dean accused.

"Why should I?" Death challenged.

"Because… we said so and…. were the boss of you." Dean said childishly. "I mean… respectfully." They were all on eggshells. This was not going as planned and they were dealing with Death after all.

"Amazing" The humans spin around to see that Cas had appeared behind them but this hardly looked like Cas anymore. He was almost entirely covered in burns and peeling flesh. His trench coat was splattered with blood and his right eye was twitching slightly. His whole demeanor showed that he had lost it. He was not the Cas they once knew.

"Cas." Sam breathed taking in his appearance. What had happened to him?

"Where's Zara you little-" Dean stormed over in front of the angel.

"I didn't want to kill you but now…" Cas shrugged apologetically as if he couldn't help but annihilate them.

"You can't kill us." Dean smirked.

"You've erased any nostalgia I had for you Dean." Cas raised his hand to snap them out of existence.

"Death is our Bitch." Dean smirked triumphantly. "We aren't gonna die even if god pulls the trigger."

"Annoying little protozoa aren't they?" Death looked over at Cas. "... god? You look awfully like a mutated angel to me. Your vessel is melting. You're going to explode."

"No I'm not." Castiel reasoned. He still had Zara back at the cabin just in case. "When I've finished my work, I'll repair myself."

"You think you can because you think you're simply under the weight of all those souls, yes?" Death nodded at Cas condescendingly. "But that's not the worst problem. There are things much older than souls in Purgatory and you gulped those in too."

"Irrelevant. I control them."

"For the moment."

"Wait uh what older things?" Dean was getting uncomfortable with this while situation. Weren't they supposed to be the ones running this meeting?

"Long before God created the first men and angels, He created the first beasts- the leviathans." Death sounded like he was telling a bedtime story to a child.

"Leviathans?" Sam asked. He remembered Zara had said something about them.

"I personally found then entertaining but He was concerned that they would chomp the entire Petri dish so he locked them away. Why do you think he created purgatory? To keep those clever poisonous things out. Now Castiel has swallowed them. He's the only thin membrane between the Old Ones and your home."

"Enough." Castiel snapped.

"Stupid little soldier you are." Death sneered.

"Why? Because I dared open a door that he shut? Where is he?" Cas turned around as if He would be there. "I did a service taking his place."

Death scoffed. "Service? Settling petty vendettas?"

"No. I'm cleaning up one mess at after another… selflessly."

"Quite the humanitarian." Death said sarcastically.

"And how would you know? What are you really? A fly swatter?" Cas was pushing his boundaries but he couldn't help it. The voices were getting so loud. They were trying to take over and he wasn't thinking straight anymore.

"Destined to swat you I think."

"Unless I take you first." Cas threatened.

"Really bought his own press this one. Please Cas, I know God; and you sir are no God."

Dean had had enough. "Alright put your junk away, both of you. Call them what you want. Just kill them now."

"Alright fine." Death raised his hand.

Cas was faster though. He snapped and Death's chains fell away.

"Thank you." Death nodded appreciatively at him. "Should we kickbox now? I had a tingle I would be reaping someone very soon." He sat down in a plush chair ans started the pickle chips. He looked over at Dean. "Don't worry not you." Cas disappeared quickly while Death was momentarily distracted. "Well… he was in a hurry."

"Um…" Dean began to become even more uncomfortable with the situation; if that was possible. He had enslaved Death, annoyed him to say the least, and now that Death was free, he could kill them with a flick of his finger all while eating the pickles they had so thoughtfully gotten him.

"Shut up Dean. I'm not here to tie your shoes every time you trip. I warned you about those souls… how long ago?" Death looked up at them. "Long enough to stop that fool and here we are again with your little planet on the edge of annihilation."

"Well I'm sorry, alright." Dean sighed. "I've been trying to save this planet. So maybe you should find someone better to tip off." He was so done with this responsibility. Why must they always be the ones saving the world?

"Maybe I should spend my effort on a better planet." Death stood up and started to walk out. "Well it's been amusing."

Sam jumped toward him. "Wait hold on hold on just- can you give us something? You have to care a little bit about what happens to us." He asked hopefully.

"You know, I really don't… but I do find that little angel arrogant." Death conceded.

"Great." Dean smiled. "Let's go with that."

"Your only hope is to get him to return it all to Purgatory… quickly."

"We need a door." Sam had no idea how they were going to magic up another one of those. It had taken so long to find the last one.

"You have everything you need at that lab. Get him to return there and compel him to give it up." Death stressed the word "compel" as if to imply that they should most definitely use force.

"Compel?" Dean wasn't too sure he wanted to do what that required. He was not about to torture again and definitely not Cas.

"Figure it out."

"But that door only opens in the eclipse and that's over." Bobby spoke for the first time since all of this had started.

"I'll make another." Death sighed. It wouldn't be that hard for someone like him. "3:59 Sunday morning just before dawn. Be punctual." They smiled and he held up a finger to shush them. "Don't thank me. Clean up your mess." He started walking away again and spoke over his shoulder. "Try to bind me again and you'll die before you start. Nice pickle chips by the way." And then, Death was gone.

* * *

Zara finally woke up when the cold became too much for her. The fire had gone out sometime during the night and the warmth has slowly seeped out of the cracks in the cabin walls. She had no idea where the blanket had come from but she was grateful for it now because she didn't think there was any more firewood laying around. It wasn't like she could just go out and find some more. She made a mental note to ask Cas for a space heater or something next time he came back… if he came back. Zara hoped she'd be able to get out either way.

Zara was about to call Balthazar to see if he had any news but Cas appeared right in front of her. She jumped back surprised. He looked awful. His face looked like it was melting and he kept twitching as if he was trying to bat away some invisible fly. "Cas?" She asked tentatively.

"The voices. I can't stop the voices." His voice was filled with desperation. He started staggering around the room. "I promised myself last night that I wouldn't, but I have no choice."

Zara started backing away slowly. "What are you talking about Cas? What are you doing?"

He looked straight at her. His eyes were crazed. "I need you. You can stop the voices. You can heal my vessel." He started walking towards her.

Zara's eyes widened. All this time she had thought Cas only needed her for her knowledge of the future or to keep that knowledge away from the Winchesters but now… Apparently Cas needed something else. "No. No. No. You stay away from me Cas." Her back was to the wall now. "Don't touch me… please." She didn't trust him. Whatever he was planning was not going to be good. Cas jerked and black tendrils started spider webbing across the angel's face. "Cas?" What was happening?

"We are not Cas." The being before her started giggling madly. He jerked again. "Please Zara." Cas was fighting to gain control of his own vessel. The leviathans were gaining strength and it wasn't long until he would be entirely overpowered. Jerk. "You seem to have some power. We will take you with us when we overthrow this world." He… they stepped towards her and reached for her. Jerk. "I'm sorry."

As soon as he touched her, a searing pain overtook Zara and she cried out in agony. It felt as if she was being burned from the inside out. A bright light filled the whole cabin. And then, it was gone. Zara slumped to the ground and looked up at Cas fuzzily. "What did you…" His vessel was completely healed. He looked perfectly normal again.

He glanced down at her. "Your assistance was required." His voice was distant and unfeeling again.

Zara could hardly think through the splitting headache that whatever Cas had done gave her. "You won't win." She managed to gasp out. "The leviathans will take over eventually."

Castiel's face had begun to burn and melt again. He was already fighting the voices. They had come back even stronger than before. They already knew his weak points. Zara was right. It was only a matter of time. Her power could only do so much against all the forces of Purgatory. "What should I do?" Zara tried to smile but it turned to a grimace. Everything hurt but it was nice to hear a little of the old Cas was still in there.

"The boys… want to help you, Cas." Zara tried to get up but she couldn't. Her limbs seemed to be weighed down by anvils. This was more than just exhaustion. This was worse somehow. "You are… so much better than this. Just let them help you."

Cas disappeared and Zara felt that she should be hyperventilating but she couldn't. Everything was weighing down on her. What had he done to her? She could hardly move and her head hurt so badly she couldn't think. She tried to crawl over to the window but she just slumped over, her face smashed into the ground. "Bal…" She gasped out. She thought she might have heard the sound of angel wings before she blacked out.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N Hey! Sorry there isn't much Zara in this chapter, though what she is in is important. To those who don't like Balthazar (I haven't seen any who don't so far thank goodness) I'm sorry, but I absolutely love him and he's gonna hang around. Also, since many of you have been asking when Zara and Dean will meet again, that will be next chapter. Your wait it almost over. :) Thanks to Ladysunshine6 and Aparajitha for reviewing!

* * *

_Castiel's face had begun to burn and melt again. He was already fighting the voices. They had come back even stronger than before. They already knew his weak points. Zara was right. It was only a matter of time. Her power could only do so much against all the forces of Purgatory. "What should I do?" Zara tried to smile but it turned to a grimace. Everything hurt but it was nice to hear a little of the old Cas was still in there._

_"The boys… want to help you, Cas." Zara tried to get up but she couldn't. Her limbs seemed to be weighed down by anvils. This was more than just exhaustion. This was worse somehow. "You are… so much better than this. Just let them help you."_

_Cas disappeared and Zara felt that she should be hyperventilating but she couldn't. Everything was weighing down on her. What had he done to her? She could hardly move and her head hurt so badly she couldn't think. She tried to crawl over to the window but she just slumped over, her face smashed into the ground. "Bal…" She gasped out. She thought she might have heard the sound of angel wings before she blacked out._

* * *

**Chapter 13**

"We gotta get on the road. We gotta get Cas to that lab by friggin 3:59 am." Sam was trying his hardest to get Dean to stop drinking and actually DO something about their current situation.

"We don't." Dean looked so defeated.

"What do you mean we don't?"

"I mean we can't bring the horse to water and we can't make the horse drink. Why fool ourselves?" He took a long draw from his whiskey filled coffee cup.

"Dean, I know you think Cas is gone-"

"Cause he is." Dean interrupted.

"He's not. He's in there somewhere, Dean, I know it." Sam was desperate. They had to do something.

"No you don't."

Sam was at a loss. "… No I don't." He admitted. "But look… I was pretty far gone sometimes myself and you never gave up on me." Surely Dean would realize they couldn't just let Cas destroy himself.

Dean turned on Sam accusingly. "Yeah and it turns out that you're about the same open book that you've always been… hallucinations? Really? I gotta find out from Death?"

Sam hung his head a little. "What was I supposed to do?" He asked quietly.

"How about not lie?" Dean threw his free hand in the air. "How about tell me you've got crazy crap crawling up those walls."

"Why? You can't help. You've got a lot of pretty severe crap swinging your way lately and I thought-" Dean swore under his breath. "What? I thought… why burst the one good bubble you had left? It's under control."

"What? What exactly is under control?"

Sam hesitated. "… I know what's real and what isn't."

Dean looked horrified. What was his brother seeing? "Sam-"

"Look… We can deal with this once we get done with Cas."

Dean sighed. It seemed like they were ignoring a lot of important things at the moment: Sam's fruitcake, Zara's captivity, and Zara's brother just to name a few. He knew that Balthazar was keeping an eye on her but he wanted to be able to look for her. That just wasn't possible right now. "Did you see that surveillance footage of Cas in that Senator's campaign office?" Sam nodded. "He friggin smiled. I think reaching Cas is out of the cards."

"Just let me try... one more time." Sam offered. Dean rolled his eyes and Sam took that as a "go ahead." He started to pray. "Hey Castiel, um, maybe this is pointless. Um, I don't know if part of you even cares but, um, I still think you're one of us… deep down and way way way off the reservation. We still have till dawn to stop this. Let us help. Please." To their surprise, Cas appeared across the room from him. He looked even worse than last time, if that was possible. The brothers could hardly believe their eyes, "Cas?"

"Sam. Zara sent me… and I heard your call." He slumped over and Dean lunged to catch him. "I need your help." He mumbled.

* * *

"We need the right blood. It's in a jar in a supply closet." Cas was sitting on the floor of the abandoned lab occasionally mumbling to himself.

"Got it." Sam went out the doorway Cas had indicated in search of the jar of blood.

"Dean." Cas grimaced.

"What you need something else?" He asked.

"No… I feel regret." Cas looked pleadingly at Dean. He longed to see andy hint of forgiveness in his face. There was none. "…about you and what I did to Sam… and Zara."

"Yeah well you should." Dean snapped. His brother was really messed up and there was nothing he could do and what the heck did he DO to Zara?! If Cas was anyone else, he would be dead right now.

"If there was time, if I was strong enough, I'd fix him now. I just wanted to make amends before I died…" Cas twitched again. The voices were so loud he could hardly think.

"Okay." Dean said unfeelingly.

"Is it working?" Castiel asked.

"Does it make you feel better?"

"No." Cas sighed. "You?"

"Not a bit." Dean scowled. Cas' face fell even more. What more could he do? He was most likely about to die and his best friend hated him.

"What did you do to Zara?" Bobby asked gruffly.

* * *

Sam found the jar of blood exactly where Cas had said it was. He picked it up and turned around to take it back to the lab but he almost dropped the jar in surprise. Lucifer, himself, was standing in front of him. Flashbacks from the pit overwhelmed him and he was having a hard time breathing.

"Hi Sam." Lucifer grinned. "Long time no spooning."

"You're- you're not here." Sam shook his head- trying to get the visions out of his head. "You're in Hell."

"Oh that?" Satan was referring to the Hell part. "You're right on."

"Meat hooks? Chains? You? It's not real. It's just my brain leaking memories from the cage cause of the wall breaking down that's all." Sam was trying desperately to keep it together. His visions hadn't been quite so vivid as this one.

"That's a very good little theory, but it's wrong. Sam, this is not you going guano." Lucifer gestured to their surroundings. "Everything else is."

"What?" Sam tried to rationalize everything. Keep it together, Sam. You can do this. You know the devil isn't really here… Second person? Crap. Next thing you know, you're gonna be talking in third. You're going insane, Sam.

"I have to say, I think this is my best torture yet." The devil's face was filled with glee. "Make you believe you're free and then." He jabbed Sam in the ribs and Sam flinched. "Yank the wool off of your eyes." Lucifer walked behind him and whispered in his ear. "You never left Sam. You're still in the cage with me."

* * *

"Akele, what happened?" Balthazar's voice was tinged with worry at seeing Zara passed out on the floor. Her eyes fluttered a little and he breathed. At least she was alive. He stooped down and touched her forehead. It surprised him at how much power it took to heal her and he began to worry again. Her soul had been barely holding on. What had Cas done to her? He had promised Zara that Cas wouldn't hurt her. Balthazar picked Zara up and flew both of them back to Bobby's house. He placed her on the sofa and took a seat off to the side. She should be waking up soon and she'd have questions- questions she deserved to have answered. He sighed. He wasn't sure he wanted to be the one to tell her… But who else would?

Zara jerked awake suddenly. He jumped forward into her view so that she could see that she wasn't alone- that she was in safe hands. She relaxed marginally when she saw that it was Balthazar who was with her and not Castiel. Castiel… What had he done to her? She started tearing up and she covered her face with her hands. "What did he do to me? What is happening? WHAT AM I?" She practically yelled at him.

He sighed. "You're tired, drained, and freezing. You've just been set free from being kidnapped and, if I hadn't come when I did, you probably would be dead. I don't think you're in the best condition to be discussing this."

Zara sobered for a second at the revelation that she had almost died. "You said he wouldn't dare hurt me because of what I am." Her eyes flashed at him. "… but you couldn't have been more wrong. He kidnapped me BECAUSE OF what I am. He hurt me BECAUSE OF what I am. I deserve to know, Balthazar, and you are going to tell me."

She deserves to know... He got up and sat on the coffee table in front of her, knee to knee. "What I am about to tell you is a fiercely guarded secret among my kind."

"You told me."

He tutted at her. "Don't interrupt." She made a face but stayed quiet. "You are familiar with the story of Creation?"

She remembered going to a little Baptist church down the road from her sometimes as a child. She remembered the Bible stories but they had just been stories to her. "The whole God created the world in 7 days thing?" She asked skeptically. "I never really believed it."

Balthazar smirked. Leave it to Zara to be a skeptic about God and the Bible while she was speaking to an Angel of the Lord. "Yes, well, the creating was done in 6 but that isn't the point. Dad did all of that by just speaking things into existence. The first day He spoke light into existence, the second sky, the third earth, and so on. These words were so powerful and created so much that they splintered off into different manifestations of themselves."

"I don't get where you're going with this." She stated impatiently.

"I'm getting to it. Just hush for a minute. Because of this splintering of the words, different things were gifted with its power. It's random and scattered now but there are still remnants of these words floating around."

"That doesn't make any sense. What does this have to do with me?"

Balthazar's patience was waning. "Just listen. You asked me what Akele means and I told you it meant Daughter of Light which is almost exactly what you are."

"But you said I was human. How can I be this 'Daughter of Light' or whatever and be human too?"

Balthazar realized he wasn't going to be able to keep her from interrupting him. Why even bother? "Light has many forms, Akele. You're human but somewhere along the way your soul was imbued with a splinter of the Word of Light. You are in a sense, light in human form."

She sat quiet for a minute trying to process what that meant. She didn't really get it. "How do you know I'm… one of these things?"

"You are a physical manifestation of the Word of God. Angels are specifically attuned to things like that."

"Are there… others like me?"

He chuckled. "Ever heard of Mother Nature? That's not just a myth."

Mother Nature? Really? She rolled her eyes. "Right. And where is she now?"

Balthazar looked away sadly. "Gone."

Zara's mind began spinning even more. Gone… Did someone kill her? Wait… Someone like her was probably pretty rare. That was bad news in this world… very, very bad. She stood up and started pacing. "Well this is fan-freaking-tastic." She mumbled.

"What?"

She started to rant. "So I'm an uber-rare human 'Word of God' whatever. Great. Just great." Her voice was dripping with sarcasm. "Plus I've just gotten thrown into a world where there are monsters everywhere. The big bads of this world are always looking for rare blood and species and crap for spells and I'm guessing Word of God blood is basically an anomaly. The angels, who are basically all corrupted and power hungry or stupid drones for those who are, can inherently sense what I am and will be after me just as much if not more than all the others."

He opened his mouth to argue that last point but then he stopped. Cas had taken advantage of her. What was stopping the others? Some sense of honor that they had lost ages ago? Balthazar had been away from most of the angels for so long that he didn't know how they acted any more.

"No just no." She stopped pacing and heaved a huge sigh. "Balthazar I need to think for a while. You just dropped a bomb on me and I need to process. Just go. Please." He nodded and flew to Bobby's porch to keep watch. He'd give her time. He'd make sure she was safe. It was his duty and he would do his duty even if the other angels wouldn't.

* * *

"Hang in there just a couple of minutes." Bobby reassured Cas who had collapsed on the floor. "Where's Sam? It's go time."

Sam hadn't returned with the jar yet and it was getting dangerously close to the eclipse. Dean left to go look for him. The jar of blood was exactly where Cas had said it was. Sam on the other hand, was nowhere to be found. "Sam?" No answer. "Damn it." He cursed- picking up the jar and heading back to the lab. Normally he would drop everything and look for his brother but they were on a time crunch. If they didn't do this now, Cas could explode and take the whole world with him. Sam was a big boy. He could take care of himself right? He handed the jar to Bobby and they made quick work of drawing the symbol as Cas directed.

Dean helped his friend stand up in front of the portal. Cas was too weak to stand on his own so Dean put his arm around him in support. He might not be on the best of terms with Cas and was justified in his anger but he wasn't about to just let his friend do this alone. Bobby began chanting and the blood on the wall began to glow. Any minute now and the eclipse would be upon them. Cas straightened up and pushed Dean back. He had to do this on his own. He looked back at Dean. "I'm sorry… for everything." He turned back to face the portal and he jerked spasmodically. His back arched and a stream of light went from him into the now open portal. All those souls, all that power, drained from Cas back into Purgatory.

As quickly as it started, it was over. The portal and the light were gone. Cas slumped to the floor. "Cas?" Dean asked.

Bobby knelt down and felt for a pulse- nothing. "He's cold."

"Is he breathing?" Dean asked.

"No."

"Maybe angels don't need to breathe." Dean reasoned hopefully- not able to accept that Cas could be dead. Of course, nothing was ever that easy. Nothing good ever happened in Dean's life.

"He's gone, Dean." Bobby didn't want to give him hope where there wasn't any.

"Damnit Cas." Dean cursed. "You child. Why didn't you listen to me?" Suddenly, Cas' wounds were healed. His face was no longer open and melting and his clothes were once again pristine. "Cas?" Dean's face brightened. Some good things did happen. Cas' eyes shot open and he sat up quickly. "Hey… Hey." Dean helped him up.

Bobby breathed a sigh of relief. "Easy there."

"I'm alive." Cas commented unbelievingly. He seemed perfectly fine- as if nothing had happened.

"Looks like it."

"I'm astonished." Cas tilted his head. "Thank you, both of you." He nodded at Bobby.

"We were mainly just trying to save the world." Bobby shrugged.

"I really overreached."

Dean's eyes flashed at Cas. "You think?" He asked sarcastically.

"Somehow I'll find a way to redeem myself." Cas looked at Dean pleadingly. He didn't want to be on bad terms.

Dean refused to give him the satisfaction. He was still and at him for a lot of things. "We gotta get you cleaned up. Come on." Dean started to leave the room.

"I mean it Dean." Cas' face went from contrite to confused. Something wasn't right.

Dean was facing the door and didn't notice that something was wrong. "Okay. Alright lets go find Sam."

Cas grimanced and doubled over. Something was REALLY wrong. The voices whispered to him. _Did you think it would be that easy to get rid of us? Silly angel. We control you now._ Cas groaned. The leviathans were still there. He couldn't hold them back for much longer. He pushed Dean and Bobby towards the door. "You need to run now! I can't hold them back."

Dean looked back at him bewildered. What could've changed so fast? "Hold who back?"

"They held on inside me. Dean… they're so strong." He looked up at them helplessly.

"Who the hell-" Bobby started.

"Leviathan!" Cas yelled. He jerked around. "I can't fight them! Run!" His head twitched to the side. _Not long now_\- they hissed in his head.

"Go find Sam!" Dean told Bobby. He shuffled out of the room quickly and Dean took a tentative step towards the twitching angel.

Cas gave one last jerk and then stood up straight- a playful grin on his face. "Too late!" He practically sang.

"Cas?" Dean asked.

"Cas is… hmmm." He tilted his head but it wasn't like he usually did. His entire bearing seemed off with that maniacal grin on his face. "He's gone… We run the show now." Cas flicked a finger and Dean was flung across the room. Bobby had just come back into the room and was flung against a wall as well. Black tendrils began creeping along Cas' neck. "Well this is going to be sooo much fun." He let out a little laugh.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N This is short but I feel like this scene needs to be by itself. Thanks to reviewers chinaluv, Carver Edlund (dude GOD reviewed this?), and guest! All of you reviewers are awesome and have a special piece of my heart :) And now for the scene that people have been bugging me for for a while. I hope it lives up to your expectations...

* * *

_"Leviathan!" Cas yelled. He jerked around. "I can't fight them! Run!" His head twitched to the side. Not long now- they hissed in his head._

_"Go find Sam!" Dean told Bobby. He shuffled out of the room quickly and Dean took a tentative step towards the twitching angel._

_Cas gave one last jerk and then stood up straight- a playful grin on his face. "Too late!" He practically sang._

_"Cas?" Dean asked._

_"Cas is… hmmm." He tilted his head but it wasn't like he usually did. His entire bearing seemed off with that maniacal grin on his face. "He's gone… We run the show now." Cas flicked a finger and Dean was flung across the room. Bobby had just come back into the room and was flung against a wall as well. Black tendrils began creeping along Cas' neck. "Well this is going to be sooo much fun." He let out a little laugh._

* * *

**Chapter 14**

Zara woke to the sound of the front door slamming. Somewhere in the front of the house she could hear Dean talking to someone- presumably Sam and Bobby. "You get some rest. I need to stay up for a while." Zara could hear Bobby and Sam head to their respective rooms and quiet down quickly. They must be exhausted.

She padded slowly into the kitchen where she saw Dean downing a shot of whiskey. His back was to her but she could see the tension in his shoulders. He threw the glass down and it shattered in the corner making Zara jump. She probably should have retreated and let Dean cool off by himself but she just couldn't. After all that had happened to her right now, what with being kidnapped and everything else, she needed to talk to someone. She needed Dean. If that was an angry Dean, so be it.

Zara leaned against the door frame. "Tough night?"

Dean rounded on her quickly- aiming a gun at her. He hadn't noticed anyone come up behind him in his distracted state. He lowered the gun as soon as he saw who it was though. Several emotions passed over his face in mere seconds: anger, fear, hurt, loss, then relief, joy… something else? She didn't know. "Zara?" He asked unbelievingly. He rushed over and gave her fierce hug, one for comfort, and two to see if she was actually real. He sighed deeply when he felt that she was, in fact, corporeal. Zara wasn't missing. He could stop worrying that Cas had done something awful to her. "Where did you go? How did you get back? Are you okay? Did he hurt you?" The questions tumbled out- all of his own concerns forgotten for an instant. The role of protector was so ingrained in him that his problems didn't matter in the moment.

Zara instantly relaxed into the hug. She didn't realize exactly how much she needed this until now. "Where does one begin the story of their kidnapping?" She gave a dry laugh and extracted herself from his embrace so that she could talk to him face to face. "Cas took me to a cabin in the woods somewhere. Balthazar got me out." She didn't care to answer the other questions.

"But are you okay?" Dean pressed- sensing that there was more to it than Zara's short, dry description.

She snorted. Other than nearly dying and finding out I'm not human? "Balthazar patched me up fine. I'm good as new now, so don't you worry."

Dean's face darkened. "I'm gonna kill Cas." He paused. He couldn't kill Cas. Cas was already dead.

Zara noticed the change in him. "Do you want to talk about it?" She asked tentatively. She walked over and hopped up onto the counter- looking at him expectantly.

"But you already know what happened." He reasoned.

"Yes. But you can either brood about it here, by yourself, or you can talk it out. I'll listen- no interruptions. It's probably healthier that way." She half joked- thinking about how Dean always kept everything inside. It might help him a lot to have someone to talk to that wasn't Sammy; someone who knew already and was just willing to listen.

"Cas is dead." Dean blurted out brokenly. He looked at her to see if she was surprised for some reason but she wasn't. "He got rid of the souls but the Leviathans stayed and they took over. They killed him. They're out God knows where, doing God knows what, and now we most likely have to stop another world takeover. Why can't any of these mega powerful creatures be on our side for once? Once! That's all I ask." Dean was on a roll now. "And if that wasn't enough, I found Sam in some back room rocking and mumbling something about still being in the cage like he's completely out of his mind!" Zara hopped off the counter and went over to Dean- putting her arms around him in another comforting hug. He put his arms around her waist and buried his face in her hair. "My best friend is dead and my little brother is going insane and I just- I just don't know what to do. I feel so helpless Zara. What do I do?"

Zara rubbed his back. "You fight, Dean Winchester. You fight because that's what you do and I can help you because I happen to know things." Dean leaned back and looked her in the eyes hopefully. She smiled. "For starters, Cas is alive." Dean's eyes widened. "He'll resurface in a month or so and heal Sam." Zara decided to leave out the bad stuff that went along with all that for now. "And we need to stock up on Borax. It's like acid to Leviathans." Dean gaped at her in surprise. "We can fix this, Dean. It _will_ get better."

Zara quickly noticed how close they were- practically nose to nose in their embrace. Her cheeks reddened slightly. Dean graciously made a little cough and let her go. "I- uh… That's great." He let out a long breath. His emotions were still all over the place. Zara had given him a bit of a whiplash in her attempt to calm his fears. He headed over to the fridge and grabbed a few beers. He needed some dulled senses for a while until he could process everything. "I could really go for a couple of drinks right now. Care to join me?" He offered her a beer which she gratefully took.

After all that had happened, she could go for a few hours of carefree drinking too. "Better grab a couple more." She sighed. They plundered Bobby's fridge and set up camp on the couch. Zara was curled up under a large quilt nursing a Budweiser. Dean plopped down next to her and threw his feet onto her lap. He waggled his eyebrows at her cheekily- daring her to push them off. She just rolled her eyes. He had been through a rough day. "At least take your shoes off, Dean. There's still mud and who knows what else all over them." He kicked them off and popped open another can of the good stuff- almost chugging half of it in one go and then letting out an impressive belch.

Zara snorted at his childish antics. She knew he was trying his hardest to make both of them forget the past 48 hours and she appreciated the effort. Usually, watching Supernatural was her escape from reality, but now? This _was_ her reality… "I'm guessing Bobby doesn't get BBC on his TV now doesn't he? I need to start introducing you to quality shows- much better than Dr. Sexy."

Dean had zoned out for a second. "Huh?"

"Never mind." Everything would be reruns for her anyway- being 3 years behind- and that was IF they even showed here. They were silent for a few minutes- doing their best to drink their worries away. It was almost surreal for Zara. Everything had happened so fast. Not three weeks ago, she was patching up her latest scars while listening to Dean on TV and today… today she was sitting on a couch drinking beer with him. Suddenly, she had been thrown into this world of monsters and mayhem and she was somehow part of all of it. In the brief time she had been there, she had been kidnapped once- no twice- and almost killed because she was some human-word hybrid. It was insane! Completely and utterly insane. She hadn't asked for this to happen. She tried as much as she could to put on a brave face but deep down she was absolutely and utterly terrified.

"Zara?" Dean's concerned voice snapped her out of her mini panic attack. At some point, she had leaned over and put her face in her hands- breathing fast and hard. Dean was rubbing circles into her back. She let out a slow breath in an attempt to calm down. "Are you okay?"

"I don't want to talk about it." She snapped at him. He jerked back his hand- afraid of setting her off. She immediately felt bad. He was only trying to help and she was biting his head off. "I- I'm sorry. It's not your fault." She nestled into his side and leaned her head on his chest. He put his arms around her and started stroking her hair with one hand absentmindedly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked- offering to her what she had given not thirty minutes ago.

"Nope." She smirked. Zara knew that she was doing exactly what Dean always did- drink his feelings and ignore the problem- but she seriously COULD NOT deal with this right now. He nodded and kissed the top of her head. He wasn't going to pry if she wasn't ready. He knew exactly what she was feeling even if he didn't know why. Sometimes you just need someone to hold you and so that's what he did. Just as the sun was about to break over the horizon, Zara drifted off. She might have been mistaken, but she thought she heard a little "I missed you, Zara. I'm so glad you're okay." right before she fell asleep in his arms.


	15. Chapter 15

A/N Hey guys! Woo hoo! Chapter 15! This is officially the longest story I have written (I know that's not super impressive but I tend to get bored and abandon projects pretty quickly so this is awesome for me) Thanks to everyone who has been reading so far and especially all my reviewers (on this chapter and all of the past ones). Y'all are all amazing people and I love you dearly. Big special thank you to last chapter's reviewers: Ladysunshine6, Morgan Elizabeth Jacobs, chinaluv, and guest! Also, I have another oneshot posted on my Light Oneshots page requested by the lovely Ladysunshine6 that is also being posted today if you wanted to check it out. I'll post a link to that at the bottom of this chapter. Thank you again to all of you who have been reading and encouraging me along the way. All of you are amazing :)

* * *

_"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked- offering to her what she had given not thirty minutes ago._

_"Nope." She smirked. Zara knew that she was doing exactly what Dean always did- drink his feelings and ignore the problem- but she seriously COULD NOT deal with this right now. He nodded and kissed the top of her head. He wasn't going to pry if she wasn't ready. He knew exactly what she was feeling even if he didn't know why. Sometimes you just need someone to hold you and so that's what he did. Just as the sun was about to break over the horizon, Zara drifted off. She might have been mistaken, but she thought she heard a little "I missed you, Zara. I'm so glad you're okay." right before she fell asleep in his arms._

* * *

**Chapter 15**

Zara woke up the next morning to a pounding hangover. Both she and Dean had passed out on the couch sometime in the early morning but apparently he had still woken up earlier than her. She was now alone on the couch with the blanket draped neatly over her. Blearily, she got up and wandered into the kitchen where Dean was nursing a cup of coffee. He wordlessly handed her a cup and she sank down into a chair at the table.

"How's Sammy doing?" She asked after a few minutes.

"I haven't woken him up yet." He said dryly. "And don't let him hear you say that. He doesn't like it."

She smirked. "That doesn't stop you." They were silent for a while longer. "He's not going to be okay when he wakes up. Lucifer is going to be waltzing around in his head and it's not going to be pretty."

Dean nodded. "I know. But you said that Cas would make him better and you know where to find him. Or… better yet, Balthazar is hanging around somewhere. He could patch Sam up and he'd be fine today."

Zara shook her head. "It's not that easy unfortunately. Sam's healing is somewhat… unconventional." Dean quirked an eyebrow questioningly. "Fine I'm just going to out and say it. Cas is going to come back feeling like he needs to pay for his past wrongs. I know you would probably say at this point that he deserves it but that's beside the point. Cas can't just put a wall up in Sam's mind. He has to take the memories onto himself. Cas is going to go insane and you leave him in a mental hospital with Meg-"

"Meg?!" Dean interrupted. Meg was a demon they messed with years back. He thought they would never see her again.

Zara sighed. "That doesn't matter right now. Focus."

"Like hell Meg coming back doesn't matter. What? Are you crazy?" Dean started pacing around the table.

"Dean!" He stopped. "Just listen. Meg doesn't matter right now. She's not a threat." He started mumbling under his breath something she recognized. "ARE YOU FREAKING TRYING TO EXORCIXE ME RIGHT NOW DEAN WINCHESTER?!" Zara bolted up and stared him in the face. He didn't look sorry. Frankly she wouldn't have been either considering what she was saying but she was fed up with being mistrusted and ignored. The righteous anger was just building up inside of her. All she had been doing since getting here was try to help them and if they could just see... She held out her hand. "Knife."

He looked at her confusedly. "Wha-"

"Knife." She said forcefully. He wouldn't give it to her so she just grabbed it out of his pocket and slid it across her arm in one fluid motion. Blood bubbled up but it didn't burn her. Dean quickly grabbed the knife out of her hand- stunned at her outburst and started looking for something to stop the bleeding. She stared at him defiantly and started chanting in a firm voice. "Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas…" Her gaze challenged him with every word she spoke- daring him to stop her. While she was speaking, she grabbed the salt shaker off of the table and sprinkled some on herself.

Dean sighed. "You can-"

Zara spoke over him. "…omnis incursio infernalis adversarii, omnis legio, omnis congregatio…" Blood was dripping from her arm onto the floor but she didn't care.

"Zara-"

"…et secta diabolica, audi nos."

"Are you done?" Dean asked. He felt bad that he had made her feel the need to do all that just to prove a point. He held out a towel for her to wrap her arm in- she had cut much deeper than she probably should have in her anger. Zara ignored the towel and pushed past him to get to the first aid kit under the sink. As she got the bandages out, Dean stepped forward to help her but she just gave him a look that said "stay away" and held her arm out of his reach. He made a little exasperated grunt before retreating back to the table to clean up the blood from her episode.

By the time she had patched herself up, she had let go of most of her anger. She spoke quietly- meeting his gaze. "I'm not a vampire, a shape shifter, or a werewolf. I'm not a demon. I'm not a ghost or poltergeist. I've just demonstrated all of that to you. I'm not an angel- but you can cut me with the angel blade if you are so inclined. And I'm not a Djinn, witch, or goddess. I honestly don't remember how to test for those but I would if I did. I am not your enemy. I have not, that I can think of, outright lied to you. I have tried to help you as much as I can. So, can you just… for once… trust me?" Sometime during her speech, she had gotten right up in Dean's face. She realized uncomfortably that had been happening a lot lately but she wasn't about to back down; it would show weakness.

Dean smiled a little. "You are a piece of work. You know that?" She scowled at being patronized but he continued- putting his hands on her shoulders and looking into her golden eyes. "I trust you a lot more than you think- a lot more than I probably should in all honesty. But I can't be too careful. I'm a hunter and old habits die hard. I'm not all too crazy about your trust of Meg but… I'm listening."

He motioned for her to continue explaining but she wasn't in the mood anymore. Zara's eyes fell on the completed journal she had left on the kitchen table several days before. She realized that it probably wasn't something she should leave lying around- making a mental note to keep it on her person at all times from now on. She picked it up and turned to the section they were in at the moment and handed it to Dean. "Read the next three pages." She said tiredly. "Don't read any further though."

Dean accepted the journal gratefully- glad he didn't have to deal with making her angry again, which was likely since it seemed her emotions were all over the place. "Why can't I read any more than that?"

Zara's mind flashed back to Bobby's death. They couldn't know, not yet anyway. "Spoilers, Dean Winchester. If you really trust me, don't. Knowing too much of your future will only complicate things." He nodded and started reading while Zara kept a watchful eye.

* * *

"Sammy." Dean was trying to wake Sam up gently but he seemed to be deep in sleep. Suddenly, Sam jerked up. His eyes were wild and haunted for a second before they rested on Dean's face. As soon as he saw his brother, he visibly relaxed. "Sammy. That's 12 hours. I'm calling that rested. Uh, here… hydrate and, uh, protein…-ate." He handed him a bottle of water and a protein bar. Sam took it gratefully and Dean pulled up a chair so that he could examine the cut Sam had gotten at the lab. It was only two nights before, but it seemed like ages had passed since then.

Bobby walked up from behind Zara and handed Dean a bottle of alcohol to clean Sam's hand and then retreated to sit on the desk at a safe distance. It usually wasn't a good idea to get in between the brothers when they were nursing wounds. Sam hissed a little when it was poured on him but Zara could tell he wasn't really focusing on that. He was being distracted by something on the other side of the room. She looked at where he was staring but there was nothing there but an old rickety chair. Then chills went up her back. She knew what he was looking at- his Lucifer hallucinations would be going full force now.

"How are you doing? Are you okay?" Dean had finished with his hand and he leaned back to get a good look over his brother. There were no other physical injuries but that didn't mean there weren't mental ones.

"I'm not okay." Sam looked Dean straight in the face. He was done acting like everything was fine. He needed help and he knew it. Sam got distracted by something behind Dean and Dean had to snap in front of his face to get him to focus again.

"Tell me what's happening. I want to hear it from your mouth, not Zara's." She snorted but kept quiet. She knew Sam wouldn't tell him anything she hadn't already said, but she understood that Dean had to hear Sam say it just to be sure.

"It's not just flashbacks any more."

"More like?" Dean prompted.

"More like… I'm seeing through the cracks."

"What does that mean?"

Sam sighed. "It means I'm having a difficult time figuring out what's real."

Dean's eyes widened. "Hallucinations?"

"For starters… but now it's getting more specific."

Dean's fears and Zara's warnings were both true. "Lucifer."

Sam nodded. "He says that all if this-" He gestured around them. "-is a hallucination- that I'm still in the cage and this is just some new kind of torture. I don't know what around me is the real thing and what isn't anymore."

Dean stood up and started pacing. "What the hell, Sam? How do you argue with that?"

Sam looked up at him dejectedly. "You don't."

Bobby piped up. "Why would the devil holo-deck you a whole new life when he could just kick you around the cage?"

"He says-" Sam looked at thin air and acted like he was quoting someone. "-because you can't torture someone that has nothing left to take away."

"Okay but this Malibu dream house he creates for you is this post-apocalyptic mess?" Dean looked around incredulously.

"It had to be a mess- or else he wouldn't believe it was his life." Zara quoted what she remembered Lucifer saying just then. She couldn't help herself. Sam looked between her and what he thought was Lucifer wide eyed and nodded. She had quoted him word for word.

Dean finally noticed that Sam seemed to be having a conversation aside from this one and he did a double take when he realized he really was looking at thin air. "Wait are you seeing him right now?" Sam nodded- the sad puppy look making him seem sadder than ever. "You know that he's not real- right?"

Sam sighed. "He says the same thing about you."

* * *

"Do you need anything?" Zara offered Sam a peanut butter and banana sandwich. She knew PB&amp;B was his favorite, which made it more concerning when he just shook his head dejectedly. Dean and Bobby were trying their best to research something to help Sam deal with things- psychology, lore, spells, anything really. Sam was just sitting on the couch staring into space. She sat next to him and turned his head so he would look at her. "Hey… Sam." He twitched as Lucifer presumably shouted in his ear. "You need to eat."

He took the sandwich and started to eat mechanically. He relaxed marginally as he started into the second half. The sandwich really was good. "Thanks."

Zara's heart broke. He was going through so much right now. The least she could do was be there for him. "Do you want to talk about it? Cause I've actually seen what you're going through."

Sam shook his head. "It wouldn't make much difference. He's not going to stop." His eyes kept shifting to the space next to her.

"When we find Cas, he'll heal you." She reassured him.

"But at what cost? He wasn't able to heal me before, so what is he going to do now that will make it better?"

Zara bit her lip. "He…" She trailed off.

"Tell me Zara. I need to know."

She closed her eyes and spoke quietly. "He goes insane."

Sam leaned back- conflicted. "I'm not sure I want to do that to Cas."

Zara squeezed his shoulder. Even after all Cas had done to him, he still didn't want to hurt him. "We'll cross that bridge when we get there I guess."

* * *

I guess this is a bit of a filler chapter but I had a lot of fun with the fight :) Anywho... The link to my Light Oneshots page is here: s/10678988/1/Light-Oneshots If any of you wanted to submit a oneshot, I would love to write it! (No smut. Just PM me. Bla bla bla... the usual.) I always send a preview to the requester before I post it if you like reading stuff before anyone else. :)


	16. Chapter 16

A/N Hope y'all like Balthazar is all I'm saying. Thanks to reviewers randomcupofnoodles and Amanda35125 for reviewing last chapter.

* * *

_"When we find Cas, he'll heal you." She reassured him._

_"But at what cost? He wasn't able to heal me before, so what is he going to do now that will make it better?"_

_Zara bit her lip. "He…" She trailed off._

_"Tell me Zara. I need to know."_

_She closed her eyes and spoke quietly. "He goes insane."_

_Sam leaned back- conflicted. "I'm not sure I want to do that to Cas."_

_Zara squeezed his shoulder. Even after all Cas had done to him, he still didn't want to hurt him. "We'll cross that bridge when we get there I guess."_

* * *

**Chapter 16**

Zara sat down with Dean and Bobby at the kitchen table. Sam was in the living room field stripping his guns. They were all glancing at him uneasily.

"Again why aren't we asking Balthazar to help Sam?" Dean asked Zara.

She was about to answer but she was interrupted by the sound of angel wings right behind her. "-Because curing him would mean I get stuck in a mental ward, which I'm not too inclined to do." Balthazar put a hand on Zara's shoulder. "I trust you are feeling much better now, love?" She smiled up at him and nodded.

"You self-serving bastard!" He was angry that the angel wouldn't help Sam but he was also uncomfortable with Balthazar touching her. "What about Cas? He doesn't deserve that either!" Dean spat at him.

Balthazar pretended to be offended. "I'm not entirely self- serving… some of the time. In fact, I happen to have just recently acquired a new assignment."

"Which is…" Bobby prompted.

"I've been reinstated as a guardian angel." He tapped Zara on the head indicating her and her eyes went wide. The three humans gaped at him unbelievingly. Balthazar was a guardian angel? Guardian angels existed? Balthazar shifted uncomfortably in the awkward silence. "So…" He gave a little cough. "I need to put my charge's needs before Sam's. It wouldn't do Zara any good if I have to protect her from a psych ward now would it?" He smirked again and nudged Zara.

"You're- You're a guardian angel?" Zara couldn't quite get her head around that. "You're MY guardian angel?"

He gave a little bow and a flourish. "At your service."

That seemed to Dean's face was beet red now. "Who did you get that order from? What makes them think we can't protect her?" Those dick angels had no business meddling with her.

Balthazar scoffed. "Guardian angels haven't been around for nearly thirty years. We don't get orders anymore. Hence, why I've been doing whatever I want for that long. But Zara happens to be a very important person and she already got kidnapped twice under your care in that many weeks. I decided I should probably retake my duties in this special case."

"No offence, Zara, but why is she so special?" Bobby asked. "And why don't Sam and Dean have one? I mean, with everything they've done in the past few years you would think-"

"Zara just is. And they did have a guardian. All high priority souls do." Balthazar gave him a pained expression. "The Winchester's guardian angel died, unfortunately. Our order was hunted down and killed after God left Michael and Raphael in charge. They didn't want us to get in the way of their plans. She was the first of many to fall. I'm sorry, Dean. Ari'el was my... friend." Dean looked stricken. He had an angel? What might have happened if his angel hadn't died? Would his mother be still alive? –His father?

"How did you escape?" Zara asked.

"I was… far away at the time. I wasn't able to return until long after everything had happened." Balthazar looked somber. It was a touchy subject for him. All of the siblings who were closest to him had died in the carnage. He was alone. "So I laid low -kept out of trouble." He continued- trying to push away those disturbingly human emotions.

Bobby's phone started ringing and he excused himself from the table.

* * *

Everyone else was talking at the table but Sam couldn't join them. He couldn't bear all the sad looks. He couldn't take the compassion when it could just be some new torture from Lucifer. He was with him even now- leaning on the table admiring Sam's work on the guns. Every so often he would make a little comment on something, a little smudge, a particularly shiny gun, - anything to give Sam a little reminder that he was still there. Every time Sam would begin to feel normal again- that maybe Lucifer was just a dream that would pass, the devil would poke him. Sam always jumped. It felt so real, it couldn't be a hallucination. That was how it was in his head now. The same cycle of hope and then despair and he was just sinking deeper and deeper.

He couldn't take it anymore. He just needed a walk. Maybe the fresh air would help. "Don't forget to take a gun, Sammy." Lucifer handed him a handgun. Yeah. A gun. Don't go anywhere without a gun. Sam didn't know when he had started following the devil's suggestions but he was sounding more and more rational. Why wouldn't he take a gun to walk around the property…

* * *

Something was bothering Dean though."You said yourself you don't get orders anymore. So you just decided you were going to be Zara's own personal stalker? -Without even asking her? You sicko." Dean had stood up and gotten Balthazar's face.

The guardian angel looked offended and slightly angry and the ungratefulness of the puny human before him. He was, after all, offering to watch over of someone Dean cared about. "I came here to ask Zara about what she thought of the arrangement. This isn't your choice, Dean. It's her's." They were staring daggers at each other now and Zara decided to butt in before the testosterone in the room overwhelmed them and started a fight.

She stood up from the table and pushed between them. "Alright boys, zip your pants up and cut the macho crap." She gave Dean an odd look. Yeah, she knew that Dean felt the responsibility to protect her for some reason ever since she had blundered into his life (she didn't have the time to dwell on why at the moment), but he just wasn't being rational. She turned to the angel. "Balthazar, can we talk about this in private?"

"Sure-"

"No." Dean growled.

Zara rounded on him. "You have no right to tell me what to do Dean!" He looked hurt but she didn't care. He was being ridiculous. It wasn't like he could protect her all the time with what he did. Why was he so against having another angel on their side? –one that wasn't a complete dick even and hadn't almost ended the world on multiple occasions like SOME angels. "This place is friggin' dangerous and I happen to think that a little extra protection isn't a terrible idea. So I'm going to act like a responsible adult and talk to Balthazar about this because he happens to be one of the angels on the very short list of people I trust in this world."

Dean slowly unclenched his jaw. He wasn't about to tell her that he didn't want anyone else protecting her just because he wanted to do it. He didn't want to tell her why… He just didn't want to admit that he wasn't enough. "You hurt her and I'll kill you." He handed Zara his angel blade. "Or she will."

Balthazar rolled his eyes. "Always so dramatic, Dean. Not three days ago you were begging me to find her."

Zara sheathed the blade through a belt loop. "Thanks Dean." She gave him a kiss on the cheek gaining a mildly surprised look from Dean. "I'll be back soon. I promise."

Dean just nodded dazedly and watched as Balthazar touched her shoulder and they vanished. Sometime during their conversation, Bobby had left. There was a note on the fridge that read: "Got a call from Jody just like Zara said. Don't worry; I'm stocked up on Borax. Make sure Sam doesn't fly the cuckoo's nest. I'll call if I need backup. -Bobby." Dean cursed. They weren't planning on Bobby going in alone. They had to go help him. He went into the living room to grab Sam and his heart stopped. Sam wasn't there.

* * *

Zara and Balthazar teleported outside a little coffee shop called Kaffeine. They were in a big city somewhere. A large, red double-decker bus rumbled down the rain-slicked street behind them. Ah. London. Zara smiled. She had always wanted to go to London. "This wasn't what I was expecting."

Balthazar ushered her into the little shop. "Where were you expecting me to take you? A dark dungeon or an abandoned warehouse? I happen to have much more refined tastes than many of my kind. We-" He grimaced. "_I_ know more about the wants of humanity than the rest of the angels. It comes with the job."

She glanced at him appreciatively. Truthfully, she kinda _had_ expected something like that. "This is really nice. Thanks Balthazar. I needed something normal."

They got some drinks and scones and sat down at the window seats so they could look out at the busy city street. "So… guardian angel…" Zara started awkwardly. "I honestly never took you for the guardian type."

Balthazar coughed. "Yes, well." He shrugged. "I never was very good at it."

"Then why do you want to be mine?"

"I owe you my life." He said bluntly. "It may not seem like it, but I do have a sense of honor about things like that. Also, being the last of something does give you a sense of nostalgia."

"Like the Doctor…" Gosh, why did she say that? Zara groaned internally. Being in England of all places was bringing out her inner fangirl.

Balthazar just chuckled. "Doctor Who? I see you do have a good taste in television. But no. I'm not a super hero. I do not save worlds. And I'm not looking for a companion."

"What are you looking for then? What are you getting out of this?"

Balthazar sighed. "Redemption? Purpose? I don't know." He shrugged. "All I know is, all of my garrison is dead and I should be dead too. Twice now, in fact. I'm doing this in honor of my friends and because you saved my life."

She didn't know how to answer that but she thought she understood. "How's this going to work Balthazar? Are you going to just follow me around all the time? Cause I'm not okay with that."

He choked on his coffee. "No! No, goodness no." She relaxed a little. That was a relief. "I'm not some pervert. I'll just keep my ears on. I won't get involved in your business unless you call for me or you're in major danger. Being your guardian angel just means I will always come when you call no matter what I'm doing in the moment. I'll check in on you from time to time, make sure you're not getting into too much trouble. I'll be your angelic big brother if you will. I don't plan on getting in between you and Dean like he seems to think."

Zara looked at him confusedly. "There is nothing between me and Dean."

"Right…" Balthazar gave her a look. Could she really be so blind? He studied her for a second. Maybe she could. It was understandable, all things considered, that she wouldn't be thinking romantically lately. "This decision is entirely up to you, Zara. I am merely offering my services- protection. Also, I can offer more insight into what you are if you so desire. Does that sound acceptable to you?"

Zara nodded. "That doesn't sound so bad… So that's it? I just have a guardian angel now? There's no pagan ritual or something?"

He rolled his eyes. "No. No rituals. This isn't some sacrilegious rite- just an agreement. But we should think about getting you some anti possession and detection sigils. Best not do that here though." Zara smiled. She had been wanting to get some more tattoos but Sean didn't like them. She was lucky he didn't make her get rid of the ones she already had. She was silent for a bit. "So was that a yes?" He looked at her uncertainly.

Zara tried to think of all the pros and cons of this situation. Honestly, the pros majorly outweighed the cons considering where she was and what she was. "Yeah. It's a deal."

Balthazar smiled. "Good." He was about to say something else but he got distracted.

"What is it?" She asked.

"We should probably go. Dean's calling… loudly." He squinted as if he had a headache. "Fine. Fine. We're coming." He muttered. He held out his hand to Zara and she took it before they disappeared.


	17. Chapter 17

A/N Hey guys! So I was wondering if it would be better for y'all if I put the previous chapter summaries before the next chapters. I know when I'm reading multiple stories at a time that helps me to get a refresher but it takes more time and I won't do it if y'all don't think we need it. Just pm me your thoughts... Hoped you liked the new development with Balthazar! More to come with him later. Thanks to chinaluv, ladysunshine6, mamasam, and MaddieLB for reviewing last chapter!

* * *

_Zara tried to think of all the pros and cons of this situation. Honestly, the pros majorly outweighed the cons considering where she was and what she was. "Yeah. It's a deal."_

_Balthazar smiled. "Good." He was about to say something else but he got distracted._

_"What is it?" She asked._

_"We should probably go. Dean's calling… loudly." He squinted as if he had a headache. "Fine. Fine. We're coming." He muttered. He held out his hand to Zara and she took it before they disappeared._

* * *

**Chapter 17**

Dean was in the Impala racing around the town trying to find Sam. Zara had said that Sam might try and run off but they thought that they could make him stay. She didn't even tell him where Sam would be since they thought they could handle it. Then everything happened with Balthazar and they both forgot just in time for Sam to escape. He cursed Balthazar for everything even though it wasn't really his fault. It felt nice to blame somebody and he wasn't on Dean's good side what with the whole, "I'm Zara's guardian because you aren't enough" thing.

"Damn it, Balthazar! Get your feathery ass back here now! Both you and Zara need to be in this car by the time I-" The sound of an angelic entrance sounded behind him.

"Calm down, Dean. We were hardly gone long enough to do anything but snog in the bushes." Balthazar said cheekily.

Dean cast an anxious glance at the review mirror to make sure they were both there. Zara was sitting right next to Balthazar and, when she heard the comment, she punched him in the arm playfully. He winced just to humor her and let out a little laugh. Dean raised an eyebrow in question when he caught her eye as if to say, "He's lying right?" She just rolled her eyes. (Yeah he's lying. Stop being so protective. I can take care of myself.) He tilted his head toward Balthazar. (Did you say yes?) She nodded. (Yes I did. Deal with it.) Dean sighed. He knew she would say yes. He wasn't exactly happy about it but he couldn't really do anything about it right now.

"Why are we here, Dean?" Balthazar said while rolling his eyes at the two humans' "silent" conversation.

Dean's eyes snapped back to the road- back on the track of saving Sammy. "Sam got away."

"Crap." Zara winced. She was hoping that this could have been avoided. "He's in an abandoned warehouse. I don't know where. I'm sorry."

Suddenly, the Impala was transported outside a warehouse just outside of town. Dean cursed and looked back at the angel. Why was he messing in everything? Even the car, man? Really? Balthazar blinked a few times and smirked. "He's here. Or at least, I can feel something that seems a bit like Lucifer in there. You humans are really just too slow."

Dean relaxed a bit. "Uh… thanks." Maybe Balthazar wasn't a complete dick… not completely. "We still left Bobby alone to deal with the Leviathan problem at the hospital. I can't do both. Balthazar, would you be able to…"

"I'm not your errand boy, Dean." Balthazar commented dryly.

Zara flicked him. "Of course, we'll go help Bobby. You just worry about Sam."

"No, Zara. I don't want you anywhere near those things. We have no idea what they're capable of." Dean reasoned.

"You're being ridiculous!" Zara yelled- her voice filling the car. "If anyone knows what the Leviathans are capable of, it's me! Of course I'm going!"

"I agree with Dean." Balthazar raised his hand to touch her forehead and send her back to Bobby's.

"No. No. NO. NO. NO! NO-" Zara was struggling to get away from him but he was too fast. She disappeared.

"She's asleep at Bobby's house. She won't be hotwiring any cars for an hour at least."

Dean nodded at him appreciatively. "Thank you, Balthazar. At least we agree on one thing- her safety."

"She _can_ handle herself, Dean. I will let her fight in the future. She's a capable fighter and you should keep that in mind."

Dean didn't want to think about her fighting right now. He couldn't imagine how worried about her he'd be if she went on a hunt with them. He also knew that they had other things to worry about right now- Sam and Bobby. "Are you going to go help Bobby?" Balthazar gave him a quick nod before disappearing and leaving Dean alone in the car. He took a deep breath and got out of the car- making his way closer to the warehouse and his unhinged little brother.

* * *

Balthazar thought that he was sending Zara to the one safe place they had at the moment. He couldn't have been more wrong. By the time the angel induced sleep had begun to wear off, the house was caught up in flames. Zara woke up breathing in smoke. Tongues of flame were licking across the ceiling and the far end of the room was already starting to catch fire. She bolted upright and immediately started coughing. She was practically inhaling pure smoke.

Zara stumbled into the kitchen where the fire hadn't gotten quite yet. She saw the journal on the table and quickly grabbed it when she snapped out of the haze in her brain. She had forgotten about the house fire at Bobby's. She should have remembered the house fire. Her mind was still a little foggy and the smoke wasn't helping much but she managed to get to the door and onto the porch before she paused. Why was it happening again? Oh… Leviathans. She realized that she would have to be able to defend herself from the monster outside and so she turned back. Even little kids are taught not to go back into a burning house for belongings but she needed a knife.

Zara took a deep breath and put her shirt over her face so she could breathe better before dashing back into the kitchen. The smoke in there was so bad now that she could hardly see. It was getting into her eyes and nose even through the shirt. She felt as if her lungs were going to explode. Zara stumbled over to the counter where she knew the kitchen knives would be and grabbed the biggest one. She noticed that Bobby had left a bottle of Borax on the counter as well so she grabbed that before rushing back out of the house.

Zara probably should have run as far away as she could as fast as she could but it was all she could do to just collapse on the porch. Her lungs and eyes were burning painfully. The leviathan… it was still out there. She had to get to him before he got to her. Zara got onto her hands and knees and took a deep breath before pushing herself up to lean against the house. A crash inside startled her into motion- the house was falling apart and there was no saving it now. She lurched forward and somehow made it to the car garage that was nearby. It, thankfully, wasn't on fire.

Zara looked back sadly at Bobby's house. How could she have been so stupid? How could she have forgotten something so important? After everything else that had gone wrong, couldn't she have stopped at least one thing? Zara really had forgotten about Bobby's house and now it was her fault that they were all homeless. Bobby was going to kill her and she deserved it too.

She was about to scream out in frustration when something in the corner of her eye caught her attention. There was a figure with its back to her sitting on a car and staring intently at the road coming towards the house. The flames cast an eerie glow on his back. It was the leviathan. What was his name? Ethan? Edgar? It didn't matter. Zara knew she had to get to him while he wasn't paying attention. He was expecting the Winchesters. He wasn't expecting an attack from behind.

She edged closer to him- trying her best not to crunch the gravel underneath her feet. It was an agonizingly long time before she got behind the car he was sitting on. She prepared to squirt the Borax on him. "You stupid humans think you're so sneaky. All of you are, in fact, so noisy it would be disgraceful to ever be caught off guard." Edgar's low voice made Zara jump. He looked back at her and smirked before slipping off the car and swaggering towards her cockily.

Zara stood her ground. Her instincts were screaming at her to get the hell out of there as fast as she could but she refused to listen to her instincts. This guy just burnt down the home of the people she held most dear -he had burnt down _her_ home. She knew she hadn't been with the Winchesters for very long but she considered them family. She wasn't about to turn and run. She wasn't that kind of girl- not then and not now. Anger bubbled up from deep inside her. All the past times that she was unable to defend herself when Sean had beaten her flashed in front of her. That man knew that she loved him and would never lift a finger to him even if he was threatening her life. That man beat, belittled, and mocked her. That man made her give up her baby. That man was a monster. This man was a monster too and he deserved to die.

The easy shift in her brain to killer should have frightened her but she didn't even think about it. She just accepted this new, other side of herself as if it had always been there. Maybe it always had. Something just clicked inside of her and she had this intense feeling of rage and calmness at the same time. She was going to kill him.

Edgar paused when he realized she didn't seem very frightened, quite the opposite in fact. "You think you can take me?" He asked incredulously. His face began to morph. His mouth became opened wider than humanly possible and long, sharp teeth protruded from beneath his grayish lips. Before he could get any closer, she squirted the soapy liquid all over the monster. He howled in pain- his skin burning and bubbling everywhere the liquid touched. Zara started to swing the kitchen knife to cut his head off but he deflected it just in time and knocked it out of her hand. The knife went under a car. The monster threw her to the ground as well- the gravel scratching up her face and hands. Zara cursed and lurched to the ground towards the knife. Edgar grabbed her by the foot and started dragging her towards him- his body was still dripping goo and smoking from the Borax.

Zara truly thought she was going to die in that moment- alone, weaponless, and out of options. But in that one moment, she noticed something had fallen out of her pants pocket- Dean's angel blade. She silently thanked him for his protectiveness as she grabbed it and kicked her foot out of the leviathan's grasp. Zara didn't really know what happened after that. It was like the rage that had been building since the start of this just took over and the next think she knew, Edgar's head was on the ground several feet from his body. Black goo was splattered all over Zara's face and clothes. She just stood there and stared at the body with a morbid fascination as headlights came up the drive.

* * *

Dean was walking through the abandoned warehouse that Balthazar said Sam was in. He could hear a voice echoing through the corridors. It sounded like Sam but he didn't hear anyone reply. He followed the voice to a door that was left slightly ajar. He could see his brother standing in the middle of the room speaking to air. Dean decided it was safe to go in. "Sam? Sam? What are you doing?" Sam whirled around to look at him and pointed a gun straight at his chest. Dean hadn't even seen that he had a gun with him. He threw up his hands. "Whoa! Whoa!"

Sam's eyes were wide, crazed, and afraid. Dean wasn't used to his brother being afraid of him. "I thought I was with you, Dean."

Thought he was with him? What in the world? "Okay… well here I am." It was all Dean could offer. He didn't know how to make his brother believe he was real after all that Lucifer had done to him.

Sam's hand that was holding the gun was shaking. "No I don't- I can know that for sure. Do you understand me?"

Sam's hallucinations were going strong now. Dean was going to have a hard time convincing him of anything right now. "Then let's start small…"

"I don't remember driving here." Sam started but he got distracted by something next to him. Dean could only guess it's Lucifer. He tried to get his brother's attention again but suddenly Sam turned and shot at nothing in particular.

"Whoa! Whoa! Sam!" Sam swung the gun back in his direction and Dean backed off a little. "This discussion does not require a weapons discharge." Sam's face was filled with confusion, fear, and indecision. His hand was shaking even more and Dean was afraid that he would shoot him accidentally in his distress. Something must have gotten to him though because his expression changed ever so slightly and he lowered the gun. Dean stepped towards him- relieved that he could see at least part of his brother come back to him. "Look at me. Come on you don't know what's real? Man, I've been to Hell. I know a thing or two about torture. I know enough to know that it feels different than the pain of this regular… stupid… crappy… this." Dean gestured around himself vaguely.

"No. No. How can you know that for sure?" Sam was trying his best to make sense of it all.

Dean held out his had to his brother. "Let me see your hand." Sam held out his good hand. "No, no your other hand- the gimpy one." Sam offered his injured hand and Dean held it up so that Sam could look at it. "This is real. Not a year ago, not in Hell. Now. I was with you when you got it. I sewed it up. Look." He pressed his thumb into the cut and Sam winced at the pain that the pressure caused. "This is different, right? Different than the crap tearing up your walnut?" Dean looked him in the eye. "I'm different, right?" Dean let go and Sam immediately started rubbing his bandage.

"Yeah… I think so." Sam looked over at nothing again- sliding back into confusion and fear.

Dean knew he'd have to jump in or else he'd lose him again. "Sam… Sam?" Sam was pressing harder at the bandage- trying to remind himself that the pain was real. "Hey, I am your flesh and blood brother. I am the only one who can kick your ass in real time. We got you out." Sam's gaze was focused on something right beside Dean and he was pressing so hard on his wound now that he was bleeding again but he slowly began to focus back on Dean. "Believe in that- believe me, okay? You gotta make it stone number one and build on it you understand?"

Sam nodded and closed his eyes. His face slowly relaxed back to normal and Dean could tell that he was getting it back together again. "Yeah… yeah, okay."

* * *

The ride back to Bobby's house was quiet. Dean knew Sam had to work through some things and he was going to let him do it in silence. He desperately wanted his brother back but it would take time. He knew that. Sam, on the other hand, felt better than he had in days. His mind was clear of hallucinations and he really felt like he had a grip on things again. Every time he felt like he was going to slip backwards again, he pressed into his injury and the pain make his mind snap back into focus.

Finally, Dean couldn't take it any longer. "How- How are you?"

Sam looked over at his big brother and gave him a little half smile. That was Dean- always looking out for him. "I'm good. I'm not seeing any… white rabbits right now. I feel normal right now for the most part which is saying something all things considered."

"Good… That's good." Dean didn't really know what else to say. Instead, he admired the sunset up ahead. It took him several seconds to realize that sunset had been hours ago… The orange glow up ahead of them wasn't the sun so what was it? Dean was too tired at the moment to think straight. Then Dean noticed the smoke and his heart stopped- the house. "Sam…" He sped up.

"What? … Shit." Sam cursed when he noticed why his brother had suddenly picked up the pace.

Then Dean realized something even worse that made his blood run cold. Balthazar had sent Zara back to the house… asleep. What if she hadn't woken up? What if a monster had gotten to her while she slept? What if she was burning up along with the house? And Dean had sent Balthazar to help Bobby which meant he was distracted from his duties of guardian. Dean had distracted her guardian angel. If she was dead, it was all on him. He didn't know what he would do with himself if he let that happen. She was the only one who understood him completely and knew exactly what he needed. He couldn't lose her. Not now.

Dean started speeding even more- they were just barely staying on the road at every turn. Sam was thrown off balance on the curves because he wasn't wearing a seat belt and he cursed. He saw the worried/angry set of Dean's jaw and his eyes widened in horror. "Dean? Where's Zara?" The look Dean gave him told him everything.


	18. Chapter 18

A/N Hey! What did you think of the premier? I'm excited to see what this season is going to bring. To those of you who are skeptical about what is going to happen, remember that all seasons have their bad parts. I know that the 200th episode has been a huge topic for debate within the fandom but I hope that we can all appreciate all the time and effort our boys have put into all of this for us. :) Sorry, I just had to put my two cents in against all the hate I've been seeing on Tumblr which really breaks my heart. Thanks to my lovely reviewers: Ladysunshine6, randomcupofnnoodles, ImmortalFire13, chinaluv, and Snowball519. Anywho, another Wednesday, another chapter. Hope you enjoy it!

* * *

_The orange glow up ahead of them wasn't the sun so what was it? Dean was too tired at the moment to think straight. Then Dean noticed the smoke and his heart stopped- the house. "Sam…" He sped up._

_"What? … Shit." Sam cursed when he noticed why his brother had suddenly picked up the pace._

_Then Dean realized something even worse that made his blood run cold. Balthazar had sent Zara back to the house… asleep. What if she hadn't woken up? What if a monster had gotten to her while she slept? What if she was burning up along with the house? And Dean had sent Balthazar to help Bobby which meant he was distracted from his duties of guardian. Dean had distracted her guardian angel. If she was dead, it was all on him. He didn't know what he would do with himself if he let that happen. She was the only one who understood him completely and knew exactly what he needed. He couldn't lose her. Not now._

_Dean started speeding even more- they were just barely staying on the road at every turn. Sam was thrown off balance on the curves because he wasn't wearing a seat belt and he cursed. He saw the worried/angry set of Dean's jaw and his eyes widened in horror. "Dean? Where's Zara?" The look Dean gave him told him everything._

* * *

**Chapter 18**

Various horrifying scenarios were playing in Dean's head as he drove up the drive to Bobby's house. He could see the growing flames over the treetops and saw that the house was collapsing in on itself. His heart clenched at the thought that if Zara was still in the house right now, she would be dead. He prayed that she had woken up or Balthazar had gotten to her before that happened. He had hardly parked the car before bolting out and running towards the burning husk, calling her name. Sam was right behind him. Sam went around the house one way and Dean went another.

"Zara!?" Dean yelled as he sprinted towards the house. He rounded the corner of the porch and saw that the car garage had caught fire as well but that didn't matter to him. All that mattered was what he saw just in front of the garage.

He could see a figure outlined by the flames and Dean knew it was Zara. His chest heaved- she was okay. Zara was okay. She just stood there slightly turned away from him- staring at something at her feet. The orange glow from the house bounced off her leather jacket and her face was wet and shiny with something. Blood? Dean started walking faster- thinking of all the terrible things that could have happened to her. She should have noticed him by now. They had been calling for her but she just stood there- lost in a trance or something.

"Zara?" Dean asked as he came up to her and put a hand on her shoulder. She jerked and turned towards him- locking her eyes with his and his breath caught in his throat. What was staring back at him didn't look like Zara at all. The look in her eyes was positively feral and slightly crazed as the dancing flames reflected back at him. There was a mixture of blood and something blackish splattered on her face and clothes. Everything about her seemed as if she would fly off the handle at any moment.

"Zara?" He asked gently one more time. That seemed to snap her out of whatever trance she had been in. She blinked rapidly several times before recognition washed over her face.

"Dean?" She breathed. That was all he needed to know that she was okay- whatever moment of temporary insanity had passed.

He pulled her into a tight hug- ignoring the fluids splattered over her clothes and she put her arms around him. "Oh my god I though I had lost you. Are you okay?" She nodded into his shoulder. Dean let out a sigh of relief and glanced down at the ground. That was when he noticed the body at their feet that was conspicuously missing its head. His eyes widened in horror. It was quite obvious that Zara had killed the thing. Dean's angel blade that he had given to Zara lay caked in Leviathan blood on the ground at their feet as well.

His mind was racing. Zara fought off a Leviathan by herself. He knew she was a good fighter considering how well she had dealt with that demon a couple weeks ago but that was really just an exorcism. He didn't realize she had it in her to kill. This girl was a piece of work. "What happened?" He asked as calmly as he could.

Zara gripped him tighter and sobbed into his chest. "I'm so sorry. I didn't remember about the house. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. I should have remembered. I-"

"It doesn't matter." Dean soothed. To think that she had most likely woken up in a burning building and then was attacked by a monster and all she could say was sorry she didn't save the house? "What matters is that you're safe. I was so worried about you."

"But I should have remembered that. I could have saved the house… all of Bobby's things. He's gonna kill me. And this was your home too. I'm so sorry." She was rambling.

Dean pulled her back so that he could look her in the eye. He didn't even notice the blood, gravel, and tears all over her face. All he saw was Zara and that she was okay and that was all that mattered to him at the moment. "It's just a house. We'll find a new one." She nodded halfheartedly. "Now what happened _here_?" He pointed to the corpse at their feet to clarify his previous question.

Zara turned and looked down to see what he was pointing at. Her eyes widened in horror. She hadn't really believed that it happened. It had felt like a horrible dream. "I… I killed it." She whispered unbelievingly.

Dean looked over at her quizzically. "Didn't think you had it in you, Princess."

She looked back at him. "I didn't either." Tears welled in her eyes again. "Something snapped and it just… happened."

"He would have killed you if you didn't, Zara. It's the way of life here." Zara just nodded and walked slowly back to the Impala. Dean understood how it felt after that first kill though- that feeling that there was no going back. He used to think for hours afterwards whether it was right to kill them or not but now? Now he barely thought about it at all. He had become calloused and unfeeling about the amount of killing all around him. Dean realized that that was probably not entirely good but it had become a way of life and he couldn't afford to be weighed down by that guilt. It pained him to think it, but he knew that Zara would have to get over that guilt too if she was going to stay with them. And he knew that it would change her. It always changes people.

* * *

Bobby and Balthazar got there about an hour later. Everything was cleared up with the Leviathans at the hospital. The monsters were dead and the bodies were burned. When Bobby saw the state of the house, though, he turned right around and drove off- leaving Balthazar behind.

The fire was out finally and Dean, Sam, and Zara were combing through the wreckage to see if there was anything salvageable. Unfortunately it looked like most everything was burnt to a crisp. "Dean!" Balthazar yelled as he walked up to the wreckage. Dean's head popped up from behind a half-burned wall to see who was calling to him. "What happened?"

Dean scowled at the angel as he made his way out of the rubble towards him. "What _didn't_ happen, Balthazar? A Leviathan set fire to the house and Zara had to fight it off on her own. Course, that was after she woke up inside a burning building... thanks to you." Dean stared at him accusingly.

After getting over the initial shock of the news, Balthazar realized what Dean was accusing him of. "You're saying this is my fault?" Balthazar asked indignantly. "I apologize, but you were the one who wanted me to send her here, which, I think you would agree with me, seemed like the safest place for her. Then you sent me off on an errand elsewhere. You can't be angry with me for not being able to protect her when you were the one distracting me." Balthazar really was grieved that Zara had been put in danger and he hadn't been able to protect her but it wasn't entirely his fault.

Dean's expression changed when he realized that he was just as much to blame for her predicament as Balthazar was. He kicked himself for distracting Balthazar from his duties. "Fine." He conceded. "It's my fault a bit too I guess. But aren't you supposed to have some sort of alert system to know when she's in danger? Isn't that your job?"

Balthazar sighed. "Yes, there are protection sigils that I was going to put on her but we didn't have the time with you calling and I thought it wouldn't hurt to wait one night."

Dean nodded. He had decided that he couldn't be angry at the angel for long considering what he was doing for Zara. He really did appreciate that there was someone else looking out for her and that also meant that there was another angel on their side. "She fought off a Leviathan all by herself." Dean repeated unbelievingly.

Balthazar laughed dryly. "I told you she could fight, Dean. She is a remarkable young woman."

"How do you know so much about her? It seems like you knew her before all this." Dean looked at him quizzically.

Balthazar's face became unreadable. "It was mandatory for all guardians to know about all of the charges in case there were… complications."

"Who was Zara's guardian then? Didn't they know that she was being abused? Why didn't they help her?" Dean asked.

"She was placed in a world without magic or the supernatural. It wasn't expected that she would have too much trouble keeping safe. Also, the guardians were all long dead by the time Sean came into her life. You can't expect the dead to continue their duties. Most of us don't come back like you do." Balthazar turned away abruptly and started walking towards where he could see Zara digging through the wreckage farther away. Dean went back to going through the remnants of the living room as he thought about what Balthazar had told him.

* * *

"Hey, Zara. Can I talk to you for a second?" Balthazar asked her as he got closer.

She had been sitting on a half charred bench looking through a wallet of sorts but she quickly stashed it in her jacket pocket and looked up at him when she heard his voice. "Sure." She smiled. Balthazar could tell that the smile was fake though, because it never reached her eyes. Something was bothering her. It was probably the fact that he sent her into a burning building with a monster nearby. He was definitely beating himself up over it. He knew he had always been a bad guardian but this was a new all time low.

Balthazar sat on the bench next to her heavily. "Akele," He used her Enochian name. "I am truly sorry for putting you in danger tonight." His voice was filled with guilt. "I would have kept you with me if I had known that things would happen this way."

Zara shook her head and put her hand on his shoulder comfortingly. "You couldn't have known. It's my fault for forgetting that it was going to happen."

Balthazar furrowed his brows. She wasn't mad at him for not protecting her? "You can't blame yourself for not remembering something you saw on the television. That's nearly ten years of happenings, Akele." She shook her head- unconvinced. "What's really bothering you then?"

Zara looked away and sighed- bringing out the wallet that she had hidden in her jacket earlier. She opened it and Balthazar saw that there was a picture of a smiling Hispanic family in one of the clear pockets. In the other side of the wallet, there was a driver's license for the man who owned the wallet. The name read Edgar Martinez. "I killed a man today, Balthazar."

So that was what was bothering her. "He was a monster. He was going to kill you. It was self defense." Balthazar reasoned.

"But before he was a monster, he had a family, a job, a life."

"It's normal to feel remorse-"

"No, Balthazar." Zara interrupted. "You don't get it. I killed him and I don't feel anything. I don't feel any remorse for killing him and I'd do it again in a heartbeat if I had to. That's what scares me. I SHOULD feel bad. I should be crying for his family. This is the first person, or used to be person, that I have actually killed and I feel… nothing. What does that make me? A monster?" She looked back up at Balthazar with tears in her eyes.

"You're NOT a monster, Akele." Balthazar emphasized. "You had every reason to kill him and you're going to have to get used to doing it again if you're going to stay with the Winchesters."

"I think I'm already too used to it and I don't want to be. The boys don't think about it much anymore. They are all too quick to stab the demon instead of exorcizing it to save the vessel. They have no respect for the life of the possessed. I don't want to become that, but I think I already am."

Balthazar gave her a little half smile. "I think you feel more than you think you do. The very fact that you're trying is evidence of that." He put his hand over the picture in the wallet. "Keep this and, when you feel like you're killing too wantonly, take it out and remember this family."

Zara gave him a little smile back and then surprised him with a hug. He instantly stiffened out of habit but eventually relaxed and put his arms around her- stroking her hair. "Thank you." She whispered.

He smirked. "Anything for you, Akele." That was the truth. He cared a lot about his charge and he really would do anything for her. He had already made so many mistakes when it came to Zara. "I just wish I would have been there for you before all this. I hope I can make it up to you now."


	19. Chapter 19

A/N Guess what I did after getting home from an eight hour shift at midnight? That's right. I wrote more :P You better be darn happy. Haha just kidding. I like it. It just takes me forever. This chapter is definitely lighter than others. I hope you like it. I did little previous chapter snippets on everything now so it'll be a little easier to remember where we left off. Anywho, thanks to reviewers EmilyAnnGibbs-McGarrett, Angry Hobbit, Ladysunshine6, and chinaluv for your comments on last chapter!

* * *

_"You're NOT a monster, Akele." Balthazar emphasized. "You had every reason to kill him and you're going to have to get used to doing it again if you're going to stay with the Winchesters."_

_"I think I'm already too used to it and I don't want to be. The boys don't think about it much anymore. They are all too quick to stab the demon instead of exorcizing it to save the vessel. They have no respect for the life of the possessed. I don't want to become that, but I think I already am."_

_Balthazar gave her a little half smile. "I think you feel more than you think you do. The very fact that you're trying is evidence of that." He put his hand over the picture in the wallet. "Keep this and, when you feel like you're killing too wantonly, take it out and remember this family."_

_Zara gave him a little smile back and then surprised him with a hug. He instantly stiffened out of habit but eventually relaxed and put his arms around her- stroking her hair. "Thank you." She whispered._

_He smirked. "Anything for you, Akele." That was the truth. He cared a lot about his charge and he really would do anything for her. He had already made so many mistakes when it came to Zara. "I just wish I would have been there for you before all this. I hope I can make it up to you now."_

* * *

**Chapter 19**

The ride over to Rufus' cabin was long and quiet. It was going to take at least two days of driving so they all settled in. Everyone was lost in their own little world- thinking about what they were going to do now that the house was gone. The loss of one of the only constant things in their lives was really taking a toll on the brothers. Balthazar would have offered to transport everyone over to Rufus' but Dean needed some therapy in the form of dark, lonely highways and the rumble of an engine beneath his feet. So the four of them piled into the Impala and they set off.

Everyone was distracting themselves in their own ways. Dean had his driving. Sam fell asleep so quickly it was obvious how often he did so in the front seat of the Impala. Zara and Balthazar were sitting in the back seat and Zara had decided to stretch out and throw her feet into Balthazar's lap. He was absentmindedly rubbing her sock feet while Zara started out the window admiring the scenery and trying to ignore the fact that she would have to talk to Bobby eventually. She knew that the Winchesters didn't blame her for what happened but she still felt partly to blame. She knew that she had to apologize to Bobby. She just hoped he wouldn't be too angry with her.

"We still need to give you your warding sigils." Balthazar's voice cut into her reverie.

"Carved into my ribs, right?" Balthazar nodded and Zara grimaced. There was always something about carving into bone that made her skin crawl. She was much more comfortable with getting a tattoo. "Could those be tattoos instead?"

Balthazar was silent for a second. "I believe that it would work the same way. I don't understand why you would want that though. Tattoos take longer and are probably more painful in the long run."

Zara smiled. She knew exactly how painful they were. "I'd like to be able to see and enjoy the results of my pain. Besides, I've been wanting another few tattoos and I know exactly how much they hurt. It isn't like this will be my first."

"You have tattoos?" Dean asked- looking back at Zara through the rearview mirror. He had gotten distracted by their conversation.

Zara smirked. "Yep. I've got a few actually."

"I didn't know that."

"You wouldn't. They're all on my back and it's not like I'm going to wear a tank top in this winter weather."

"What are they?"

"You'll have to come with me to the parlor if you want to see them." Zara laughed cheekily.

"We'll go tomorrow then?" Balthazar asked. "We shouldn't put it off for too long."

Zara smiled. "Yeah, that sounds good." She was having a hard time concealing how excited she was. This was her first real expression of freedom since she had gotten away from Sean (especially since he hated her tattoos and didn't let her get any more after they got married). She was already planning where she was going to put them.

* * *

The next day, Dean, Zara, and Balthazar were the first customers in the quaint little tattoo parlor. "What'll I getcha today?" The girl with the pixie cut at the counter asked them. Her hair was shaved on one side and the other side was dyed a tealish color. There was a smattering of tattoos and piercing all over her body but that wasn't as noticeable as her smile. She seriously seemed like the cheeriest person Zara had seen in a long time. It was refreshing. Balthazar handed her a paper with the various symbols scrawled on it and Zara pointed out where she wanted everything.

The tattoo artist, whose name they later learned was Trish, looked over at Zara questioningly. "This is a lot of ink. You ever had a tattoo before?"

Zara smiled. "Yeah I have a couple. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and I've got the time to get it all done today if you do."

"I've got all the time in the world, sweetheart. There aren't many people in this sleepy little town to take up too much of my time." The men hung back and Trish led Zara to the back room. She quickly took her shirt off and lay on the table. Trish started to work soon after that- the buzzing of the needle whirring through the little room. Trish kept up a steady stream of chatter the whole time and Zara realized how much she missed just talking to her girlfriends. She didn't have many back in the other world but this past month she hadn't so much as talked to another female and it was nice to just chat.

Balthazar came in soon after that and said that Dean went on a coffee run before sitting down in one of the chairs on the opposite side of the room. "He your boyfriend?" Trish asked while still leaning over her work.

Balthazar coughed. "Ah, no. I'm her brother actually."

"Really? You don't have the same accents though."

"Sorry, step brother and I grew up in France." Balthazar ammended.

"Oh. Well my aunt once took a trip over to…" Trish continued to chatter as she worked. Zara mouthed "Step-brother?" to Balthazar and he just smirked and shrugged.

Dean came up soon after that with the coffees. "Whoa, nice wings there, Princess." He admired the feathery angel wings that took up her shoulder blades and most of her back.

"You like them?" Zara asked. "My brother always said that I would regret getting them when the rebellious teenage years wore off but I still love them."

Dean chuckled a little. "No, I like them too. They suit you." He tried desperately to keep his eyes from wandering anywhere else considering she wasn't wearing a shirt. "So what all are you getting again?"

"Well there's the anti demon possession symbol right in between the wings, and then I was getting anti angel detection down my spine, and there's also the guardian angel symbol down on my lower right back." Trish's eyes widened at hearing what they were calling the symbols she was painting but she continued on just as she always did. If these people wanted to pay for satanic symbols, money was still money.

"That's quite a lot. You sure you can handle all that?" Dean asked,

"I got the wings all in one sitting. This is a piece of cake." Zara scoffed. "I'm thinking about getting one more but I'll have to ask Bal about whether it will work or not."

Dean snorted at the nickname she had given the angel but Balthazar just rolled his eyes. "What were you thinking, love?"

"Angel banishing." Zara stated.

Dean's eyes widened. "Why didn't I think of that? It would come in handy. Would it work Balthazar?"

The angel sat there for a second. "Yes, I think it would. You would still need the…" Balthazar looked over at Trish. He realized that Trish must have been pretty freaked out by all of their talk by now. "… You'd still need the other component to activate it." They knew what he meant. They would still need to activate it with blood but that was okay. They didn't want to go around banishing the friendly angels willy nilly anyway.

"Well, if it'll work, I want that on my left wrist as well." Zara said.

"Me too." Dean added. "Would that be okay?" He asked Trish.

She just waved him away. "If you've got the money, I've got the ink."

"How sweet- you'll have matching tattoos." Balthazar snorted. Zara chuckled and rolled her eyes. "I'll go draw it." He got up and left the room to go grab the pens and paper from the front.

Trish had been silent through the whole conversation- listening with wide eyes to these crazy people who seemed to be so normal at the same time. Whatever they were talking about was weird and that was saying something considering some of the things people had asked her to paint. She had thought she had heard everything but apparently not. She didn't let that bother her though. When they seemed to finish their conversation, she started her chatter up again. "So, your name is Zara right? That's an unusual name. I like it. I always wanted to have an exotic name when I was younger…"

A couple of hours later, they left the tattoo artist happy with her day's earnings if not a little suspicious about the satanic cult symbols she had just painted all over the sweet girl's body. But who was she to judge? She had the names of all of her ex's down her leg pierced with arrows. It wasn't her business anyway.

* * *

Sorry if I got something wrong with the tattoo stuff. I don't have any and have no idea. If anyone was wondering what her angel wings tattoo looks like, I posted it on my Tumblr. I'm Qbbie and it is tagged Light, Zara, angel wings, and tattoo. :)


	20. Chapter 20

A/N Chapter 20! Woohoo! I know this is a fillerish chapter but next chapter is going to be fun just you wait and see. :) Thanks to my reviewers: Ladysunshine6, chinaluv, and myharlequinromance321 (Thank you for your review especially. While I, myself, may be an overzealous little girl, I'm glad my story doesn't read that way. And Balthazar is my favorite too :) I felt that he didn't have enough screentime by a long shot.) Also, I wont get a chance to watch the new episode until tonight so no spoilers please!

* * *

_A couple of hours later, they left the tattoo artist happy with her day's earnings if not a little suspicious about the satanic cult symbols she had just painted all over the sweet girl's body. But who was she to judge? She had the names of all of her ex's down her leg pierced with arrows. It wasn't her business anyway._

* * *

**Chapter 20**

Zara's back was still stinging when they piled into the Impala again and the bandages put over her new ink were itchy and hot which made the rest of the 6 hour drive to Rufus' cabin uncomfortable to say the least. Dean offered to stop for a couple of hours but Zara just waved him off. In the end, she just slept with her face smushed up against the passenger seat in front of her.

Rufus was on a case on the other side of the country so they would be alone at the cabin for several days if they didn't find a hunt to go on as well (which was unlikely considering Sam had been looking for one since they got there). Bobby had called and said he was going to help Rufus so he wouldn't be back until then either. Dean crashed on the couch as soon as they got there- exhausted from driving the whole way. Zara was going to turn in on the other couch as well before Balthazar stopped her.

"Akele?" She looked up from her place on the couch. Balthazar was leaning against the wall next to the door.

"Yeah?" She yawned.

"I need to do something and I don't think I'll be back for a while." Balthazar shifted and took a step towards her. "You'll be okay with the Winchesters, right?"

"Yeah of course I'll be okay." Zara reassured him. Her brows furrowed. "Where do you need to go?"

"I've been thinking about how your life turned out after all the guardians died and I was wondering how the others were doing." Balthazar got on his knees in front of her so that he could look at her on the same level. "You have no idea what I have done- all that I have to atone for. If I'm going to be a guardian again, I want to do it right and I can start with making sure the others are safe."

"So you're going to go to all of the other people who had guardian angels to make sure they're okay?" Balthazar nodded and Zara's expression softened. "All by yourself?"

"This is something I feel I need to do. But you are still my first priority. If you don't want me to, I won't go."

"No. No. If this is something you feel you have to do, you should do it. Don't let me hold you back. I'll be safe with the Winchesters."

Balthazar snorted. "I'm not sure the words safe and Winchester really belong in the same sentence but I trust them to protect you. Also, with the guardian tattoo, I will know if I need to come back and there's a psychic link too. We can communicate if there's an emergency."

"I'm sure I'll be fine. You have important work to do."

Balthazar smiled and planted a kiss on her forehead before standing up. "Thank you, Akele. You're sure?"

Zara made a shooing motion. "Go! But Balthazar?"

"Hmm?"

"Could you check on two people first? I'm sure they would have had guardians before because they're prophets- Chuck and Kevin."

Balthazar looked puzzled. "Who?"

"Chuck and Kevin. They're the current and next prophets."

"I know who Kevin is but who is Chuck? He's not a prophet."

Zara's eyes widened. "So it's true." She whispered.

"What?" Balthazar took a step towards her again.

"Nevermind." She put on a fake smile. "Could you just check on Kevin first for me?"

"Sure." Balthazar smiled a little before disappearing in a flurry of wings.

Sam had been researching at the table on the other side of the room and wasn't listening to the conversation between Zara and Balthazar but his ears perked up when they mentioned Chuck. As soon as Balthazar disappeared he looked over at Zara and gave her a funny look. "What was that about Chuck not being a prophet?"

Zara jumped. She had been lost in her thoughts. "There's a theory in my old world that Chuck wasn't a prophet at all. The writers all but confirmed it and what Balthazar just said makes it even more probable."

"What do they say he was then?"

"God." Zara breathed. "They said Chuck was God." Both of them sat in stunned silence for some time.

* * *

"Sammy." A voice whispered into his head. "Saaaaaaaaaaaaaammmyyyyy." Sam shook his head and looked blearily back at the computer screen. He had been looking for a job for hours but hadn't found anything concrete yet. "Sammy." The voice was sharper this time. Sam knew it was Lucifer trying to make another appearance but he wasn't about to let him in that easily. He pressed into his hand again. The pain distracted him a little but there was still a little voice in the back of his head whispering to him- trying to break through.

Dean and Zara were sleeping on the couches in the living room area (which also happened to be the dining room where he was) and Sam was tempted to turn in soon as well. Sam smirked at their sleeping forms- so calm and carefree when unconscious- not at all like the careworn looks they both wore when awake. Dean always seemed better when she was around though. Sam saw how Dean looked at her. He knew his brother all to well and it was obvious that Dean liked her. It was even more obvious that Zara didn't have a clue. What with being pulled from her abusive relationship so abruptly, it was understandable that she wasn't able to think romantically at the moment, but it was almost laughable how she didn't seem to pick up on the things Dean did. He was always so worrisome and protective over her. Dean was in love with the girl that had crashed into their lives so abruptly and knew everything about them down to what was eating at either of them just by looking at their faces. It was incredible. Sam was unused to being read so well by someone other than his brother, but she could.

She knew just how each of them were feeling and offered comfort in any way she could, just to make their lives that little bit better- just that little bit more liveable. She was especially good with Dean which Sam was eternally grateful for (which made it even funnier that she didn't seem to notice Dean's special attraction to her). With Zara around, Dean had someone to keep him grounded in these crazy times. That was usually Sam's job but he couldn't do that for his brother right now and Sam appreciated the fact that Zara could. She was honestly helping Sam keep it together too. It was encouraging to have someone around to tell them that it gets better. It was very unusual, too, how quickly Zara had become such a permanent fixture in their little family, but was almost impossible to imagine how things would be without her.

Sam's phone started buzzing in his pocket and he took it out to see who was calling. He answered in immediately as soon as he saw that it was Bobby. "Hey Bobby. You okay? We've been worried about you."

"Yeah I'm fine." Bobby said gruffly. "Me and Rufus just finished up a job and are heading your way but Rufus just got wind of a hunt on in Bayview, Washington. Serial suicides. You think you guys are up for it?"

"Yeah, sure. We can leave right away."

"Great. Call if you need any help."

"We will." Sam was about to hang up but he thought better of it. "Hey, are you okay? You left in a hurry and we haven't seen you since."

Bobby sighed. "I'm fine. Just had to process a bit. It's just a house."

"Right." Sam knew it was just a house, but it had been their home. And it would take a bit to get used to not having that constant in their lives anymore. They would move on eventually.

"You be safe now." Bobby continued.

"Yeah, you too." Sam hung up the phone and moved to wake up his brother. He nudged his shoulder which only elicited sleepy mumbling from Dean. "Hey… Hey Dean. We've got a case." Dean opened his eyes marginally and groaned. "C'mon wake up. We gotta go."

Dean's eyes finally snapped open and the first thing he did was look first at Sam and then at Zara to make sure they were both okay. It was so much of a habit that he didn't even notice he did it. "What kind of case?" He asked as he sat up and rubbed one eye.

"Serial suicides."

"Great." Dean said sarcastically. He moved over to the other couch and started shaking Zara's shoulder gently. "Rise and shine Princess."

"No, Sean. Make your own breakfast. I'm too tired." She mumbled. Dean cast a sad glance at Sam. She was still dreaming about Sean. Her face scrunched up a little. "Please don't… I didn't mean it." She started squirming a little. "No. NO. OW!" She jerked up wide eyed- still touching the side of her face that Nightmare Sean had slapped. Zara tried to compose herself as soon as she realized that the two brothers were staring wide eyed at her. They knew exactly what she had been dreaming about. "We have a case?" She broke the silence.

"Uh yeah." Sam answered. "Up in Washington. You ready to head out again?"

She hopped up and started folding the blanket she had been using. Dean started looking around for Balthazar. "Where's feathers?" He asked.

Zara smirked. "He's checking up on Kevin."

Dean threw his hands up exasperatedly. Sometimes she was so confusing to talk to. He guessed it was like that with a lot of people who knew the future. "And who's Kevin?"

She grinned cheekily. Zara loved messing with him sometimes. "He's in advanced placement."


	21. Chapter 21

A/N It's good to hear that the rest of you enjoyed the ending of last chapter. I would just like to say that I've literally been waiting to use the advanced placement thing since day two of planning this entire story. I am not even kidding. It has been a snippet of conversation in my planning queue for months. :P So it's really rewarding to see that others enjoyed it too. Anyways, we are finally starting into a non cannon hunt of sorts. Thank you Ladysunshine6 for giving me the idea for this one :) I hope it exceeds your expectations as it has made me super excited to show to everyone. Also thank you to all of my reviewers last chapter: Guest, Sarab B., Ladysunshine6, mamasam, masterofthefall, sparklebattle, randomcuppofnoodles, and EmilyAnnGibbs-McGarrett. You are all amazing!

* * *

_"We have a case?" She broke the silence._

_"Uh yeah." Sam answered. "Up in Washington. You ready to head out again?"_

_She hopped up and started folding the blanket she had been using. Dean started looking around for Balthazar. "Where's feathers?" He asked._

_Zara smirked. "He's checking up on Kevin."_

_Dean threw his hands up exasperatedly. Sometimes she was so confusing to talk to. He guessed it was like that with a lot of people who knew the future. "And who's Kevin?"_

_She grinned cheekily. Zara loved messing with him sometimes. "He's in advanced placement."_

* * *

**Chapter 21**

"So the suicides started a couple of months ago and there's been at least two every week. It's become almost epidemic in this town." Sam was looking over the facts on his computer. They had just gotten to the motel but it was too late to do any investigating so they decided to settle in with Chinese takeout. Dean was vegging on the couch half listening to Sam's rundown over the droning of the TV. Zara was being a little more attentive as she was eating her food, cross-legged on one of the two beds. "They've sent out public announcements and have started community grief and suicide prevention groups all over."

"That sounds horrible. I feel sorry for all those families." Zara interjected. "What do you think it could be?"

"Leviathan?" Dean asked. He wasn't really sure what their typical prey was yet.

Zara shook her head. "No. Leviathans eat you whole and then pretend to be you. They have a much larger agenda than making people commit suicide."

"Ghost, then? Demon? Witch?" Sam suggested. Dean groaned at the last one. "We won't know until we talk to the family of the most recent suicide tomorrow."

Sam went back to his research and Zara soon started to feel sleepy. She slipped in and out of the bathroom quickly before popping onto the couch next to Dean. He woke up from the little cat nap he had taken when she elbowed him in the side playfully. "What?" He asked sleepily.

"I'm tired, Dean. You're in my bed." The motel didn't have any rooms adjacent to each other and so they decided to all stay in the same room this time. Zara honestly didn't care. She thought it was silly to pay for another room and she didn't mind sleeping on the couch but Dean wasn't having any of it.

"I'm not going to make you sleep on the couch Princess." Dean said seriously.

Zara snorted. "And that couch is way too small for you. I'll fit just fine." She started trying to push Dean off. He didn't budge at all and she only earned a skeptical raised eyebrow. Zara huffed and gave him her best imitation of Sam's signature "bitch face." Dean just snorted and the little mischievous spark in his eye was all the warning she had before he picked her up bridal style. Zara squealed and Dean dropped her unceremoniously onto the closest bed. Sam looked over at their childish antics and smiled a little. It was good to see them happy. All of them needed something to make them laugh again.

"Stay." Dean ordered teasingly before heading back to the couch.

Zara stuck her tongue out at his back before flopping back onto the bed and muttering, "Fine."

It wasn't long before all of them settled down and headed to bed. Sam and Zara fell asleep fairly quickly but Dean of course couldn't fall asleep. Despite all his assurances that he would be fine on the couch, he really was too big for it and he couldn't get comfortable. Dean turned on his side for what felt like the hundredth time. He hadn't had a full night's rest in days and he knew he'd feel awful in the morning. Dean sighed and got up. Sam was just going to have to suck it up and share his bed tonight.

Dean walked over to Sam's bed to see that the moose of a man was in fact too big for the bed in the first place. He was sprawled across the bed with his limbs hanging every which way off the bed. Dean groaned- there was no way both of them were going to fit. He turned to the other bed.

Dean didn't feel right about getting into Zara's bed without asking her considering her background, but he really needed the sleep. She was curled up on the other side anyway. She wouldn't even notice. He cautiously started peeling the covers off the opposite side of the bed but he stopped when he heard mumbling. His eyes darted around the room to find where the source was but there wasn't anyone else in the room. Then his eyes rested on Zara. She was sleep talking again.

"No. Please." Dean could hear the words tumbling out of her mouth now and she was tossing fitfully. "Don't make me do it." What in the world was she dreaming about? Dean dropped the covers and walked around to the other side of the bed. "Sean, no!" Dean's heart dropped. She was dreaming about Sean again. Dean sat on the edge of the bed and he tried shaking her gently to wake her up but that just made it worse. She rolled away from him and started sobbing in her sleep. "NO! Don't! Don't take my baby!" Dean's blood ran cold. What was she talking about? Baby?

"Zara?" He tried waking her up again. This time it worked and she bolted upright- full on sobbing. Dean put a comforting hand on her shoulder and he noticed that she made sure that it was him before curling into his chest. He just let her cry herself out and rubbed her back. "It's alright. It was just a dream. He's not here. I promise." He murmured into her hair. Zara took a shuddering breath and started to calm down in his embrace. Dean kissed the top of her head. "You wana talk about it?"

"No." She said dully.

Dean sighed. "You're going to have to talk to someone eventually. I'm not saying it's now and I'm not saying it's me but it's not good to keep everything in. If you want to talk to me, I'm here for you."

Zara had stopped crying by now and was just resting her head on his chest sadly. "I-I know. Thank you, Dean. And if I was going to talk to anyone, it would be you, but not right now. Not after that…" She shuddered at the thought of her nightmare.

Dean hugged her tighter. "Okay." He whispered.

"You can have the bed now." Zara whispered back. She extracted herself from his arms and went to sit on the couch.

"No. No. I'll be fine." Dean answered. He would have said that they could just share but he didn't want to push his boundaries with her when she was upset like this.

"I'm going to be awake for a while. You get some sleep." Zara insisted.

"Are you sure? I could stay up with you if you want." Dean offered.

Zara sighed. "No… thanks. I just need to be alone for a bit."

Dean nodded and didn't press any harder. He lay down on the bed but he still didn't end up falling asleep for a while. He was thinking through what had happened and what she had let slip while she was sleep talking. Zara had had a baby.


	22. Chapter 22

A/N Hey guys! What did you think of the new episode? *ugly sobbing* Longer chapter this time :) I know it's kinda choppy, but I like the feel that it gives the story. I hope you like it. Next chapter has something y'all have been asking for for a while now. So, looking forward to that. Thanks to all my fabulous reviewers: ceee24, EmilyAnnGibbs-McGarrett, chinaluv, mamasam, Ruateddybear2000, Ladysunshine6, and Morgan Elizabeth Jacobs. I love you all! Like last chapter, thank you Ladysunshine6 for the idea for this hunt. :) I don't really know where to put this so I'll put it here since the next few chapters will deal with this. I realize that many of you do not believe that abortion is wrong, and I'm not trying to shame anyone that has had an abortion. Zara believes that her abortion was wrong because she was planning on keeping the baby. Alright, housecleaning out of the way? Mostly. This note is ridiculously long. I'm sorry. On with the story!

* * *

_"I'm going to be awake for a while. You get some sleep." Zara insisted._

_"Are you sure? I could stay up with you if you want." Dean offered._

_Zara sighed. "No… thanks. I just need to be alone for a bit."_

_Dean nodded and didn't press any harder. He lay down on the bed but he still didn't end up falling asleep for a while. He was thinking through what had happened and what she had let slip while she was sleep talking. Zara had had a baby._

* * *

**Trigger Warning:** This hunt deals with suicides (and suicidal thoughts), car crashes, and Zara's thoughts on her abortion. If these trigger you, I just want to give you fair warning that they will be mentioned in the next few chapters. I will try to post warnings on all chapters that I think will be particularly triggering. If you ever want me to tag for a certain thing, don't hesitate to let me know.

**Chapter 22**

"So why did Zara decide to spend the day in the room instead of go with us?" Sam asked Dean once they had left the motel on their way to the family's house.

"She, uh, had a nightmare last night. It shook her up real bad. I think she just needs a little alone time." Dean explained.

"Ah." Sam nodded. They pulled up to a little white suburban home just outside of town. Yesterday's paper had said this was the home of the most recent suicide victim. People were milling in and out of the house and around the back yard as they were giving the family condolences and remembering their dead friend.

Dean opened up the glove compartment and took out their box of fake IDs. "FBI or CDC?" He asked. They were already in their suits. All they needed were the official cards.

"FBI." Sam said. "The town might panic if they thought this was some epidemic suicide psychosis that caused this."

Dean nodded and grabbed the appropriate badges for both of them before getting out and walking confidently up to the house- Sam following behind.

* * *

"So was Peter acting odd before he passed?" Sam asked the teary eyed woman sitting across from them. She was the victim's wife.

"He, uh, he had been having some pretty nasty nightmares. They really shook him up." She answered tiredly.

"What were the nightmares about?" Dean asked.

The woman looked skeptical. "What does this have to do with an FBI investigation?"

"Any detail could be important. We just want to make sure we know everything about the situation so that this doesn't happen again." Sam assured her.

She nodded- satisfied with their answer. "Peter was always terrified of getting burned in a fire. It was his worst fear. His dad was a firefighter and he worried about him a lot growing up. Peter had been dreaming about fires for days before he committed suicide. Sometimes during the day, he would just freak out about it again- almost as if he were hallucinating it. I chalked it up to work stress but now?" She choked up. "If only I had been more attentive. I could've helped him." She started crying again and Sam and Dean stood up. They knew when to make their exit.

"Thank you so much for your time. We are so sorry for your loss."

* * *

Zara was lying on the bed trying to get some sleep since she didn't the night before but she couldn't stop thinking about her nightmare. She had dreamed about the terrible day that Sean found out that she was pregnant- the day she was forced to have an abortion. The decision to lose her baby instead of run away from that terrible man had haunted her from that day on. It was her deepest regret.

Zara realized that she wasn't going to be able to get back to sleep even now with the boys gone. She decided that some fresh air might be the way to go to get her mind off of her nightmare. So she wrote a note to the boys and got dressed.

There was a little park just a few blocks from the motel. Her feet crunched in the newly fallen snow. Zara enjoyed the crisp winter air as she walked the quiet paths. She found a bench overlooking a frozen duck pond and she sat down and just enjoyed the peaceful scene around her. She had completely forgotten about her nightmare and was instead just basking in her surroundings. The wind picked up a little and Zara clutched her coat around her tighter to keep the cold away. The chill made the hair on her neck prickle.

She imagined that someone was right behind her and automatically thought it was her husband but she pushed the thought away. He was gone. He couldn't get to her anymore. There was no one there. She would have heard them. Suddenly, a hand gripped her shoulder and she froze. Hot breath ticked her neck and a menacing voice sounded right next to her ear. "Hello, RaRa." Zara let out a little whimper. Of course it was him. It would always be him.

* * *

"So what do you think?" Sam asked as they drove back to the motel.

"I don't know." Dean started to think about similar cases that they had had in the past. It didn't really seem to fit any of them…except maybe one of them. "What if it's a Crocotta?"

"A Crocotta?" Sam asked. "Those things feed on people's souls."

"Yeah. Remember that one several years back that called its victims pretending to be their loved ones and getting them to commit suicide? Maybe it's kind of doing the same thing but it's using people's worst fears to get them to give their souls up. I mean, if I were followed around by my worst fears night and day, I'd probably want to kick the can to make it stop too."

"Sounds like a good guess." Sam nodded. "We should find out if anyone else is having nightmares."

Dean was quiet for a second. "Shit." He whispered.

"What?"

"We know who's having nightmares, dude." Dean said quietly. "Zara. This son of a bitch has pegged Zara."

"Do we know for sure? We all have nightmares. How do you know it's her?"

"This thing targets fears, right? It uses things that are bad enough to drive someone to suicide." Sam nodded. "Zara was dreaming about Sean. About the terrible things he did to her. If she was going to freak out about something, it would be that. Plus there's another thing."

"What?"

"I think Sean's even more of a monster than we originally thought."

Sam looked skeptical. "Really?"

"I don't know for sure, but from what Zara was saying last night… I think she had a baby." Dean breathed. "I think she had a baby and Sean made her get rid of it."

* * *

"You're… you're not real." Zara covered her face with her hands and let out a long breath. This couldn't be real. It was just a hallucination. Yeah. She didn't get enough sleep and now she was seeing things.

"Oh but I am." Sean's voice held a menacing tone. Zara heard the crunching of boots as he walked around the park bench and sat beside her. Nope- still a hallucination. It had to be. Sean was still in the other world. He took a hold of one of her arms to pull it from her face. Then she freaked out. She could _feel_ him. This couldn't be a hallucination. Zara tried to wrench herself out of his grasp to run away but he only gripped her harder. He was stronger than she remembered. He grabbed her other arm and forced her to sit down beside him. "Let's talk." He grinned.

* * *

"She's not here, Dean." Sam called out to his brother. They had come back to an empty motel room. Sam had found the note she left for them. _Had to go for some fresh air. I'll be back soon. –Z._ Sam handed it to Dean who snatched it out of his hand quickly.

"Call her. I gave her my cell." Dean said hastily after he read the note. Sam grabbed his phone out of his pocket and started dialing. "If she's the next target, we have to get to her. We have to make sure she's okay."

* * *

"I'm not going to talk to you." Zara spat at Sean- still trying to wrench her arms out of his vice-like grip. Dean's phone buzzed in her pocket but she couldn't get to it.

* * *

_This is Dean's other, other cell. You know what to do._ Dean's voicemail sounded in Sam's ear. "Dammit. She's not answering"

* * *

"Why do you hate me?" Sean asked. It didn't seem like he really cared about the answer- like it had just popped into his head.

Zara gave a short, derisive laugh. "Why do I hate you? You beat me. You abused me. You made my life a living hell."

He seemed unfazed by the revelation. "Anything else?"

"You made me kill my baby." Zara whispered- tears filling her eyes. That was the real reason she hated him. She would have gladly taken all the beatings again if only she could have kept her baby. It was her one joy in her life and he had ripped it away from her. She hadn't even been able to find out the sex before he had carted her off to the clinic.

Sean gave her an evil grin. "There we go. Now we're getting somewhere. But that's not entirely true Zara. If you truly wanted to keep that baby, you could have run. You could have told someone. You could have stopped it. It's not actually my fault. _You_ killed your baby." Zara let out a little breath and Sean leaned forward to whisper into her ear. "It's your fault your baby is dead."

* * *

Sam and Dean were sprinting down the street looking for Zara. Dean was several steps ahead of Sam. As they were crossing the street, he didn't see the car that whipped around the corner until it was too late. The driver of the car tried to stop but couldn't make it in time because of the ice that was on the road. It slipped and slid across the road and before Dean even knew what was happening, he was laying unconscious on the side of the road. "Dean!" Sam yelled.

* * *

Zara was sobbing now. So many times she had lain awake at night thinking the very same things. She kept thinking that she was the monster, not Sean. She was too weak to say no to him and so it was her fault.

Sean was still whispering into her ear. "You are worthless and pathetic and you don't deserve any of the love that your new friends give you." He reached into his coat pocket and drew out a long silver blade. "You killed your baby and you don't deserve to live either." He placed the knife into her hand. Zara looked down at it and let out a long, heavy-laden breath. "Do it."

"Kill myself?" Zara stared at the knife. It seemed like all the guilt she felt for everything she had done was laid out in front of her.

"That's right." Sean purred. "It's all your fault."

"All my fault…" Zara murmured as she turned the hilt of the knife over in her hand. But it wasn't. Being forced to have that abortion wasn't her fault. She wasn't able to get any of the nurses alone to ask for help with Sean standing over her scaring all of them away. He wouldn't have let her speak even if she had been able to find the voice. She was so afraid of him at that point that she was unable to do anything. That wasn't her fault. It was his. She was _not_ the monster. _He_ was. Her grip on the knife tightened and she felt that same calm anger wash over her as with the Leviathan. She had made the decision before she could really even think about it. With one fluid motion, she swung the knife at his head.

The surprise on his face was evident as his body went one way and his head the other. Zara stared at the body in disbelief. She had done it. She had killed him. But why was he here? In everything, she had never asked Sean why he had been in this other dimension. Then she got her answer. Right before her eyes, what used to be Sean morphed into a grotesque looking monster with a hollowed, grey face and pointed teeth. It wasn't him. Zara didn't know if she should be relieved that she hadn't killed an actual person or angry that the man was still breathing the free air.

* * *

The car had stopped farther up the road and the driver had gotten out. The young teenaged girl was already crying as she came up to them. "Ohmigawd. I'm so sorry. I'm calling 911 right now."

Sam wasn't listening though. He was trying to wake Dean up. He was breathing and his pulse seemed strong but it looked like his leg was broken and he probably had a concussion as well as a few broken ribs. He needed to go to a hospital. Dean's eyes started to flutter open and he let out a groan. "Dean. Hey, stay still. You've broken some bones." Sam held his brother down so that he wouldn't make anything worse by puncturing a lung or something.

Dean closed his eyes- trying to block out the pain. "Zara?" He managed.

"I'm calling her right now." Sam picked up his cell phone and dialed her again as he heard sirens in the distance. She picked up on the fourth ring.

"Hello?" Her voice sounded garbled like she had been crying but she was alive which make Sam give a sigh of relief.

"Zara! Where are you? Are you okay?" He asked. Dean was watching his brother's face to try and figure out what she was saying.

"The park… I'm okay now."

"Thank god. We were looking for you. Dean got hit by a car."

"OHMYGOD!" She yelled into the phone. "I'll be right there."

Sam hung up in time to see the ambulance pull up and the medics burst out with the gurney. The driver was crying hysterically on the side of the road but he couldn't go comfort her. He needed to be with his brother.


	23. Chapter 23

A/N I'm excited for this chapter! Loved the fact that Zara had a nightmare two chapters ago and everyone was worried about her and then Dean got hit by a car last chapter and nobody bats an eye. We really have gotten used to it haven't we? Haha. Last update this fic passed 100 followers and 10,000 views! That's amazing. Thank you so much for your support. It means so much to me :) Also, big shout out to my reviewers: chinaluv, Ladysunshine6, mamasam and EmilyAnnGibbs-McGarrett.

* * *

_"Hello?" Zara's voice sounded garbled like she had been crying but she was alive which make Sam give a sigh of relief._

_"Zara! Where are you? Are you okay?" He asked. Dean was watching his brother's face to try and figure out what she was saying._

_"The park… I'm okay now."_

_"Thank god. We were looking for you. Dean got hit by a car."_

_"OHMYGOD!" She yelled into the phone. "I'll be right there."_

_Sam hung up in time to see the ambulance pull up and the medics burst out with the gurney. The driver was crying hysterically on the side of the road but he couldn't go comfort her. He needed to be with his brother._

* * *

**Trigger Warning:** Zara talks very briefly about her suicidal thoughts from last chapter.

**Chapter 23**

*Knock Knock Knock* Sam rapped on the open door to Dean's hospital room. "Hey." Sam said as he and Zara walked into the hospital room to see Dean laid up in the bed. There were bandages around his head and middle and his leg was wrapped in a cast. As soon as Dean's eyes locked on Zara, he visibly relaxed. She was okay.

"Hey." Dean managed to croak back.

"Are they letting you out today or are we breaking you out?" Sam asked jokingly.

Dean smiled. "Yeah, they're letting me out." It had been a running joke with them. Of course the doctors weren't going to let them out. It was either they broke out or got in trouble for not having real insurance. "Could you…" Dean motioned his head in a way that told Sam he wanted to talk to Zara alone. Sam gave him a little smile and left the room to go find a wheelchair.

Zara stood off to the side- biting her lip and keeping her gaze down. She was the whole reason Dean had been hit by that car. It was her fault. _It's your fault. _ The monster's voice echoed back in her head. _It's your fault._

"Zara." Dean interrupted her thoughts. She didn't look up. "Hey…" He said softly. "Come 'ere." Zara shuffled forward and stood beside the hospital bed. Her tear-filled golden eyes met his kind green ones. Dean reached out and put a hand on her cheek comfortingly. She closed her eyes and leaned her face into his hand. A few tears squeezed out and fell down her face. "It's _not_ your fault." Dean wiped the tears away with his thumb. She still hadn't said anything since she had walked in with Sam. He searched her face. "Say something… please?"

Zara let out a shuddering breath. "I'm so sorry." She whispered as she opened her eyes again. "You could have died and it's all my fault."

Dean sighed and put his hand down. "No. It isn't. I'm here because I was being stupid and not watching where I was going. I'll be fine. Don't worry about me." Zara gave him a sad smile and nodded. She pulled up a chair to sit next to him. "What about you? Are you okay?" Dean's voice filled with emotion. "I was so worried about you. I thought with what happened last night and the monster using nightmares that you were next."

"I was…" Zara bit her lip. "He's dead."

Dean's eyebrows shot up. That makes two monsters in a week. It made him feel better to know that she could take care of herself. He couldn't hide the fact that he was pretty damn proud of her too. "What happened?"

"I took a walk and he found me and I killed him."

Dean gave her a look. "I'm sure there's a lot in there that you're skipping over there, Princess." Zara didn't answer. She just gave him a sad little stare. "What happened, Zara?"

"It doesn't matter now." The look on her face said otherwise.

"Yes it does and you said you'd tell me at some point." Dean gave her his best puppy dog face.

Zara rolled her eyes. She had promised to explain... She took a deep breath as she gathered her thoughts. She hadn't ever told anyone what she was about to say, but out of all the people in the world she knew, Dean was the one she trusted the most. "As you probably figured out from my… episode last night, I had a baby- er, well, I was pregnant. I wanted to keep the baby but Sean didn't. And when he found out…" She looked down at her lap and bit her lip to keep the emotions in. "When he found out, he forced me to have an abortion."

"Zara I'm so sorry." Dean murmured- wishing that he could get out of the bed and hug her. He took her hand in his instead and squeezed it comfortingly.

"I'm making my peace with it." Zara gave a little smile.

"But what happened today? That has something to do with it too."

"The monster, whatever it was, found me on my walk. He looked like Sean and he tried to convince me that it was all my fault. He wanted me to kill myself."

"But you didn't." Dean said softly.

"I… I almost did."

"You what?" Dean asked hurriedly. He gripped her hand tighter as if that alone would keep her in this world.

"I almost did what he said." Zara choked out. It was almost impossible to keep the tears in anymore. She let a few drop. "I wanted an end, you know? I wanted all the guilt, and pain, and fear to stop. I knew that if I did it, I would never have to see Sean again. Even worlds away, he is still torturing me, Dean. I can't escape it. Every time I wake up, I think that I'll wake up next to him. Every time I go to sleep, I wonder if this was all just a dream and my nightmares are the reality. Every time I hear someone behind me or someone touches me I think it's him. He ruined my life, Dean, and I'm still not free of him. And so I sat there with that knife, ready to end it all, when I realized that there was another way I could be free. I could kill _him_ instead. And I did." Dean noticed that feral glint in her eyes again that made her look anything but human. Her voice hardened. "And I'm not sorry. I would do it again in a heartbeat. My only regret is that it wasn't actually him."

"Well maybe you'll get a chance to sometime." Dean assured her.

"Hopefully soon. I want that bastard to rot in Hell." Zara said grimly.

"He will." Dean promised.

Zara looked up to see a look of determination on his face. He wanted justice for her as much as she did. Even when he was in a hospital bed, he was still trying to protect her. Zara's heart filled with gratitude for all that he had done for her. She leaned up and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you." She whispered- meeting his confused gaze while still keeping her face close to his.

"For what?" He asked as his cheeks reddened. He was trying desperately to not read into the kiss.

Zara leaned back and gave him a little half smile. "For everything. For being amazing. For caring." She said sincerely. "You make me feel safe and you drive away the nightmares. I can't imagine what I would do without you. So… thank you."

* * *

Sam took his time finding a wheelchair. He knew that Zara had a lot to tell Dean about what happened. She had told him a bit on the way and he was amazed at how well Zara handled herself. He was about to head back to the room when he felt a tap on his shoulder. Sam turned around to see Lucifer grin at him before disappearing again. "You can't get rid of me forever." Lucifer's whisper came from the direction of the room. Sam spun around again to get a glimpse of him but he wasn't there. Sam started absentmindedly rubbing his hand again. The whispers quieted but the feeling that he was being watched never left him.

Sam shook his head to clear it and headed up the hallway. He didn't want to trouble Dean and Zara, but it was getting worse every day. It was only a matter of time before the visions came back full force and the thought terrified him. He masked the trembling in his hands by gripping the handles of the wheelchair tighter and walking a little faster. As he neared the door, he peeked in to see if Zara was done with telling Dean what had happened. He looked in just in time to see Zara give Dean a peck on the cheek which made Sam smile.

Reluctant to spoil the moment, Sam waited outside the door for another minute more. He could hear them talking quietly behind him. Their murmuring blended in with the rest of the whispering going on in his head. Sam closed his eyes and tried to focus on reality. Eventually, he got his fevered mind together and pushed into the room. "Hey." He greeted them as if nothing was happening.

"Hey." Zara said. She looked over at Dean. "You ready to go?"

Dean nodded wearily and he started shifting on the bed so that Sam could help him into the wheelchair. He would have to wait until his leg and ribs were healed before he could walk on his own again. Sam threw an arm over Dean's shoulder and supported him as he stood on his good leg and sank down into the chair. Zara grabbed Dean's clothes that had been piled on the counter and followed after the brothers.

They had become adept at escaping hospitals without being noticed so it was only a few minutes until they were in the Impala on their way back to Rufus' cabin. Dean was forced to lie in the back for once to accommodate his injuries, so Sam was driving and Zara was sitting in the front going through their extensive tape collection. She quickly chose one and put it in. The speakers played Slow Ride by Foghat as they cruised down the road lost in their own little worlds.


	24. Chapter 24

A/N Hey! Fillerish chapter today... sorry about that. But we just had a fun chapter and there are fun things to come next update. Thank you to last chapter's reviewers: EmilyAnnGibbs-McGarrett, Ladysunshine6, ceee24, mamasam, xRachelxbrowniex, Music Box Physicist, chinaluv, and Sara.B! :)

* * *

_"Hey." Zara said. She looked over at Dean. "You ready to go?"_

_Dean nodded wearily and he started shifting on the bed so that Sam could help him into the wheelchair. He would have to wait until his leg and ribs were healed before he could walk on his own again. Sam threw an arm over Dean's shoulder and supported him as he stood on his good leg and sank down into the chair. Zara grabbed Dean's clothes that had been piled on the counter and followed after the brothers._

_They had become adept at escaping hospitals without being noticed so it was only a few minutes until they were in the Impala on their way back to Rufus' cabin. Dean was forced to lie in the back for once to accommodate his injuries, so Sam was driving and Zara was sitting in the front going through their extensive tape collection. She quickly chose one and put it in. The speakers played Slow Ride by Foghat as they cruised down the road lost in their own little worlds._

* * *

**Chapter 24**

"Morning Sleepyheads!" Bobby yelled into the living room. Zara and Sam, who were on the couches, woke up groggily. They had gotten in late last night from the last hunt. Dean got invalid privileges so he got the only available bed. The smell of bacon and eggs frying on the stove wafted in and enticed them to get up faster and join in breakfast. Dean was already sitting in his stolen wheelchair, scarfing down his breakfast by the time the other two stumbled into the kitchen.

Bobby was setting out the last of the food and humming a tune Zara didn't recognize. "What's got you so chipper this morning, Bobby?" Sam asked.

"Found a cheap house back in Soux Falls." Bobby said. "We can be in within the week."

"That's great!" Sam said- mostly relieved that they wouldn't have to be sleeping on Rufus' couches anymore.

Zara was happy that they had found a house again but she knew they wouldn't need it as soon as they got the key to the bunker. Unfortunately she didn't know when exactly that was going to happen so there was no point in waiting. Honestly, she still felt bad that she hadn't been able to save the last house. She knew the future, why couldn't she make a difference? Sure, she had saved Balthazar, but Ellie still died, Sam was still hearing Lucifer, and the Leviathans were still on the loose. Even Dean breaking his leg had happened in the series albeit delayed in reality thanks to Zara. Maybe it was only a matter of time until fate reasserted itself and Balthazar died again too? Would that mean Bobby would still die? Maybe she couldn't really make a difference at all and she was just going to have to watch everything fall through her fingers without being able to change anything. It was so frustrating! Zara put her head down on the table in defeat.

"What's up?" Dean asked her worriedly.

"I'm sorry, Bobby." Zara's voice was muffled through her arms.

"For what?" Bobby asked.

"I should have remembered about the house." Zara lifted her head up and looked Bobby in the eye. "By the time I woke up, it was past saving."

Bobby's face softened. "Zara, some things were just meant to happen. Sometimes fate can't be stopped and nothing you do can change it. It wasn't your fault."

Zara gave him a weak smile. At least he wasn't angry at her. It didn't make her feel better about fate though. She couldn't accept that Bobby or Balthazar still had to die. She couldn't. "I'm still sorry about it." Sorry about the house… or sorry about his fate.

Bobby put a hand on her shoulder and looked her in the eye. "You didn't set it on fire. The leviathans did. And we're gonna make those sons'a'bitches pay."

"But how are we going to find them?" Sam asked.

The three men looked at Zara expectantly. As the resident time traveler, it seemed it was her job to tell them everything. Unfortunately, the first few episodes of season 7 hadn't really jumped out at Zara. She didn't remember what was going to happen. Sure, she knew the major plot developments but everything leading up to that was a bit fuzzy.

Zara grimaced and looked up at them. "I don't know."

"You don't…" Bobby sighed. "Looks like we'll be doing this the old fashioned way then."

"I wish I could be more helpful but this part wasn't all that memorable. I've got 9 years of your life stored up in my head. Some of it is bound to get jumbled and forgotten."

Dean gave her a little smile and put his hand over hers on the table. "It's alright. It was going to happen anyway right? Could you maybe tell us the highlights? What's coming up?"

"Fine." Zara cast her thoughts back to the time when she was watching the 7th season for the first time. Frankly, she hadn't been paying much attention. It was after she had found out her brother had died in combat. Watching Supernatural without her brother hadn't felt right and she had just married Sean who didn't like watching it either. In all honesty, she probably had skipped several episodes near the beginning. By the end of the season though, she was back to watching full force. It was her one escape from the beatings.

She sighed. "I don't remember the next couple months for… reasons." Dean cast a curious look at her. "But I do know that the Leviathans will lay low for a bit… Cas turns up at some point and heals Sam…"

Sam grimaced at that. He didn't want everyone reminded that he was on the verge of insanity. He was keeping it together for the most part but it was getting worse. Sam knew that it was only a matter of time before he snapped, but now that he knew the consequences of his healing, he wondered if there could be some other way. Despite everything that Cas had done, he didn't deserve being driven insane.

"Why aren't we looking for Cas then?" Dean asked.

"Because he will turn up when he's ready. I promise. He's okay." Dean didn't look convinced, but Zara knew that Cas would need time to heal. Where he was, he would also get a glimpse into a normal life and honestly, he deserved it. Zara continued. "We need to keep an eye out for the Leviathan tablet, Dick Roman, and Kevin Tran."

"The what and who?" Bobby asked. "None of those ring a bell."

"The Leviathan Tablet is God's instruction manual on all things black and gooey." Zara explained. "Dick Roman is their leader. He's a… he's a dick. And Kevin…" Zara thought back to all that happens to the poor kid in the next few years. "Kevin is a prophet, he's the only one who can read the tablet… and he's family."

"Family, huh?" Dean asked skeptically.

Zara nodded seriously. "Kevin Tran is family and you should appreciate him a lot more than you do considering all that he does… _will do_ for you." She looked sternly at Dean specifically. In the show, Kevin was vastly underappreciated. If Zara was going to have anything to do with this story, she was determined to change that.

Dean threw up his hands. "Hey, don't accuse me of something I haven't done yet! That's not fair!"

Zara lifted an eyebrow at him. "It may not be but there's a lot I could be accusing you of right now and Kevin Tran is only one of them."

Dean looked down. That was a sobering thought. What choices was he going to have to make in the future? What unthinkable things would he be driven to do? He had already done so much wrong in his life. Apparently, there would be more. "Well will you at least tell me what I've done so I can apologize in advance?" He offered.

"No." Zara had watched enough Dr. Who to know how that worked out. "This information is on a need to know basis. When you need to know, you will. And don't you _dare_ go sneaking in my journal. It will only make things harder."

"Yes ma'am." Dean muttered before shoveling the last of his eggs into his mouth.

* * *

"You call that laying low?! I'd say that the Leviathans are doing anything but laying low." Dean gestured at the television which was displaying a news report about mass killings. The Winchester's most recent mug shots were displayed along side the reporter. Dean cursed under his breath. It was one thing for monsters to go on a killing spree; it was a whole new level of personal when the monsters were using their faces to do it.

The reported droned on. "The two were presumed dead until two days ago when they appeared in a bank in Jericho, California and killed 15 people. We have just gotten reports that they have resurfaced in Lost Creek, Colorado. Casualty reports have yet to come in. More on this story as it develops."

"Shit." Sam cursed under his breath. "We've gotta stop this."

"But how do we know where they are going?" Dean sighed. "I mean, first California and then Colorado? They don't seem to be following a pattern here."

Zara had been quietly watching the news report trying her hardest to remember what was happening. Those two cities seemed familiar but she just couldn't quite put her finger on it. Dean and Sam were looking at her attentively. "What do-"

"Shhhh." Zara interrupted as she held up a finger. She closed her eyes. Jericho… Jericho… Why was that town so familiar? "What cases have you had in Jericho?"

"Uhhhh… Didn't we have a vengeful spirit case there a few years back?" Sam asked.

"Yeah! That was our first case after you left Stanford." Dean said.

Zara's eyes shot open. She knew what the Leviathans were doing. Hadn't Crowley done a similar thing? "Your second was the Wendigo in Lost Creek. They're following every case you had after you two got back together."

"So where are they going next?" Dean was trying to think back.

Zara beat him to it though. Despite it being 10 years ago for her, she had watched Season 1 several times since then. She knew it like the back of her hand. "Next is 'Dead in the Water' with another vengeful spirit. It was the one where the kid wouldn't talk but drew you pictures as clues."

Sam nodded. "I remember that one. That was in Lake Manitoc."

"Right. We can be there in a couple days." Dean smiled.

Sam cast him a sidelong glance. "I'm not sure you should come with us, Dean."

Dean looked down at his leg which was still in a full cast. He was confined to his wheelchair because his broken ribs made crutches unbearable. He shook his head and grinned. "Nah. I'll be fine. I'll kill those sons'a'bitches before you can even get your knife out." They could at least take him along maybe.

Zara rolled her eyes. 'We'll be fine and riding in the car will only hurt your ribs more." She assured him. "Sam and I will take care of it and be back before we know it."

"At least take Bobby with you."

"Bobby is leaving to take care of the new house. We don't need him."

Dean sighed. "I'm coming." He said firmly. "You can't stop me."

Zara and Sam were about to argue against him but they interrupted by the sound of angel wings. Zara turned quickly to see her guardian angel was standing behind her. "Balthazar!" She threw her arms around him and gave him a hug. He hugged her back and gave her a little smile as she let him go. "How have you been?"

"I am fine. I came back to tell you news of the prophet you asked about.

Zara smiled. "How is Kevin?

"He is fine. He has been very hard at work studying for some sort of exam. It doesn't seem like he is in any danger past getting a paper cut." Balthazar said sarcastically. He finally took his eyes off of his charge to look around the room. His eyes widened when he saw Dean. "What happened?"

"I got hit by a car." Dean grumbled. "Any chance you have any angel mojo to spare? We've gotta get going on another case."

"Ah yes. Fine work on that Crocotta, Zara. I would have intervened but it seemed like you had it under control." Balthazar put his hand on her shoulder- as proud as if he were her real brother.

"Hello… angel mojo?" Dean waved Balthazar over to him. Balthazar rolled his eyes and put two fingers Dean's forehead. Dean's bandages disappeared and he stood up- stretching his arms behind his back and sighing. "Thanks, Feathers."

"I'm not your personal medic Dean, and I can only take a limited supply of power from Heaven without being noticed by those who still want to kill me. I can't just heal you after every hunt so be more careful next time." Balthazar scolded before turning back to Zara and putting his hands on her shoulders. "Aside from the monster, are you okay?" Zara nodded. His voice sounded in your head. _Are you comfortable with the Winchesters?_

Zara's eyes went wide at the unusual form or communication. She remembered Balthazar saying something about a psychic link with the guardian sigil._ Yes._ She thought in reply- hoping he would hear her. Apparently he did.

_ Good. If you ever feel like you need to leave them- that you don't feel safe, I will get you away. Do you understand me? You are my first priority and I will always protect you_

_I know. Thank you._

Dean looked uneasily between the two. They were staring at each other intensely and he could tell that there was a conversation going on. What were they talking about that he wasn't allowed to hear? "Hey." He snapped in between both of their faces.

_Be safe, Akele. I must find the other charges. I will return soon._

_ Goodbye Bal. And good luck._

Balthazar disappeared and Zara looked over at Dean. "Ready to go?"

Dean sighed. Apparently he wasn't going to know what they were saying. "As I'll ever be. You ready Sammy?" Sam didn't answer. He seemed to be lost in thought. "Saaaaaammmmmmmyyyyyyyyy."

"Huh? Oh right. Yeah. I'm ready. Let's go." Sam eyed the other two uneasily. He didn't want them to know how long he had been clocked out- hallucinating. It didn't seem like Dean or Zara had noticed though and he let out a sigh of relief. They quickly packed their bags and left- leaving Rufus' cabin far behind.


	25. Chapter 25

A/N This chapter was fun to write. :) Thank you to all of last chapter's reviewers: TheLastNephalem, Ladysunshine6, Aparajitha, MorganElizabethJacobs, EmilyAnnGibbs-McGarrett, chinaluv, and Music Box Physicist. Also, TheLastNephalem sent in a oneshot request that I am working on. So be looking out for an update on the Light Oneshots page. s/10678988/1/Light-Oneshots I'll hopefully have it up in the next few days. I hope you enjoy this chapter...

* * *

_Zara looked over at Dean. "Ready to go?"_

_Dean sighed. Apparently he wasn't going to know what they were saying. "As I'll ever be. You ready Sammy?" Sam didn't answer. He seemed to be lost in thought. "Saaaaaammmmmmmyyyyyyyyy."_

_"Huh? Oh right. Yeah. I'm ready. Let's go." Sam eyed the other two uneasily. He didn't want them to know how long he had been clocked out- hallucinating. It didn't seem like Dean or Zara had noticed though and he let out a sigh of relief. They quickly packed their bags and left- leaving Rufus' cabin far behind._

* * *

**Chapter 25**

"Alright, so what's the plan?" Sam asked as they entered yet another dingy motel room. They had just gotten to the town that they expected the Leviathans to turn up next.

"We kill the Leviathans and make sure that they are still wearing your faces when they die so you're legally dead again." Zara answered readily.

"Right. Sounds easy enough." Dean muttered sarcastically. He flopped onto the couch. "Except me and Sam haven't even killed one of these things before. We don't know how they think or how they fight. Do they shift as much as regular shapeshifters do? What are we going up against?"

"Plus law enforcement is going to be looking for us. It's not like we can just walk around in the open. We'll get arrested." Sam dumped his duffel onto the farther bed before crashing on it himself.

"Then don't get arrested." Zara shrugged. "Stay here and I'll handle it. The cops aren't looking for me."

Dean shot up. "No." He said firmly. "There's no way we're letting you go out on your own against those monsters. What? Are you crazy? No. New plan."

"Dean, if either of you two go anywhere, people are gonna recognize you. Your faces are all over the news. You'll get arrested before you even find them." Zara reasoned.

Dean walked over to Zara and put his hand on her shoulder. He bent down so he could look her eye to eye. "I am _not_ going to let you go out there alone against two Leviathans." He said firmly. "Do you hear me?" Dean's eyes softened. "I don't want to lose you again." He said quietly. All his emotions went into that last sentence. He couldn't lose her again. When he thought that that Crocotta had gotten her, he was so afraid and worried for her that he couldn't even think straight. All he could think was that she had to be alive. She _had_ to be. And when he saw her in that hospital room, it felt like he could finally breathe again. And then she had given him that kiss on the cheek. No. He couldn't think about that. She didn't mean anything by it. She couldn't have feelings for him. It was too soon, but he still hoped…

An expression that Dean couldn't decipher came over Zara's face before she bit her lip and stepped back- widening the space between them. She crossed her arms over stomach. "What do you plan on doing then?" She asked quietly.

"We can't go around asking people questions." Dean went back over to the couch. "So I guess we'll drive around until we see something suspicious."

"We're going to need a new car." Sam piped up. "I've been looking at the police reports. Apparently the Leviathans copied the Impala too."

Dean cursed under his breath. "The car too? Really?"

* * *

"I hate this." Dean cursed as they drove down the road in a little Prius. "This car, this job… It just feels wrong." They had recently left the main part of town and were now driving through some back neighborhoods to see if anything fishy was going on there. The sun was just going down and it was getting dark but they still hadn't seen anything that looked like the Leviathans' handiwork.

"It's just until we can get this mess worked out." Sam sighed.

"I still don't like it." Dean grumbled. "And we've been driving around for hours. I'm not seeing anything. You sure this was the next place on the list?" He looked at Zara in the back seat.

Zara shrugged. "Yeah it should be." She was lost in her own little world- thinking about what Dean had said earlier.

Why was Dean being so protective? Sure, he had been protective of her since she had gotten here but why? It wasn't like she was that special or anything. She was just someone who crashed into their lives. She was just a person who happened to know their futures. She was of little use to the Winchesters otherwise and would have probably been left on her own a long time ago if she didn't have such valuable information.

So why didn't it feel that way? Why did it feel like there was more than that? Why did Dean feel the need to protect her so much? It was all there in that one sentence. "I don't want to lose you again." In her heart, she knew. She knew Dean maybe had feelings for her. She wasn't blind, but she couldn't accept it. She wasn't ready to. Zara knew that if she accepted that, she would allow herself to accept other things- to let herself have those kinds of feelings again too and she just couldn't. It was so much easier to feel broken and unfeeling than to open herself up to getting hurt again.

There was still a part of her that was hopeful though- a little part that said that she could love again… some day. It wasn't like she would fall into the same trap that she had fallen into last time. She knew Dean. She knew his past and his future. She knew almost everything about him. He wouldn't hurt her. He had been nothing but kind and gentle to her. (Except that one time… but he was protecting Sammy and he apologized...) If she was going to fall in love with anybody, it would be him. He was everything she ever wanted- kind, protective, strong, funny, and handsome… God, he was handsome. He knew just what she was feeling and he made her forget about her past.

_Worthless, stupid, pathetic, disgusting. No one will love you. You are just a useless piece of shit and I should have never married you. I don't even want to look at you right now. Go make my dinner._ The random thoughts of Sean's abuse washed over Zara unexpectedly- making her cringe. They would always come back just when she felt like she was almost free. It made her feel even more broken. This is why she didn't deserve Dean. He didn't deserve having to deal with this. She wasn't ready to feel- to love again.

The suburban houses rolled by illuminated only by the streetlamps and the lightning bugs. Zara smiled a little. Lightning bugs. They always reminded her of happy times. She may be broken now, but she could heal. This world, this life, this kind, goofy, amazing man in the front seat- they were all teaching her to feel again. She was beginning to heal and maybe, not yet, but maybe… she could learn to love again.

Both men were completely oblivious to what was going on behind them. They were in full hunter mode. Zara smiled at them- her boys… her family doing what they do best. "But why are they following a pattern in the first place?" Sam asked. "Why go in order when they could just kill whoever they wanted to?"

"You think it's a trap?" Dean asked.

"Probably." Sam sighed. "It doesn't seem like they want to be found yet though. We've been all around this town and there's been nothing. Maybe we should head back- regroup."

Dean looked back at Zara to see if that was alright with her. She just nodded. "Yeah. Sounds like a plan." Dean turned around and started to head back to the motel.

* * *

"Hey, order some pizza." Dean told Sam as he crashed on the couch. "I'm hungry and _someone_ won't let us go out to eat." He cast a mock accusing glance at Zara.

"It's not my fault monsters are running around with your face, Muscles." Zara stuck her tongue out at him. The mood driving around in the car all day had been odd. Zara had been silent the whole time- trying to figure out whatever was happening between her and Dean. It felt nice to revert back to the usual joking banter that they were all used to.

"What toppings do you like?" Sam asked. The hotel phone was propped in between his head and his shoulder.

"Anything but fish." Zara answered. "Or pineapple. Why they put fruit on top of a savory pizza is beyond me."

Dean scoffed. "You don't like ham and pineapple? Everybody likes ham and pineapple!"

"Fruit is for the beginning and end of meals- salads and desserts." Zara proclaimed. "No one will convince me otherwise!"

"Good thing we don't usually order that then." Sam smirked. "Is meat lovers okay with you?" Zara nodded and Sam went back to ordering. "Yeah I'll take a large meat lovers…"

"So no fruit on pizza…" Dean mused. "Any other weird things?"

"I hate mangoes." Zara shrugged.

"What did mangoes ever do to you?"

"Nothing. They're just gross, but give me anything with apples in it and I'm your girl."

Dean tossed his hands up. "They're practically the same thing!"

"No they aren't!" Zara retorted. "They taste completely dif-"

She was interrupted by a knock at the door. All three of them were instantly on high alert. It was too soon for pizza and they weren't expecting anyone else. Dean motioned for Sam and Zara to go towards the window on the other side of the room and he inched towards the door- gun in hand. Sam started opening the window just in case. Thankfully they were only on the second floor. It wouldn't be too bad of a jump into the shrubs lining the back. Dean took a look out the peep hole and immediately turned around motioning for Sam to jump. "Five-O. Let's go!" He hissed.

They could hear the muffled yelling from behind the door. "Police! Open up!"

Sam took no time in slipping out the window and landing heavily on his feet. Zara looked quickly back at Dean before sitting on the ledge. "Don't worry. He'll catch you." He reassured her before she nodded and jumped out as well. Sam caught her quickly. Their duffels soon followed her out the window, but Dean still had to gather up some things that they had unpacked.

Sam handed her the lightest one and nudged her towards the wooded park that was across the street. "Run. Go to the far end and wait for us there. We'll be right behind."

"But-" Zara didn't just want to leave them there.

"Go!" Sam nudged her again.

Without another word, Zara sprinted off and was soon out of sight in the paths of the park. Dean's head poked out of the window and he threw the last duffel out before jumping as well. Just as he landed, the splintering of wood could be heard from within the room. Before they could follow Zara into the park however, they were surrounded by police cars. Dean cursed under his breath and they both dropped their duffels to raise their hands. "Did she get away?" He asked under his breath. The police men were out of the cars now and had guns trained on them. Dean automatically started counting guns. One, two, three… six. Really? Six? They really rolled out the red carpet for them this time.

"Yeah. She's in the park." Sam answered and Dean relaxed. At least she got away.

The Winchesters honestly would have probably just run away from these small town cops, but it seemed that this was the most action many of them had seen in years- considering the shaking hands. They didn't want to get shot just because a jumpy new guy got trigger happy.

"You have the right to remain silent…" Dean rolled his eyes as one of the cops railed off the Miranda Rights. He was an older man who looked fairly close to retirement. Dean was surprised that this much excitement didn't do the old man in. Another cop moved to cuff them. "Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in a court of law… You have the right to an attorney…"

Dean gave him a patient smile. "Yes, well, this is all just a big misunderstanding. It's a long story. You see there are these monsters…" Sam widened his eyes at Dean and would have kicked him if it wasn't for all the guns pointed at him.

"Cut the crap." The cop snapped. Maybe he was spryer than Dean thought. "You two are wanted for dozens of accounts of murder, assault, arson, and theft among others. It'll be good to see you behind bars."

"Like I said, it's a long story."

* * *

"Crap." Zara breathed. She had only made it into the cover of the trees before turning around to see if the Winchesters were following. Instead she found that they had been caught. Dean was giving them little condescending retorts while Sam was casting his eyes around for exits. His eyes locked onto hers in the brush. Zara started motioning. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Wait for us." Sam mouthed. "We'll be out by tomorrow."

Zara nodded. Of course she wasn't just going to wait for them without trying to get them out, but she couldn't tell him that. "Watch out for monsters." She mouthed back and pointed at the cops- letting him know that they could be anyone. That was all she could get to him before he was led into a car and they drove away- leaving Zara alone in the cold, winter air.


	26. Chapter 26

A/N Hey! Hope you like this chapter! Updated earlier today because I've gotta work. I have also posted two more oneshots on the Light Oneshots page if you wanted to go over there. Thank you to all of last chapter's reviewers: Morgan Elizabeth Jacobs, Aparajitha, chinaluv, Ladysunshine6, EmilyAnnGibbs-McGarrett, and Dirreth. All of you guys are the bestest!

* * *

_"Crap." Zara breathed. She had only made it into the cover of the trees before turning around to see if the Winchesters were following. Instead she found that they had been caught. Dean was giving them little condescending retorts while Sam was casting his eyes around for exits. His eyes locked onto hers in the brush. Zara started motioning. "What am I supposed to do?"_

_"Wait for us." Sam mouthed. "We'll be out by tomorrow."_

_Zara nodded. Of course she wasn't just going to wait for them without trying to get them out, but she couldn't tell him that. "Watch out for monsters." She mouthed back and pointed at the cops- letting him know that they could be anyone. That was all she could get to him before he was led into a car and they drove away- leaving Zara alone in the cold, winter air._

* * *

**Chapter 26**

"Where's the other one?" The cop questioning Dean just inside his cell asked.

Dean was getting tired of answering all these questions. It wasn't like they were going to believe him anyway. "What other one?"

"Your accomplice. Our informant said you were with a lady friend too. Where is she?" The expression on the old cop's face darkened. "Did you kill her too?"

"What? No!" Dean scoffed. "We weren't with anyone else."

"You know lying to a cop is a federal offence."

"No, I'm pretty sure I've used that one before. My genius brother said it isn't."

"Your basket case of a brother? He's been talking to himself ever since we put him in a cell."

Dean's eyes widened and he spoke lowly. "Don't you talk about my brother like that. He's the smartest person I know. He went to Stanford. He was going to be a lawyer."

"Looks like you messed him up good then." The cop walked back towards the door. "Maybe the crazy lawyer boy will give us more answers." The cop left Dean alone and he immediately started looking around for something to use to break out. Dean cursed as he finished searching every inch of the cell. There was nothing. They had taken everything useful away from him. He was going to have to rely on Sam getting himself together and getting the both of them out of there.

* * *

Zara took a deep breath before walking straight into the police station. The bored looking young cop at the service desk perked up when he saw her walk in. The plaque on the desk read Trystan Stiles. She would have smacked someone for looking her up and down like he was at the moment but she needed the distraction for what she was planning. Zara had put as much extra effort into her appearance as she could in a dingy park restroom, but it did the trick. Her short red dress and heels that were entirely inappropriate for winter weather set off her darker complexion nicely and it hugged all her curves in the right places. The dress combined with the makeup that highlighted her piercing golden eyes served their purpose to entirely distract Mr. Stiles from whatever he was doing at his desk.

"Why hello there darlin'. What can I do for you today?" He looked her up and down again before finally focusing on her face and giving a cocky smile.

Zara restrained the urge to give him a disgusted look and punch his lights out. Instead she gave him a seductive smile and sauntered over to him. "I heard you caught those vile murderers today." She leaned over and put her hand over his causally- though her face said otherwise. "Did you do it all by yourself?"

The cop's chest puffed up. "Well no it was actually a team of guys, but I cuffed up." He gave her a little laugh. "They were pretty dangerous looking."

"Oh no doubt." Zara egged him on. "I'm sure a strong man like you wasn't fazed at all though."

"Of course not. It's all just in a days work." Mr. Stiles shrugged. "You gotta be brave in this line of work."

"You don't think I could see them-" Zara glanced his name plaque. "… Trystan." She gave him a little smile.

Unfortunately, Trystan seemed to balk at the suggestion of breaking protocol. "Well I couldn't-" He took his hand out from under hers uncomfortably. "That's not typical procedure… What was your reason for coming in here?" He asked suspiciously.

Well that wasn't going to work. Zara quickly rethought her plan. She had to get into the back rooms somehow. She needed to at least get past him. She immediately threw on a victim persona. "I've come to report an assault."

The cop sighed before taking out a report paper. "On who?" He asked dully- pen poised above the paper.

"Me. I had a man try to rape me earlier tonight. I think that one of the men you have in custody might be one of them. Maybe I could look at them and tell you for sure?"

The cop automatically put the paper back in the drawer. He had stopped listening after the first few sentences. "Ma'am, with that body and what you're wearing I'm not surprised." Zara quirked her eyebrow at that. This man had ten seconds to take that back. "You look like you we're asking for it. You can't expect a man to..." Zara gave him a sarcastic smile as he continued speaking. Six… Seven… "Just forget about it. I don't want to have to fill out all that dumb paperwork for something like that." Eight… Nine… Ten.

"You idiotic piece of shit." Zara interrupted. "You need to be more serious about your job. Sexual assault is never the fault of the victim." His eyes widened and he didn't have the chance to reply before she punched him straight in the nose.

* * *

… So assault of a police officer wasn't exactly Zara's plan for getting thrown in jail. She grinned to herself as she sat on the cold metal bench in the cell. He did deserve it though and she did end up getting in. They even had forgotten to check if she had anything to hide. Zara took the lock picking kit out from underneath her dress and got to work on the door. This was almost too easy. A jiggling at the door made Zara quickly stop and throw her tools under the bench. The door opened to reveal Dean.

Zara jumped up and threw herself into Dean's arms- giving him a big hug. "Dean! How'd you get out?" She asked.

Dean drew her back gently so that he could see her face. "I didn't." He whispered. Zara watched in horror as Dean's face morphed into her own. Her own voice came out of the monster's mouth. "Why not have a little fun with Deanie before I eat him? Too bad you've been taken off the menu by the higher ups." The monster threw Zara across the room and she cracked her head hard on the far wall. "I'll be back for you, dearie. Ta!" The Leviathan gave her a taunting wave before closing the door behind her. Zara caught just a glimpse of a bloodstained office beyond before the door closed and she blacked out.

* * *

Dean was just about to call Balthazar for help when Zara opened the door to his cell. "What are you doing here?" He asked bewildered. He took a double take at the getup she was in. She definitely looked good in that dress but he didn't want to think about whatever she had to do to get in here based on those clothes. "I thought Sam told you to wait for us to get ourselves out."

"Well it doesn't look like you're doing a very good job of it right now." Zara smiled.

"You know where Sammy is?" Dean asked as he stood up and started to walk towards to door.

"Yeah. Other Sam is dealing with him right now." Dean's face clouded with confusion as he came to a stop in front of who he thought was Zara. "We should give them a few minutes. Don't you think?"

Crap. They were here. It was a trap. "Leviathan right? I haven't gotten the chance to kill one of you yet." Dean was thinking frantically. He didn't have any weapons and the monster, which was most likely ten times stronger than he was, was between him and the only door. _Balthazar! Get your feathery ass down here!_ He prayed. He hoped for all their sakes that the angel listened to him because it was likely that Zara was incapacitated somewhere. Oh God. He hoped she was just knocked out somewhere.

"But you couldn't hurt your poor, abused girlfriend now could you?" The monster Zara look-alike put on a little pouty face.

"But you're not her." Dean growled.

"Oh but I have her memories, Deanie. And let me tell you, it's a madhouse up here." Fake Zara stepped closer to Dean. "She's so confused- so broken inside. Honestly, you three really do make up quite the bunch- the insane, the victim," She leaned up to whisper into his ear. "-and the monster."

Dean didn't care what the Leviathan thought of him. Zara on the other hand deserved better treatment. "She's more than a victim." He tried to push past her but she just pushed him up against the far wall.

"Ah yes." Fake Zara's face was close to his as her held him against the wall. "She's so much more than that. So much untapped power running through her veins that she doesn't even know about yet. And oh! What's this? A bit of knowledge she shouldn't have in here too!" Dean tried kicking against her but she wouldn't budge. "Looks like you boys are going to be very naughty- especially you, Dean. Oh the things you will do- to your brother, to your pathetic excuse for a family, to the world." Dean's eyes widened. What would he do? What wasn't Zara telling him? "I can't believe she doesn't see you as anything more than a monster because that's what you are and that is what you'll become. You'll become even worse than the monsters you hunt."


	27. Chapter 27

A/N Hey! I'm out of town this weekend and writing this on Thursday so I'm not sure when you'll actually see this but whatever... Anywho, SUPER excited for the 200th next week! It's gonna be interesting for sure! AND the DW finale is this weekend too! Sorry... I'm supposed to be only talking about SPN. So, so sorry. :P WOW off topic today. Thank you to last chapter's reviewers: Ladysunshine6, chinaluv, EmilyAnnGibbs-McGarrett, and Morgan Elizabeth Jacobs. :)

* * *

_"Ah yes." Fake Zara's face was close to his as her held him against the wall. "She's so much more than that. So much untapped power running through her veins that she doesn't even know about yet. And oh! What's this? A bit of knowledge she shouldn't have in here too!" Dean tried kicking against her but she wouldn't budge. "Looks like you boys are going to be very naughty- especially you, Dean. Oh the things you will do- to your brother, to your pathetic excuse for a family, to the world." Dean's eyes widened. What would he do? What wasn't Zara telling him? "I can't believe she doesn't see you as anything more than a monster because that's what you are and that is what you'll become. You'll become even worse than the monsters you hunt."_

* * *

**Chapter 27**

Balthazar had just finished checking on the next person on his list when he felt the familiar tug of Zara's guardian sigil. Hers was connected to a similar sigil on his arm that twinged whenever one of his charges was in trouble. He immediately looked to where she was to assess the amount of danger she was in and whether it required his help. What he saw though was puzzling. Zara seemed to be in some room talking to Dean. While the older Winchester could be a pain at times, Balthazar knew that Dean would never do anything to hurt her. So why was he being alerted otherwise? He checked back once more. Now she was hugging him. Her sigil must have been scratched or something. That must have been the problem.

It wasn't until a few minutes later when Dean called out to him that Balthazar realized what was going on. He cursed under his breath. Why was he always failing at his job? It was the one thing he was supposed to be good at. Why couldn't he get it right?

Balthazar flew straight to Zara first and he found her passed out on the floor of a jail cell. He rushed over to her to assess her injuries. Her soul shined as bright as ever and she seemed fine other than a bruise on the head. He grimaced. While he hated leaving here there unprotected, it was probably the safest place for her to be while he rescued the idiotic brothers from whatever trouble they had gotten themselves into this time. He healed her injury but left her sleeping on the bed in the room. As soon as he closed the door, he put a ward around it so that he was the only one who could open it. Zara would be safe enough until then.

The adjacent police office was in shambles. Desks and papers were overthrown and littered everywhere. What looked like the remains of three police officers were among the wreckage and there was blood splattered up the walls. While the entire room was in disarray, it was eerily quiet. Balthazar slipped out his angel blade as he made his way to the room next to Zara's. He opened the door to see Sam tied up in a chair and being tortured by… Sam. It was easy for Balthazar to tell which Sam was actually the monster. The real Sam (the one in the chair) had a soul while the other one only had blackness. Fake Sam whirled around as soon as Balthazar walked in.

"Ah, I see I'm late. As usual." Balthazar waltzed over to the monster and smited him before it could even think about attacking. The body of the former Leviathan fell to the floor- its eyes burnt out. Balthazar then chopped its head off just in case it decided that smiting wasn't enough reason to stay dead.

"Thanks." Sam said as Balthazar cut Sam's ropes.

"The most thanks you can give me is to stop getting into situations like this." Balthazar answered sarcastically. "I'm not your babysitter. You're the most famous hunters in the country for Father's sake! Act like it."

"Sorry we don't live up to expectations. It's our main goal in life to impress you." Sam retorted as they both walked out of the room.

Balthazar motioned towards Zara's cell before heading the other way. "Just go guard that door like a good little boy." He said over his shoulder. "Zara's in there. Try not to mess this up." Sam gave him what Balthazar knew was probably his "bitch face" before huffing over to her door and leaning against the wall.

Balthazar paused at the next room. He could hear Dean talking to someone that sounded suspiciously like Zara… He burst into the room to see Dean being held up against the wall by Zara, but in the place of her brighter than normal soul there was only blackness. It was a jarring contrast from what he usually saw when he looked at her.

"Look who's joining the party." Fake Zara mused while still holding Dean against the wall with one hand. "It's the incompetent, second rate, petty excuse for a guardian angel." Balthazar made a move towards them but the Leviathan adjusted her hold on Dean's throat. "One more step, filth, and I'll rip his throat out and eat that while you watch."

Balthazar lowered his blade in a placating gesture. _Close your eyes._ He spoke into Dean's head. Dean blinked once before comprehending and slamming his eyes shut just as Balthazar showed his true form. The whole room flooded with white light and the Leviathan howled in pain. His angelic presence burned its flesh and by the time the light died down again, all that was left of the monster was a pile of ash.

"You came." Dean nodded at him. "Didn't think you'd listen to me."

"Well I couldn't very well let you get Zara killed on this failed hunt of yours." Balthazar snapped at him- his anger only just simmering beneath the surface.

"We had it under control." Balthazar paused at the idiotic comment and Dean cringed when he realized what he had just said.

Balthazar turned on him sharply. "AT WHAT POINT DID YOU HAVE IT UNDER CONTROL? HMM? Was it when you got all three of you arrested? Or when a Leviathan knocked Zara unconscious? Or when you let the Leviathans massacre the whole police force? Or was it when you here being held against the wall with one hand, two seconds from getting your throat ripped out? Did you have it under control then? Or do I need to remind you that YOU were the one who called for help? Under control my arse." Dean was about to answer but Balthazar continued. "You could have gotten all three of you killed today. If I wasn't seriously doubting your capability to keep Zara safe before this, I certainly am now. I will not hesitate to take her with me next time if I have to- to keep her safe."

"What if she doesn't want to go?" Dean asked lowly. He knew he was walking on thin ice already but it wasn't entirely Balthazar's choice. They had become an odd little family in the months that they had been together. She wouldn't want to just give that up.

"Are you asking that because you think you are the best person to protect her or because you love her?" Balthazar countered. His face softened a little. "I know you don't want her to leave, but we have to think about what is going to keep her safe, Dean. It is my job to put her first in _everything_\- before my happiness, my comfort, and my _life_. Your life is dangerous. You may love her, but do you love her enough to do what's best for her? Because I do."

Dean stood dumbfounded. Balthazar had put into words what he had been thinking about for quite some time. He didn't want to lose her but he wanted to keep her safe and he didn't know how to do both. "What do you know of love?"

Balthazar glared at him. "More than you would think." He motioned towards Zara's cell and broke the ward surrounding it. "Zara is two doors down. She will wake up in a few hours. If I ever find that you have lost this much control again, I will not hesitate in assuring Zara's safety. I hope that the next time I see you will be under better circumstances, Dean." He flew off in an angry huff leaving Dean behind.

* * *

Dean picked Zara up out of the car and carried her up the steps of the new house Bobby had just bought. Bobby had been busy earlier that week finding furnishings so when he walked in it already started to look like home. Dean laid Zara down on the bed in what Bobby had said was her room. He was worried that she still hadn't woken up from the angel induced sleep. They had left Lake Manitoc hours ago and she still hadn't even stirred. He tucked a blanket around her and smoothed a piece of hair out of her face.

What Balthazar said was still ringing in his ears. He had let the situation get out of hand and Zara was put in danger because of him. Both Dean and the angel knew that this life was dangerous but being in this life with him and his brother made it ten times more so. Being close to the Winchesters meant you were probably going to die. Mom, Jess, Pastor Jim, Dad, Adam, Ellen, Jo, Ash, Pamela, all of their friends, heck even their own little team had died… multiple times. It wasn't safe for her to be with them but at the same time, Dean couldn't bear the thought of her leaving.

Maybe that was why he was a monster. He selfishly kept the people he loved most in danger. He deluded himself into thinking that he was keeping them safe when he was actually sealing their fates. The Leviathan was right. He was even worse than the things that he hunted. _They_ killed for food, power, or revenge. _He_ killed by association. And he couldn't bring himself to stop because deep down, he was lonely and too selfish to do what was right for the people he loved. He really was a monster.

Dean moved to the door and looked back at her one more time. The moonlight from the window hit her face and gave her an unearthly beauty that left Dean breathless. She was so beautiful, so pure. She didn't deserve to get hurt by being close to him. He didn't deserve her kindness. She was an angel and he was a monster.


	28. Chapter 28

A/N So the 200th made me so freaking happy you have no idea. There was so many things that were so freaking perfect about that episode. I'm not going to spoil it but you can totally PM me if you wanna mutually scream about it. Thank you to all my faithful reviewers: Ladusunshine6, chinaluv, Morgan Elizabeth Jacobs, EmilyAnnGibbs-McGarrett, Sammy669, MaddieLB, and mamasam. Sorry, I'm so happy right now and I can't believe I'm actually going to subject all of you to the sadness that is this story. But as Dean says, "The show must go on." Also... I think Chuck would approve. :P Unfortunately like I said, this chapter is emotional whiplash in the view of last night's episode. This was painful to write... The next few chapters have been painful to write. I'm so, so sorry...

* * *

_What Balthazar said was still ringing in his ears. He had let the situation get out of hand and Zara was put in danger because of him. Both Dean and the angel knew that this life was dangerous but being in this life with him and his brother made it ten times more so. Being close to the Winchesters meant you were probably going to die. Mom, Jess, Pastor Jim, Dad, Adam, Ellen, Jo, Ash, Pamela, all of their friends, heck even their own little team had died… multiple times. It wasn't safe for her to be with them but at the same time, Dean couldn't bear the thought of her leaving._

_Maybe that was why he was a monster. He selfishly kept the people he loved most in danger. He deluded himself into thinking that he was keeping them safe when he was actually sealing their fates. The Leviathan was right. He was even worse than the things that he hunted. They killed for food, power, or revenge. He killed by association. And he couldn't bring himself to stop because deep down, he was lonely and too selfish to do what was right for the people he loved. He really was a monster._

_Dean moved to the door and looked back at her one more time. The moonlight from the window hit her face and gave her an unearthly beauty that left Dean breathless. She was so beautiful, so pure. She didn't deserve to get hurt by being close to him. He didn't deserve her kindness. She was an angel and he was a monster._

* * *

**Chapter 28**

It had only been a few days since the botched Leviathan hunt where Balthazar had to save all of their sorry asses, but Sam was already back at looking for another one. Honestly, Zara didn't mind that they were going back into it so quickly. She actually kind of wished Sam would be a little faster about it. Helping Bobby set up the house was alright and all but it wasn't exactly Zara's favorite thing to do. She was never really a homebody.

It would have been better if Dean hadn't been acting so strange recently. Ever since the last hunt, he had been avoiding her. When she tried to talk to him, he would only give her one word answers and wouldn't even look her in the eye. She had asked him several times what was wrong but he just said it was nothing. Maybe he just needed a little confidence boost. Maybe this next hunt would be good for all of them.

Zara had just finished putting all of the new Tupperware away when Sam walked in with his laptop in hand. She smiled when she saw his expression. She knew that face. That was a "we've got another hunt" face. "Where're we going?" She asked.

"It's not too far- Davenport, Iowa." Sam answered. "A bunch of people have been disappearing. They were all last seen fairly close to a suspicious looking abandoned warehouse. I thought it sounded at least like something we should check out."

"Sounds good…" Zara smiled and then realized that sounded bad. "… I mean- not good for those people, but good that we have another hunt. I think Dean needs something to put his mind on. These last few weeks have been rough."

Sam nodded. He'd been thinking the same thing. Dean _had_ been acting odd lately. "I think he just needs something to go right for once. Hopefully this hunt will help." After that, Zara went to pack their bags and Sam went out to where Dean was working on the Impala to tell him they were leaving.

* * *

"Hey, we've got a hunt." Sam shouted out to his brother who was under the hood of the Impala.

Dean's head popped up and he gave Sam a sad smile. "Alright. You and me can leave as soon as I clean up."

Sam furrowed his brow at his brother. "What do you mean? Zara's coming too." Dean was avoiding his gaze. "Dean. What's going on between you two? You were thick as thieves just a few days ago, but after the last hunt you've barely spoken to her."

"I… just don't think she should be here."

Sam scoffed. "She knows everything about us and isn't running away. She can hold her own in a fight. She is one of the only people nowadays that can genuinely make you smile. She's the best thing to happen to us since… since forever."

Dean finally met Sam's eye. "But are _we_ the best things for _her_?"

"What are you really getting at?"

Dean sighed. "Balthazar said that next time we get her into a situation that out of control again, he'll take her away to some place safer." Dean slammed down the hood of the car. "I was mad at him at first, but now I think I'm starting to agree with him… This life… _Our_ life is no place for her. She deserves better and I don't want to be the reason for her to get hurt." _I will not be the selfish monster._ Dean thought._ My feelings don't matter compared to her life. _"Maybe we should just tell her to get out now while she still has the chance- before anything _really_ bad happens."

Sam was silent for a moment. His brother was right, he knew, but he didn't entirely agree with him. Zara _could_ take care of herself. She had proved it time and time again. Not to mention that she was part of the family now. They couldn't just cast out part of their family. "It should be her choice. You shouldn't make that decision for her." Dean wasn't listening anymore though. He just huffed off into the house to gather his things.

* * *

"What are we dealing with?" Dean asked as they were driving down the highway. They were only a few minutes away from their destination.

"Well, there are several things that could be hiding out in that warehouse." Sam was scrolling through police reports. "And the warehouse is really just a hunch. It could be anywhere."

"We won't be getting in too late. We could check the warehouse out real quick before we head to the motel." Zara suggested.

"Or we could drop you off and Sam and I could go check it out." Dean countered. Sam shot him a look. He had convinced him to let Zara come, but Dean hadn't promised he'd include her in the action.

"Excuse me?" Zara raised her eyebrows at him. "Since when do I get left behind like some B rated Hollywood side chick?"

Dean sighed. He had already pulled off the highway and was turning into the motel parking lot. "Why don't we talk about this after we get our room? Shall we?"

* * *

"I don't understand why you don't want me to go!" Zara exclaimed as all three of them walked into the dingy motel room. Sam went straight to the bathroom- more to avoid their argument than anything else. "What exactly am I supposed to do here?"

"Research." Dean sighed. He threw his duffel and car keys onto a bed. "Please. It's just until we get a clue as to what we're dealing with here."

Zara was fed up with how Dean was acting. He would hardly acknowledge her when they were back at Bobby's but now he was trying to control her. He was going up and down like a rollercoaster and she was having none of it. Zara glanced at the car keys that were only a few feet away. If he wasn't going to let her go with them, she would just go without them. Before Dean could react, she grabbed the keys and rushed to the door.

Dean stared at her uncomprehendingly for a second and then his face darkened. "You aren't going out there by yourself." He said quietly.

Zara narrowed her eyes at him and opened the door. "Watch me." She stepped out and slammed the door behind her.

Dean stared at the closed door in shock as he heard the Impala start and drive away. That brought him to action. He started pounding on the bathroom door. He didn't believe that she could be being serious but the car was gone. She left. She left because of him. Dean cursed under his breath. Now she was going off in a strange town looking for monsters on her own. He had really blown it this time. All he was trying to do was protect her, but instead he was just pushing her away and into more danger.

He continued pounding on the door. "Sammy! We've gotta go! She actually left!"

Sam opened the door abruptly. "She what?!"

Dean looked lost. "I made her angry and she left with the Impala. We've gotta go find her before she actually gets herself in trouble."

"She ran off with the car and you let her?!" Sam asked as he threw on his coat.

"I didn't think she'd actually leave. I thought she was bluffing!"

"When is she ever bluffing, Dean?"

They left the room to see that she had, in fact, gone. The car was nowhere in sight. Dean cursed again. "Where is she headed?"

Sam's eyes widened. "Idon't know. The address was on my laptop… It's still in the car."

Dean's face paled to a ghostly white. "What have I done?"

* * *

Tears were blurring Zara's vision as she sped down the road towards her destination. Her initial anger had burned off into hurt and confusion. She didn't understand what had happened to Dean. Why had the past few days changed his attitude towards her so much? Maybe he just didn't want her there anymore. Maybe it was something she had done. Maybe she had mistaken whatever affection she thought he had had for her. Maybe… Whatever it was, he didn't seem to want her there. The realization of that hurt more than it should have.

The black mass of the warehouse loomed before her. Zara took a deep breath. One more hunt. One more hunt and then she would leave the boys alone and never bother them again. She could hunt solo. She knew how to take care of herself. Besides, they had the journal. They wouldn't need her anymore. Zara got out of the car and took her angel blade out of her jacket as she walked towards the warehouse. She could hear her phone buzzing in the car but she didn't care anymore. One more hunt and they wouldn't have to care either.


	29. Chapter 29

A/N Hey! Another Saturday, another update. I realize that a couple of you have submitted oneshot ideas. I haven't forgotten about them I promise. It just might take me some time to get to them. I lost my writing buffer a few chapters ago and so I've been trying to build that up again before I focus on oneshots.

Thank you to my reviewers: Ladysunshine6, chinaluv, EmilyAnnGibbs-McGarrett, icedragonfirebird, Sammie669, and mamasam. Y'all are amazing!

Sooo... this chapter was actually written several months ago and I just tweaked it to fit what was happening. I felt that it was time and that it kinda fit here somehow. You guys are so gonna kill me...

* * *

_Tears were blurring Zara's vision as she sped down the road towards her destination. Her initial anger had burned off into hurt and confusion. She didn't understand what had happened to Dean. Why had the past few days changed his attitude towards her so much? Maybe he just didn't want her there anymore. Maybe it was something she had done. Maybe she had mistaken whatever affection she thought he had had for her. Maybe… Whatever it was, he didn't seem to want her there. The realization of that hurt more than it should have._

_The black mass of the warehouse loomed before her. Zara took a deep breath. One more hunt. One more hunt and then she would leave the boys alone and never bother them again. She could hunt solo. She knew how to take care of herself. Besides, they had the journal. They wouldn't need her anymore. Zara got out of the car and took her angel blade out of her jacket as she walked towards the warehouse. She could hear her phone buzzing in the car but she didn't care anymore. One more hunt and they wouldn't have to care either._

* * *

**Chapter 29**

Zara opened her eyes to see the light filtering in through a bedroom window. She was lying in a bed and someone was pressed up behind her with his arm around her waist. Zara didn't dare to turn around and see that it was Sean. She couldn't bear to think that everything had been a dream. That couldn't be right... could it? Her mind raced. She didn't remember getting here. What had happened before this? She had been with Sam and Dean and they had been in some sort of fight… Zara tried to think but it only made her head hurt. The person behind her stirred and started to wake up. "Morning Princess." He mumbled before tightening his grip around her middle and giving her a little kiss on the back of her neck. Zara froze. That wasn't Sean's voice. It was Dean's.

"Morning." She barely squeaked out. What was happening? Why was Dean in bed with her? She had to admit it was nice, but this couldn't be happening. Dean let go of her, got out of bed, and went into the bathroom. As soon as the door was closed, Zara shot straight up in the bed. It appeared that she was in a house… like an honest to goodness real suburban house. She got out of bed and went over to the dresser. There were various odds and ends that one would find in any old home- loose change, keys, stray jewelry, and a photo. Zara blinked the rest of the sleep out of her eyes and gave the photo a double take. It was a picture of her and Dean… in wedding clothes? What the hell? She started breathing faster and stumbled back to sit on the bed in shock.

She heard the toilet flush and the door open behind her. Dean came over to her and touched her shoulder gently. "You okay?"

Zara looked up to him- her eyes as wide as saucers. "What's happening?"

Dean's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?" He reached up and nudged a strand of hair out of her face. Zara couldn't tell what was weirder- Dean acting so foreword or the fact that she seemed so perfectly comfortable with it. Granted, the gesture was odd, but she was okay with him doing it. It somehow felt… right. She knew for a fact that, had it been any other man, she would be freaking out right about now- a reflex from her abusive experience. But Dean? She could trust Dean. She knew he would never hurt her.

That didn't explain _why_ it was happening though. "We were on a hunt." Zara started. "We were hunting a… what were we hunting? I don't remember. But I got jumped and… and I woke up here. What is happening?" She asked again.

Dean chuckled. "Hunting? What? Like Bambi and his mother? I thought you hated killing wild animals. Must have been some weird sort of dream." He got up and started rifling through the clothes in the dresser.

Dean thought hunting was just wild animals? Something was seriously wrong here. Zara looked around some more. "Where's Sam?"

Dean stiffened. "Sam?" He turned around with a sad and concerned look on his face. "Honey, Sam died in a car crash last year. Don't you remember that?"

Zara decided to play along. "Right." She gave a faint apologetic smile. "Sorry." Dean turned around again and picked up a shirt to put on. "Where are you going?"

"The hospital. Remember?" His voice was muffled through the shirt he had over his head.

"For what?"

Dean adjusted the shirt and sat back on the bed. He smiled. "You've gotta be joking. You know 'what for.'" He lovingly put his hand on her slightly protruding belly and Zara stopped breathing. Dean looked lovingly into her eyes. "I know you're hoping for a girl but I'm excited to find out either way." Everything froze in place. All Zara could hear was the pounding of her heart which seemed to echo one word. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. She was pregnant.

* * *

"Zara! Zara!" Dean was shaking her. "Wake up! Come on!" The monster in the warehouse had turned out to be a Djinn. It had taken the Winchesters hours to find the right place and every minute Dean was imagining the horrors that were probably happening to Zara out there alone. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have underestimated her like that?

When they finally found the Impala parked outside, Dean breathed a sigh of relief. At least she was here… somewhere. Nothing could have prepared him to see her strung up and unconscious among the various other victims. The others were dead. The Djinn was now dead. Dean prayed that at least Zara was still alive.

"Come on! Please!" Dean pleaded with her. Just when he was about to despair that they had lost her to the Djinn induced dream world, her eyes began flutter and open. Her eyes locked onto his instantly. "Are you okay?" He asked. She didn't answer. Instead she looked down at her stomach and bit her lip. "Zara, are you okay?" Dean pressed.

"Y-yeah." She mumbled.

"I'm sorry." He hugged her to him. "I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. I should have insisted on going with you. I shouldn't have let you leave." He searched her face to see if she had understood anything he was saying. His gaze was only met by a faraway, sad expression. Whatever had happened in the last few hours, between them and by herself, apparently she didn't want to talk about it. That was okay. She had a right to be mad at him after what he had done. He would give her time.

Dean helped her up and they all went back to the Impala to begin the journey home. Zara was quiet the whole way back. She had curled her legs up against her chest, hugging them with her arms, and was looking out the window. She was trying to keep the hiccupping sobs as quiet as possible but a few escaped.

Sam looked back at her through the rearview mirror. "Are you okay?" He asked gently. Dean was lost in his own world of self loathing but brought himself out to hear her answer. She was all he really cared about.

Zara took a shuddering breath and tried in vain to compose herself. Between her and Dean's fight and the Djinn dream, she was decidedly _not_ okay. She wouldn't be okay for a while. The dream kept on playing through her mind again and again. "I-I… I need to get something at the store before we go home tonight. Alright?"

Sam nodded. "Sure, we'll stop on the way. What do you need?"

She just shook her head.

Dean cleared his throat a little. "Um, about that… uh, fight earlier-"

"Now's not the time, Dean." Zara cut in abruptly. "I don't want to talk about it."

Dean snapped his eyes back to the road. "Yeah." His voice cracked a little- betraying his emotions. "Yeah. Okay."

* * *

Zara sat on the floor of the locked bathroom clutching the pregnancy test. She knew that it had finished some time ago but she had covered the results window with her thumbs- refusing to look at it quite yet. The Djinn dream had made her realize something. She hadn't gotten her period in the two months that she had been there, which was abnormal for her. She had also been having weird cravings and odd emotional mood swings. She had mostly ignored these things- thinking that they could just be because of everything that had happened recently, but the dream had put the idea in her head and she just couldn't ignore it anymore.

Zara had always wanted kids. It was something that she had wanted even from the time that she was a young child. The day she found out she was pregnant with Sean's child last year was the happiest day of her life up until Sean found out. She never stopped hating him for making her abort her baby. It was then that she truly realized what a monster her former husband really was. She had cried for weeks after that incident and now… now, to even think that she might have a second chance was… it was so many things… exciting, amazing, wonderful… terrifying.

She couldn't imagine bringing a baby into this new world of monsters and mayhem, but she wasn't about to let anyone hurt her child. Not again. Not ever. She couldn't stay with the Winchesters though. Even before this hunt she had decided she was going to leave. This would just be another reason.

It didn't matter that Dean was pretending to care tonight after she got jumped. She knew how he really felt. Dean didn't want her. He definitely wouldn't want her there if she was pregnant. She held back a little sob. Just when she was beginning to feel again, something like this happens. How could she be so stupid to think that Dean would feel anything towards her? She just knew he couldn't see her as anything but broken, used, and worthless, but she thought he was the sun. It was Sean all over again and she couldn't be in another relationship like that. She promised herself she would never let herself do that again. She had to leave. She had to leave now.

She could go with Balthazar. He would protect her and if she was pregnant, he would protect her baby too. Everything would be okay. She would be okay. Zara took a deep breath and started to move her thumbs off of the window. She HAD to know. Zara steeled herself and looked at the test… there was a little plus sign. Her heartbeat started pounding in her ears again. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant.


	30. Chapter 30

A/N Hi! So that last chapter... heh no, the father isn't Dean. Lots of reviewers last chapter too: Dirreth, chinaluv, EmilyAnnGibbs-McGarrett, Morgan Elizabeth Jacobs, Ladysunshine6, TheLastNephalem, Sammy669, icedragonfirebird, MaddieLB, mk72, Shadowblaster99, mamasam, Sarah.B, and Aparajitha (did I forget anyone?). Thank you so much for all your support! You are why I keep writing.

Also, as you may or may not know, Thanksgiving is next week. Between family, finals, and working that whole week (gotta love retail right?), I can't really write. I will not be posting the week of Thanksgiving. That being said, there will still be a chapter posted this Saturday as well as a oneshot (a fluffy continuation of No Air). Not to mention the other oneshot (Sherlock crossover) I posted yesterday. I'm not leaving you completely hanging! You are welcome to save those up and read them in the meantime. I'll be back the week after :)

* * *

_It didn't matter that Dean was pretending to care tonight after she got jumped. She knew how he really felt. Dean didn't want her. He definitely wouldn't want her there if she was pregnant. She held back a little sob. Just when she was beginning to feel again, something like this happens. How could she be so stupid to think that Dean would feel anything towards her? She just knew he couldn't see her as anything but broken, used, and worthless, but she thought he was the sun. It was Sean all over again and she couldn't be in another relationship like that. She promised herself she would never let herself do that again. She had to leave. She had to leave now._

_She could go with Balthazar. He would protect her and if she was pregnant, he would protect her baby too. Everything would be okay. She would be okay. Zara took a deep breath and started to move her thumbs off of the window. She HAD to know. Zara steeled herself and looked at the test… there was a little plus sign. Her heartbeat started pounding in her ears again. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant._

* * *

**Chapter 30**

_Winchesters-_

_ I'm leaving with Balthazar. Please don't follow me. There are much more important things to be doing right now. I'm sorry I have caused you so much trouble. Stay safe._

_-Zara_

Zara placed the note she had written on the store receipt on top of her journal and put them on the nightstand. The boys would find it in the morning. She looked between the two sleeping boys- her family. Or at least, she enjoyed pretending to be part of their little family for a while. She didn't know how Sam would take it, but Dean would probably be relieved. She padded quietly to the door of the motel room- the same one she had stormed out of just hours before. So much had happened since then.

Zara paused and took one last look back at them. Despite everything, leaving Dean was going to be the hardest. He seemed so much younger and carefree when he was sleeping. Zara tried to memorize how he looked before tearing herself away and walking out the door. It hurt a lot more than she thought it would. He may have not cared that much, but she had opened herself up to him. She had let herself believe that she could love someone again- that she could love him. And now it was over. She had to do what was best for her and for her baby. Being in this life was reckless. And this wasn't just her being reckless with her own life anymore. This was being reckless with her child's as well. That above all was what gave Zara the resolve to walk away from that motel. She had made a promise and she was going to keep it.

Zara leaned against the Impala and looked up to the sky. "Bal." She whispered. "Balthazar, I need you."

Before she could say anything else, the angel appeared next to her. "What's wrong, Akele?"

Zara immediately pulled Balthazar into a crushing hug. She couldn't keep the tears in anymore. She needed some release for all of the emotions that were bottled up inside of her. Balthazar didn't ask any questions. He just put his arms around her and gave her a comforting squeeze. "Take me away." Zara whispered. "I need to leave." She stayed that way for a while, clutching Balthazar as if he were her anchor in the storm of emotions, and he let her. When she had finally calmed down, she noticed she was no longer cold. Zara opened her eyes and pulled away, she found that instead of standing in a cold and wet parking lot, they were in a large, cozy living room with a fire blazing in the fireplace.

Balthazar smiled sadly at her and let her go. "Ontario, Canada. Is that far enough away?"

Zara looked around in awe- the tears still drying on her face. The living room was positively massive with chandeliers hanging from the ceiling and couches everywhere. Opposite the fireplace was a large bar and a pool table. An opening on one end of the room revealed a large foyer with a spiral stair case. Another opening seemed to promise an enormous kitchen. It was the closest thing to a mansion Zara had ever been in.

"Welcome to my humble abode." He snapped a glass of wine and a mug of hot chocolate into his hands and handed the mug to her one to her.

"You… have a mansion." That was all Zara could manage as she sipped on her drink.

"Yes I do." Balthazar confirmed dryly. He sat on one of the plush red sofas. "But I doubt you called me to you just to admire my interior decorating."

Zara bit her lip. "No…" She sat on the sofa next to him. "I'm pregnant." She whispered as if saying it any louder would call Sean's wrath down on her.

Balthazar glanced down at her stomach for a second before meeting her eyes again. "Congratulations."

"Did you know?"

Balthazar sighed. "I realized it after I saved the three of you a few days ago."

"Did you tell Dean? Is that why he's been acting so strangely recently?"

Balthazar took a sip of his wine. "I would never tell anyone your secrets without your permission and I most definitely did not tell Dean. Has he been unkind to you?"

"He's been acting weird ever since that hunt." Zara sighed. "But I don't want to talk about him. My baby is what's important right now. I can't be with the Winchesters if I want it to be safe. I can't go through losing another child."

Balthazar put his wine glass down and pulled her into another hug. "And you won't. I will protect you. Nothing will happen to your child. I promise."

"Thank you. May I stay here?" She asked tentatively.

"Of course, Akele. You didn't even have to ask."

* * *

Balthazar showed Zara to a guest room and left her alone for a bit to get acquainted with the place while he got some things for her. She sat mindlessly on the plush bed. Everything that had happened to her in the last few hours was still reeling through her mind: Dean's moodiness, the hunt, the fight, her dream, the baby. It was all so much and it threatened to overwhelm her. Zara decided to focus on only one thing- her baby. It was what was most important right now. It was the only thing on her mind that didn't make her depressed.

Zara got up and looked at herself in the vanity mirror. She was only a couple months along, so she wasn't showing yet, but it made her happy just thinking about it. She splayed her hand over her stomach. She was going to have a baby. She was going to be a mother. Sean wouldn't be able to take this away from her. Not ever.

Zara smiled as she backed up and flopped onto the bed again. She let her thoughts drift from one thing to another for a while until she had a random thought. She wasn't human. Zara had frankly ignored the whole "Word of God hybrid" thing since she found out about it. It scared her. Being… not human was odd and frightening and life was just so much easier when she could pretend that that side of her didn't exist. Zara would have liked to continue ignoring it but she couldn't help but wonder what all of that meant for her baby.

"Balthazar?" She whispered into the quietness of the room.

The angel was there in a second. He paced over to the bed and sat criss cross apple sauce next to her head. Zara would have laughed about how ordinary and particularly unangelic he looked at that moment is she had been in a different mood. "What did you want to ask me?"

"What about the baby?" Zara asked as she stared up at the canopy that was above the bed. "I'm not fully human. Will it be like me? Will what I am harm it?"

"Ah." The angel tilted his head. "I honestly don't know."

"You don't…" Zara sighed. "That's real helpful, thanks."

Balthazar moved to lean against the pillows at the head of the bed. "Well I'd advise against using whatever power you have in relation to your… other half. I don't think using it would have many good side effects on the baby."

"I don't even know the first thing about how to use it in the first place and I don't really want to learn." Zara interrupted as she moved to sit next to him.

Balthazar nodded. He was frankly relieved to hear that Zara didn't want to learn about that part of herself. Last time she was forced to use her power (via crazed leviathan Cas), she almost died. However, he knew that eventually Zara would want to know about it and he didn't have nearly enough information to satisfy her. That information was to be given to him to relay to her when the time was right. Unfortunately, the guardian angels were wiped out before that could happen. A new plan began forming in Balthazar's mind. He knew where to get the information. The "Word of God" tablet was hidden Heaven somewhere. He just had to find it without getting caught. There were still those in Heaven who wanted to kill him for deserting after everything. It would be dangerous, but it would be worth it. Akele was more important than anything else.

Zara had fallen silent and was gazing at him questioningly while he thought about his new plan. "What are you thinking?"

Balthazar put on a carefree expression to hide his newly forming plan. "Oh nothing. Just thinking about the baby. Have you thought of a name yet?"

Zara gave a little laugh. "I don't even know what sex it is yet."

"May I?" Balthazar held up a hand and looked at her for permission. She nodded eagerly and he put his hand lightly against her stomach. "Do you want to know?" He retracted his hand.

"Of course!" Her eyes sparkled excitedly.

"Maybe I should keep it a secret." He smirked.

"Balthazar, if you don't tell me right now, I'll push you off this bed!" Zara tried to give him her best mean face. It didn't really work.

He leaned forward conspiratorially and whispered. "I see tutus in your future… or basketballs. You know, whatever she likes."

Zara smiled and tried to hold in a squeal. She had always kind of hoped it was a girl. Her first thought was that she should tell Dean, but she stopped herself. She couldn't tell Dean. She had left them. The Winchesters didn't need her in their lives.

Balthazar noticed the change in her mood. "What?" When Zara didn't answer, he knew. "Call them."

"I can't." She whispered.

"Why not? They have to be worrying about you. You've been gone for hours."

"They don't care about me, Balthazar."

Balthazar sighed. So this was the other reason for her coming to him crying last night. "That's complete and utter horse crap." He stated bluntly. "I've never seen those boys, particularly Dean, care about anything more than they care for you. You're a part of their family and you can't think for a moment that they don't want you there with them."

"Then why has Dean been acting like it?" Zara sighed. She really didn't want to be thinking about Dean right now but it was inevitable.

"That's something that only Dean can answer. Call him."

"I don't want to." Zara huffed.

"You're acting like a petulant child." Balthazar chided. "You are just going to be moping around here reliving lies until you and Dean work this out. Just call him for goodness sakes." Balthazar tossed her phone at her before he got up and headed towards her door. "Call him."

Zara sighed as she watched the angel leave her room. Balthazar may be right, but she was having so many emotions right now that she couldn't even begin to deal with Dean yet.


	31. Chapter 31

A/N Hi! This chapter is slightly longer than normal since there will be none posted next week. Enjoy family and have a Happy Thanksgiving!

I promise the action will pick up again soon enough. Zara's just feeling extra angsty these past few weeks, but we should give her a break. She IS pregnant after all. Anyways, big thank you to all of last chapter's reviewers: icedragonfirebird, chinaluv, Morgan Elizabeth Jacobs, EmilyAnnGibbs-McGarrett, Ladysunshine6, mamasam, and Aparajitha! :)

As I said last chapter, there are two new oneshots out so you can read those whenever you want to. The most recent one is super fluffy so you can get away from the angst :) I'll put a link to that page at the bottom... I think that's it. Enjoy!

* * *

_"They don't care about me, Balthazar."_

_Balthazar sighed. So this was the other reason for her coming to him crying last night. "That's complete and utter horse crap." He stated bluntly. "I've never seen those boys, particularly Dean, care about anything more than they care for you. You're a part of their family and you can't think for a moment that they don't want you there with them."_

_"Then why has Dean been acting like it?" Zara sighed. She really didn't want to be thinking about Dean right now but it was inevitable._

_"That's something that only Dean can answer. Call him."_

_"I don't want to." Zara huffed._

_"You're acting like a petulant child." Balthazar chided. "You are just going to be moping around here reliving lies until you and Dean work this out. Just call him for goodness sakes." Balthazar tossed her phone at her before he got up and headed towards her door. "Call him."_

* * *

**Chapter 31**

The first thing that Dean did as soon as he woke up was to check on Sam and Zara. It was always his first reaction upon waking up- drilled into him since childhood. Always protect his family. Sam was sleeping peacefully on the couch but Zara's bed looked untouched. She hadn't said anything to either of them once they had gotten back last night. Zara had locked herself in the bathroom and didn't come out. Dean automatically looked towards the bathroom to see if she had slept there instead. The door was open and the light was off.

Dean was out of bed in an instant. Where is she? _Where is she?_ **_Where is she?_** He searched the room frantically and then the parking lot and then he went and asked the motel manager. He didn't care if he was wearing nothing but his boxer shorts and a T-shirt. Zara was gone and it was all his fault. He rushed back to the room to get Sam to come help him but Sam was already up when he walked in. He was holding what looked like a note hastily scrawled on a receipt.

When Sam noticed his brother had walked in, he stormed over to him, threw the paper and pushed past him. "You happy now? You got what you wanted." He gave his brother a disappointed look before walking out of the door.

Dean picked up the crinkled paper that had fallen to the floor and read the note. Before he even got the chance to call Balthazar, the angel appeared- sitting on the bed farther from him. "What did you do now, Dean? Whatever you said to her has gotten her quite riled up." He said sarcastically.

All the anger and pain Dean felt went towards Balthazar in that moment. "You bring her back right now. You son of a bitch. We had a deal. You said you wouldn't take her-"

"Unless you let the situation get out of hand." Balthazar interrupted. "Which you have to admit, you did a fine job of _again_ last night. And put some clothes on." Balthazar snapped and Dean was fully clothed. "I didn't 'steal her away' last night. She asked me to take her."

That made Dean pause for a second. "Why?" He asked.

"I will not tell her secrets without her permission, but it is more than your little spat the other day. _You_ should ask her why she left. Give her a call." Balthazar said and then he disappeared.

* * *

Zara walked through the large empty kitchen in her PJ pants and a long sweater to get another cup of tea. Her hair was in yesterday's messy bun and whatever makeup she had been wearing was long gone. She didn't care that she had been doing nothing but Netflixing and sleeping for the past week. Zara felt like she owed herself. After all that had happened, she decided to just take a week off from everything.

Like every morning that she had been there, she pressed the voicemail button on her phone and let the messages play while the teapot was boiling. She didn't know why she did it. Maybe it was to torture herself. Maybe it was just to hear their voices again. But it had become routine. The automated voice started droning on…

*7 Saved Messages*

Zara, hey, it's me. *long pause* I'm sorry. This is all my fault. I was pushing you away to protect you. I thought the only way you'd be safe was far from our crazy life. I still think that, but I can't let you leave like this. I can't let our last real conversation be a fight. I can't bear thinking that you left because we didn't want you. We want you here, Zara. We- I just don't want you to get hurt. Please believe me. I don't want you to hate me. I don't want you to think that I don't care about you. I do. Let me tell you. Answer the phone. Please. **I miss you.**

*Beep*

Zara, me again. Balthazar told me to call you. I know you have your phone. Please, just… just answer. We need to talk. I was wrong to push you away. I was wrong in trying to control you. I was probably acting just as bad as Sean. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I only wanted you to be safe. I guess I got what I wanted… but that doesn't mean I'm happy about it. **I miss you.**

*Beep*

Hey. Please pick up the phone. It's been three days. At least let me know you're okay. **I miss you.**

*Beep*

ZARA! *crash* Oops… Heh… Sorry Bobby… I think I'm drunk. I don't know… yeah… yeah, I'm drunk. I read your note again today... Ya know? Leaving a note is a really cowardly thing to do. And you know what? I hate cowards. I can't stand someone who won't stand up and look me in the eye. They're worth nothing to me. And you know what? YOU CAN GO TO- *CRASH… cursing… groaning…* … I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I really… _really_ didn't mean that. I just wish you'd tell me why. Why won't you call back? I'm sorry. **I miss you. **

*Beep*

Hey Zara, It's Sam. Dean's passed out on the couch. I don't know what he said to you, but he probably didn't mean it. He's been really messed up since you left. He needs you here. We both need you here. Please… come home. Or at least call. Let us know you're okay.

*Beep*

Zara. Sorry for last night. I was more than a little drunk… I didn't mean what I said. I just wish you would call and tell us what's going on… I wanted to keep you safe, but I didn't want you to hate me. It's probably really selfish of me to say this, but I want you here. I need you here. Please. Come home. **I miss you.**

*Beep*

Zara, it's been almost a week. I know you are listening to these messages. I know it. Are you really that angry at me or is this about something else? Balthazar said this was something else. Tell me what it is. Just answer the damn phone! Please… just answer the phone. **I miss you.**

*Beep*

The last recording on the voicemail ended as Zara sat at the table clutching her cup of tea. She stared dully at the wall and took a sip of her drink. She had forgiven him after the second message… 5 days ago. Zara couldn't hold a grudge against him for long and frankly, she knew that her emotions that led to her leaving like that were unfounded. The Winchesters cared about her. There was no denying that.

**I miss you.**

Away from all of the emotions and turmoil that had aided her in her flight, she couldn't help but acknowledge that the Djinn dream was true, too. A life with Dean was what she wanted more than anything. She would have gladly stayed in that dream forever if she didn't know it was fake. Zara didn't want to admit it, but she had fallen in love with the crazy hunter and that "I miss you"… it told her everything she needed to know. She couldn't stay angry with him forever. She wasn't angry with him. She understood now that he was only trying to protect her. He didn't want her to get hurt like everyone else in his life.

**I miss you.**

She wanted to go back. He wanted her to come back. If only it was that simple… but it wasn't. There was a bigger, more important reason that she couldn't ignore. She didn't care about her own safety, but she couldn't put the life of her baby at risk.

**I miss you.**

She hadn't noticed when Balthazar had come in but he was sitting in the chair across from her at the kitchen table- looking at her curiously. "You've forgiven him. He obviously still thinks it's his fault you're here. Why don't you at least relieve him of his guilt? I'm tired of the headache his loud, angry prayers give me."

Zara sighed. They had had this conversation every time the angel caught her listening to the messages. "Because if I actually talk to him, he'll convince me to come back. I can't go back. I have to protect my baby."

"You need to at least tell him that. You owe it to him." Balthazar pinched the bridge of his nose- ignoring yet another angst ridden rant from a certain Winchester. "What are you really afraid of? That he'll make you get rid of it like Sean did? If you really think that little of Dean Winchester, you are mistaken. I may not think very highly of him, but I do know that he cares for you and would never do something like that to you. Ever. He would care for that baby as if she was his own." Zara tried to interrupt him but he held up a finger. "I also know your real reason for staying here is to protect her and I believe that Dean would agree with you. He would understand if you would just talk to him."

By now he was used to Zara ignoring what he had to say on the subject. Most of the time, Balthazar was off working on his newest project- finding the tablet. But every day he would come in at lunch and at night to check on her and maybe share a meal if she was hungry. Every day he would urge her to call Dean because he saw how unhappy she was without him. He didn't want her to be unhappy, even if Dean wasn't exactly his favorite human in the world. At least Dean could make her genuinely smile.

Balthazar got up and headed over to the newly stocked pantry. He didn't need to eat, and before Zara was here, he only used this house sparingly, but it was nice to actually put the place to use once in a while. He got out the ingredients to make grilled cheese sandwiches and started to heat up a pan. No one but Zara knew, but he liked to cook. It was one of the human things he seemed to be relatively good at and it felt nice to be useful sometimes.

Over the sound of sizzling bread, he could hear Zara's phone ringing. Balthazar impatiently tapped his spatula on the side of the pan- trying to weigh in his support of answering instead of letting it go to voicemail… again. The angel cast Zara a disapproving look over his shoulder when he heard the ringer end without an answer. Zara caught him looking at her and stuck her tongue out at him before pressing the voicemail button.

* * *

The receipt crinkled in Dean's hand. He couldn't believe he hadn't seen it before. It was right in front of him this entire time. Dean had probably read that note a hundred times and never once did he look at what was on the other side. Zara only bought one thing the night before she left. He hadn't given it much thought previously but now it made so much sense that it would have something to do with her running away. She had bought the one thing that made it all make sense- a pregnancy test.

Dean didn't know how long he had been sitting there just staring into space but it must have been a while since the sun had been up for a while now. Dean didn't remember going to bed. He couldn't remember the last time he slept. Without Zara around, Dean felt like he couldn't relax. It was amazing how one person could affect him so much.

Zara had told him about what Sean had done to her when he found out she was pregnant the first time. She wasn't going to let something like that happen ever again. Maybe she was afraid that Dean would force her to abort it. Frankly, considering how he had been acting recently, he wouldn't be surprised if she thought that. The fact that he was doing it to protect her didn't excuse being as bad as Sean.

He had to call her- to tell her that he was sorry, that he wasn't like Sean, that he would let her do whatever she felt was right. She wasn't going to answer. She never did. But Balthazar said she listened and that was all that mattered.

Dean reached over to his phone and pressed her speed dial. As the phone rang, his eyes drooped a little and he fought back a yawn. He hadn't slept in a long time. Dean needed sleep but he needed to talk to Zara more.

* * *

*1 New Message*

Hey, Zara. I looked at the note again… I mean I really looked. It was on your receipt from that night. I never asked what you bought but… it was a pregnancy test. You're pregnant aren't you? *long silence… sigh* Is this what all this is about? You don't think we- that I would want you if you had a baby? You couldn't be more wrong. Zara, please just call so we can talk about this. We need to talk about this… It's been ages... **I miss you.**

*Beep*

Balthazar placed the grilled cheese sandwich in front of Zara. She seemed frozen in a state of shock. "He knows. It looks like you don't have any excuses left, Akele."

* * *

Alright, enough angst. Here's some fluff to make it all better (Chapter 6- Your Happy End): s/10678988/1/Light-Oneshots


	32. Chapter 32

A/N Hi guys! I hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving (or at least those of you who celebrate it in America). The hiatus is over! :) I hope it wasn't too bad. I'm like 2 or 3 chapters ahead now so that's cool (and also essential if I'm going to keep up with posting twice a week).

A big thank you to all of my amazing reviewers: Morgan Elizabeth Jacobs, chinaluv, mamasam, EmilyAnnMcGarrett-Winchester (When did you change your name? Sorry I hadn't noticed before.), icedragonfirebird, Air Guitar Pixie (Thank you so much for that lovely comment.), AnnieMouse, and Sarah B.

Also, since the semester is almost over, I'm looking for some new fanfic to read. If you write any or know of any that you really like, I'd love to hear some suggestions. _Especially_ if you wrote them :) I think it'd be really cool to have mutual readership. I love SPN fanfic obviously (I can never get enough of it, hence why I started writing it), but I'm also into MARVEL (OMG YES PLEASE), Dr. Who, Sherlock, Arrow, The Hunger Games... there's probably a lot more. Just shoot me a PM or something if you have suggestions! :)

* * *

_*1 New Message*_

_Hey, Zara. I looked at the note again… I mean I really looked. It was on your receipt from that night. I never asked what you bought but… it was a pregnancy test. You're pregnant aren't you? *long silence… sigh* Is this what all this is about? You don't think we- that I would want you if you had a baby? You couldn't be more wrong. Zara, please just call so we can talk about this. We need to talk about this… It's been ages... **I miss you.**_

_*Beep*_

_Balthazar placed the grilled cheese sandwich in front of Zara. She seemed frozen in a state of shock. "He knows. It looks like you don't have any excuses left, Akele."_

* * *

**Chapter 32**

The dial tone droned in Zara's ear for what seemed like ages. Balthazar had left a little while ago and her grilled cheese sat still untouched on the plate. Zara got up and went to the large sliding glass doors in the kitchen that showed a breathtaking view of a lake farther down the mountain. At least she could look at something pretty while she faced this conversation. She was afraid that Dean wouldn't answer. It was what she deserved considering she ignored his calls for a week.

Zara sighed when she heard his voicemail. "This is Dean Winchester. If this is an emergency-" It cut off when he answered it. "…Hullo?" Dean's sleepy voice could be heard through the phone.

Zara smiled a little. That was her Dean. That was how she remembered him. "You must have been up real late last night if you're still sleeping at noon, Dean." She chided.

There was silence on the other line before she could hear him whisper unbelievingly. "Zara?"

"Hi." Zara said in a small voice. Now that she was actually talking to him, she was incredibly embarrassed at how she had acted- leaving without saying goodbye, not answering her phone… for a week.

"Oh my god. Where have you been? Are you okay? Why didn't you call?" The words tumbled out of his mouth faster than Zara thought was possible.

"I'm fine." Zara smiled at the concern in his voice. How could she ever think that he didn't care?

"I can't believe you actually called. I was beginning to think… to think that I'd never see you again. Why don't you come home?"

Zara bit her lip. "I- I can't."

There was a moment of silence before Dean spoke again. "Because of the baby? I'd never do what Sean did to you. You have to believe that."

"That's not the real reason I left. I need to keep her safe, Dean. You know what a hunter's life is like. I can't put her in danger like that."

"Oh." She knew he would probably be hurt by that comment. It was as if she was saying she didn't trust him to protect them, but in reality all the people around the Winchesters ended up dead. Her baby would not be one of them. He might not be too happy about it but he would agree with her in the end. His voice was a little strained the next time he spoke. "Her? It's a girl?" He was avoiding the bigger issue and she let him for now.

"Yeah." Zara smiled.

"Have you thought of a name?"

"I picked one out, but I don't want to tell anyone yet." Zara was always funny about names. Naming a thing made it more real- more breakable. She wasn't quite ready to share her with the world yet. When the name was still just a thought in her mind, she felt like she could keep her all to herself. No one else could know her child on such a profound level as Zara could, and she felt like that kept her safer for some reason.

"Right." Dean seemed to be at a loss for words. Now that he was able to talk to her he didn't have anything to say. Something just wasn't right. Their usual easy banter was gone and the uncomfortable silences seemed to stretch longer and longer.

"Dean, I'm sorry." Zara started. She probably should have led with that, but she hadn't had the courage before. "I'm sorry for getting angry and storming off. I'm sorry for making you worry. I'm sorry for running away without saying goodbye. I'm sorry that I can't come home. I'm sorry."

"Oh, Zara." Dean sighed. "It's alright. I just wish you would have talked to us about this before leaving. It would have made everything easier."

"I thought you would try to convince me to stay."

"Of course we would have tried. But we also understand what our life does to the people around us. I wouldn't have stopped you if you felt that leaving was your best option." It pained Dean to say it, but he knew it was his own selfishness that was putting her in danger. "It's partially my fault too. You probably would have done that if I hadn't been acting like such an uncaring ass."

Zara smirked a little. She couldn't stand the tension between them any longer. "You _were_ kinda acting like an ass." She said jokingly.

"Hee Haw." Dean brayed comically into the phone- making Zara laugh. "There's the Zara I know." He smiled. Dean had missed her laugh the most. "Sam doesn't think my jokes are funny."

"Your jokes aren't funny." Zara teased. "You're mistaking my groaning for laughter."

"Well maybe your sense of humor is just off." Dean mocked back. "Maybe I'll have to call you every day and subject you to my jokes until you learn the true finesse of my comedy."

"The horror!" She gasped and then both of them started laughing. It wasn't even that funny but it felt good just to laugh together again and neither of them wanted the happy moment to end. They cracked jokes for a few more minutes- making up for lost time in any way that they could. "Thanks for making me laugh again, muscles." Zara finally wheezed. "I really needed that."

"Yeah, me too."

Zara sighed again. No matter how much she wanted to stay on the line with him, she could also tell from his voice that he was exhausted. "I should go."

"Alright." Dean answered reluctantly. He knew that it wouldn't be the last time she would call. This wasn't goodbye forever like he dreaded. "Goodbye. Zara. **I miss you.**"

Zara smiled a little. There were those words again. He always ended his messages with that. And it didn't feel like a normal "I miss you." It felt like so much more. It was all of his emotions, desires, and dreams wrapped up in three words. It was "I miss you." And "I want you to be safe." And "I'm sorry." And "I'd do anything for you." It might not have been said, but Dean's "I miss you" held every characteristic of anyone else's "I love you."

Zara didn't feel right flippantly throwing those words back at him like they were nothing when they clearly meant something more to him. It made her think of what her mother would say to her father every time he would leave for work. "Stay safe." She would say it to him every day up until the say he was gunned down during a robbery. "Stay safe." It was what she would say to both Zara and her brother when they would leave to go anywhere. "Stay safe." Her mother said it to Brennon when he left for Afghanistan. "Stay safe." It was what she said to Zara when she was on her deathbed- dying from brain cancer. "Stay safe."

Those two words meant just as much, if not more, to Zara as "I miss you" did to Dean. She only ever said it to the people that meant the most to her. It was something sacred. It was one of the last things her mother gave to her. "Stay safe" was her mother's "I love you."

It only felt right that Zara would use her mother's words when her own failed her. "Stay safe, Dean."

* * *

A young man walked into his boss's large office. "Sir?" He asked tentatively. "We finally got an answer on the asset's phone."

Dick Roman quirked an eyebrow. It had been over a week since they lost track of the asset. "Did you get a location?"

"No, but it's only a matter of time." The young man shuffled uncomfortably. He knew that if his job wasn't done right, he'd get bibbed- which was a fancy term for forced self-cannibalism. Leviathans didn't mess around when it came to capital punishment. Fortunately, Dick seemed to be in a good mood today.

"Okay." Dick raised a hand to dismiss him.

"Uh, sir?"

"Yes?" He asked impatiently.

"The rumor from last night was confirmed. She is pregnant."

* * *

Azriel shifted uncomfortably under Balthazar's gaze. The younger angel hadn't known the other guardian angels before they were killed off, but he had heard stories about them. They were diligent, cunning, and fiercely loyal to the people they were charged to protect. They were also, unpredictable and the most human out of all of the angels. It was no wonder the Archangels felt the need to kill them.

However, Azriel had also heard about Balthazar- the worst of the guardians. His track record was decidedly sub par. How many charges had died under his care? -More than half most definitely. It was almost comical that out of all the guardians, he was the one to survive. That was before he sided with Castiel and helped ruin Heaven, too. Azriel knew that he would get into trouble for even talking to Balthazar but he had no other choice when he was at the wrong end of an angel blade.

"Do you have a death wish, Balthazar? Being in Heaven at all could get you killed, but going after a tablet? And not just any tablet, the first tablet? You must be insane." Azriel glanced nervously at the blade pointed at his chest.

"Probably." Balthazar shrugged. "You're too young to have known any of the guardians, but you must have heard about them. You know how we can get a little _intense_ when it comes to the ones we protect." He increased the pressure on his blade.

"You're still taking charges?" Azriel scoffed. "-With your track record?"

Balthazar gritted his teeth. "I knew angels were gossips. Though, I always underestimated their tendency towards telling and believing vicious lies." He spoke lowly- only just keeping his anger in check. "Do not lie to me Azriel. Where do they keep the tablet?"

The younger angel panicked when he felt the blade pierce his vessel and he could see white grace spilling out. "The tablet is probably in the inner vault." He said hastily.

"Thank you." Balthazar smirked and he pushed the blade the rest of the way into the angel's chest. "Now was that so hard?"


	33. Chapter 33

A/N Hey! Time for another chapter. :) There's not a ton of action in it... but I think you'll still like it. Thank you to all of last chapter's reviewers: Thegirlwhowaited24601, chinaluv, icedragonfirebird, EmilyAnnMcGarrett-Winchester, Dirreth, Air Guitar Pixie, mamasam, and Ladysunshine6! Also, thank you to those of you who sent me story suggestions! I really enjoyed reading them! I'm still looking for more. So if you have any, just shoot me a line. :)

* * *

_A young man walked into his boss's large office. "Sir?" He asked tentatively. "We finally got an answer on the asset's phone."_

_Dick Roman quirked an eyebrow. It had been over a week since they lost track of the asset. "Did you get a location?"_

_"No, but it's only a matter of time." The young man shuffled uncomfortably. He knew that if his job wasn't done right, he'd get bibbed- which was a fancy term for forced self-cannibalism. Leviathans didn't mess around when it came to capital punishment. Fortunately, Dick seemed to be in a good mood today._

_"Okay." Dick raised a hand to dismiss him._

_"Uh, sir?"_

_"Yes?" He asked impatiently._

_"The rumor from last night was confirmed. She is pregnant."_

* * *

**Chapter 33**

"So, I have a question, and you don't have to answer if you don't want to." Dean started.

Zara had a feeling that she knew what the question was going to be. They had been talking on the phone every couple days and he had been skirting around the issue. "Shoot."

Dean took a breath before he asked. "Who's the father?"

Ah- the million dollar question. "Sean." She stated matter-of-factly.

"What?!" He exclaimed unbelievingly.

Obviously he was going to need more explanation than that. "One, I don't cheat. Two, apparently you haven't heard of the honeymoon stage in the cycle of abuse. 'Cause that's a thing."

"I just can't believe that after everything he did to you…"

"I don't expect you to understand, Dean." She said bitterly.

"But I'm trying to." He offered.

Zara sighed as she tried to pull her words together. Of course her reasoning in staying with her abusive husband was faulty, but it didn't seem that way at the time. "Whenever he realized I was about to leave him, Sean would change. He would turn nice again. He would shower me with gifts and compliments and for those few short days, I could pretend that the old Sean was back. I always knew that it would end. He would eventually revert back to being a monster, but those little times gave me hope- ya know? It always made me think that, if I stayed for the long haul, I could change him."

"But people don't change."

"I know that!" Zara snapped at him irritably. "Away from everything, it all makes sense. I know I wasn't thinking straight. But in the moment, it's not so clear."

"I guess I get that." Dean conceded. "I just can't believe you would actually…" He trailed off.

Zara snorted at his unwillingness to say it out loud. "I think it's funny you find it so hard to believe that I had sex with _my husband_."

"-Who was also an abusive asshole."

Zara sighed. "Would it really have been better if I was sleeping around behind his back?"

"No, I guess not." Dean didn't know exactly how he felt about all that. It just felt so wrong. Dean let out a long breath. "So the baby is Sean's."

"**No**." Zara said quickly. "Sean may have been the father of my child, but he has no claim over her whatsoever. He lost that right when he shot me in that cemetery. Whoever my child eventually calls 'father' will have earned it."

"Then I guess I have my work cut out for me." He said seriously.

Tears pricked Zara's eyes when she realized what he was saying. She had kind of hoped he would feel that way, but to hear him say it… "Dean…" She breathed.

He quickly amended it- thinking he had overstepped his bounds. "I mean, if you'll have me."

"Of course, Dean. You've already earned it. If you want the title, it's yours." She said seriously.

"Really? I'm not sure I know much about being a dad." He trailed off uncertainly.

"You are the most qualified person I know. You're brave and loyal. You would give up everything for your family. Don't forget that I actually know your life story, Dean. I know that you were the one who really raised Sam, and he turned out great."

"I… wow." Dean paused- thinking about everything that that meant. "I'm honored." He said reverently.

"I couldn't think of anyone better than you, Dean."

"Does that mean I get to know her name now?"

Zara thought about it for a minute. Sharing her name with anyone else didn't feel right to her quite yet, but not so with Dean. He was going to be her father figure. He deserved to know before anyone else. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Her name is Alicia Grace."

"Alicia Grace." Dean said it out loud- trying it out. "Alicia Grace… Winchester?"

Zara laughed. "Really?"

"Well I don't know your maiden name and she shouldn't have Sean's. Do you want her to have yours?" He offered.

"No, Alicia McGuillicuddy just sounds weird. Winchester fits just fine." Zara agreed.

"I like that." Dean smiled. "Your last name is McGuillicuddy? Really? That's a mouthful."

"Imagine learning to say it when you were 3." Zara laughed.

"Zara McGuillicuddy... Well we really need to change that. Zara Winchester sounds so much better. You _are_ part of the family. You ought to have the name as well." Dean reasoned.

"Zara Winchester?" She smiled. It only felt right after all. "Might as well make it a matched set I guess." Zara agreed. They both left the obvious implications unsaid but wholly felt. For some reason talking about being parents together was so much easier than facing their own feelings.

"So when are you coming home so I can see little Winchester and mommy Winchester?" He asked- still smiling that she accepted his name. It was a little thing, but it made him really happy.

"I was thinking once everything calms down with the Leviathans. We should be pretty close to getting the bunker key by then and that thing is the safest place on earth." It felt good to talk about coming back, even if it was a while from now. Zara knew she couldn't live in Balthazar's house for too long without going stir crazy and she needed her boys again.

"And when does that happen?"

"I don't really know. It's sometime Season 8. Predicting the future isn't an exact science for me."

"Season 8." Dean scoffed. "That's still weird. I'm not gonna lie."

"Shut up." Zara teased. "You know it's easier for me to organize it that way. Anyway, your life has been written up in book form. It's not much different."

"Doesn't mean it's not creepy…"

* * *

"Alright, **I miss you**." Dean got off of the phone to see Sam grinning at him. "What?" He asked self-consciously.

"You miss her…"

"I- yeah…" Dean mumbled. "We both miss her."

"No that 'I miss you' isn't the same. You love her." Sam grinned when he saw Dean turn away- hiding his face.

"I-" He tried to deny it but Sam cut him off.

"You do."

After a moment of indecision, Dean decided it was no use. He couldn't hide anything from his brother. "I do.

"Good." Sam encouraged him. It was nice to see some sort of positivity in their lives. "She really seems to make you happy."

Of course Lucifer couldn't let Sam be happy for his brother for long though. "How much you wana bet she'll die within the year, eh Sammy?" He started whispering into his ear as if he was telling Sam an amazing secret. "You Winchesters have a reputation to uphold. How long did any of your girlfriends last? One year? Maybe two? It's only a matter of time. You know, I think I'd wager half of Hell that she'll last four months, five tops…"

* * *

"It's been a week, Jackson. How come you still don't know where the call is coming from?" Dick Roman walked around his desk to lean against it right in front of his now least favorite IT guy.

"I-I there's some sort of angelic scrambling signal. I don't know how to get around it." He stuttered.

Dick gave him a tight lipped smile. "Jackson, I had high hopes for you. But here at Roman Enterprises, we pride ourselves in progress. Does it sound like you're making progress?" Jackson shook his head. "No? Well then I guess you see why I'm going to have to let you go."

"I'm sorry sir. It won't happen again." Jackson fell to the floor- begging. "Please sir, if you would just give me another chance."

Dick looked down at him distastefully before motioning to his secretary who was standing in the corner. "Bib him." He went back to sit in his chair while the secretary tied a large plastic bib with the picture of a lobster around the IT guy's neck. "Like I said, Jackson, I like progress and you're just not cutting it."

Jackson's eyes filled with fear as he started to feel the cursed object begin to work on him. It was only a matter of time until nothing was left but the bib lying haphazardly on the ground.

Dick looked back up at his secretary. "Pick that up and then tell Ms. Bradbury to come up from IT. I have some things to discuss with her."

* * *

"So you want me to track a cell phone?" The redhead asked. Charlie Bradbury had just been a regular IT girl- minding her own business for the most part. Well, if slightly illegal cyber hacking counted as minding your own business. She didn't understand why she was sitting in the office of the head of Roman Enterprises. "Mind if I ask why?"

"One of my opponents has stolen an important piece of equipment from me. I want to know where she is so that I can… persuade her to give it back." Dick sighed inwardly. Working with humans was so tedious. They had so many questions and were tricky to deal with- especially if he was going to keep her in the dark about things. It would have been easier to get one of his Leviathans to do it, but none of them were capable enough. Charlie Bradbury had a gift that was impossible to copy- like Zara. He handed her the file that Jackson had compiled on the case. "You have a week."


	34. Chapter 34

A/N Alright guys, are you ready for mini hellatus? Cause I'm sure not. Ahhh... Dean. Cas. Sam. Crowley. And all the THINGS. My poor babies... Sorry. I'll stop. JUST LIKE THAT EPISODE DID BEFORE ANYTHING HAPPENED. :P I'm doing a series rewatch during hellatus as a Christmas present to myself. :) What will y'all be doing?

Anywho, thank you to all of my lovely reviewers: Ladysunshine6, Morgan Elizabeth Jacobs, EmilyAnnMcGarrett-Winchester, Thegirlwhowaited24601, icedragonfirebird, Maros-song, Aparajitha, Dirreth, Air Guitar Pixie, mamasam, and Guest!

It's a little different chapter today. It's hopefully a bit of a break from the combined angst in the story and the show currently. Here be have Balthazar's backstory :) Also, the symbols I mentioned are posted on my tumblr plus a bonus one that belongs to a future guardian angel who has yet to be named. I'm honestly thinking about doing a "Pre-Zara" Balthazar story after this one finishes cause there are **definitely** not enough fics about him out there... What do you think?

* * *

_"Probably." Balthazar shrugged. "You're too young to have known any of the guardians, but you must have heard about them. You know how we can get a little intense when it comes to the ones we protect." He increased the pressure on his blade._

_"You're still taking charges?" Azriel scoffed. "-With your track record?"_

_Balthazar gritted his teeth. "I knew angels were gossips. Though, I always underestimated their tendency towards telling and believing vicious lies." He spoke lowly- only just keeping his anger in check. "Do not lie to me Azriel. Where do they keep the tablet?"_

_The younger angel panicked when he felt the blade pierce his vessel and he could see white grace spilling out. "The tablet is probably in the inner vault." He said hastily._

_"Thank you." Balthazar smirked and he pushed the blade the rest of the way into the angel's chest. "Now was that so hard?"_

* * *

**Chapter 34**

Balthazar appeared in the living room and stumbled over to the bar- breathlessly. Maybe a drink would calm his still racing nerves. It had been a narrow escape from Heaven this time. An angel had recognized him and sent guards after him.

But it was all worth it. Now he had the information he needed. Azriel was right. The tablet was in the inner vaults. He had seen it but he wasn't able to get to it without getting caught. It was much more heavily guarded than he thought it would be. He would have to plan out his thievery carefully.

Balthazar sighed. It was one thing for him to be in Heaven at all considering his reputation with the angels, but it was ten times worse to be caught snooping around in the more important vaults uninvited. Getting this thing and avoiding being thrown into Heaven's prison was going to be difficult. But he knew that every second the angels had it, they would be closer to learning about Zara and using the tablet against her. If "Godstiel" had taught him anything, it was that angels could never be trusted- especially with someone as special as Zara. She could be a very powerful asset to those who knew how to use her power against her. He had to get to the tablet before they even knew they needed it.

"Bal?" Zara asked as she walked into the living room. "You're back early."

Balthazar spun around to face Zara- trying to mask the lingering fear in his eyes. "I thought I'd get carry out." He snapped and a bag of Chinese food appeared on the counter.

Zara looked closer at him. He was leaning on the bar with a carefree expression but something in his eyes betrayed him. "Are you okay? You seem tense."

"I'm fine." He insisted.

She sighed and grabbed her Lo Mein from the bag. "Someday, I'm going to get you to tell me what you're doing."

Balthazar hesitated. He probably shouldn't hide what he was doing from her, but he knew she wouldn't want him to be risking his life. It was better if she didn't worry about it. "I'll tell you anything you want to know- except that."

"Fine." Zara smiled. "Tell me about being a guardian. What was it like? What happened to all of the others? How did it end up being only you?"

"Well that is quite a long story…" Balthazar trailed off.

"Do you have a hot date you need to run off to?" She asked sarcastically as she sat on one of the red couches. Zara had been hoping to learn more about Balthazar's past. He had always been an interesting character in the show but now he was so much more and she wanted to know what his real story was.

"Fine." He conceded and walked over to sit next to her. "You know, you're really ruining my love life." He winked at her. "Am I going to have to deal with interruptions as usual?"

Zara smirked. She did have a tendency to interrupt when he was telling her something important. "I'll try to keep it to a minimum."

"Alright." Balthazar thought back. It had been a very different time from now. He had had everything: a purpose, a garrison, a love. All of that was taken away from him. He took a deep breath before starting into his story. "Before you, I had had many charges… 487 if my count is right."

"Did you have anyone famous? Anyone I would know?" Zara asked.

_Interruption number one_ Balthazar thought humorously. "Ahm… Michelangelo- he was an arse. Beethoven. Marilyn Monroe- now she was an interesting character… I had many hunters and the like as well- although most were less well known. You probably know of Amelia Earhart, though. She was a hunter, but I didn't watch over her. Mishael did. The poor sods… that was a nasty aerial battle."

Balthazar started to get on a roll. "Anyway, I was fairly well known for keeping my charges safe and I hardly ever lost anyone. As always however, there are a few exceptions to the rule. Back in the early 1800's, I was watching over a particularly reckless hunter by the name of Rachel. It was going to be hard enough to protect her, but for some reason, my supervisor, Titus, decided he was in love with her. In those days, it wasn't unheard of. Being guardians and working so closely with humans makes it much more likely for that to happen, but it was still frowned upon. So Titus resisted falling and instead took to following me around to make sure I was doing my job right."

"Why couldn't he just switch assignments with you?" Zara asked.

_Interruption number two._ "Remember the guardian sigils?" Balthazar pointed to the circular marking on his wrist that corresponded with the one on Zara's back. Underneath that was another triangular symbol that Zara didn't recognize in the same style. "That circle is _my_ guardian sigil. Once a person is marked, it cannot be transferred. He-"

"So everyone you've watched has had the same tattoo? I have a matching tattoo with Marilyn Monroe and Michelangelo?"

_Number three_. "No, most of them didn't even know I was there. They had it carved into their ribs."

"I see." Balthazar paused to see if she had any more questions, but she motioned to him. "Titus was micromanaging you…"

"Yes, well obviously that made my job ten times harder. He was constantly calling me up to heaven and berating me for letting her get into danger for one thing or another."

"She was a hunter. Danger is part of the job. What were you really supposed to do?"

_Number four._ "Exactly. It was during one of these meetings with him that I felt that Rachel was in danger. I got to her just in time to watch her get possessed by a very powerful demon. I tried everything, but there was nothing else I could do. I put her out of her misery and let her soul find peace. If I hadn't been with Titus, I could have gotten there in time to save her." Balthazar fell silent for a second- remembering everything from that day.

"That's terrible." Zara murmured.

"It was. I hadn't lost someone to a demon in nearly 200 years. And as if to add insult to injury, Titus placed all of the blame on me. He was so convinced that I lost his love on purpose just to spite him and so he sabotaged my work whenever possible. I lost ten people in the course of six years. Instead of being known for keeping my people safe, I was labeled as the cursed guardian- a mockery of the great order. Titus spread rumors that I had lost more than half of my charges and the garrison was just covering it up. He ruined my reputation with the host and made me a virtual pariah within my garrison. Even now, I am known as the worst of the guardians."

"What did you do?"

_Five._ "I killed him." Balthazar smirked with a vengeful glint in his eyes.

"Oh." It was times like these that Zara remembered that her sarcastic and sweet guardian angel was also a powerful celestial being capable of killing hundreds in a blink of an eye if he so wished.

The malice in his eyes quickly disappeared when he noticed his attitude was making her uncomfortable. He continued on with his story. "Of course, that didn't make it any easier with my garrison. The only angel who sided with me was Ari'el."

"The Winchester's guardian?"

_Six… Why did he even bother counting the interruptions anymore?_ "Yes. She was upset with the management of heaven as well. The Winchester family should have had at least two if not three angels watching over them. Instead, it was only her. She was sick of her pleas for more support being ignored and she stopped caring altogether. We often joked that I would finish one more assignment and then we would both desert."

Something in the way Balthazar talked about her gave Zara the impression that it was more than just comrades in arms. There was memory and loss in his voice when he talked of her. "Were you in love with her?" Zara asked.

Balthazar looked away from her for a second. The pain of losing her had been blindingly painful and even years later the empty aching feeling still remained. Ari'el had been his everything. She was the only one who would listen to him and stayed with him after everyone else wrote him off as a failure. She was kind and funny and incredibly protective of the ones she cared about. "Yes." Balthazar whispered. He turned back to her but the sadness in his eyes didn't leave. "As much as angels are capable of love I guess. We even marked each other with our sigils so that we would know if the other was in danger." He motioned to the tirangular marking on his arm. "One day, something set Ari'el off. She made me promise that my current charge would be my last and then we would leave- for good. This time, she was serious. I never found out what made her get so anxious, but I think she heard rumors that the Archangels were jump starting the apocalypse. Of course, I agreed. That was right after I got your assignment."

"So I'm from here?"

"Well, yes and no. You were originally supposed to come here, but ever since Titus, I took to placing my charges in less accessible places if I got the choice. I became very good at 'dimension hopping' through the years. As soon as I saw your case and knew what you were- well I knew that here would be the most dangerous place to put you. I took you to a world with the least amount of magic and the supernatural as possible."

Balthazar paused and his face filled with shame and grief. "I was going to stay with you for your whole life- like we're supposed to… I really was, but Ari'el died. Because of the sigils, I could feel everything she was feeling. I could feel her grace flickering out and her wings burning to ash. I could feel it like a fire going through my very core, and then when it burned out, there was nothing but an empty void. I had experienced human deaths hundreds of times, but the feeling of losing her was like nothing else. After her, the rest of my garrison fell at the hands of the Archangels. I didn't feel like there was any purpose in life anymore. So I ran and hid like a coward. I left you there, and for that- I am extremely sorry. It's my fault you had the life that you did. It's my fault you stayed with Sean for so long, and I'm so… so sorry."

"Oh, Balthazar. That wasn't your fault. That's life. I should have left Sean the first time he hit me. It wasn't anyone's fault but my own." Zara assured him. She didn't blame him for anything. Who wouldn't check out of life for a while after all that?

Balthazar gave her a tight lipped smile. "I'm trying to make up for it now. I'll do right by you, Akele. I promise."

"Is this why you're being reckless and snooping around in Heaven? You said you had to find something. Is it for me?" Zara asked.

Balthazar tilted his head at her. "Was all this to get me to tell you what I'm doing?"

Zara smiled. "No, but it worked."

"If you must know, yes, it is for you." Balthazar added.

She bit her lip. "I don't want you to be putting yourself in danger like that just for me."

"Just one more time and then I'll stop. I promise." He assured her. It was all he needed anyway. He knew where it was. He knew how it was guarded. Now, it was time to grab it. He pulled her into a hug. "Thank you for asking. No one's cared enough to ask my side of things before."


	35. Chapter 35

A/N Hi! Thank you to all my reviewers: chinaluv, icedragonfirebird, Avalonemyst, mamasam, TheLastNephalem, Air Guitar Pixie, and Sarah.B! All of you are amazing and I wouldn't have been able to do this without you. Last chapter also got this story past 20k views! So thank you so much!

So without trying to give too much away for those who may have not watched the end of season 9 (there aren't many right?), remember when a certain two angels were in heaven and the walls suddenly crashed down and they were... somewhere else? I'm using the same sort of thing here. Hopefully that wasn't too confusing. Heaven is a magical place...

* * *

_Balthazar gave her a tight lipped smile. "I'm trying to make up for it now. I'll do right by you, Akele. I promise."_

_"Is this why you're being reckless and snooping around in Heaven? You said you had to find something. Is it for me?" Zara asked._

_Balthazar tilted his head at her. "Was all this to get me to tell you what I'm doing?"_

_Zara smiled. "No, but it worked."_

_"If you must know, yes, it is for you." Balthazar added._

_She bit her lip. "I don't want you to be putting yourself in danger like that just for me."_

_"Just one more time and then I'll stop. I promise." He assured her. It was all he needed anyway. He knew where it was. He knew how it was guarded. Now, it was time to grab it. He pulled her into a hug. "Thank you for asking. No one's cared enough to ask my side of things before."_

* * *

**Chapter 35**

Balthazar couldn't have had a more thought out plan. He had mapped out where he was going to go, the exact timing of everything so that no one would even know he had been there, everything. And he had come so close, too. He could see the etchings on the old stone tablet. He had just barely touched the weathered surface. Then suddenly, the walls of heaven's dungeons crashed down around him and he was no longer in the vault, but in the prison.

What had gone wrong? What had Balthazar not accounted for? The thought of an annoying little angel popped into his head and Balthazar cursed colorfully under his breath. Azriel was a damn decoy. Balthazar would have killed the angel if he hadn't already done it days ago. Never once did he consider that Azriel had been luring him into a trap. Then again, Balthazar had always been too trusting.

The angel kicked the door angrily. He had been so sure that everything was going to work out that he hadn't even said goodbye. It was happening all over again. Balthazar messed up and left Zara alone and now he couldn't even explain why. How could he be so stupid? Everything good that Balthazar had ever tried to do fell to pieces. He couldn't tell if it was because the world was broken or he was.

Balthazar had already been gone longer than normal. He could feel Zara begin to worry even now. The link to his charges gave him the ability to feel everything they felt, and since the cell efficiently blocked everything but that out, it was even more noticeable than usual. He wondered if that was on purpose as some sort of torture- to feel every prayer and distress of the one person he was supposed to protect and yet not be able to get to her. It would drive him mad for sure if he didn't do something.

Balthazar leaned against the wall of his cell- thinking. He wasn't going to leave Zara alone out there. That wasn't an option. No matter how long it took, he would get back to her somehow. He began examining the cell walls. The usual warding spells had been cast upon it, but Balthazar wasn't some last century fledgling. He had been around for ages and he hadn't been idle. There were ways around even the strongest warding if you were clever enough. He braced himself with two hands on the wall as he started an old Enochian chant.

**Escape attempt number one…**

* * *

"Bal?" Zara whispered into the quietness of the house. It had been nearly 48 hours since Zara had last seen the angel. She knew her worry was probably unfounded but he never went a whole day without coming to check on her and he NEVER ignored her prayers. "Balthazar?" She said it a bit louder this time. Maybe he didn't hear it before. Yet still, he didn't appear.

He said he was going to try one more time with whatever he was looking for and then he would stop. He promised he would be careful. Zara felt sick. Whatever he was doing was for her and she couldn't bear to think that he might get hurt. She couldn't have his death on her conscience.

Maybe he was just busy. Zara kept telling herself. There was no use worrying when she didn't even know there was anything wrong. It had only been 2 days. He could very well pop in at any time and chide her for being so anxious. She said it over and over to herself. He was fine. He would be back soon.

None of it helped though. In her heart, she knew that he would never be gone for so long. He would never ignore her calls. He had promised. Something was wrong…

* * *

"Ms. Bradbury! My favorite person." Dick Roman came up behind the IT girl making her jump. "How's the hacking going?"

"Uhm…" Charlie fidgeted uneasily. "I couldn't just trace it like usual. There's some sort of wicked powerful blocking signal on it."

Dick gave her a forced smile. "But you can track it, right?"

"I've got an algorithm that pings the signal every time a call goes out from that line. Every time they call, I get a little closer. Next time a call goes out, I should be able to get the exact location." Charlie rambled off her tech jargon as Dick's eyes glazed over. All he really got out of it was that she was one call away from getting the location of the asset.

"Good. Good." An alert popped up on her computer screen and code started scrolling on one of the windows. "What's that?" Dick motioned towards the screen.

"Oh!" Charlie spun around and started typing rapidly on her keyboard. She cursed silently. The way Mr. Roman was acting was odd to say the least. She was going to refuse to give the location until she knew what she was finding, but he was standing right over her. She couldn't hide it from him now. "There's a call going out. It looks like…" A map popped up- showing where the call was coming from. "Rib Mountain Ontario, Canada."

"Excellent." Dick said lowly.

"You know, listening to the calls may have been faster." She mumbled.

"Sensitive information, Ms. Bradbury. I'm sure you understand." He put a hand on her shoulder and gave her a disarming smile. "If I told you, I'd have to kill you." He winked and started walking away from her cubicle. "Thanks for your help."

"Sure." She gave him a fake smile as he walked away. Charlie turned back to her computer and started typing. Something about this whole situation just didn't add up. Dick's "empty threats" didn't seem so empty. He was being too intense for someone who wanted a piece of tech. There was more going on than he was saying. "I've never been much for secrets." Charlie mumbled under her breath as she hacked into the Roman Enterprises audio files. The calls must have been saved somewhere and she was going to find out what they were. Whatever this "asset" was, she was going to find out.

After an hour's searching through encrypted files, Charlie finally found what she was looking for. She threw on some headphones, leaned back in her chair, and pressed play. As she listened, she grew even more puzzled. If it weren't for the same timestamps, she would have thought it was the wrong recording. What she heard was more confusing than Dick's actions.

* * *

"Dean!"

"Zara, oh my god. I'm glad you're okay." Dean breathed. "We just finished up a Leviathan hunt. They're looking for you, Zara. They want to take you to Dick. They're-"

"Balthazar's missing." She blurted out.

"What?"

"I haven't seen him in two days, he isn't answering prayers. He said he just had some important business to do and then… nothing." Zara rambled- close to tears. "He ALWAYS answers. He promised he would. I'm so worried about him. I think the angels were after him… I don't know what to do."

"Just… Stay there, alright?" Zara could tell through the phone that he was pacing. "The house is safe and you shouldn't leave when Dick's dicks are looking for you."

Zara looked around at the empty house. Without Balthazar to liven it up, it was strange, creaky, and filled with shadows that seemed like they shouldn't be there. It didn't feel like a safe place anymore. "I don't want to be alone." She whispered into the phone.

"I'll come up and get you." Dean offered immediately. "We can set you up in a safe house closer to us, if you don't want to go to Bobby's."

"Okay." She answered shakily. "I'll go get the address for you." She rattled off the address for him to write down.

"Alright. I can be there by tomorrow."

Zara could feel herself calming down already. Dean would be there soon. Everything would be alright and then they could focus on finding Balthazar. "Thank you, Dean."

"Anything for you, Princess. I miss you."

"Stay safe."


	36. Chapter 36

A/N Hi! How's it going? I hope you're good. :) Who's going to go see the Hobbit this weekend?! :D Please forgive me. I'm going on Friday and there might be some more LOTR fangirling in Saturday's post. Anywho, I'm looking for oneshot ideas (preferably happy/fluffy/cute ones). Without giving anything away, there is sadness coming (isn't there always?) and I need to store up some happiness to throw at you guys then. You get me? Cool. Don't be shy! Drop me a line!

Thank you to my special reviewers: Morgan Elizabeth Jacobs, Ladysunshine6, chinaluv, MaddieLB, Air Guitar Pixie, mamasam, and Sarah.B!

Love you guys!

* * *

_"I don't want to be alone." She whispered into the phone._

_ "I'll come up and get you." Dean offered immediately. "We can set you up in a safe house closer to us, if you don't want to go to Bobby's."_

_ "Okay." She answered shakily. "I'll go get the address for you." She rattled off the address for him to write down._

_ "Alright. I can be there by tomorrow."_

_ Zara could feel herself calming down already. Dean would be there soon. Everything would be alright and then they could focus on finding Balthazar. "Thank you, Dean."_

_ "Anything for you, Princess. I miss you." _

_ "Stay safe."_

* * *

**Chapter 36**

A knock at the door woke Zara from her nap on the couch. She had stayed up all night packing and was too excited to actually fall sleep until the sun had started to rise. She was going to see her boys again. Of course she was excited to see Sam, but she would be lying if she said Dean wasn't on the top of her list.

Dean said he was going to drive all night to get there, so the person knocking must be him. Of course, the house was so out of the way that no one else would even know it was there. She quickly threw on her coat and picked up her bag as she rushed over to answer the door. Zara looked out the window just to make sure. His face lit up and he gave her a little wave when he saw her peeking out at him.

Zara couldn't get the door open enough fast enough. She fumbled with the sharpie as she scribbled out the warding on the door like Balthazar had showed her. Zara didn't even bother to cap the marker as she dropped it and flipped the remaining locks on the door. She flung it open and jumped into Dean's arms before he even had a chance to react.

"Dean." She sighed as she gripped him fiercely and buried her face into his chest.

"I missed you." He whispered into her hair. He wrapped his arms around her and they just held each other for a minute in silence.

Eventually, they let go. Dean picked up her duffel bag and went to put in the car while Zara locked up the house. As she was turning the key in the lock, she could hear Shoot to Thrill play from her phone which made her pause. That was Dean's ringtone. She cast a glance back at Dean- who was just slamming the trunk shut. He couldn't be calling her. So who was it?

"Hello?" Zara answered warily.

"Zara?" Dean's voice sounded in her ear. "Hey, I'm about 2 hours away-" That was all she heard before she felt an arm come around her and press something foul smelling against her nose and mouth.

Zara slumped to the ground, unconscious, and the phone dropped to the ground. "Zara? Hello? You there?" Dean asked.

The leviathan who had been pretending to be Dean morphed into the exact image of Zara as he, now she, picked up the phone. "Yeah, sorry. The phone slipped out of my hand." The monster apologized as she paced a few steps away from the real Zara. "You're close?"

"Yeah. I'll see you in a few okay?"

"Alright."

"I miss you."

"You too."

* * *

Dean put his phone down and continued to cruise down the lonely Canadian highway. It may have been the fact that he had been driving all night and was practically falling asleep, but something didn't sit right with him. His brain wasn't functioning properly and he couldn't quite figure it out. This would be the time he would give the wheel over to Sam, but he had stayed behind to clean up the mess and cover their tracks after their last hunt. He planned on picking Sam up on their way back to Bobby's.

Dean punched a button on the radio in an attempt to wake himself up. Some classic rock started blaring through the speakers. The music didn't seem to be working though and his phone conversation with Zara kept turning over in his mind. He couldn't quite put his finger on why it felt so wrong. What was off about a conversation that lasted less than a minute? She had answered the phone, and then dropped it. Once she had picked it up again, he told her he'd be there in a couple hours and then they hung up.

"I miss you." He murmured under his breath. He always ended their conversations with that and then she said… She didn't say it that time. They had been talking for weeks and every conversation ended with the same two phrases. "I miss you." And "Stay safe." Why wouldn't she say it? She always said it. Dean's eyes widened and he pressed the gas pedal a little harder- all fatigue had disappeared from his mind. The leviathans had been after her. Maybe it wasn't her. Maybe they got there first.

* * *

By the time Zara woke up, they were well on their way to… wherever they were going. Her hands were tied behind her and instead of being in the Impala like she expected, she seemed to be in the back seat of a police car. Zara maneuvered herself so that she was sitting up and she looked through the mesh at the driver. As soon as she saw what looked to be her double driving the car, she remembered what happened. Dean hadn't been the one to pick her up that morning. It was a Leviathan.

Other Zara looked back at her. "Morning, RaRa." She chirped- smirking when Sean's nickname for her made Zara shudder. "You might as well go back to sleep. We've still got a few hours to go."

"Not tired." Zara said wincing. She shouldn't have opened her mouth. All she could taste was whatever was on that cloth and it was making her gag. "Where are we going?"

"My boss wants to talk to you."

"Well I don't want anything to do with him."

"Too bad." The Other Zara rolled her eyes.

Zara huffed and sat back in the seat. Zara cast her eyes around for something to cut her cut her ropes with. There was nothing. The door locks on the police car didn't work in the back for obvious reasons so she couldn't get out that way. Her only chance at escaping would be when she got to wherever she was going. Zara smiled a little. If they were going there, she knew someone who just might be able to help her.

"At least change your face. It's creepy." Zara mumbled.

"Be quiet or go to sleep." Other Zara snapped at her. "I didn't drive all night and again today to listen to your stupid ass."

Oh really? Zara smiled devilishly. Roman wanted to talk to her, so she couldn't be killed just yet. Maybe it was fear or spite or childishness, but this car ride was about to get very annoying for her captor. "Did you know that one time I got chased by a bear? Of course you did 'cause you have my memories but I'm gonna tell you about it anyway in great detail. So me and my brother were camping out in the woods…"


	37. Chapter 37

A/N Hi! The Hobbit was great and that's all I'll say for those of you who haven't seen it.

I apologize in advance for the general lack of action in this chapter. The next one is where it really picks up and y'all will finally find out what Dick wants with Zara. :) Just in time for Christmas! So you know how Bobby died in the mid-season finale of this particular season? (This is so not spoilers at this point. We've already talked about this.) This is my alternative to that. So yes- Bobby lives, but you might not like what I've got planned instead...

Thank you to my reviewers: mamasam, chinaluv, Morgan Elizabeth Jacobs, Ladysunshine6, Air Guitar Pixie, Carver Edlund (2), and Sarah.B!

Y'all are amazing!

* * *

_"Where are we going?"_

_ "My boss wants to talk to you."_

_ "Well I don't want anything to do with him."_

_ "Too bad." The Other Zara rolled her eyes._

_ Zara huffed and sat back in the seat. Zara cast her eyes around for something to cut her cut her ropes with. There was nothing. The door locks on the police car didn't work in the back for obvious reasons so she couldn't get out that way. Her only chance at escaping would be when she got to wherever she was going- probably Roman Enterprises. Zara smiled a little. If they were going there, she knew someone who just might be able to help her._

_ "At least change your face. It's creepy." Zara mumbled._

_"Be quiet or go to sleep." Other Zara snapped at her. "I didn't drive all night last night and again today to listen to your stupid ass."_

_Oh really? Zara smiled devilishly. Roman wanted to talk to her, so she couldn't be killed just yet. This car ride was about to get very annoying for her captor. "Did you know that one time I got chased by a bear? Of course you did 'cause you have my memories but I'm gonna tell you about it anyway in great detail. So me and my brother were camping out in the woods…"_

* * *

**Chapter 37**

"… And so that was the time I broke my arm." Zara had kept up a constant chatter in the next few hours and it quickly became the only thing that was holding her together. Zara was terrified of what was going to happen to her. What did Dick want? Why her? The babbling that started as spite was now her comfort. She told stories about her childhood, her family, anything and everything to keep her from thinking about the future.

The leviathan had stopped trying to get her to stop hours ago and just sat in angry silence. She had even decided to change into someone else since Zara kept bugging her about it. Now she looked like a butch police lady- presumably whoever originally drove this car. "Would you like to hear about when-"

"We're here." The leviathan grumbled as they pulled into the parking lot of a large office building. It had turned dark somewhere around the time she was telling about her 7th birthday party, so the whole parking lot was now shrouded in shadows despite the lit front entrance. There were very few cars in the lot at all. The leviathan pulled the car around to a side door a little farther away from the entrance and parked.

She opened the door and drug Zara out. She struggled in her grip but the Leviathan was much too strong for her. Zara didn't see anyone in the parking lot, but she kept talking anyway. Maybe someone, some human, would see or hear her.

* * *

Charlie walked out of the office building- overwhelmed with what she had been hearing on the voice recordings. They had talked about a lot of things that sounded completely unnatural: angels, leviathans, and predicting the future among other things. Dick was supposedly one of those monsters- which Charlie wasn't arguing with. He seemed like the prime suspect. But could all those things actually exist? It felt like a bad Lord of the Rings fanfic threw up all over this situation. She could tell one thing though- whatever piece of tech Dick was looking for, they didn't have… unless it wasn't tech. She remembered the last conversation they had had. The guy called Dean said that Dick was after Zara. What if… Charlie had a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. Did she just give a pregnant woman over to her creepy boss?

If something happened to her because of something Charlie did, she would never forgive herself. Charlie imagined Zara's voice echoing back in her head accusingly, but it wasn't in her head. Charlie could hear the same voice that she had been listening to for hours coming from just behind her.

* * *

They were almost to the side door of the office building when Zara noticed a figure standing near the main entrance. When she saw the shock of bright red hair, she couldn't believe her luck. It was Charlie- just the person she needed. Zara didn't dare yelling and putting Charlie in danger, but she started speaking louder and the leviathan finally put a hand on her mouth to make her stop. Zara knew that escaping on her own at this point would be impossible. Charlie was going to be her only chance. Just before they got inside, Zara saw her turn around and they locked eyes.

* * *

The woman's golden eyes held Charlie in a trance long after they were gone. They were pleading and frightened, but they held a sort of strength in them that reminded her of her hero- Hermione. Not to mention she was smokin' hot and totally her type, but that didn't matter right now. It was definitely the Zara from the phone conversations. Charlie couldn't forget a voice _that_ quickly. As if Charlie needed any more confirmation that it was the woman from the phone conversations, she had seen her coat shift and she got a glimpse of a little baby bump as the police officer had muscled her into the side door.

This was bad. This was very bad. Charlie couldn't remember messing up this badly in almost forever. It was her fault that this poor pregnant woman was here. She had to help her and Charlie knew just who she needed to call.

* * *

Dean was already speeding back down the highway towards the border again. She hadn't been in the house. Her things were missing and he had seen where the protection sigils had been marked out. She was gone. His anger and worry made him press even harder on the gas pedal. Both Sam and Bobby were already checking everywhere they could to try and get a lead as to her whereabouts. Dick had control of so many corporations that it was difficult finding out which one he'd be most likely to take her.

Dean pounded the steering wheel with his fist- making the horn blare. It was so frustrating! He was THIS close to seeing her again. Just hours away and he was still too late. And now she was God knows where on her way to one of the worst monsters they had ever had the displeasure of meeting. Who knows what they would do to her? Dean took solace in the fact that they had kidnapped her instead of outright killing her. It meant that at least they intended to keep her alive for a while.

A buzzing in his pocket distracted him from his mental rant. Dean fished it out and answered it without looking at who was calling. "Hey, whatcha got for me?"

He was expecting Sam or Bobby with a lead, but instead a woman's voice was on the other line. "Is this Dean Winchester?"

"Who's this?"

"Charlie Bradbury. But that's not important right now." Charlie rushed on. "Your girlfriend has been kidnapped and I know where she is."

"She's not-" Dean thought her comment sounded awfully like a threat. "Where is she? What have you done to her?!"

"Nothing!" Charlie said defensively. "Well other than accidentally giving away where she was hiding, but that was a total accident and I'm trying to fix it. I haven't done anything to her, but I think my boss might."

"Your boss is Dick Roman? Why should I trust you? You could be one of them for all I know." Dean asked skeptically.

"Because I just saw a super shady policeman force a very frightened pregnant woman into an office building and I'm going to get her out even without your help."

Dean sighed. It was the only real lead they had and now that he thought about it, Zara had said something about a girl named Charlie... "Alright, I'm listening."

* * *

The leviathans had Zara. Balthazar could feel it just as if he were right there with her- the danger, the fear she was feeling, everything. It was driving him insane. He strained against the shackles that held him up against the wall of his cell. After the third time a guard caught him out of his cell, they got the hint and started taking more drastic measures. It would have been so much easier if the prison halls didn't shift and twist into new configurations every time he managed to get out the door.

But he couldn't get the feeling of danger out of his head. It set him on edge and every instinct in Balthazar was screaming at him to try harder. Zara was in danger. Shackles and a locked door didn't matter compared to that. He WOULD get out. Balthazar started pulling against his cuffs in earnest. He could feel the bones of his hands shift in uncomfortable ways, but he was almost out. With a final heave, Balthazar fell to the ground. He was out of the shackles and his grace was already working on fixing his broken hands. Now to get past the warding on the door…

**Escape attempt number four…**


	38. Chapter 38

A/N Another Wednesday, another chapter. And now the plan is revealed... Tell me how you like it.

Thank you to my reviewers: chinaluv, Ladysunshine6, Morgan Elizabeth Jacobs, Carver Edlund, JEM37, TheLastNephalem, shadowblaster99, and Air Guitar Pixie! Love you all!

Also, MERRY CHRISTMAS/HANUKKAH/KWANZAA/HOLIDAYS or whatever else you prefer. I hope you all have a great time with family and friends and stay out of the cold! :)

* * *

_"Where is she? What have you done to her?!"_

_"Nothing!" Charlie said defensively. "Well other than accidentally giving away where she was hiding, but that was a total accident and I'm trying to fix it. I haven't done anything to her, but I think my boss might."_

_"Your boss is Dick Roman? Why should I trust you? You could be one of them for all I know." Dean asked skeptically._

_"Because I just saw a super shady policeman force a very frightened pregnant woman into an office building and I'm going to get her out even without your help."_

_Dean sighed. It was the only real lead they had and now that he thought about it, Zara had said something about a girl named Charlie... "Alright, I'm listening."_

* * *

**Chapter 38**

The empty main office seemed menacing even without anyone in it. There was a general feeling laid over the whole place that someone powerful and corrupt kept residence there. And even though Zara couldn't see any bloodstains or anything to suggest it, the room stunk of death.

Zara had given up on Charlie rescuing her. It had been hours and she had probably just ignored it. It wasn't like Charlie knew who she was. She couldn't expect her to pay any attention. And Dean had no idea where to look for her. Escaping wasn't going to be easy either. Not only did Zara notice guards ringing the halls as she was taken up to the office, but there were two at the door and two patrolling below the windows, not to mention the fact that she was tied to the chair she was sitting in. Whatever Dick wanted with her, he wasn't taking chances.

Zara jumped in her seat when she heard Dick throw open the door behind her and stride in confidently- the smug look on his face made her stomach churn. Whatever his plan was, it was going perfectly and that was more terrifying than anything else. Why did he want her here? What did Zara have that he needed? It didn't make any sense to her.

Dick sat behind his large desk in front of her and folded his hands on top of it. He took a minute and looked her up and down, not in a sleazy way, but sort of calculating, sizing her up. Zara hated every second of it. She knew he was waiting for her to ask a question- to firmly establish the fact that he was the one in power, the one with the answers. She refused to give him the satisfaction.

Everything in her past life had taught Zara that hiding her fear behind a thick wall of confidence was the most important talent she could have. It had helped her at her father's funeral, during her mother's illness, and when her brother left for Afghanistan. The only time it had failed her was with Sean. Confidence only made him angrier. Every time he came home was a feat of diplomacy. Each day she had to recreate a part of herself in an attempt to appease him and get out of a beating. If anything good came out of that relationship, it was the fact that, when she was afraid, she could mold her outer shell into anything she needed in the moment. It didn't matter that she was terrified. What did she need to get through this? Her first instinct was attitude.

Zara stared stonily back at the monster. Something about him betrayed what he really was. Behind the mask of confidence were dead eyes and dark purpose. As if to compensate for that, Roman threw her one of his winning smiles and leaned back in his chair. Whatever judgment he had been making about her had been decided.

He finally broke the silence. "Akele, it is wonderful to finally meet you face to face." The use of her Enochian name made Zara's blood boil. The only person who called her that was Balthazar and now he was gone. Dick Roman had no right to use that name. "I mean, we did sort of meet in passing back when Castiel failed to contain Purgatory, but now we have much more time to talk. It's always interesting to meet a being that is as old as I am." Zara refused to answer him. "I do apologize for our rather unconventional means of getting you here."

"Cut the crap, Dick." Zara snapped at him. "Either tell me why the hell I'm here or let me go."

"Strong words, Akele. I was hoping we could come to an agreement."

"Bite me."

Dick sighed. She had spirit, but that could only get her so far. "I need you to open Purgatory for me."

Zara's mind raced. Open Purgatory? Again? But that needed a complicated spell and everything. She didn't even have anything to do with that spell. Why would he need her? And why would he want to open Purgatory again? "… No." Her answer came out more like a question this time, less sure of herself and more confused.

Dick took that as permission to continue. "Being older than Purgatory and having access to the largest store of energy known to man has its advantages. You don't have to follow the rules like everyone else."

"You're saying I can use my power to open Purgatory whenever I want?" Zara asked curiously. She had had no interest in her power before- thinking it was too frightening and foreign to deal with, but this certainly piqued her interest. If she could open Purgatory, what else could she do? "Why do you want to do this?"

"You think all of the Leviathans got out? No. Most of my army is still there and what's a war without an army?"

"You're waging war against humanity?"

Dick let out a little laugh. "The humans are the food. They're too stupid and puny to fight. I'm conquering Heaven and Hell."

Zara's eyes widened. She never knew that was his bigger plan. It made sense of course. Dick knew about the tablets. He could be powerful enough to do it if he had the chance. Would the angels and demons really have left earth to them otherwise? "And what if I don't do it?"

Dick's smile grew wider and it made his face look even more unnatural as he leaned forward and almost whispered to her. "Then I will personally rip your unborn child from your body, burn off your tattoos, get a demon friend of mine to possess you, and open Purgatory anyway." Zara let out a strangled breath- unable to keep up the brave façade any longer. Dick leaned back with a smug look on his face. "But I'm sure we can do without all that unpleasantness now, can't we, Akele?"

Zara sat there in shock. Could Dick be serious? Of course he was serious. He was a maniac. But this was an impossible choice. The current number of Leviathans on earth could easily conquer it and condemn the human race. The Winchesters had beaten Dick with great difficulty last time. What would it be like if he had his army? It would be over. Not only Earth, but Heaven and Hell would be overwhelmed. On the other hand, if she didn't do it, Alicia would die. Would she choose her child over the whole world?

Dick seemed to be counting on her selfishness. Maybe it was selfish to want the safety of her child over the entire human race. Actually, it sounded incredibly selfish. But humanity was doomed either way, wasn't it? Whether she opened Purgatory willingly or she did it unwillingly it was inevitable. She couldn't save the whole world, but she could save a part. At least if she did it willingly, Alicia would be spared and Zara would get a chance to undo everything. She could try to fix things.

Maybe this was the wrong choice. Part of her knew Dean would have probably said no in a heartbeat, but Zara just couldn't. She didn't have the strength or character or whatever he had that allowed him to make the right choice in impossible situations. But another part of Zara thought, what _wouldn't_ Dean do for his family? It was no different. Maybe Dean actually would have done the exact same thing. Watching Dean through the years had taught her that family is worth every sacrifice.

Zara steeled herself and looked Dick directly in the eye. "If I do this, will you ensure me and my family's safety?" She asked- throwing up a businesslike persona that got her through many job interviews.

"These are not negotiable terms, Akele." Dick snapped at her.

"I thought you wanted to avoid unpleasantness, Dick." Zara argued. "You don't touch my family and I do as you ask."

"Fine. You and the ragtag bunch of vagabonds you consider family will be spared." He agreed. "Do we have a deal?"

Zara felt as if she were signing her life away. She probably was, but if that meant keeping those she loved out of harms way, so be it. "Yes."


	39. Chapter 39

A/N Hey Guys! So you might have noticed I posted the last chapter a day early. I blame it wholly on the fact that I had watched Mystery spot the night before and had genuinely thought it was Wednesday instead of Tuesday (Weird huh? Time loop maybe? Totally not the fact that I just got mixed up on my days). Anywho, you got it a day early (yay?) and now we should be back on track. I hope y'all had a great holiday and will have a very happy new year!

Thank you to my reviewers: Morgan Elizabeth Jacobs, chinaluv, Maros-Song, TheGirlWhoWaited24601, EmilyAnnMcGarrett-Winchester, Air Guitar Pixie, MaddieLB, and Sarah.B! You guys are amazing!

Additional note- The Leviathans' true forms were inspired by a picture I saw of a prototype LoZ Twilight Princess monster that can be seen on my Tumblr (for those of you who have played that game, it's the shadow beasts without their big head caps on- they're pretty freaky). I think it's actually really fitting and goes along with what little we see of those monsters in the show.

* * *

_Zara steeled herself and looked Dick directly in the eye. "If I do this, will you ensure me and my family's safety?" She asked- throwing up a businesslike persona that got her through many job interviews._

_"These are not negotiable terms, Akele." Dick snapped at her._

_"I thought you wanted to avoid unpleasantness, Dick." Zara argued. "You don't touch my family and I do as you ask."_

_"Fine. You and the ragtag bunch of vagabonds you consider family will be spared." He agreed. "Do we have a deal?"_

_Zara felt as if she were signing her life away. She probably was, but if that meant keeping those she loved out of harms way, so be it. "Yes."_

* * *

**Chapter 39**

Charlie opened her door to see two large men standing on her porch. "Winchesters?" She asked.

"Charlie?" The shorter one asked. When she nodded, they let themselves in and she closed the door. "I'm Dean and this is my brother Sam. I really hate to skip the pleasantries but…"

"Right!" Charlie rushed over to her computer and pulled up the Roman Enterprises security feeds. Sam gave out a low whistle of appreciation at her tech setup- something he could never have on the road. "So I've been keeping an eye on all of the videos. They took her straight to the main office and Mr. Roman talked to her for a while. She's being held in an empty conference room now."

"But they haven't hurt her?" Dean asked perplexedly. "Do you have any idea what their conversation was about?"

"I tried tapping his computer mic, but his computer is on another server that has a wicked firewall. It would take me days- which we don't have obviously."

"And any ideas on how we're getting her out?"

Charlie clicked through the feeds again absentmindedly. She had already tried thinking of a way to get her out remotely and had come up with nothing. "She's behind several locked doors guarded by those Levi-whatever they are. It's not like you can just walk right in."

Dean smiled cockily. "Why not?"

"You're crazy." Charlie squinted at him. "Do you have an invisibility cloak or something?"

Dean started pacing as a plan started forming in his mind. "Your office has those sprinkler things in the ceilings right?"

"Uhh… yeah."

Sam caught on to what Dean was thinking immediately. "What do you know about your building's plumbing?"

* * *

Escape was futile. Rescue was improbable. The end was inevitable. Zara shifted uncomfortably in the office chair as she rubbed her chafed wrists. They finally cut the ropes off. It wasn't like only her hands would do any good against ten armed Leviathans and three locked doors.

Zara cursed herself repeatedly for letting herself get into this horrible situation. She should have noticed that Dean wasn't Dean. She should have tried harder to get out of that police car. She should have yelled for Charlie. She should have… This probably could have all been avoided if she had gotten over her fear and actually learned something about what she was. If only she had asked Balthazar to teach her when he offered, but now he was missing and she was here.

Zara had rested her head against the table but she shot up when she heard the door open. Dick strode in with two Leviathans in tow. "You ready?" He asked gruffly- not really caring about the answer.

The taller Leviathan exuded power in his posture much like Dick did. Zara assumed he was whoever Dick had gotten to replace Edgar as his second in command. Any bit of seriousness he may have gained however, was lost by the wild blond mullet he was sporting. The other Leviathan was obviously uncomfortable in the presence of her powerful bosses. She was carrying a tray of ingredients that Zara assumed were for the ritual they were about to perform.

Zara bit her lip. This was wrong. So, so wrong. But it was for her family- for the people she loved. "Yeah, I'm ready. What do I need to do?"

* * *

"So monsters are real, huh?" Charlie asked through the earpiece. She was at her computer directing the boys so that they could get on and off the roof without being noticed.

"And angels. And demons. And witches…" Sam replied.

"Is there anything that isn't real?"

"Haven't met Bigfoot yet." He offered.

"Lovely." She muttered. "Alright, when you're ready, get in and pull the fire alarm."

* * *

The symbol had been drawn on the wall in blood and herbs and everything was ready for Zara to open Purgatory. The lady Leviathan, which Zara learned was also a witch, handed her a piece of paper with some latin script on it and nodded towards the portal. "This will channel the power you'll need for the spell." She explained.

Zara took a deep breath as she read it over in her head. She didn't understand a word of it but the pronunciation didn't seem like it would be too hard to repeat. She looked hesitantly over to where Dick and Mullet were waiting impatiently.

"Would doing this at gunpoint make you feel better about betraying your species?" Dick took his gun out of his jacket pocket and aimed it straight at her stomach. He wasn't joking. "Speak. Now."

Zara's eyes snapped back to the piece of paper. "Per vertutem so-" Zara faltered. She could already feel the power coursing through her. It was like it had been there all along and she was only just now able to sense it. "Per virtutem solis et mandavero et aperire portas Purgatorii." The blood on the wall began to glow white and a low rumbling could be heard. Zara could see the forests of Purgatory and the monsters that lived there in her mind. The power that flowed through her burned and she could feel a part of herself leaving with it. Something was going wrong, but she couldn't stop it. The spell had begun and the power wouldn't release her until it was finished. "Adplica Inferorum Leviathanes ego in hunc unum et dic eis…"

* * *

"OHMYGOD. DEAN." Charlie yelled into the mic.

"What? Are they after us?" Dean asked.

"No." Charlie stared horrified at the screen. She had been so focused on keeping the boys from being seen that she hadn't checked on Zara and whatever was going on now wasn't good. "They're forcing Zara to do a spell. Dean, you guys have to get in there and pull the fire alarm NOW."

* * *

Zara could see them now. There were thousands of them ready to go through the portal and they were even more terrifying than Zara could have imagined. The Leviathans were in their true forms. They were pitch black, twice the size of a human, and walked on six arm-like appendages that ended in long fingers and even longer claws. Their heads were dominated by a gaping maw with rows of pointed teeth and a long forked tongue that flicked in and out like a snake's. Their eyes were only detectable when light reflected from them in a dull yellow, like a cat's in the dark.

She was so weak now. All of her own strength was gone and it was only then that Zara remembered what Balthazar had said long ago about the last time she was forced to use her power. She would have died if Balthazar hadn't saved her. It certainly felt like she was dying. Her vision was flickering around the edges and her legs had given out but the power coursing through her held her firmly in place.

Zara wanted to stop. She would have given anything to stop. The final words slipped unbidden from her lips. "Bellum neue in gloria." The portal flashed brightly and then a gaping black hole opened where there was once a wall.

The spell released Zara and she fell to the floor in a heap. Everything hurt and it felt as if something was crushing her. At this point, Zara knew she was going to die. There was no way she was going to make it out of this building and she didn't care anymore. She was so tired. But what was she unleashing on the world? Was her life and the life of her baby really worth this? If they were going to die anyway, she didn't want her final act to be the one that dooms the rest of the world.

Her vision was almost completely black but she could still see the head of the first Leviathan poke through the portal. At the same time, a slicing pain shot through her abdomen and she cried out in agony- the baby. Something was wrong. A burst of anger at Dick and everything he had forced her to do gave her the strength for one true final act. He had lied to her. He promised that she and her baby would be safe. She was going to die. Her baby was going to die. She would NOT condemn the world for a broken promise. Zara reached out her hand towards the emerging Leviathan and shouted. "Die!" The power coursed through her one last time and she could feel every Leviathan in the portal being crushed as it closed around them. She could feel every single one of them die as the power drained her of everything she had left and she collapsed to the floor again. As Zara lost consciousness, she could feel little droplets of water sprinkle over her like rain and hear the sound of roaring.


	40. Chapter 40

A/N Hiyah! Happy New Year's Eve! Sorry you get a sad chapter to finish out the year... However, you get a tiny glimpse of a new character. :)

Thank you to all of my lovely reviewers: chinaluv, EmilyAnnMcGarrett-Winchester, Morgan Elizabeth Jacobs, shadowblaster99, maros-song, Thegirlwhowaited24601, Ladysunshine6, Air Guitar Pixie, and Sarah.B!

* * *

_Her vision was almost completely black but she could still see the head of the first Leviathan poke through the portal. At the same time, a slicing pain shot through her abdomen and she cried out in agony- the baby. Something was wrong. A burst of anger at Dick and everything he had forced her to do gave her the strength for one true final act. He had lied to her. He promised that she and her baby would be safe. She was going to die. Her baby was going to die. She would NOT condemn the world for a broken promise. Zara reached out her hand towards the emerging Leviathan and shouted. "Die!" The power coursed through her one last time and she could feel every Leviathan in the portal being crushed as it closed around them. She could feel every single one of them die as the power drained her of everything she had left and she collapsed to the floor again. As Zara lost consciousness, she could feel little droplets of water sprinkle over her like rain and hear the sound of roaring._

* * *

**Chapter 40**

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Balthazar desperately screamed within his cell. He could feel it. He could feel Zara's power taking everything she had with it. She was dying. He couldn't even sense the baby anymore. "PLEASE!" He pleaded to anyone who was listening. "I mean nothing, but at least save her!" Of course, only silence greeted him. They never answered. "Please." He whispered into the quietness of the cell.

"Brother…" A voice a few cells down murmured to him. Balthazar almost missed it and even then he thought it was a hallucination. "Brother…" But there it was again.

"Yes! Yes!" Balthazar said hastily. "I'm here."

"What is wrong, brother? You have been yelling for days." The other angel asked quietly.

* * *

All of the Leviathans were writhing on the ground under the onslaught of borax from the sprinkler system. Dean didn't even bother fighting any of them off as he raced through the building towards Zara. Sam would follow behind to finish the job. Charlie guided him through the halls.

"Mr. Roman and his cronies have left the room. They didn't take her with them. Either you get to her or you get to them."

"I don't care, Charlie. This is a rescue mission not a boss battle." Dean growled.

Charlie switched the feed back to the conference room. She didn't have the heart to tell him what she saw there. Zara was on the ground. She hadn't moved since the Leviathans left the room.

* * *

When Dean kicked the door to the conference room down, his heart dropped. Zara was crumpled on the floor. Her clothes and hair were drenched from the sprinkler system that had only stopped minutes before. Dean was shivering from the cold and wetness and yet Zara didn't even move.

"No, Princess, please. I just found you again." He breathed as he rushed over to her. He gathered her into his arms and just held her close for a minute. It didn't look like they hurt her. She looked fine, but she was so cold- deathly cold. Dean couldn't bring himself to look for a pulse. While he didn't know for sure, he could pretend she was just sleeping.

Dean clutched her a little closer- trying to give her some of his warmth, and he kissed the top of her head. "Come back to me. You've gotta wake up and tell me all about our baby, yeah? You promised we'd be parents together. You can't clock out on me now. I miss you."

Dean steeled himself to check her pulse. His hand trembled a little as he brought it up and placed two fingers on her neck. For a second, he thought there was nothing, but then he felt a faint throb. It wasn't strong, but it was there. Dean let out the breath he didn't know he had been holding. There was still hope.

* * *

Sam got to the room in time to see Dean come out of the door carrying Zara's limp form in his arms. She looked so small and broken. Then he looked up at his brother's face. His jaw was clenched and there was murder in his eyes. Dean was livid. But he also saw the fear that was hiding right below the surface. Dean pushed past Sam and stormed back down the hallway.

"Charlie, where's the closest hospital?"

* * *

"Mr. Hammett, I'm Doctor Greyson- your wife's physician." The pudgy older man introduced himself to Dean who had been shown to a private exam room. Apparently his pacing and angry demeanor was making the other waiting room occupants uncomfortable.

"How is she?" He asked anxiously.

"Well…" The doctor motioned to the chairs behind Dean. "You may want to sit down."

Those words alone put Dean even more on edge. Whatever it was, it was bad news and Dean preferred to face bad news head on. "I'd rather stand."

"Suit yourself." Dr. Greyson nodded understandingly as he leaned against the exam room table. "You are aware that Zara was pregnant?"

"Is something wrong with the baby?" Dean asked. A lump was already forming in his throat.

The doctor hated having to give news like this. It had been years and it never got any easier, but he would never let his own emotions get in the way. He looked at the younger man in front of him. The suspicion of what he was about to say was written all over his face and yet hope still rested in his eyes. While the words were left unsaid, he could still believe everything was okay. The doctor saw it in every person he had to deliver this news to and it killed him to have to crush that hope. He became a doctor to save people, but times like these made it feel like he did the opposite. "The baby didn't make it. I'm very sorry."

Dean felt like his breath had been knocked out of him and he stumbled back to sink into the chair behind him. Gone. Before he had even been able to meet her, Dean had to say goodbye to his baby girl. Sure, she wasn't _technically_ his, but she was in every other sense of the word, his daughter. He was going to be her father. He was going to raise her with the woman he loved. He was going to teach her how to make PB&amp;J and paint her nails and take her little pigtailed self to her first day of kindergarten. He was going to love her as his own and they were going to be a family. But now that was gone. She was gone.

Dean didn't think he could take any more. "Wh-What about Zara?" His voice cracked.

"Whatever happened to her has taken an extreme toll on her body. Mrs. Hammett is in a coma. We are doing our best, but it isn't looking promising." Dean dropped his head into his hands and tried to control his breathing- since that seemed like the only thing he _could _do. "This case is quite baffling for my team." The doctor continued. "We still don't know what caused the coma and if the miscarriage is a cause or a symptom. We are waiting on the tests to come back to tell if it was substance abuse…"

Dean wasn't listening anymore. This was too much... too much. He had just gotten her back. "When can I see her?"


	41. Chapter 41

A/N Happy New Year! :) No. This is definitely not the last chapter. Zara will be here for chapters to come. I promise. I'm a cruel writer, but I'm not THAT cruel... yet. But enough of that. I'm introducing another great character this chapter. I sure hope y'all liked him in the show as much as I did...

Thank you to all my lovely reviewers: Ladysunshine6, icedragonfirebird, EmilyAnnMcGarrett-Winchester, Morgan Elizabeth Jacobs, Maros-song, Dirreth, chinaluv, MaddieLB, and Air Guitar Pixie! You are all amazing and I love you all!

* * *

_Dean didn't think he could take any more. "Wh-What about Zara?" His voice cracked._

_ "Whatever happened to her has taken an extreme toll on her body. Mrs. Hammett is in a coma. We are doing our best, but it isn't looking promising." Dean dropped his head into his hands and tried to control his breathing- since that seemed like the only thing he could do. "This case is quite baffling for my team." The doctor continued. "We still don't know what caused the coma and if the miscarriage is a cause or a symptom. We are waiting on the tests to come back to tell if it was substance abuse…"_

_ Dean wasn't listening anymore. This was too much. It was too much. He had just gotten her back. "When can I see her?"_

* * *

**Chapter 41**

"I am a guardian. Well… _was_ a guardian." Balthazar said brokenly to the other angel. "They captured me. My charge… she's dying."

"A guardian?" The other angel asked unbelievingly. "They told me they all died."

"All but me I'm afraid."

After a few moments of silence, the voice came back. "I… I can help you."

Balthazar strained against his shackles towards the voice. "You can?"

"After you've been here as long as I have, you start to feel the cracks in the warding." Balthazar then realized how old the voice sounded. Not like an old crotchety man but like someone who has seen the turning of the world and has tired of it. "It would take a lot of power, but I could do it."

"What is your name, brother?"

"Do you want me to help your charge or not?" The angel asked impatiently- avoiding the question.

"Y-yes. Please." Balthazar said quickly. "Her name is Akele."

* * *

Dean sat in a chair at Zara's bedside holding one of her hands in both of his own. The steady beeping of the heart monitor was the only sound in the room. Dean didn't know what he was going to say to her when she woke up. Of course she was going to wake up. He wouldn't accept anything else. But when she did, she would be devastated. She would wish she were dead. Dean was still dealing with Alicia's death and it felt crushing. Dean couldn't imagine watching Zara go through that kind of anguish. He would have to help her through it. He would have to be strong for her.

Dean ran his thumb over her knuckles absentmindedly. "Wake up." He whispered. "Wake up." This time it was a little more broken. Dean couldn't lie to himself anymore. There was every possibility that she never would again. Balthazar was gone. Cas was still missing. He wouldn't get to say goodbye and he wouldn't even know WHY.

"I miss you, Zara. Wake up." Dean pleaded one more time as he kissed the palm of her hand. He didn't know how long he stayed like that, but the irregular beeping of the heart monitor brought him out of his reverie. It started beeping faster and stronger than it had been all day. Hope bloomed in Dean's eyes again as he realized that she might be waking up.

"Sam!" Dean yelled to his brother who had been dozing in another chair. He snapped awake and looked at Dean bewildered. "Go get the doctor!" Sam was out of the room in a flash.

The heart monitor keep on speeding up to a rate faster than Dean thought was probably healthy. He was expecting it to be more gradual- some fluttering eyes or whatever that crap was in the movies. Instead, Zara shot straight up in bed with a gasp as if she had been underwater and she started glancing around erratically.

"Hey, hey, I'm here." Dean said to get her attention.

Zara's eyes landed on his and she immediately relaxed. "Dean." She breathed and tugged him into a tight hug. "I missed you." She whispered into his chest.

Dean breathed a smile into her hair. "I missed you too." He pulled her back so that he could look her in the face. "Thought you weren't gonna make it there for a while."

Zara's expression changed as she remembered the events of the previous day. It seemed like ages ago. "I-I wasn't supposed to make it." She remembered the feeling of her energy being pulled out of her- the crushing weight of something more than exhaustion. She was supposed to die. Why didn't she?

Another realization hit her. Something had gone terribly wrong during that ritual. Sure, she wasn't supposed to make it, but the baby almost definitely couldn't have. She didn't want to ask, but Dean was the only one she trusted to tell her the truth. "The baby?" She asked in a hoarse whisper.

The color drained out of Dean's face and his expression changed from happiness to sorrow. That of course was all she needed to get her answer. Zara crumpled in on herself and hugged her knees. She let out one of the most broken sounds Dean had ever heard.

There was nothing quite like the loss of a child. The end of a child's life is the loss of potential for a new and different future. All of a parent's hopes go towards their baby. All of their love and devotion is bestowed upon them. And to have all of that disappear in the blink of an eye… it was enough to kill someone.

The feeling of loss was all consuming and Zara flashed back to the time she was with Sean- mourning her first child. She wasn't allowed to cry. She wasn't allowed to grieve. Sean would hit her if he saw even the hint of tears, so when she felt a hand on her back, Zara automatically shied away. In her current mental state, touch meant pain. It always meant pain.

"Zara?" Dean's hurt voice brought her back to reality. Sean was gone now. This was Dean and he would NEVER hurt her. "Do you want me to leave?" He asked quietly.

Zara looked up at him to see the same sadness she was feeling mirrored in his own eyes. There were tears there- just below the surface. Dean was holding back his own emotions to be strong for her. Alicia was going to be his child too. He was mourning too. She held out a hand to him and pulled Dean up to sit next to her on the bed. They immediately wrapped their arms around each other.

Zara couldn't help asking "Why?" which only led to her getting angry at the whole thing. Why did things have to keep happening? Why were they happening to her? Why did the Leviathans have to bring her into this? Zara was so worked up that she just felt like hitting something and for a while she forgot that Dean was there. She pounded her fists into his chest mercilessly as hot tears ran down her face. Why her? Why the baby? Why did she have to die? Sobs heaved out of her and punctuated each punch. Why? Why? Why?

Dean took the beating wordlessly. He knew her anger wasn't directed at him, but in some ways he still thought of it as his fault and his punishment. If he had gotten to the house faster or if he had been able to save her in time, this wouldn't have happened. Maybe he did deserve it after all. A wayward punch caught him by surprise, however, when it landed on the side of Dean's jaw and made him grunt. He caught one of her wrists to stop her and wouldn't let go until she finally looked up at him. "You're gonna hurt yourself if you keep going like that." He said quietly.

Zara's eyes widened as soon as she realized what she had done. "I- I'm sorry." Zara whispered. Her breaths were still coming out in shudders.

Dean pulled her back into the safety of his arms. "It's okay, Princess." He replied. "We'll get through this. It'll be okay." Dean kissed the top of her head as he rubbed her back. It didn't feel like "okay" would ever happen, but maybe it would. Maybe one day.

* * *

After an hour or so, Zara had composed herself enough to let the doctor come in and examine her. In all that time, Dean had refused to leave her side or let go of one of her hands. It was almost as if he was simultaneously lending support and reassuring himself that she was actually there.

"Your vitals are perfectly fine. There's no sign of trauma or anything else. I would like to do some more tests, but it seems like you're in perfect health." The doctor said unbelievingly as he flashed a light in her eyes. "And coma patients don't just 'pop up' fully awake and alert. I don't understand it. You weren't supposed to make it, but here you are." The doctor shook his head and started to leave. "You must have a guardian angel on your side."

Dean's head popped up and he gave Zara a curious look once the doctor had left. "Do you think…"

Zara's hand clenched around his. "I don't know- but then where is he?"

* * *

The voice was tired and strained when it returned. "It is done."

"Thank you." Balthazar sighed as he felt the effects of the angel's grace on his charge. The anxiety faded and he could tell she was safe. After a second's thought he asked, "Why are you helping me?"

"For years I thought I was the last of my kind." The voice answered. "What else would I do for my only other brother in arms?"

Balthazar's breath caught in his throat. There was another guardian still alive. He wasn't alone. He quickly thought through all of the guardians that he knew about. All of them were dead and he didn't recognize the voice. This angel seemed to have been in prison for ages- maybe ever since Balthazar had been a fledgling. Suddenly, he remembered stories he had been told years ago about the first guardian. He had been the one to allow the serpent into the garden. He let sin into the world. As punishment, he was locked in Heaven's prisons for eternity. It was likely that he would be the only guardian to be spared the Archangel's fury. They would want him to suffer.

As Balthazar thought about it, it became even more probable. Who else could it be? "Gadreel?" He asked into the silence of the prison.

The voice came back quietly. "I am he."


	42. Chapter 42

A/N Hey guys! So Gadreel is in the picture now :) I liked him a lot in the show so yeah... he's gonna stick around for sure. And to those of you who saw the guardian sigils I posted on Tumblr- the S kind of shape was Gadreel's. Also for those of you who like her, there's more Charlie in this chapter!

Thank you to Ladysunshine6, chinaluv, icedragonfirebird, mamasam, Guest, MaddieLB, and Sarah.B!

All of you are amazing and lovely people! 3

* * *

_Zara's eyes widened as soon as she realized what she had done. "I- I'm sorry." Zara whispered. Her breaths were still coming out in shudders._

_Dean pulled her back into the safety of his arms. "It's okay, Princess." He replied. "We'll get through this. It'll be okay." Dean kissed the top of her head as he rubbed her back. It didn't feel like "okay" would ever happen, but maybe it would. Maybe one day._

* * *

**Chapter 42**

Charlie jumped up from her seat as soon as she saw Sam enter the waiting room. "Ohmigod Sam, how is she?"

Sam's mouth twitched in a half smile. "Well she's awake and alert. The doctor says she is perfectly fine. They can't explain it."

"Oh thank goodness." Charlie breathed. "And what about the baby?"

"She didn't make it."

Charlie bit her lip, guiltily. She felt at least partly responsible for this mess. She felt like she needed to apologize for her involvement. "I… I know that she doesn't know me at all, but do you think… do you think I could maybe talk to her?" Charlie asked hesitantly.

"Uh, she's pretty messed up right now…" Sam trailed off.

"Oh, okay. Maybe anoth-"

"But maybe I can ask." Sam interrupted as an idea popped into his head. Maybe this would cheer Zara up a bit. "She does actually know who you are and I'm sure under different circumstances she would be delighted to meet you."

"Really? Does this have something to do with her being from the future or something?" Charlie brightened.

"Yeah." Sam smiled. "She talks about several people we may meet along the way. Honestly, she was why we let you help in the first place. If Zara says you're trustworthy, you've got as good a recommendation as any."

"Wow. And I'm guessing, in your profession, trust is a hard thing to come by."

Sam shrugged as he took out his phone to call Dean. "Comes with the territory."

* * *

The room had been quiet ever since Sam had left to see Charlie and get food over an hour ago. Zara and Dean had been dozing on the hospital bed. Well, Zara had been sleeping curled against his chest, but Dean had just been staring. When she was sleeping, all the sadness washed off of Zara's face and it was comforting to Dean to see her without pain. It had been a hard couple of days.

Dean's phone started buzzing and he shifted to answer it before it woke Zara up. "Hello?"

"Hey Dean." Sam answered. "I've got the food and Charlie's here."

"Alright." Dean spoke softly, but Zara still started to stir. "Bring it on up."

"Charlie was wondering if it'd be okay if she came up too."

"Oh, I don't know-"

Zara- now fully awake- took the phone out of Dean's hand. "That's fine, Sam. She can come too." She said quietly.

"Are you sure?" Dean asked once she had hung up.

"Dean, just because the doctor wants to do more tests doesn't mean I'm not perfectly fine." Zara sighed. "If anything, company will do me good."

* * *

Dean and Zara were sitting at the little table near the window when Charlie and Sam came in. Sam put their take out on the counter and stepped aside so that Charlie could go over to Zara. Charlie stopped a few steps shy of the table- hesitating. Zara looked up at her and immediately her face changed from sadness to looking like she was greeting a long lost friend. "Charlie!" She exclaimed brightly as she jumped up and gave her a hug.

"Uh… Hi?" Charlie returned the hug

"Sorry." Zara let her go and motioned Charlie to sit on the bed so that they could talk. "You don't know me, but I feel like I've known you for years…"

Dean shot Sam a bewildered look and he mouthed "What?!" It was like a switch had been flipped and everything that had happened in the last few days never happened. Zara looked as bright and happy as ever- chattering and asking questions. Even Charlie looked a little confused. But then Dean noticed it. Sure, she was bubbly and smiling, but the smile never reached her eyes. Zara was showing Charlie exactly what she needed to see. It wasn't her fault everything turned out this way and Zara was making sure Charlie knew there were no hard feelings.

"So you're not mad about-"

"Charlie, you told the boys where I was. You helped get me out. Honestly, if you hadn't been suspicious and listened to those messages, I'd be dead. You saved me and I can never thank you enough." Zara said sincerely.

"Wow, uh. That's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me." Charlie smiled. "So you really are from the future, huh?"

"Yeah, sort of." Zara shrugged. "Alternate reality… It's all really weird."

Charlie's eyes lit up. Just think of all the spoilers she knows… "So Sherlock is probably in its 6th season or something isn't it?'

Zara snorted. "Hah… no…"

* * *

The girls talked animatedly about everything for an hour or so and the boys left them to it and went to a sitting room to eat their food. Dean and Sam just sat munching on their sandwiches in silence for a while before Dean looked up at Sam and noticed how haggard and tired he looked.

"So how are you doing, Sammy?"

"Huh?" Sam looked up. "I'm fine."

Dean could tell Sam was lying. He knew that Sam didn't want him to worry- that Sam could handle it. But it didn't look like he was handling it. Dean kicked himself for not noticing his brother's declining mental state sooner. He had been so distracted with everything else going on that he had neglected one of his most important jobs- protecting Sammy. Dean had to stop wallowing in his own problems and be the strong one in their little family. He couldn't let the two people he loved most in the world spiral out of control just because he was sad. He had to be there for them. "It's Lucifer isn't it? It's getting worse."

"I said, 'I'm fine.'" Sam retorted self-consciously.

"Don't lie to me, Sam." Dean snapped. "This isn't a little thing. The damn Devil is whispering into your head. You've gotta shoot straight with me and tell me what's going on."

"What do you want me to say, Dean!?" Sam threw his hands up exasperatedly. "Lucifer likes to sing nursery rhymes while making me think that the room is on fire. He prefers daytime TV, but the 72nd rendition of Justin Beiber's 'Baby' at 3 in the morning is just as entertaining. The couple across the room is about to get eaten by a Wendigo, but unless you see that too, I don't think that's anything to worry about. I'm handling it the best I can, but we have bigger problems to deal with right now."

"But-"

"Please, just..." Sam sighed and closed his eyes for a second. "I have it under control. When it becomes a problem, I'll let you know."

"The very second, Sam." Dean pressed. "Promise me."

"I promise."

* * *

The boys came in to see that the girls had moved to sit cross legged on the bed as if they were at a slumber party. Zara was animatedly telling a story. "… And then he says, 'You may have network connectivity problems'!"

Charlie busted out laughing. "That's great!"

"But the best thing was it wasn't even scripted." Zara continued. "The writers were so angry because the funniest joke in the show was an adlib."

"No!" Charlie laughed.

"You girls need more time?" Dean asked from the doorway.

"Oh, hey!" Zara waved at him. "Join the party!"

"Actually, we ran into the doctor on the way up." Dean paced up to the bed and put a hand on her shoulder. "He says the tests came back and you've got a clean bill of health. You're free to go."

"Oh that's great." Zara smiled as she hopped off the bed. "I've been getting claustrophobic in here. Let me go to the bathroom first though."

The door closed behind her and Dean looked over at Charlie curiously. "You got her to laugh…"

"Well it's probably a coping mechanism." Charlie tilted her head. "But she _is_ pretty funny. And she's only been around men since she got here! I'm sure she's been dying for some real female conversation for weeks."

Dean shook his head. That wasn't exactly the highest thing on the to-do list.

"Let her know she's always welcome at my house if she needs it." Charlie smiled.

* * *

Dean looked in the rearview mirror to see Zara staring absentmindedly out the window. They were about an hour away from Bobby's house and yet not a word had been said by anyone ever since they left Charlie at the hospital. Something had been bothering Dean ever since Zara's display though. The way she was able to easily change her outer emotions was uncanny. And if she was able to deceive Charlie, was she doing the same to them?

"So… what was that back there?" Dean finally asked.

"Hmm?" Zara snapped out of her reverie.

"That thing with Charlie… How were you able to do that so easily?"

"Well I wouldn't call it easy…" Zara trailed off. "But it's not the first time I've had to pretend that I'm something I'm not."

"But that was more than just pretending. That was practiced. That was an art form."

"So what if I'm good at pretending? That's actually an advantage here. Why are you acting like it's a bad thing?" Zara asked defensively.

"I'm just wondering if you do this on a regular basis." Dean knew he was tiptoeing around his bigger issue on the subject.

"I show people what they need to see." Zara shrugged.

Dean sat in silence for a minute. Was she playing him? If she could lie so well, was their whole relationship a lie? "That's manipulation."

"No." Zara snapped. She couldn't understand why he was having such a hard time with this. "That's survival."

"And these past few months," Dean sighed. "Was all that just survival too?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Us, Zara." Dean kept his eyes glued to the road. "I'm talking about us. Whatever we have between us, have you been pretending that too? How do I know you're not doing the same thing to me that you were doing with Charlie?" He dared a glance back at Zara. As soon as he saw the hurt and sadness on her face, he knew he had been horribly wrong.

"I have never lied to you Dean." She said quietly. "I have never pretended to be something that I'm not to trick you. I have never tried to manipulate you. Turning into something else- hiding myself like that, it hurts. It's difficult and uncomfortable and I hate having to do it- even when I'm doing for someone's good, like Charlie. Something that draws me to you is that I never have to do that when I'm with you. I don't have to pretend. I can be exactly who I am without fear of a beating or hurting someone I care for. I can let my guard down because I trust you. What I do comes from fear. When I'm with you, I'm not afraid."


	43. Chapter 43

A/N Hey guys... I really hate to do this, but I'm having major writer's block and school's nutso and well... I'm going to have to cut down my updating schedule to only once a week. :( It's hopefully not forever because I really like what we had going, but I just can't do it right now. I'm really sorry. HOWEVER, there will still be new chapters every Saturday at noonish like always. I'M NOT GOING COLD TURKEY. Hopefully after I get over this hump with the block and school (and I'm moving AGAIN, but that's beside the point) I can pick up the pace again. Just give me a month or two, okay? Okay. Thanks ;)

With THAT out of the way, here's a bit of what I would consider a fillerish chapter. I think you'll enjoy it though...

Thank you all of you lovely reviewers: chinaluv, mamasam, Ladysunshine6, Air Guitar Pixie, Sarah.B, and Guest!

* * *

_"Us, Zara." Dean kept his eyes glued to the road. "I'm talking about us. Whatever we have between us, have you been pretending that too? How do I know you're not doing the same thing to me that you were doing with Charlie?" He dared a glance back at Zara. As soon as he saw the hurt and sadness on her face, he knew he had been horribly wrong._

_"I have never lied to you Dean." She said quietly. "I have never pretended to be something that I'm not to trick you. I have never tried to manipulate you. Turning into something else- hiding myself like that, it hurts. It's difficult and uncomfortable and I hate having to do it- even when I'm doing for someone's good, like Charlie. Something that draws me to you is that I never have to do that when I'm with you. I don't have to pretend. I can be exactly who I am without fear of a beating or hurting someone I care for. I can let my guard down because I trust you. What I do comes from fear. When I'm with you, I'm not afraid."_

* * *

**Chapter 43**

"Why didn't you tell me before?" Balthazar angrily asked the other angel. He couldn't believe he was in the presence of a legend. It was THE Gadreel- the curse bringer. He was the one who started it all. The automatic feeling of disgust and hatred bubbled inside of him, but Balthazar tamped it down. It would not be prudent to anger the angel who had helped him.

"If you had known who I was, would you have let me save her?

Honestly, Balthazar would have never trusted Zara's safety to someone who's reputation for untrustworthiness was so renowned. "… no."

"You see?" Gadreel snapped angrily. "You would let your prejudice against someone you do not even know affect your decisions. I am not evil. It is time someone recognized that."

Balthazar leaned back against the wall he was chained to. He had never given it much thought. He had been taught to hate this angel, but what did he honestly know of him? In the short time that they had been conversing, Gadreel had been nothing but civil and helpful- nothing like the vile angel he had been painted as. The more Balthazar thought about it, the more he felt for the ancient guardian. How much of the Fall was really Gadreel's fault? It was Lucifer that got into the Garden. Even after Lucifer fell, he was a persuasive and imposing figure. And it had been the other Archangel's responsibility to make sure he was not able to cause any mischief. Maybe it was Gadreel's fault in part, but he was more of a scapegoat for the Archangel's inadequacy. And had Balthazar not also felt the cruelty of the Host's misplaced hatred? Weren't they the same?

In those brief minutes, Balthazar felt years of learned prejudice fall from him. It was a weight that he never even knew he carried and in place he felt a sort of solidarity with the older angel. They were both mistreated and abused. They were the last of their kind. Then and there, Balthazar made himself a promise. He was going to escape, and he'd be damned if Gadreel didn't too.

Balthazar started messing with his shackles again. "Come with me."

"What?"

"I'm escaping, Gadreel. Come with me." Balthazar grunted as one shackle popped off.

"You cannot escape from this place. It is impossible." Gadreel's voice told of many past failed escape attempts.

The other shackle popped off and Balthazar started in on the warding on the door. "But with two we have more of a chance." Soon afterwards, Balthazar's head appeared in between the bars of Gadreel's cell. Since angels don't age visibly, Gadreel looked the same as he had the day he had been thrown into the dungeon and yet there was something in his eyes that showed his true age. Balthazar felt like only a fledgling in comparison.

Gadreel looked sternly at the younger angel. "No, Balthazar." He said forcefully. Balthazar could detect a hint of fear in his voice as well.

"Come on-"

"You will never make it. You will only make things worse for yourself. They will kill you if you become too troublesome."

The defeat and despair in Gadreel's voice made Balthazar angry. He wouldn't even try. "Death is better than a cell." Balthazar snapped as he walked farther down the corridor. "When I escape, I'll come back for you."

This time, the guards caught him in mere minutes. He hadn't been careful. Maybe Balthazar let himself get caught that time- if only to gain a chance to convince Gadreel to come with him.

* * *

They got to Bobby's house around dinnertime and he had already prepared supper for them. It was surreal to be able to sit down at the table together and eat a meal like a normal family. There was no talk about their current situation or the toll that the past few days had taken on them. Instead, Bobby told them stories of his early hunting days with Rufus. The boys listened to their surrogate father with rapt attention- just as if they were little boys again. Even after they finished dinner and the fire in the hearth behind them had died down, no one was really ready to clean up the dishes and go their separate ways. So they lounged around talking and laughing.

Zara sat quietly watching her family enjoy the carefree night. Bobby was leaning back and drinking a beer. Sam was animatedly telling a joke. And then there was Dean. Dean would throw back his head and let out the heartiest laugh Zara had ever heard. His eyes would crinkle at the corners and his chest would heave. After he composed himself, he would always look over at Zara to see if she had laughed as well. Somehow, their conversation earlier had only served to strengthen their relationship. There was some sort of tacit understanding between them now. They were no longer separate in this fight if they even really were from the beginning. They were stronger, more whole when they were together.

This night was a break from everything. This night was about healing. It wouldn't make everything better, but it was a start. Even now, the night seemed a little less dark- a little less lonely. But everything must end and eventually the conversation lulled and everyone admitted that they were tired and ready to head to bed. The thought of going to bed alone was frightening to Zara. She hadn't really been alone since she woke up at the hospital. The thoughts that had been driven away by the happy evening threatened to consume her, and so she hung back when first Sam and then Bobby stood from their seats at the table and left for their rooms.

It was then that Zara noticed that Dean had held back as well. He was in the chair next to her absentmindedly tracing the grains of the wooden table. The laughter had drained from his face and it seemed like he had forgotten everything else in his quiet contemplation.

"Dean?" Zara nudged his foot with hers.

"Hmm?" Dean looked up- surprised that she was still there. "You aren't going to bed?"

"I- I don't want to be alone." Zara bit her lip.

His eyes snapped up to hers. "… okay… Do you want to sleep in my room tonight?" Zara nodded in response and Dean stood up- his chair scraping on the floor. "Alright. C'mon Princess."

"Really?"

Dean gave her a little smile- easily breaking any possible awkwardness. "Yup. Unless you wanted to stay up all night watching movies instead 'cause I could do that too."

"I'd bet ten bucks you wouldn't last even the first movie." Zara snorted as she stood and followed him down the hallway to his room.

"Oh really?" He scoffed. "I wouldn't be too sure of that."

"I'm positive that if I put in some sappy romances, you'd be right out."

"Chick flicks? Maybe one or two, but even you wouldn't last through a whole night of that. I bet we could stick in a few horror movies and make fun of them all night."

"Our whole life is scarier than any horror movie. I'd definitely fall asleep. Maybe some super hero ones though. I could do a Marvel marathon or something like that…"

As they debated the merits of one genre of movies over another, they went through their nighttime routine. It felt so comfortable- like they had been doing the same things for years. Hand over the toothpaste. Lean back to let Dean have the sink. Take the towel from him. Change into some sweats. And all the while they were talking about anything and everything. Soon they were curled up in Dean's large bed. It was so unlike what Zara was used to. Either she slept alone or she was with Sean. Both options meant tense silence and an overwhelming sense of isolation. But with Dean, it was like she was having a sleepover with her best friend- cracking jokes and laughing over little things. It just felt so right.

But when the lights were off and they were finally quiet, the thoughts still came back to Zara. Her child was gone and she would never see her again. Zara rolled away from Dean and curled into a ball in an attempt to conceal her tears, but Dean knew better. He put and arm around her waist and gently drew her close.

"Shh… It'll be alright. We can get through this. Just one day at a time." He said- kissing the top of her head. Eventually her tears dried up and Zara calmed down in the comforting warmth of Dean's arms. She was about to fall asleep, but in the darkness, she could hear Dean whisper, "Can I tell you a secret?"

"Hmm?"

"I didn't want to be alone either."


	44. Chapter 44

A/N Hi guys! So I should probably start out by saying I have a thing about forehead/top of head kisses. Like... I just really love them, okay? So if you don't like them, I'm really sorry. Soon, they're gonna be everywhere for forever cause I just love them so much. :) Not sure if that starts this chapter or next but they make me happy. I realize that the actual kiss and talking about their relationship is long overdue, but hopefully the little sweetness between them will tide you over. I promise, it'll come soon enough.

Thank you to my lovely reviewers: chinaluv, IchBinMickey, Dirreth, Sarah.B, and icedragonfirebird!

About the slowdown: So sorry again, I miss posting on Wednesdays as much as you do. Hopefully when everything calms down and I can get over my writer's block, I can speed up again. In the meantime, winter hiatus is over! Woohoo! :D So maybe you'll get distracted by the real thing instead...

* * *

_As they debated the merits of one genre of movies over another, they went through their nighttime routine. It felt so comfortable- like they had been doing the same things for years. Hand over the toothpaste. Lean back to let Dean have the sink. Take the towel from him. Change into some sweats. And all the while they were talking about anything and everything. Soon they were curled up in Dean's large bed. It was so unlike what Zara was used to. Either she slept alone or she was with Sean. Both options meant tense silence and an overwhelming sense of isolation. But with Dean, it was like she was having a sleepover with her best friend- cracking jokes and laughing over little things. It just felt so right._

_But when the lights were off and they were finally quiet, the thoughts still came back to Zara. Her child was gone and she would never see her again. Zara rolled away from Dean and curled into a ball in an attempt to conceal her tears, but Dean knew better. He put and arm around her waist and gently drew her close._

_"Shh… It'll be alright. We can get through this. Just one day at a time." He said- kissing the top of her head. Eventually her tears dried up and Zara calmed down in the comforting warmth of Dean's arms. She was about to fall asleep, but in the darkness, she could hear Dean whisper, "Can I tell you a secret?"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"I didn't want to be alone either."_

* * *

**Chapter 44**

Zara woke up to the feeling of someone behind her and an arm around her waist. She expected the familiar panic she like felt in the Djinn dream, but there was nothing. She felt perfectly safe in Dean's arms. She wanted to stay there forever, but she also wanted to make everyone breakfast and that wasn't going to happen if they lay there all day. Zara tried to wiggle out of his grip, but Dean started to stir and he groaned a little as he tightened his arm around her.

"Dean." She prodded his arm lightly. "Let me up."

"No." He mumbled sleepily. "I don't wanna."

Zara smiled a little. "Please."

"Nope." He grinned into her hair- now fully awake.

"I'm making pancakes." Zara offered.

"What kind of pancakes?"

She turned her head to see a happy grin on his face. Zara had proven in recent months that while her baking skills were terrible, she could make an amazing breakfast. "I'm making chocolate chip and blueberry, so let me up."

"Fine." Dean sighed as he withdrew his arm and rolled to get off the bed on the other side.

* * *

The delicious smell of homemade pancakes wafted through the house as Zara worked at the stove. Dean was sitting at the table looking though the newspaper for a case or a lead on the Leviathan problem, but every so often he would glance up at her. She may be still in her pajamas and yesterday's messy bun, but he thought she was absolutely beautiful. Soon the smell of breakfast enticed Bobby into the kitchen.

Zara greeted him with a cheerful, "Good morning!"

Bobby only replied with a sleepy grunt as he made a beeline for the coffeepot. Sam trudged in next and the dark circles under Sam's eyes made Dean do a double take.

"You okay there, Sammy?"

"M'fine." Sam mumbled as he accepted a coffee cup from Bobby.

"No, dude, you look wiped." Dean insisted.

"I haven't been sleeping…" Sam sighed.

The unexpected clatter of Zara's spatula to the floor made the boys jump and it was as if the happy mood of the morning vanished just as quickly. She turned and picked it up quickly but she didn't turn back around to the stove. "You haven't been sleeping?" The quiet fear in her voice seemed a little odd to the boys considering the problem at hand. "Like you were really hopped up on caffeine last night can't sleep or Lucifer is having a frat party in your head can't sleep?"

"Uhm…" Sam looked down uncomfortably. He hadn't wanted to let them know how bad it was getting. "Yeah… the uh… frat party."

"The devil won't let you sleep?" Bobby asked skeptically.

Sam gave a little wide eyed nod that told Zara everything.

"For how long?" Dean asked.

"A few days… I've tried sleeping pills, meditation, spells… nothing has worked."

Zara's heart dropped even more. How could they have not noticed earlier? It was about to get very bad, very soon. "We've gotta find Cas. Like, right now."

"No." Sam snapped. "I don't want to drag him into this. At least I can function. If we bring him into this, he'll go insane."

"It's only a matter of time, Sam." Dean sighed.

"Stop talking to me like I'm supposed to be in a mental ward!" Sam yelled. It was only afterwards that he realized that yelling only disproved his case. He continued in a quieter voice. "There must be some other way we can fix this other than guilt tripping Cas into giving up his sanity."

"Dean's right, Sam." Zara added. "If what you're saying is what I think it is, you've only got a little over a week. Cas is our best option."

Sam sank into one of the kitchen chairs. He knew they were right. "3 days. Give it three days, and if we can't find a fix before then, we'll look for him." Sam looked back up at his family to see them all wearing looks of determination.

Bobby knocked back the last dregs of his coffee and put it down on the counter with a clatter. "Well guys, it's time to go back to school."

* * *

**Day 1**

Books and papers were scattered all around the small living room. Every so often Bobby would bring out new books that he thought might be useful or Zara would get up to make a meal or bring out another round of whiskey for everyone. The occasional turning of pages or scribbling on paper was the only real sounds in the otherwise silent house.

It was driving Zara mad. She had the nagging feeling that Bobby probably didn't have the right books and they were wasting their time. So many things were lost in that fire. Of course she would never say that to any of them. Now was not the time to be thinking negatively. If only they had the bunker key and access to the largest hunter's library on the continent, except the key was stuck in 1958. They would just have to deal with what they had…

* * *

"You're dying Sam." Lucifer perched on a desk behind Sam and prodded him with a fire poker- which had become a favorite in the past few days- making Sam twitch. "How long can a person last without sleep? 11 days? How long has it been for you? We both know that you lied when you said 3 days. It's been more like 6." Lucifer hopped down and started carding through the papers on the desk. "Looks like you've got 5 left…"

* * *

**Day 2**

Sam was looking more haggard by the hour, if that was even possible.

"How're you doing, Dean?" Bobby asked in a hushed tone. They were taking a short break in the kitchen- away from the tense silence that pervaded the rest of the house.

Dean sighed. "I think we should go find Cas now. I mean, look at Sam. His hands are shaking and he's twitching. And we've found jack squat in your books. Death won't help us. We can't make a deal. What other options do we have?"

"But Cas is our friend. Can we really ask him to do this without trying all other options?"

"I don't know, Bobby. It's Cas's fault we're in this mess in the first place. HE broke Sam's wall. HE let the Leviathan's into the world."

"You can't honestly still be angry at him, can you?"

"Of course I can!" Dean growled. "I know he's our friend and I really hate to do this to him. I do. But that doesn't mean I'm still not angry at him over everything, Bobby. He betrayed us!"

"Just give it another day. You owe Cas that much." Bobby started heading back to the living room, but he paused and turned back to Dean. "What is going on with you and Zara? You can't expect us to ignore the fact that you two are sharing a room now."

Dean scratched the back of his neck and sighed. They hadn't really talked about it considering what had happened in the last couple days, but there was still an understanding between them. He just couldn't really put that understanding into words. "We're not… I… It's… complicated."

"What isn't?" Bobby smirked. "You be good to her, boy, or I'll whup you into shape. She's one you don't want to let slip away."

* * *

Dean came up behind Zara who was making dinner at the stove and he gave her a hug- resting his chin on the top of her head. "Hiyah."

"Hiyah." She echoed back quietly.

"How are you?" Dean asked- repeating what Bobby had asked earlier.

"I'm fine."

"Really? 'Cause you haven't really said much of anything in the past few days." Dean pressed.

"What if I could do it, Dean?" Zara asked suddenly.

"What?"

She turned around in his arms and looked up at him. "What if I could use my abilities to fix Sam?"

Dean's eyes filled with fear and he gripped her tighter. "Do you have a death wish?" He whispered.

Zara bit her lip. The past times she had used her abilities, she had almost died… not to mention the baby. Maybe when she was alone she didn't care, but here in Dean's arms it was unthinkable. "No…" She said in a small voice. "But maybe I can learn how to control it. Maybe-"

"Don't talk like that." Dean kissed the top of her head. "That is NEVER an option."

"Okay."

* * *

**Day 3**

Zara had thrown herself into this research. This new task had given her a distraction from dealing with her emotions. It probably wasn't healthy, but it was easier to put all things on the backburner other than the task at hand. It was easier not to feel. Wasn't that what Dean did?

The only time she took a break was to make food for everyone and then it was back to the books. Her head was swimming with latin words, spells, and rituals, and yet they had still turned up nothing that could help Sam.

Sam's twitching had gotten worse and Zara knew the hallucinations had started in full force now. Every so often she would catch him muttering curses or angry remarks at his unseen assailant. She admired his determination though. He hadn't given up even through it all.

* * *

The sun had set hours ago and everyone sat in the same positions they had for the past three days. Sam was at the desk, Dean and Zara were curled up on the couch and Bobby was at another desk they had drug in. A painful resignation had fallen over the group. They knew that it was over- that they had found nothing.

Sam finally looked up at his family. They were spent. And all for what? Nothing. "Okay." He finally said tiredly. "Go to bed. We'll go find Cas in the morning."

When he was finally alone, Sam got up and stretched. For some reason, for the first time in days, he felt semi alert. Lucifer was quiet- he had been for the last hour or so- instead opting to perch on one of the couches just staring at him. Sam knew from his experience in the pit that this was Lucifer's way of putting him on edge before some new torture. It was the calm before the storm. But Sam didn't care anymore. Instead, he decided he'd take advantage of this little reprieve and maybe take a walk. Yeah… that sounded great. The little smirk that Lucifer gave him as he headed to the front room to put on a coat should have told him a walk was a very bad idea.


	45. Chapter 45

A/N So I took some liberties with Sam's illness. He waited a couple days longer to tell everybody about his issues than in the show because he knew what the conseqences were going to be and wanted to fight it out. So just take this as what Sam would have gone through if they waited a few more days.

Thank you to chinaluv, mamasam, icedragonfirebird, Sarah.B, Anber, and Dirreth for reviewing last chapter!

* * *

_Sam finally looked up at his family. They were spent. And all for what? Nothing. "Okay." He finally said tiredly. "Go to bed. We'll go find Cas in the morning."_

_When he was finally alone, Sam got up and stretched. For some reason, for the first time in days, he felt semi alert. Lucifer was quiet- he had been for the last hour or so- instead opting to perch on one of the couches just staring at him. Sam knew from his experience in the pit that this was Lucifer's way of putting him on edge before some new torture. It was the calm before the storm. But Sam didn't care anymore. Instead, he decided he'd take advantage of this little reprieve and maybe take a walk. Yeah… that sounded great. The little smirk that Lucifer gave him as he headed to the front room to put on a coat should have told him a walk was a very bad idea._

* * *

**Chapter 45**

Zara woke up in Dean's arms- just like she had been for the last few nights. She was already used to it and it just felt like she absolutely belonged there. This time Dean was awake- absentmindedly fiddling with a lock of her hair. When he noticed that she was awake, he tickled the tip of her nose with it. Zara let out a little laugh and pushed his hand away. "Morning."

"Morning." He grinned. Zara threw her legs over the side of the bed and stretched. She could hear Dean sigh behind her. "When are we going to talk about this?"

Zara looked back at him. "This?"

He gestured between them. "Us, this, whatever we…" He trailed off.

Zara sighed. She knew that they needed to talk about whatever was going on between them. It had been such an odd relationship from the start. They fought and joked and talked about everything under the sun except their feelings for each other. They had planned on raising a child together, but hadn't so much as officially kissed. For heaven's sake! They slept in the same bed! It was confusing to say the least. But with everything happening with Sam it wasn't exactly the best time. "I don't know… soon."

Dean was silent for a while. "You don't want to talk about it, do you?"

"Of course I do. It's just…"

"Now's not the right time. I know." Dean said quietly as he got up and left the room. "It's never the right time."

"Dean…" Zara trailed off. He was already gone.

* * *

Balthazar groaned as he was thrown to the floor of his cell. The guards had decided to teach him a lesson to discourage escaping. His body was bruised and battered. Several bones were broken and hanging at odd angels. Balthazar curled in on himself and tried to focus on getting his breathing back to normal.

He could hear Gadreel shuffle around in the cell adjacent to him. "You are foolish. I told you they would punish you."

Balthazar winced as he tried to find a position where his body didn't hurt as much. His grace was not healing near as fast as he needed it to. "Real encourager you are there, Gad. Way to kick a man when he's down."

"I am merely stating fact." Gadreel said dryly.

"And you're being an arse about it." Balthazar snapped.

"I have just accepted reality. There is no escape from this prison."

Balthazar rolled his eyes. "That's a load of crap." The younger angel was having trouble keeping his anger in check. He may have promised to get him out, but Gadreel's attitude towards everything was so frustrating and it made him want to explode. "You're just afraid of what you'll see when you go down there. You don't want to see all the evil in the world that _you_ let in." Balthazar knew he had pressed a nerve when Gadreel didn't respond. He knew he had gone too far, but he couldn't help getting in one final jab. "I may be a fool, but you? You're a coward."

* * *

Sam's feet pounded into the concrete- the brick walls of buildings blurred in his vision as he ran. Exhaustion had taken over every part of his body. It weighed down his head and limbs like lead, but he couldn't stop running. He didn't know where he was. He didn't know from what or who or even why. He just knew that he had to run. Something was coming. And then, there was blackness.

* * *

Sam couldn't move. It was a stark contrast to the breakneck pace he remembered setting earlier. Now he was chained down and he could hardly move a muscle. Whatever had been chasing him had apparently caught up.

He tried to make sense of what he was seeing, but it was a myriad of contradictions flickering before his eyes. Everything was white and red and black at the same time. Maybe there was a flash of lightning. Then he would blink and he was in a field. And then it would be a factory. It kept changing and was never the same thing twice. Was that a hint of sulfur? Or was it baking cookies? Or maybe it was leather and car grease?

There were voices all around him- shouting or whispering, male or female, friend or foe. He couldn't tell. Was he making all the noise? Was there truly any sound at all? Sometimes he thought he could hear laughter. Other times, it was the caw of a raven. He couldn't think through all of the cacophony of sound and color.

Sam tried to focus on one thing- anything to give him clarity in the whirlwind of information warring for attention in his head. He couldn't stop pleading to Dean, to Lucifer, to God, to whoever to just make it stop. But it didn't. He didn't know how long he had left. He didn't know much of anything anymore except for one thing: he had gone completely and utterly insane.

* * *

The two white clad orderlies looked on at the raving man they had had to confine in a panic room. It was one of the saddest cases they had seen- the poor man was obviously hallucinating vividly and through everything all he ever kept calling out was, "Dean, please. Please, Dean- help me."

"What do you think would do this to a person?" The younger orderly asked quietly.

The other orderly sighed and shook his head. "I don't know. Maybe if we could find whoever this John Doe is talking about, it'd be a little easier to treat him."

"What if this Dean guy is gone though? I mean. He was running around on the streets in the middle of the night alone. Who would leave their loved one in a state like that?"

* * *

Zara was about to go after him when Dean abruptly stormed back into the room and started throwing his clothes on- the worry was evident in his tense shoulders and pale face. "What?"

Dean jumped up and dashed to the dresser to grab his wallet and keys. "Sam's missing." As he neared the door again he looked back at Zara who was still sitting in her pajamas on the bed- processing what she had heard. "You coming?"

Zara nodded. They could deal with their domestic drama later. Sam needed their help. She jumped up and followed Dean out the door- grabbing a pair of pants on the way. "Definitely."


	46. Chapter 46

A/N Thank you to last chapter's reviewers: EmilyAnnMcGarrett-Winchester, chinaluv, SmartLilKitten, Sarah.B, and Ladysunshine6!

* * *

_ Zara was about to go after him when Dean abruptly stormed back into the room and started throwing his clothes on- the worry was evident in his tense shoulders and pale face. "What?"_

_Dean jumped up and dashed to the dresser to grab his wallet and keys. "Sam's missing." As he neared the door again he looked back at Zara who was still sitting in her pajamas on the bed- processing what she had heard. "You coming?"_

_Zara nodded. They could deal with their domestic drama later. Sam needed their help. She jumped up and followed Dean out the door- grabbing a pair of pants on the way. "Definitely."_

* * *

**Chapter 46**

The car was engulfed in a tense silence as Zara and Dean drove around the town looking for Sam while Bobby searched farther in the outskirts. "He didn't take a car, so he can't be that far away."

"Just because he didn't steal one of Bobby's cars doesn't mean he didn't take someone else's." Dean said quietly. "He's been gone for hours. He could be anywhere." He twisted his hands on the steering wheel- the familiar feeling was one of the only things keeping him together.

Everything in his life was falling apart. The world was on the brink of destruction. His child was dead. Zara was ignoring her feelings just like Dean was and it tore at him that she felt the need to. And then there was Sam- his own little brother that he had sworn to protect and where was he? Missing, crazed, and dying because Dean hadn't been paying attention. He should have been more attentive to Sam's illness. He shouldn't have taken Sam's "I'm fine" as the truth. He should have pushed harder. It was his fault. Everything was all his fault. "I've failed him." Dean whispered.

"What?" Zara asked.

"I should have been there for him. I should have fixed this a long time ago."

"Dean…" Zara sighed. He was always beating himself down for things that weren't even his fault. "You have to stop blaming yourself for everything. Sam's a big boy. He knew what was going to happen and _he _made the choice to wait."

"But if I had paid more atten-"

"Stop it." Zara interrupted him. "Just… stop." She reached over and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. Zara knew that everything in Dean's mind was swirling around and making him feel dangerously out of control of the situation which only made him spiral lower. On top of that, he was exhausted. The last few days he had hardly slept and the only thing keeping him from crashing was his overwhelming worry. "Not everything is your responsibility. The whole world doesn't rest on your shoulders alone. Share the load." Dean cast her a sidelong glance. He didn't have to say it- Zara already knew. He didn't know how to let go.

Zara could feel the exhaustion radiating off of him and his stress the past few… years had done a number on his body. Underneath her fingertips, she could feel the biggest stress knots in his muscles that she had ever seen. Maybe she couldn't get him to release control, but she could make him feel a little more up to the task. Zara scooted closer to him on the seat and started massaging the tense muscles on his neck and shoulders where she could reach while he was driving. He looked over at her questioningly. "Relax… at least a little." She soothed. "It won't help Sam if we crash because you're too stressed and tired to see straight." As she rubbed him, she could feel that he was unconsciously fighting against it. Zara knew that relaxing was against his nature and it made her sad. Dean deserved so much. He didn't deserve to feel like this. Zara wished that she could somehow give him some strength or energy or something- anything to make him feel a little better.

She worked harder on one of the worse knots near the base of his neck- focusing all her concentration on making him feel better. Suddenly something in his expression changed and he sighed. Zara felt him relax into her hands and she was finally able to make some progress. His eyes seemed to be a bit brighter and more alert. The tension didn't go away completely, it never did, but his breathing was steadier and he was looking more determined than afraid.

Zara withdrew her hands and immediately felt a little shock of power snap back to her- making her jump. Zara stared at her slightly trembling hands. What had she just done? It felt nothing like the times she had used massive amounts of her power to heal Cas or open the portal. This was as if she had just given him a small part of her power without thinking about it. She had only wanted to give make him feel better- give him some energy maybe, but she hadn't thougnt of doing it that way. She had never imagined that her power could do something like that.

Zara bit her lip. She hadn't meant to. She had promised Dean she'd never use the power that had killed her child- that had almost killed her. Zara braced herself for the inevitable wave of crushing exhaustion that had come with the other times, but she only felt a little tired- nothing like before.

Dean turned to her and gave her a small appreciative smile. Had Dean noticed? It didn't seem like he did. To cover for her confusion, Zara cleared her throat. "I… Uh, here- give me your phone. I'll start calling around."

* * *

"Yes. Okay. Thank you. We're on our way." Zara hung up the phone. "I think I've found him." Dean motioned at her impatiently. "They say that they found a guy in the park last night that looked like Sam. He was raving and yelling. He knocked out three guys before they could restrain him."

Dean let out a low whistle. "Sounds like we found him. What was the address again?"

* * *

"He is restrained right now. It's safe if you want to go in and see him." The orderly explained to Dean and Zara once they got to the asylum.

"And we'll take him back with us." Dean answered.

"Oh no. I can't let you do that, Mr. Hasslehoff." The orderly paused at the door. She turned and gave him a condescending smile. "You must understand, under his current mental state, it would be best if he stayed here."

Dean clenched his jaw and was about to give her a rude remark, but Zara jumped in. "We understand. Would you please just let us see our brother now?"

The orderly nodded graciously and ushered them into the padded room. Sam lay on the bed in the middle- restrained by his hands and feet. He was mumbling something that Zara couldn't quite hear and every so often he would jerk and pull at his bindings. His eyes roved about- not focusing on anything in particular. Dean pushed ahead of the Zara and rushed over to his brother.

"Sammy?" He breathed as he put a hand on one side of Sam's face. The action was so familiar. Zara was struck with the image of a smaller, younger version of Dean taking care of his sick little brother in a dingy motel room. Sam relaxed marginally under his brother's touch and at the sound of his voice and yet the mumbling didn't stop. Dean looked up at Zara- sadness and fear in his eyes. Seeing his brother so far gone was unsettling to say the least. "Cas." He croaked out. "I've gotta find Cas."

Zara nodded and knelt next to Dean. He seemed like he didn't want to leave Sam there alone and while hospitals made Zara uneasy, that wasn't going to stop her from giving Dean some peace of mind. "Go. I'll make sure he's okay."

Dean cupped his hands around Zara's face and kissed her forehead. "Thank you," he breathed into her skin before he released her and scrambled up. "I'll be back soon."

"Dean…" Zara caught his hand before he walked away and he looked down at her questioningly- green eyes meeting her golden ones. "Stay safe." She whispered.

Dean's lips quirked into a half smile. "Miss you." He squeezed her hand before leaving Zara in the room, sitting next to Sam.


	47. Chapter 47

A/N Maybe the Balthazar scene doesn't fit here. I don't care. I've been missing him and I needed something to break up the constant angst, plus it made the chapter a lot longer than usual. :) You might find Gadreel a little out of character- my reasoning is because on earth in the show he was looking for redemption, but in prison (without much hope of rescue) all he's looking for is understanding and possibly forgiveness. The song is God's Island by Nick Sharkey.

Thank you to my lovely reviewers: chinaluv, SmartLilKitten, Morgan Elizabeth Jacobs, piglet7722, icedragonfirebird, mamasam, and Sarah.B!

* * *

_"Cas." He croaked out. "I've gotta find Cas."_

_Zara nodded and knelt next to Dean. He seemed like he didn't want to leave Sam there alone and while hospitals made Zara uneasy, that wasn't going to stop her from giving Dean some peace of mind. "Go. I'll make sure he's okay."_

_Dean cupped his hands around Zara's face and kissed her forehead. "Thank you," he breathed into her skin before he released her and scrambled up. "I'll be back soon."_

_"Dean…" Zara caught his hand before he walked away and he looked down at her questioningly- green eyes meeting her golden ones. "Stay safe." She whispered._

_Dean's lips quirked into a half smile. "Miss you." He squeezed her hand before leaving Zara in the room, sitting next to Sam._

* * *

**Chapter 47**

Dean was sitting in the Impala outside what was supposed to be Cas' house. Thoughts were swirling around in Dean's head and making him hesitate. Yes, he wanted to see Cas again, but there was still a part of him that was angry. Everything that Cas had done to the world and to the people closest to him… it was hard to let go at times. The two sides of himself were warring against each other and made it hard for him to think.

Instead, he tried to focus on the facts- as if it were a regular case. Zara had tried to give him as much information over the phone as he drove down. Cas didn't know who he was. He was living here under the name of Emmanuel with a woman… no- with his wife who had taken him in several months ago. He had become well known in certain circles as a faith healer. Zara didn't know how Cas, er, Emmanuel would take it if Dean told him everything straight out so she advised him to just play along until they got to the hospital.

The thought of Sam and Zara back at the hospital spurred Dean to open the door hastily and walk across the street towards the suburban house. He still didn't know what he was going to say or how he was going to react, but Sammy was on a time table and they had to act fast. As Dean stomped up the steps, he steeled himself as much as he could to see his old friend.

* * *

It was pretty obvious that Sam was calmer in the presence of someone he knew, so the orderlies made sure Zara had anything she needed and left her sitting alone with him. It was almost exactly like the first time Sam's wall crashed down back at Bobby's in the panic room. And yet it felt so much different. Zara was there, not because she was the only option, but because she was the only one Dean trusted to watch over Sam. Instead of not knowing if Sam would truly make it out of his coma, Cas was coming to fix it. There was more hope in this eerily similar situation than before… as long as they got there in time.

* * *

The awkward silence was killing him. Dean clenched his hands around the steering wheel as he drove down the highway with one of his oldest friends… except it wasn't him- not really. He looked like Cas, talked like Cas, even sounded more like Cas than "Jimmy Novak" did but it still wasn't him. It all felt so wrong. It hadn't felt right since he had knocked on that door a few hours ago. Any preparation that Zara had given him was useless when he had actually faced his friend. All Dean could think was that he was glad Cas was alive, but now in this deafening silence the only thing Dean felt was betrayal. He was trying to forgive him… he really was. It just wasn't that simple.

To cover up his tumultuous thoughts, Dean cleared his throat and decided to make small talk. "So Daphne… is that, uh, your wife?"

Cas, no… Emmanuel looked over- surprised that Dean had actually spoken. He had taken Dean to be more of a gruff, talk only when needed kind of guy. Eventually he nodded. "She found me and cared for me."

"Meaning?" Dean looked over curiously. He was actually very interested I what happened to Cas in the months that he was missing.

Emmanuel shifted in his seat uncomfortably. "Oh it's an unpleasant story you might not like it."

"Oh, I'm sure I'll like it." Dean smirked.

"A few months ago she was hiking by the river and I wandered by her path drenched and confused and… unclothed. I had no memory. She said God wanted her to find me."

"So who named you Emmanuel?"

" ." Emmanuel said without a hint of irony in his voice.

Dean held back a snort. Even if Cas had amnesia, he was still the same in there. "Well it's working for you… Must be weird not knowing who you are."

Emmanuel shrugged. "Well it's my life and it's a good life."

"Yeah but," Dean thought back to everything that had happened between them. The Cas/Emmanuel of now would certainly not approve of his past actions. "What if you were some kind of, I don't know, bad guy?"

"I don't feel like a bad person." Emmanuel answered. The car fell into another uncomfortable silence. Emmanuel could tell that there was something on Dean's mind, something that he wasn't telling him. "So your brother…" He trailed off as he was trying to remember Dean's brother's name.

"Sam." Dean supplied.

"Sam… What's his diagnosis?"

"Well it's not exactly a medical problem."

"That shouldn't be an issue. I can heal illnesses of a spiritual origin."

"Spiritual? Okay." Dean faltered. The anger that had dissipated earlier came back when he thought about his poor brother in that panic room. "Someone did this to him."

"You're angry." Emmanuel looked at Dean curiously- wondering who would do such a thing.

"Well, yeah. The dude broke my brother's head." Dean countered.

"He betrayed you- this dude…" Emmanuel could tell there was much more to this story- much more to this man than met the eye. "He was your friend?"

"Yeah, well… He's gone."

"Did you kill him? I sense you kill a lot of people."

Dean glanced over at Cas/Emmanuel humorlessly. "Honestly, I don't know if he's dead. I just know that this whole thing couldn't be messier. It used to be that I could just shake this stuff off but what Cas did, I just can't… I don't know why."

"It doesn't matter why."

"'Course it does!" Dean started down his usual road of guilt and self torture, but Cas brought him back.

"No it doesn't. You're not a machine, Dean."

Those words echoed in Dean's head and made him smile. He had heard very similar words from another person recently. "You know? You sound a lot like my girlfriend right now." Dean paused at his choice of words. They weren't official… it was complicated, but that seemed like the most appropriate word.

"Girlfriend?" Emmanuel asked incredulously. "Forgive me, but I thought of you as more of a one time fling kind of man."

Dean smiled. "Usually I am, but not with her. She's one of a kind. I can't let someone like her slip through my fingers."

"Well I can tell she means quite a lot to you." Emmanuel said thoughtfully. "Because in the hours that I've known you, that's the first time I've seen you smile…"

* * *

It was getting worse. Sam was thrashing around on the cot he had been restrained to. His cries had gotten louder in the past hour and nothing Zara could say or do would make it any better. She didn't know what to do. Sam hadn't gotten nearly this bad in the show. Zara feared that the sleep deprivation would kill him before Dean and Cas could get there. Even now through his psychosis, she could see Sam was spent. His body was worn out and shutting down. It was only a matter of time.

_When are you going to get here?_ Zara texted Dean.

_5 or 6 hours._ Dean replied.

Zara was about to reply when suddenly, Sam stopped. He didn't move. He didn't speak. He just stared up at the ceiling- eyes glazed and unseeing. If it weren't for the shallow breaths that echoed in the room like death throes, Zara would have thought he was already gone. She looked back down at her phone. _5 or 6 hours_. Zara didn't think they had that long.

* * *

Balthazar sat against the cell wall- staring dully at a crack in the stone. His body had healed days ago from the beating the prison guards had given him, but he was reluctant to renew his escape efforts for a little while. He needed to think of a different way. His friend from down the hall hadn't spoken to him since that day either. It was understandable- Balthazar HAD called Gadreel a coward. Balthazar wasn't going to apologize for it because it was the truth. He had made it a point to speak truthfully, brutally honest if you will, whenever possible considering the duplicity of most angels. Balthazar was always different that way. This meant for long, tense, silent hours for both of them though, and Balthazar was tired of it.

To pass the time, he started singing a song he had learned from one of his charges long ago. He couldn't remember how long ago it was, but it was definitely Irish so… was it the witch during the potato famine or the brackish Celt warrior in the Iron Age? There was another one, but after thousands of years watching over mortals, some started to blend together and Balthazar couldn't remember. The tune however lived on. "_God made an Island and he placed it in the sea, His fingers traced the river beds to set the water free. When the rain falls on the hilltops and the snow melts the spring, He made the birds and crickets, and he taught them how to sing._"

Balthazar enjoyed hearing songs about the world before everything fell to pieces. He sighed. Whose fault was that? -The silent angel in the other cell… NO. Balthazar stopped himself. It wasn't entirely Gadreel's fault. He couldn't let himself be as bad as the others. He had to give him a chance- even if it meant extending the olive branch.

"'S an old song a witch taught me." Balthazar spoke into the silence. "The humans have a lot of songs like that about Creation. I always wondered if they were right. It was a bit before my time." Gadreel didn't answer, but Balthazar could tell he had heard. "You were there. What was it like Gad?" Still nothing. "What was your favorite?" Silence. "Oh come on, Gad. You can't hold a grudge forever. If we're going to spend an eternity down here, I'd like to at least talk to someone." Balthazar could hear Gadreel shuffling in the other cell and yet there was still no answer. Maybe he could hold a grudge forever. The younger angel sighed and muttered under his breath. "Bloody stubborn, isn't he?"

"Birds." Gadreel's voice startled Balthazar.

"Birds?" He asked confused.

"My favorite part of creation in the short time I spent there were the birds- except God didn't teach them to sing like the song said… I did."

"You… You taught the birds to sing." Balthazar sat in awe. How many times in his life had he sat and listened to the bird's songs- to Gadreel's little contribution to the world. How could the angel who invented something so beautiful intentionally let evil into the world? This was just another proof that it wasn't all his fault.

"You were right, too." Gadreel continued. "I am a coward. I don't want to face what has become of the world. I don't want to see the destruction I had a hand in wrecking."

"It's not all bad." Balthazar sighed. "Some good stayed- sunsets, beaches, stars… birdsong."

"Would you tell me about it?" Gadreel asked- almost reverently. "Not just the good things… all of it. It's been so long…"

"Well..." Balthazar cast around at where to start. The whole of creation was a large subject. Maybe start with what he knew best. "The hairless apes are actually good at some things." He chuckled. "There was this one man that I had to guard- his name was Michelangelo. He was utterly unreasonable and insisted on painting angels incorrectly just to spite me, but his sculptures- Ah! Breathtaking! It was like what I imagine watching Dad creating everything was…"

* * *

A/N Sorry to kill the cliffhanger mood... sorry, not sorry? I'm ending with something fluffy because there has been so much angst recently. Head canon- newly fallen to earth Gadreel randomly starts whistling as he and Balthazar are walking down the street. Balthazar hears a lot of fluttering behind him and turns to see Gadreel is standing in wide eyed panic. Birds are everywhere- pecking around his feet, perched on his shoulder, on his head... literally everywhere. Gadreel's new nickname is The Disney Princess (which always earns Balthazar a bitchface). :)


	48. Chapter 48

A/N Long chapter today... Mostly because Meg's "It's cold outside" conversation with Dean has always been one of my absolute favorite scenes in the show and it would have broken my heart to cut it. Also, the beginning is sad (at least it made me sad because it's kind of a personal story). If you don't want to read about someone dying of cancer, then skip the first section after the recap. Maybe I should put it as a trigger warning...

Thank you to last week's reviewers: MariMart, chinaluv, happymeami1, whinychester, and icedragonfirebird! All of you are amazing!

**Trigger Warning: descriptions of a losing battle with cancer.**

* * *

_It was getting worse. Sam was thrashing around on the cot he had been restrained to. His cries had gotten louder in the past hour and nothing Zara could say or do would make it any better. She didn't know what to do. Sam hadn't gotten nearly this bad in the show. Zara feared that the sleep deprivation would kill him before Dean and Cas could get there. Even now through his psychosis, she could see Sam was spent. His body was worn out and shutting down. It was only a matter of time._

_When are you going to get here? Zara texted Dean._

_5 or 6 hours. Dean replied._

_Zara was about to reply when suddenly, Sam stopped. He didn't move. He didn't speak. He just stared up at the ceiling- eyes glazed and unseeing. If it weren't for the shallow breaths that echoed in the room like death throes, Zara would have thought he was already gone. She looked back down at her phone. 5 or 6 hours. Zara didn't think they had that long._

* * *

**Chapter 48**

Death was silent.

"Ms. McGuillicuddy, I am afraid that I must inform you of some bad news. Please, sit down." The surgeon motioned to the chair behind Zara and waited until she acquiesced. His words seemed to be coming to her from within a well- hushed and far away. "Your mother's surgery was unsuccessful. We have her on life support, but it isn't likely she will ever wake up."

Zara nodded solemnly- there were no tears. Tears weren't what her mother would have wanted. When they had first gotten the diagnosis, Zara had cried, but her mother laughed. She had said that Death couldn't take the ones who laughed in its face. So Zara dried up her tears. If her mother could be strong for her, she would be strong as well. They had survived the death of her father. They had survived Brennon's deployment. They could survive this, and they would do it with a smile on their lips and happiness in their voices.

They laughed till they were blue in the face those last two years. They laughed as they had wheelchair races down the hall after her mother's legs stopped functioning. They laughed at the splatter design that kind of looked like a rose after her mother dropped her spoon for the fourth time that meal. They laughed at how Zara now looked like a bodybuilder because carrying her mother down the apartment stairs was a workout. They laughed at the third surgeon's funny nose and the horrible wallpaper in the fifth pre-op waiting room. They laughed to make Brennon feel better when he called from Afghanistan. They laughed even though their voices were strained with tears. They laughed and laughed because that's all they could do. Even when the cancer had come in on silent feet and stolen everything that had once made them happy and they no longer had reason to, they still laughed. Her mother could no longer do anything by herself, except for that one thing… until it was silenced as well.

Silence, to Zara, was death. Silence was crushing. It was suffocating. It was lonely.

This surgery was going to be her last hope- her last chance to hear her mother laugh again. But they both knew this was going to be the last goodbye. There was only a fool's chance that it would work. Her mother, despite great difficulty in controlling her own voice, told her one last thing. "Stay safe, lightning bug. Death can't get you if you laugh. Keep laughing for me and you'll stay safe." And with that, she was wheeled off to surgery- leaving Zara in deafening silence. She wouldn't truly laugh again until she met a man and his brother who were just as broken as she was and they would laugh in the face of Death every chance they had.

* * *

The quietness of the padded room since Bobby left an hour ago was driving Zara nuts. It was too quiet. Death always came in the silence. She couldn't just sit here as Sam faded away in front of her. She couldn't watch idly while another one of her loved ones faded away.

Zara needed Sam to get better. She needed that night again (was it really only a week ago?) where all her family was gathered around the table long after the food was gone. She needed Sam's jokes, Bobby's stories, and Dean's hearty laughter. It was her fault Sam waited this long and Zara wasn't going to be responsible for his death. Her family was NOT going to be torn apart because of her.

Zara's thoughts drifted to what she had done to Dean in the car earlier. She had been able to give some of her energy to him and it had only made her a little fatigued. Could she do the same for Sam? Sure, she hadn't ever deliberately used her powers on her own and usually it ended with awful consequences, but what if she could give Sam just enough to give his frayed mind and exhausted body a break.

She may have promised Dean that she wouldn't, but they both knew that the rules went out the window where Sammy was concerned. There wasn't too high a price to pay. Zara would give anything for the boys who had taught her to laugh again. She'd give anything for the way they made her life vibrant and loud- so different from the quiet of the padded room. It was too quiet- deathly silent. Sam hadn't moved or made a sound in over an hour.

Without a second's more hesitation, Zara placed her hand on his forehead. Power surged through her without her even having to think about it- searing and bright. Zara knew she could do nothing about his soul. It was far beyond what she could fix on her own, but she did what she could to soothe his physical discomfort.

Zara lost herself in the feeling of energy coursing through her. She had never felt so powerful and alive. Every other time she had used this much power, she had been grounded by fear- the energy painful and unwanted. This was different. This time there was nothing but the current running through her and into Sam, and it felt… good. What called Zara back was the realization that her strength was failing. She was using too much power, too fast. In a panic, she shattered the contact she had with the power. The backlash was more painful than anything she had ever felt- piercing down to her very soul, but the sharp pain was quickly overtaken by the more familiar fatigue. As her vision blurred and darkened, she caught a glimpse of Sam- sleeping for the first time in over a week, and somewhere in her subconscious she could hear a familiar voice breaking the silence and laughing in the face of the Death.

* * *

They were almost out of gas. Of course they were. Dean cursed under his breath as he pulled off the interstate and into the closest gas station. He had hoped to make it all the way back to the hospital, but they were still a few hours away and they were going to have to stop. "You want anything?" Dean asked out of habit as he got out of the car before he remembered who he was talking to.

"No, thank you." Cas/Emmanuel said graciously. "I don't eat."

"Right... I'll just be a minute." Dean slammed the door behind him and made his way to the little store in the middle of the row of gas pumps.

The little bell above the door rang as Dean strode in and started grabbing items for everyone in a methodical routine that had been solidified through the years- some chips, Zara's favorite cookies and crème bar, pie, Sam's fruit juice, and the trail mix that no one really liked altogether, but each picked out the pieces they liked and it ended up getting eaten at some point.

As he put the last item in his basket, Dean could sense that there was something wrong. While there were three other customers in the little store, the attendant was nowhere to be seen. He knew that any normal person wouldn't think anything of it, but after so long, Dean knew to trust when his gut was telling him something was wrong. Dean made his way up to the counter and that's where he got his answer. The attendant, who couldn't have been more than eighteen, lay on the floor- his throat slit.

"Aw, hell." Dean mumbled under his breath as he put the basket of food down and reached for the demon blade in his coat pocket. In the mirror above the counter, he could see the other three customers making their way towards the front of the store- their eyes were black. Rather than wasting time by confronting them, Dean whirled around with a roar and stabbed the one closest to him- making the demon inside light up as hellfire consumed him from the inside. The second demon was just as easy to dispatch as the first, but before he could wrench the knife out of his chest, the third demon threw him into a fixture of canned goods. Dazed and weaponless, Dean braced himself to fight hand to hand, but the demon lit up like a Christmas tree from a stab to the back before he could even take a swing.

Dean grinned and started to get up as the demon began to fall. "Emmanuel, you-" Instead of the amnesiac angel, a short, black haired woman stood on the other end of the knife. Dean's face fell into a scowl.

"Emmanuel? Yeah, not so much." She said sarcastically.

"Meg…" Dean growled.

"Dean, Dean, Dean…" The familiar demon smirked at him. "You've got some splainin' to do."

Dean sighed. Zara had said Meg might turn up. He didn't want to believe that Meg was back, not to mention wanted to help, considering last time she killed Ellen and Jo. Dean remembered trying to exorcize Zara over that issue all those months ago… back before Dean had fully had trusted her fully. That still didn't mean he trusted Meg and he certainly didn't want her around Cas until he figured out what her angle was. He locked the front door and closed the blinds so that they wouldn't be bothered by civilians. All through it, Meg kept talking in her smooth, cold, and perpetually sarcastic tone. He had forgotten how chatty she really was.

"Rumors are really starting to fly about this Emmanuel dude. You certainly got my curiosity all revved up."

"Just tell me what you want, Meg." Dean leaned against the counter.

She continued on with her spiel without acknowledging his question. "Imagine my surprise when I track him down and he's snuggled up with you, and he's the spitting image of poor dead Castiel. So Dean, what is poor dead Castiel doing in that junker out there?"

"Christmas caroling." Dean quipped.

"Fun, but last time I hear, he played God and went poof."

"I don't know and neither does he so you gotta keep it shut."

Meg snorted- amused that Dean thought he could boss her around. "Oh I do?"

Dean pinched the bridge of his nose. "He doesn't know he's Cas."

"I know. I've been watching you for hours." Meg started pacing and twirling the demon knife around in her hand- the smeared blood on the blade glinting in the fluorescent light. "So here's the deal, you might remember Crowley and me were frosty back in the day? Well things haven't changed."

"Good." Dean was happy for any hardship sent her way. She was the reason many people he considered family were dead. He hated her guts. The only reason he was giving her the time of day was because Zara said they needed her.

"That hurts my feelings, Dean. I've been good to you." Meg answered in mock offence.

"No, you've been good to _you_, sweetheart."

"Look, right now rumors of this healer are strictly low level, but the body count is getting high enough to change that and when folks start poking they'll sniff angel dust." Meg reasoned. "And they start falling all over each other trying to tell Crowley. Now picture Crowley's hands all over poor little amnesia Cas. Now don't get me wrong I'm gonna burn that smarmy dick, my time's commin', but right now my army of one situation is not cutting it. It's cold out here, there's a price on my ass, and I need friends."

Dean snorted. "Yeah, I get that, but I ain't it."

"That's where you're wrong, Dean, because I'm here to help you and that makes us friends."

There was that word again- help. Meg was selfish. She didn't do "help." She must have some ulterior motive. Dean would give anything to gank her here and now- he probably would if Meg didn't have the knife right now. "Help huh? You mean see if you can't turn 'harmless little amnesia Cas' into an angel sized weapon?"

"Like you're doing- taking him caroling, and by the way, you really want to keep going without backup? Hey, I know you don't trust me, but I could really use Emmanuel and he trusts you." Meg wrinkled up her nose and spoke in a cutesy sarcastic voice. "So for now, it's in everyone's best interests to hold hands and cross the street together, kay?"

Dean sighed. She was right. He needed some backup and Zara would probably be angry if he didn't bring her along, no matter how much he distrusted the demon. "We go straight to Sam. No detours"

Meg grinned triumphantly. "Love it."

"And one more thing…" Dean held out his hand. "-my knife." She handed it to him and he immediately started cleaning the blood off the blade as they exited the shop- leaving four dead bodies in their wake and a forgotten food basket on the counter.

As they neared the Impala where they saw Cas get out- wondering what was taken Dean so long. Meg smirked at his fearful face when he caught sight of her. "You sure we wouldn't be safer traveling with a full throttle angel? I could jog his memory." Meg said under her breath- throwing up her hands when Dean gave her a threatening glare- the blade still in hand. "Kidding, we wouldn't want to upset the poor guy."

"Wait, her face." Cas pointed at Meg. As an angel, he could see demon's true faces. Dean thought that Meg's must have been horrifying if Cas' face was any indication.

"It's okay." Meg smiled disarmingly. "We come in different flavors."

Cas cast a questioning look at Dean- not trusting her word alone. "She's, uh…" Dean sighed. "… a friend."

"Meg," She introduced herself since Dean wasn't going to extend her that courtesy. "I'm just here for moral support. After all, we go way back…" Dean kicked her discreetly so that Cas wouldn't get confused and start asking questions. "Dean and me. Just met you of course, but I think were gonna be good friends too." She winked at the angel.

"Alright can we go?" Dean asked- mentally groaning at how awkward riding in the car with an angel and a demon for the next few hours was going to be. To get out of an awkward silence, Dean dialed Zara's number as he pulled back onto the interstate. *ring* *ring* *ring* _This is John's phone. You must know what to do._ Dean's first thought was that Zara really needed to change the voicemail on the burner they gave her. His second thought was automatically worry. She was texting him not an hour earlier. He punched in her number again. "_This is John's-"_ Again. _"This is-" _Dean cursed under his breath.

"What's wrong Dean-o?" Meg asked.

"Nothing." Dean growled.

"Is Zara not picking up?" Cas asked.

"Who's Zara?" Meg perked up- turning to Cas. "Emmanuel, is he cheating on me?"

"It's none of your-"

"I am unaware of the nature of your shared relationships- polyamorous, adulterous, or otherwise." Cas supplied.

"Please stop." Dean groaned. This wasn't helping at all. He needed to find out why Zara wasn't picking up, not inform Meg about his love life.

"No. Now you've piqued my interest." Meg grinned. "Who is she, Dean?"

"She's one of the best."

"How come I've never heard of her then?"

Dean didn't answer- trying Bobby's cell instead.

"Yeah?" Bobby's gruff voice answered after one ring.

"Hey, Bobby." Dean breathed. At least he could get a hold of one of them. "You heard from Zara in the past couple hours?"

"I left the hospital about an hour ago. Why?"

"She's just not answering her phone."

Bobby sighed. "Dean, she's exhausted. You're exhausted. We're all exhausted. I'm sure she's just taking a hunter's nap."

"You're right. I know. I…" Dean squinted. He could hear behind him that Meg had taken her line of questioning over to Cas who was being much more forthcoming. "I just have a bad feeling about it."

"You want me to go back and check on her?" Bobby stifled a yawn. He had been just about to go to sleep himself.

Dean knew what he was asking, but he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. "Would you?"

"… Idjit. 'Course I will."

"Thanks." Dean ended the call and punched on his music to cut off any further questioning from the peanut gallery. He kept telling himself that he was just being paranoid. It had only been an hour since she texted last. There was probably nothing out of the ordinary. And yet, Dean couldn't get it out of his head. His gut instinct had saved his life countless occasions. He couldn't just ignore it now when his family could be in trouble. The needle on the speedometer inched upwards. Better safe than sorry.


	49. Chapter 49

A/N Hey guys! Extra long chapter this week. Hope you enjoy it.

Thank you to my lovely reviewers: chinaluv, EmilyAnnMcGarrett-Winchester, MariMart, icedragonfirebird, AikaLord, Sarah.B, and ruby rose!

* * *

_"You're right. I know. I…" Dean squinted. He could hear behind him that Meg had taken her line of questioning over to Cas who was being much more forthcoming. "I just have a bad feeling about it."_

_"You want me to go back and check on her?" Bobby stifled a yawn. He had been just about to take a hunter's nap himself. _

_Dean knew what he was asking, but he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. "Would you?"_

_"… Idjit. 'Course I will."_

_"Thanks." Dean ended the call and punched on his music to cut off any further questioning from the peanut gallery. He kept telling himself that he was just being paranoid. It had only been an hour since she texted last. There was probably nothing out of the ordinary. And yet, Dean couldn't get it out of his head. His gut instinct had saved his life countless occasions. He couldn't just ignore it now when his family could be in trouble. The needle on the speedometer inched upwards. Better safe than sorry._

* * *

**Chapter 49**

Zara woke up to someone fumbling with the locked door of the padded room. Sam was still sleeping peacefully on the cot beside her. Her brain was extremely foggy, courtesy of her brush with recklessness, so the black eyes of the soon to be intruder didn't register automatically in her mind. It took her a full ten seconds to realize a demon was about to come crashing through the door and another five to find the strength to move even one of her arms. Zara couldn't seem to coordinate any of her movements. It was as if she were moving in slow motion… under water. Somehow she managed to grab hold of her angel blade and stand on wobbly legs. The room tilted crazily in Zara's vision. She was seeing double. This was bad- very, very bad. The door opened with a crash and as the demon stepped in, Zara took a clumsy swipe at him. He easily sidestepped and Zara toppled to the floor in a heap.

"Well don't make it too easy for me now." The demon mocked with an amused smile on his lips. Two other demons walked in and started untying Sam from the cot in the middle of the room. Zara tried to get up, but the first demon kicked her down again before dragging her up again by her arms. "I've got questions for you, dollface."

* * *

"Tell me." The demon smacked Zara again. He had tied her to the chair in the padded room- now empty except for them. "Rumor has it you know what's going to happen. Crowley may be too idiotic to take advantage of that, but I'm not. So tell me."

"Go to hell." Zara spat at him. She had finally regained most of her motor control as she fully awoke. Unfortunately that was after she got tied to a chair.

"I've got better places to be." The nametag on the demon's scrubs read "Marcus." Zara sadly remembered the nurse the demon jumped into. He had been kind to her. "Now tell me what the endgame is."

"Pretty sure that's above your pay grade." Zara mumbled. The demon punched her hard in the face making her see stars.

"We've got your friend. He's gonna die if you don't tell me all you know." Marcus threatened.

"Fall Out Boy is gonna get back together." He slapped her again. "Obama gets reelected." Marcus kicked her in the stomach- knocking the air out of her. "Beyonce is still amazing." Zara croaked. The demon punched her again- splitting her lower lip. "You've got something against Beyonce?"

Marcus surged forward and grasped her neck- pushing the chair backward onto two legs. Zara tried to gain any purchase on the floor, but she couldn't reach. His strong grip was crushing her windpipe and she couldn't breathe. He brought his face close to hers and growled. "You're going to tell me everything you know, or I'll kill you- slowly. Understand?" She nodded slightly. He held her there for a few seconds more before letting go and allowing the chair to crash back down on four legs again.

Zara leaned forward and coughed roughly- trying to get air back into her lungs. When she looked back up at the leering demon, she noticed a large figure standing behind him- a silver blade glinted in his hand. Zara smiled slightly. "You wanna know what I know? I know you're gonna die." Before the demon could react, Bobby drove the angel blade into his back- killing him before he even hit the floor.

Bobby rushed towards her and cut her bonds. "You okay?"

"It probably looks worse than it feels." Zara groaned- mentally taking note of her injuries like she used to with Sean- split lip, black eye, bruises on her cheekbone and forehead, oh, and probably a large handprint on her neck.

"Place is swarming with demons. I got in through a service door." Bobby helped her up. "Where's Sam?" Before she could answer, they heard Sam's cry from somewhere else in the hospital.

Zara's heart dropped. "Bobby- we've gotta go."

They raced down the halls towards Sam's yelling until they stopped at a large locked door with a sign on it that read "Electroshock Therapy- treatment in progress." Bobby cursed under his breath. Hospital doors weren't the kind that you could just break down. He immediately started trying to pick the lock- all the while they could hear Sam screaming on the other side. To Zara, it felt like hours that they had to stand there just listening to him, but it couldn't have been more than a minute of two until she heard the telltale click.

Bobby straightened and looked back at Zara mouthing, "_One… two… three_."

On three, he threw open the door and charged in with Zara behind him. In the middle of the room lay Sam- chest heaving and eyes glazed. He was hooked up to a large machine. The two demons that were torturing him turned toward them immediately and charged. Zara grabbed for her angel blade that was always on her left hip, but her fingers met only air. Before she could register where her blade had gone, one of the demons slammed into her. They toppled over into a heap and Zara heard a sickening crunch- an intense pain radiated up her leg. She cried out, but it was cut short as the demon sat on her chest- effectively trapping her.

Bobby finished off his demon just in time to see the other one take out a knife and ready himself to use it on Zara. With a roar, Bobby launched himself at the demon. He wasn't going to let Zara die like that. The demon was caught off guard and Bobby had his angel blade in its chest before it could react. In the wake of the skirmish, the room fell quiet other than their labored breathing. Bobby rolled off the demon and stood up glancing over where Zara sat against one wall- her leg bent at an odd angle.

"What happened, Zara?" Bobby asked.

Zara groaned- only now remembering where her blade had gone. "My angel blade… The demon, Marcus took it. It's probably still in the other room."

"Dammit, Zara. You should have been more careful." Bobby looked at her sternly.

"I know." Zara tried her best to ignore the pain in her leg. "I'm sorry- I just… I wasn't thinking straight."

"It's a good thing I turned up when I did." Bobby went over to Sam and started unhooking him from the shock machine.

"Why did you come?" Zara asked. "I thought you went home."

"I did, but you weren't answering Dean's calls so he asked me to check on you."

Zara bit her lip. She hadn't been able to answer because she had been too weak to move after giving her energy to Sam. She had put both of them in danger. "Thank you, Bobby." Zara said quietly. "You saved my life twice today."

Bobby gave her a little smile. "I'm just glad you're okay." His smile fell a little when he glanced down at her leg again. "You're not gonna be able to walk on that." He said grimly.

Zara shook her head. "No. Dean and Cas should be here any minute. Get Sam to them. He needs their help more than I do." She just hoped they'd still be on time. Sam was breathing, but he looked just as bad as before Zara had given him her power. He needed Cas NOW.

"But there's demons crawling all over the place."

"I'll be fine here." Zara waved him off. "Just come back for me, okay?"

Bobby hesitated a second before nodding and picking Sam up from the table. "You lock this door and don't answer it for anyone but us, you hear?"

"Sir, yes sir." Zara saluted sardonically as he opened the door. "Stay safe out there Bobby."

"I always am." With that, he closed the door behind him- leaving Zara in the quiet room with two bodies on the floor. She managed to relock the door and grab one of the demon's knives by scooting along the floor and then she stationed herself at the doorway- ready for anything.

* * *

As Dean pulled the car into the parking lot of the little hospital, he could tell something was off. There were men patrolling the front door and no one was going in or out. Dean parked a little ways away so that they wouldn't be noticed. He could hear Cas mutter something that sounded like, "Oh gracious."

"Dammit demons." Meg cursed.

"All of them?" Dean asked anxiously. Zara and Sam were in there. Bobby was supposed to be there too.

"How many of those blades do you have?" Cas asked.

"Just the one." Dean sighed. There were way too many for him to deal with on his own. They needed something powerful… something like a full power angel.

"Well then, forgive me, what do we do?"

"Yeah, Dean." Meg piped up. "Do you have any idea how we could blast through that?" She looked pointedly at the unknowing angel in the passenger seat.

"Meg, come with me." Dean growled- throwing open his door.

"Oh come on." She threw open the door and followed Dean a few paces away from the car. "I know you're enjoying your little double dip with the past, but Sam's in there- your girlfriend too."

"You think it's that cut and dry?" Dean had been trying so hard to keep the truth from Cas- how he had broken the world and caused Sam to go insane. Dean may be mad at him, but that was nothing compared to what Cas would probably feel about it. The longer he didn't know everything that had happened, the better it would be for everyone. "You know what he did? If he finds out he could snap or disappear or who knows?"

"I gather we know each other." Cas' voice sounded from behind them, making the demon and the human whirl around to face him. They hadn't heard him follow them.

"Just a dollop." Meg answered.

"You can tell me." The innocence in Cas' face was kind of sad. They were going to have to break the news to him eventually. "I'll be fine."

"How do you know?" Dean scowled. "You've just met yourself. I've known you for years."

Meg rolled her eyes. They didn't have time to break it to him slowly. "You're an angel."

Cas squinted at her. "I'm- I'm sorry… is that a flirtation?"

"No it's a species- a very powerful one."

"She's right." Dean added. "It's why you heal people, you don't eat, you don't sleep… I'm sure there more."

"Why wouldn't you tell me?" Cas asked. "Being an angel sounds pleasant."

"Well it's not. It's bloody. It's corrupt…" Dean thought about all their dealings with angels. How many weren't that way? Almost none.

"He would know. You used to fight together."

"We knew each other." The wheels in Cas' brain were turning furiously as he processed this new information. "Am I Cas?" Their lack of answer was enough for him. "I- I had no idea. I don't remember. I'm sorry."

"Look, you got the juice." Meg stepped forward and put a hand on his shoulder. "You can smite every demon in that lot."

"But I don't remember how." Cas looked back at Dean helplessly.

"It's in there." Dean encouraged. "I'm sure it's just like riding a bike."

"I don't know how to do that either." Cas mumbled. He knew that he was their only option though, so he squared his shoulders and looked back at the two strangers before him. He may not know them, but they certainly seemed to know what they were talking about. "I'll try." With that, he turned around and headed straight for the demons at the front door.

Dean pinched the bridge of his nose as they watched him leave. "This ain't gonna go well."

"I don't know." Meg smirked. "I believe in the little treetopper."

The demons didn't have a chance. Cas smote each demon with such ease and grace it almost seemed like a dance. With each body that dropped to the ground, Dean could see a little more of Cas return to himself. When it was done, Cas turned to face them- back to his normal self and surrounded by bodies. They served as a cruel reminder of everything Cas had done- all the lives that he took and, through the Leviathans, was still taking.

Meg started applauding the angel as they walked through the ring of bodies towards him. "That was beautiful Clarence."

"Cas?" Dean asked hesitantly.

"I remember you." Cas confirmed. "I remember everything. What I did- what I became… why didn't you tell me?"

"Sam is dying in there." Dean pressed- afraid that the demons outside weren't the only ones.

Shame filled Cas' eyes. "Because of me…" He started walking away from them and the hospital. He didn't want to have to face what he did. "-because of what I did. I shouldn't be here."

"Cas…" Dean started following him. "Cas! You remember and you did the best you could at the time."

Cas turned on him. "Don't defend me! Do you have any idea of the death toll in heaven? On Earth?" A little quieter he added, "We didn't part friends, Dean."

"So what?" Dean was willing to put all that behind him if only he would help Sam.

"I deserved to die. I can't possibly fix it. So why did I walk out of that river?"

Cas looked so lost. Then Dean realized why- after everything, Cas definitely didn't think he was worthy. He had messed up so badly that he didn't believe he could ever do right again. What Cas needed right now was someone to believe in him. Yes, Cas had messed up, but Cas was family and Dean was going to help him through this. Dean clapped a hand on the angel's shoulder and looked him straight in the eye- giving him the sincerest face he had. "Maybe _to_ fix it." Cas gave him a small smile of gratitude.

Dean's phone interrupted whatever Cas was going to say next. Dean answered it immediately when he saw it was Bobby. "Hey, what's going on? There were demons everywhere!"

"You here?" Bobby asked gruffly.

"Yeah, we're right out front." Dean started towards the entrance- the angel and demon in tow. "Where are you?"

"Headed your way. I sure hope Cas has all his mojo."

Dean's heart dropped. "What happened?"

"Demons attacked- gave Sam the deluxe electroshock package." Bobby growled. "He's alive, but he's not responsive."

"What? Where was Zara?" Dean had left her there to protect Sam. She wouldn't have let them get to him without a fight. They were walking through the empty halls now towards the psych ward.

"They jumped her I guess. She's alright, but her leg is broken and I can't carry both of them."

"You just left her there?!" Dean yelled.

"She's holed up in the room we found Sam. I'm gonna go back and get her."

"No. I'll go get her. You meet Cas and Meg at the front of the ward." Dean ended the call and started walking faster- leaving the other two behind. He turned one corner to see Bobby carrying Sam in his arms. Dean's face went white at the sight of his brother- barely alive. He couldn't lose his brother- not when they were so close.

"I've got him." Bobby broke Dean out of his reverie. "Take a left and she's in the fourth room to the right."

Dean watched his surrogate father carry Sam down the hall and around the corner before turning and sprinting the rest of the way. He stopped at the correct door and knocked softly. "Zara?"

"Dean!" He heard coming from the other side and then some fiddling with the door handle before it swung open. At first he was confused- no one was in front of the door, but then he looked down to see Zara sitting on the floor against the wall.

Dean sank down and pulled her into his arms. Her little squeak of pain made him take a double take. Her leg was most definitely broken. His gaze swept upwards- trying to make sure everything else was okay, and halted at handprint on her neck. Then her face- which was more bruises than skin. One eye was swollen half closed, but her eyes still shone as bright as ever- just happy to see him back and in one piece. "Who did this to you?" He touched the side of her face gently.

"He's dead." Zara winced when his fingers brushed a tender spot- making him withdraw his hand. "Did you get Cas back to normal?"

"Yeah." Dean answered. "He's with the others."

"Then we should go to them." Zara wanted to see Sam. She needed to see that he was better. She hadn't endured near death and a beating to not be there when he woke up. Dean picked her up gingerly- trying his best not to knock her leg against anything, and headed back down the hallway. There was no other sound except Dean's shoes scuffing along the floor and his heartbeat next to Zara's ear.

From her vantage point, Zara could see every scar and freckle on Dean's face. He was so handsome and strong. And somehow she had been lucky enough to be part of his life. In much different circumstances, she could have spent hours just like that. Of course, those rare times weren't often in their line of work and she'd be damned if she didn't take advantage of it. She leaned up and kissed him on the cheek.

"What was that for?" He looked down at her- a playful smile on his lips.

"Just because." Zara laid her head back on his chest. They had come up to the front of the ward and could hear voices up ahead in one of the rooms.

"What do you mean you can't?" Bobby asked.

"I mean, there's nothing left to rebuild." Cas answered quietly. "This isn't a problem I can make disappear…" He trailed off as something occurred to him. "-but I may be able to shift it… its better this way." Dean and Zara made to the room in time to see Cas lean over the bed Bobby had placed Sam in and press a hand to his forehead. "Now Sam, this may hurt and if I can't tell you again, I'm sorry I ever did this to you." Cas whispered before a red glow passed from Sam to Cas. Sam immediately rose up- fully awake and recovered. At the same time, Cas stumbled to the side and gave a short cry- already hallucinating.

"Cas?" Sam asked- completely disoriented. "Cas is that you?" Cas gave another yell as he leaped away from an unseen attacker. Meg grabbed a hold of him and started to restrain him. "Oh no." Sam whispered. "What have we done?"


	50. Chapter 50

A/N I'll have you know that I wrote this chapter on Valentines Day. :) Please tell me what you think because I'm nervous...

Thank you to last chapter's reviewers: Ladysunshine6, mamasam, chinaluv, and Sarah.B!

* * *

_From her vantage point, Zara could see every scar and freckle on Dean's face. He was so handsome and strong. And somehow she had been lucky enough to be part of his life. In much different circumstances, she could have spent hours just like that. Of course, those rare times weren't often in their line of work and she'd be damned if she didn't take advantage of it. She leaned up and kissed him on the cheek._

_"What was that for?" He looked down at her- a playful smile on his lips._

_"Just because." Zara laid her head back on his chest. They had come up to the front of the ward and could hear voices up ahead in one of the rooms..._

_ "Now Sam, this may hurt and if I can't tell you again, I'm sorry I ever did this to you." Cas whispered before a red glow passed from Sam to Cas. Sam immediately rose up- fully awake and recovered. At the same time, Cas stumbled to the side and gave a short cry- already hallucinating. _

_"Cas?" Sam asked- completely disoriented. "Cas is that you?" Cas gave another yell as he leaped away from an unseen attacker. Meg grabbed a hold of him and started to restrain him. "Oh no." Sam whispered. "What have we done?"_

* * *

**Chapter 50**

It had been decided. Meg would take a job at the hospital so that she could keep an eye on Cas and so the rest of them could focus on taking the Leviathans down. It wasn't the most convenient setup and Dean had plenty of reservations about trusting the demon, but Zara was adamant about letting her help. Dean may not trust Meg, but if Zara said they needed her, they needed her.

When they got home, Dean helped Zara over to the couch. Cas had been unable to heal Zara before he helped Sam, so that meant she was going to be out of commission until her leg healed up. Dean left her crutches next to the couch and went to make lunch leaving Sam and Zara in the living room. Zara was about to doze off when she heard Sam shift and clear his throat.

"Thank you." He said quietly.

Zara sat up and looked at him curiously. "For what?"

"I know what you did. I know you used your power to save me."

Zara's eyes widened and she bit her lip. She had hoped Sam wouldn't remember, though considering how much power she had used, it was a fool's hope. She coughed self consciously. If she admitted to it, Sam would tell Dean. She didn't want Dean to worry about it. "I- I don't know what you mean."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Yes you do, whether you want to admit it or not. You saved my life. So… thank you." He looked at her with a serious expression. "-but don't do it again."

"Don't save your life again?" Zara joked.

"Don't put yourself in danger like that again." Sam clarified. "Every time you use it, you get hurt." He motioned to her leg.

"I know what I'm doing, Sam." Zara waved him off. "I'm learning how to control it."

"Just… be careful okay?" Sam stood up and started to leave the room. "We need you."

Zara sat there in silence. She knew what she was doing, Zara kept on telling herself. She was being careful and she was helping people. But it was a dangerous game she was playing- with mortal consequences if she over estimated herself. There wasn't always going to be an angel to swoop in and save her. At the same time, that powerful feeling was intoxicating. She wanted to learn how to control it and the only way to do that was to practice. She could start out with little things- giving someone an extra boost. What if she could learn to use it on herself? She could become unstoppable. Zara knew she had promised Dean she wouldn't, but the benefits would outweigh the costs.

Zara tried her best not to look guilty when Dean came back into the living room with grilled cheese. She moved over so that he could sit next to her and they ate in companionable silence. It felt almost surreal. Their lives were full of opposites. Less than 12 hours ago, they were fighting for their lives and now they were lounging peacefully. Zara wouldn't trade it for anything though. She was helping people and doing it with the people she loved- with the man she loved. Finished with her sandwich, Zara set aside her plate and snuggled up to Dean's side- resting her head on his shoulder as he wrapped his arm around her.

"So what's next?" Dean asked.

"For what? The Leviathans?" Zara sighed. "Can we take a day before we barrel on to the next apocalypse?"

"Okay." He kissed the top of her head.

Zara thought back to what they didn't have time to talk about a couple of days ago. They had everything that looked like a relationship without the relationship. The events of the past few weeks had gotten in the way of them actually talking about it. It had never been the right time, but now was as good a time as any. "So we never finished that conversation the other day." Zara began.

"About what?" Dean asked.

"Us." She could feel his breath stutter a little and his heart beat a little faster under her head before he gently withdrew his arm and scooted away so that he could look her straight in the face. He didn't look happy like she had expected. Instead he seemed to be reluctant.

* * *

Dean was hesitating. He looked at her beat up face and he couldn't help the memories that sight brought up. She looked much like she did when she came to them all those months ago- beaten, bruised, and afraid. Dean may have not been directly abusing her like Sean had, but his lifestyle was doing much of the same thing. He thought about all of the horrible things that had happened to her in the past few months because of him. He couldn't help but feel as if he was responsible for all of it. It was just as if he had dealt every blow. Dean didn't deserve her. There was no doubt that he loved her, but he should let her get out before he ended up getting her killed.

* * *

Zara mistook his hesitation and expression as reconsidering and her heart dropped. Maybe this had gone too far. Maybe this had all just been a game to him. Maybe he didn't really want her. Zara had known he was more of a love 'em and leave 'em kind of guy. She thought maybe he had changed, but maybe she was wrong. Maybe whatever she thought was between them was more of a mutual comfort thing than any real feelings. In an effort to save him the trouble to letting her down gently, Zara turned and picked up her crutches- hopefully hiding her tears.

"Zara wait." Dean reached for her shoulder and turned her around to face him again. The tears in her eyes threatening to fall made his heart clench. "Let me explain first."

"No, I think I understand completely." Zara refused to look up at him. "It's fine."

* * *

"No, you don't." Dean said gently as he used a hand to tilt her chin up and force her to look at him. "Zara…" He braced himself for what was going to be one of the hardest things he'd ever have to say. The bruises reminded him again why he had to do this. It was for the best. She would be safer this way. "Zara, this life… It's dangerous. It's cruel. It's not right for you. I'm stuck in it. It'll follow me wherever I go and I don't want that for you. Look what being with me has already done to you. You've been kidnapped, tortured, and almost killed several times. That's not what I want for you. You deserve so much more- a family, a home, safety." Dean's voice cracked a little. "-but I'm afraid I can't give that to you."

* * *

Through his speech, Zara's tears dried up and hope soared in her heart. It wasn't that he didn't love her. He wanted to keep her safe. "Dean, I know more than anyone, more than even you, what I'm getting myself into. Do you really think I would have stayed around if I wasn't ready to reap the consequences? This life is something that I _chose_ to stay in." Zara took one of his hands in both of hers. "I chose to stay with _you_."

"But why would you want me?" Dean asked completely at a loss. "You're gorgeous and strong and amazing. I have nothing to offer you but pain and loss. I'm messed up-"

"You don't see it do you?" Zara interrupted him. "You're so stuck in your self loathing that you can't see how amazing you are. You want to talk about strong? Any lesser man would have given up ages ago considering what you've been through. And yet you persevere and still end up being the kindest, most self sacrificing person I know. You have saved the world several times over. And don't get me started on your looks. _I'm_ the one who doesn't deserve _you_, Dean Winchester."

Zara squeezed his hand and looked up at him. There was still doubt in his eyes. Zara wanted desperately to make him accept his worth. She wanted to show him how much she loved him- how much he deserved to be loved. Words were doing nothing, but actions spoke louder than words. Without a second thought, Zara slowly leaned up and kissed him softly- all her emotion and love going into that one action. At first he didn't respond, but when he got over his surprise, he attacked her lips with his own. Zara smiled into the kiss. It was exactly like she had imagined it- soft, sweet, passionate, and perfect… absolutely perfect. Zara tangled her hands in his short hair and he wrapped his arms around her waist- not wanting this moment to ever end. There was so much love and devotion poured into the simple act that made it so much more. Dean's plate clattered to the floor as he leaned back and took Zara with him- not breaking contact.

"Finally." Zara breathed out in between kisses. Dean hummed happily in response.

"Get a room." Bobby's gruff voice interrupted them. Zara looked up to see Bobby scowling at them in the doorway. He looked annoyed, but the twinkling in his eyes and barely suppressed smile told that underneath it all he was happy for them. "Could you keep it a secret for another week though?" He asked jokingly as he left the room. "I had a bet going."

Zara smiled and gave Dean another lazy kiss. This time Dean's phone interrupted them. Groaning, Dean took it out and glanced at the caller ID. "It's Charlie." He sighed.

Zara nodded and got off of him. "Get it. It's probably important."

"We'll finish this later." Dean promised- giving her one last kiss before getting up and answering the call. Zara lay back on the couch- wishing she didn't have a broken leg. Her heart was soaring. She wanted to dance all around the room, but she had to be content with a little happy dance sitting down. There'd be time for that later. There'd be time for everything later. She had her whole life ahead of her and it would be with Dean every step of the way.

When Dean came back in, her happy mood was dampened. His grim look made her remember that while she may have wanted a day off, the world didn't obey her wishes. "Charlie says she thinks they might have found the tablet you told her to look out for. She wants us to come right away."


	51. Chapter 51

A/N Hey guys! So may I join everyone in saying that 50 chapters was entirely too long to wait for that kiss? Yeah... sorry about that. I will say that y'all might hate me even more after this chapter though... Sorry... again... not really. I was reading some of the first chapters again and wow... let me just say that we have gone much farther than just a girl dropped into the TV world. It has become so much more than that and I have all of you to thank for that. :) I would have never gotten this far without all of your loving support.

THANK YOU SO MUCH TO MY LOVELY REVIEWERS LAST WEEK: chinaluv, mamasam, Sarah.B, and icedragonfirebird! I LOVE YOU ALL!

* * *

_Zara smiled and gave Dean another lazy kiss. This time Dean's phone interrupted them. Groaning, Dean took it out and glanced at the caller ID. "It's Charlie." He sighed._

_Zara nodded and got off of him. "Get it. It's probably important."_

_"We'll finish this later." Dean promised- giving her one last kiss before getting up and answering the call. Zara lay back on the couch- wishing she didn't have a broken leg. Her heart was soaring. She wanted to dance all around the room, but she had to be content with a little happy dance sitting down. There'd be time for that later. There'd be time for everything later. She had her whole life ahead of her and it would be with Dean every step of the way._

_When Dean came back in, her happy mood was dampened. His grim look made her remember that while she may have wanted a day off, the world didn't obey her wishes. "Charlie says she thinks they might have found the tablet you told her to look out for. She wants us to come right away."_

* * *

**Chapter 51**

"So I've been keeping an eye on the dig sites like you asked me to." Charlie told them over coffee around her tiny kitchen table. "I've been looking into some of Dick's other projects in my spare time. Are you sure we need to be worrying about some archaeological digs in the Middle East? There are a lot of other things Roman is doing that smell a lot fishier than this. I mean, he is number one in food distributing, R&amp;D, real estate…"

Dean and Sam looked at Zara questioningly. Since Charlie had started talking, Zara had taken out her journal and was turning the pages furiously- trying to figure out something that would help them. She looked up when she noticed the expectant silence that had fallen over the group. Zara was the one who was supposed to know what to do. She cleared her throat a little. "Yeah, the tablet is the most important thing. Everything else is just window dressing."

"And we seriously can't just let him have it?" Dean asked. "We've got you, what does the tablet tell us that you don't already know?"

"Dick's the Leviathan's alpha. You can't just kill him with borax and a machete to the neck. We need something special and forgive me, but I don't have a perfect memory. I don't remember what it was."

"And the tablet can tell us that?" Sam asked.

"Yep."

"Right," Dean nodded. "So how do we get it?"

Zara bit her lip. She knew that the easiest way to get to the tablet was to intercept it when it came in by plane at some point in the next few days. Unfortunately, to get the exact time and location they needed to break into Dick's private office and hack into his email. Zara already felt bad for putting Charlie in danger by asking her to stay at her job. Unconsciously, Zara's eyes slid to Charlie.

For a moment, Charlie looked like she was going to run off at Zara's silent question, but that was quickly replaced with a strong determination. "What do you need me to do?"

* * *

They were set up across the street from Roman Enterprises in a painter's van they may or may not have stolen and set up for the job. Going back to the place where Zara had so much history was incredibly hard for her. This was where she was taken when she was kidnapped. This was where she was forced to open a door to another world. This was where she lost her child. Zara tried to hide it, but Dean could tell something was bothering her and he placed a comforting hand on her knee as they helped Charlie go through the plan.

"I'm going to regret this aren't I?" Charlie asked jokingly as she stuck the earpiece into her ear and hid it with her hair.

"You don't have to do this if you don't want to." Sam offered. Truth be told, they didn't have a plan B, but they weren't going to force her to do this. They all knew how dangerous it was.

For a moment, Charlie looked like she was going to take Sam up on that offer, but she looked over at Zara and her gaze hardened. "I'm already in too deep to back out now."

"Okay, one more time." Dean prompted.

"Go in as usual," Charlie ticked off each step. "Take the elevator to 4, get off, you switch the video feeds, and then I go up to 7 and hack Dick's computer."

"Great, you're good to go."

"Can you hear me?" Sam asked into the microphone,

Charlie tapped her ear. "Yep!" She made a move to leave, but before she could reach the door, Zara caught her by the arm.

"Thanks for doing this for us Charlie." She said softly. "I know how dangerous and scary all this must be for you."

"It's the least I could do after what I put you through."

Zara's eyes widened. Charlie was doing this out of some sort of way to pay Zara back for her part in her kidnapping. Zara couldn't let Charlie do this solely for her. She wouldn't guilt her into doing this. "That wasn't your fault."

"You may see it that way, but I still feel slightly responsible." Charlie's expression hardened. "I'm doing this for me too though. Dick tricked me into doing those things and any way I can get him back is sweet, sweet revenge."

Convinced that Charlie was on board of her own will, Zara nodded. She held onto Charlie's arm for a second longer than needed, but in that moment, Zara gave her a small jolt of energy. She hoped that it would give her strength and courage for the next hour. Thankfully Charlie didn't seem to notice as Zara released her and she hopped out of the van. Sam, on the other hand, gave Zara a stern look before turning in his chair and focusing on the security monitors.

Seeing the familiar hallways through the security feed made Zara shiver. No matter how much she tried not to think about the things that happened in that building, she couldn't stop the flood of emotions- grief, regret, loss, anger, emptiness.

"You okay?" Dean's voice brought Zara out of her reverie. His concerned face loomed right in front of her.

"Y-Yeah." Zara smiled halfheartedly. "I'm fine."

Dean wasn't having any of that though. He knew what was bothering her and he placed a hand on the side of her face to make her look at him. "I don't believe you."

Putting on a brave face, Zara shook her head and gave him a more convincing smile. "I'll be okay. Let's just get this done."

"We'll talk later." Dean kissed her quickly and turned back to Sam who was walking Charlie through the first few steps.

Zara took a few more seconds to compose herself and then tried her best to focus on the task at hand. Charlie had made it to the seventh floor, but they had encountered a problem. There was a guard in between her and their target.

"What do you mean you can't just flirt your way through?" Dean asked tiredly.

"I mean," Charlie's voice came through the computer speakers. "He's not my type." Zara smirked. Of course the guard wasn't her type. She was a lesbian after all.

"You're just gonna have to play through that."

"But he's a man." Charlie seemed more jittery than when she left the truck.

"Uhmm… just imagine him with boobs."

Zara groaned. That wasn't going to help. "Give me the mic."

"Why?"

"Unless you want to flirt with a man via Charlie, I suggest you let me handle this." Wordlessly, Dean handed it over and Zara got down to business.

"Listen, I've got experience in both camps. Flirting with guys is a lot like flirting with girls. Lot's of compliments go a long way. I'll try and coach you through it Okay?"

"Compliment his muscles." Dean added. "Guys love that."

"You can do this. Chin up. Shoulders back. Confident smile. Are you doing it?"

"Yep." Charlie's voice was a little strained than before which was a plus at least.

"Okay, good. Now you just got home and Natalie Dormer is waiting for you."

"Hey, Bill. It's Charlie from IT." Charlie's voice was wavering even through the speakers. Thankfully Bill didn't seem to notice.

"Burning the midnight oil, huh?"

"Just like you, I mean, when you're not at the gym." Zara gave her the words and Charlie parroted them. "What? Do you work out with all your free time?"

"I try to get to they gym at least three times a week. I'm trying to get back to my fighting weight."

"It shows. You look amazing." Zara could hear Sam and Dean laughing at the ridiculous situation behind her and it was distracting. "You do anything else with your free time? Like take a girl out for a drink?" It was a bad segue she knew, but it didn't help that the boys were being too loud. "Shut up!" The words were out of her mouth before she realized that Charlie was going to repeat them. There was an awkward pause where everyone realized what just happened before Charlie stepped in and started babbling.

"Uhm… You ever hear of that new bar? That place is bringing sexy back. Which is awesome because-"

"Stop talking Charlie." Dean called from his seat. Thankfully she didn't repeat his words as well.

"So you were saying," Zara started in again and they fell into a rhythm- this time without the help of the peanut gallery. "Drinks?"

"Yeah, that'd be great."

"Cool! Pencil that in." Zara gave a sigh of relief. The flirting was over, now down to business. "Hey, can I ask you a favor? The lady's room downstairs is nasty. Mind if I use the exec wash room to… powder my nose?"

"Yeah sure, it's the down the hall- first door on the right."

As soon as Charlie turned the corner towards Dick's office, all of them gave a sigh of relief. "I feel dirty. I'm never doing that again."

Sam took back the mic. "You did great."

* * *

"The package will be at the airport at 9 o'clock on Friday night via private jet." Charlie was typing away at her computer. The plan went off without a hitch and now they were able to access Roman's server remotely.

"Great." Sam patted her on the back. "Thanks so much Charlie."

"Now it's time for me to disappear." Charlie sighed as she stood and looked around at her apartment for the last time. "Can't stay here while I'm still on Dick's radar."

"Do you need any help?"

"Nah, I'll be okay."

"Thanks again." Zara gave her a tight hug. "Stay safe out there Charlie."

Charlie hugged her back just as tightly. "You too."

* * *

"We're one step closer to getting Dick." Dean crowed as soon as they got back to Bobby's house.

"Wow, Dean. That one wasn't even funny." Sam snorted as he went to crash in his room and Dean and Zara headed towards theirs. It had been a long day.

"You're quiet." Dean commented as they finally lay down. "You didn't seem okay at Roman's. What's up?"

It was true. Zara had been uncharacteristically quiet the entire way home. She couldn't help but think about how close they were to the monster who killed her baby. She wished they could have just ended it right then and there. Why couldn't it be that straightforward? If she were stronger, if she knew how to control her power, maybe she could take Dick down. It wouldn't put anyone besides her at risk. But pondering ifs and maybes wasn't doing anything. She needed to DO something and she knew exactly what that was- practice, grow stronger, hone her skills, no matter what Sam or Dean said. Dean especially couldn't know though. It was another thing on Dean's shoulders and she didn't want to put that on him. Not to mention the fact that he explicitly asked her not to.

Instead of telling him what was weighing on her she gave him a sweet kiss and turned off the light. "It's nothing. I'll be fine tomorrow."

Dean clicked the light back on. "No, I know going back to Roman's was difficult for you, but you can't just ignore it."

"Why? It's what you do."

"And where has that got me? -Alcoholism and depression." Dean stated frankly. "I'm not exactly the poster child for healthy emotional habits. You don't have to do that."

"I fine." Zara emphasized. "Today just made me remember why we're doing this."

"And you're sure that's all?" Dean pressed. "You've got that look in your eye like when you're about to do something crazy."

"Look at you, we're official for a day and you're already talking like I'm your crazy ex girlfriend." Zara teased in an effort to distract him from his train of thought.

"No ex." Dean smiled as he leaned over and kissed her. "Just crazy girlfriend, but I already knew that." He gave her a longer, deeper kiss- his hands cupping her face gingerly. "Just like I know you're beautiful." He kissed her nose. "And funny." He kissed her neck. "And smart."

Zara pushed him back gently. "And tired." She added to his list of attributes. Catching her meaning, Dean backed off with a final kiss to her forehead and turn out the light again. His loving kisses and gentle acceptance made Zara feel even worse about keeping secrets from him, but that wasn't going to stop her. This power may not only be the answer to this problem, it could be the answer to everything. She wasn't going to find out if she shied away at the first sign of danger.

Dean settled behind her and placed an arm around her middle like they were used to. "So no crazy plans?" He asked one last time.

Zara felt her stomach sink. Their relationship was less than 24 hours old and she was already lying to him. Was this how it was going to be? Were they doomed to continually lie to protect one another? Maybe it hurt, but it was also the Winchester way. So who could blame her for taking a page out of Dean's book? She needed to do this. It was for the good of all. It was for revenge. It was for her baby girl.

And so Zara did something she had never done before. She used the mask that she naturally fell into when around threats. The same mask that Dean asked her to never use with him. The composure and cool serenity that always came with it make it easy for her to speak without betraying her emotions, but it didn't make what she was doing any easier. "No, Dean." She whispered into the dark. "I don't have any crazy plans."


	52. Chapter 52

A/N Hi Guys! How's it going? Are y'all ready for the spring break hellatus to end? I am! :)

Thank you to last week's reviewers: chinaluv, Emily AnnMcGarrett-Winchester, deangirlforever85, ArisuTamaZuki, icedragonfirebird, mamasam, Ivy, Sarah.B, and Maros-song! Because of you guys, I passed 300 reviews!

* * *

_Dean settled behind her and placed an arm around her middle like they were used to. "So no crazy plans?" He asked one last time._

_Zara felt her stomach sink. Their relationship was less than 24 hours old and she was already lying to him. Was this how it was going to be? Were they doomed to continually lie to protect one another? Maybe it hurt, but it was also the Winchester way. So who could blame her for taking a page out of Dean's book? She needed to do this. It was for the good of all. It was for revenge. It was for her baby girl._

_And so Zara did something she had never done before. She used the mask that she naturally fell into when around threats. The same mask that Dean asked her to never use with him. The composure and cool serenity that always came with it make it easy for her to speak without betraying her emotions, but it didn't make what she was doing any easier. "No, Dean." She whispered into the dark. "I don't have any crazy plans."_

* * *

**Chapter 52**

"Help me."

Zara could hear a small child's voice echoing through the dark forest. She could sense the child's fear and loneliness and her first instinct was to find the poor lost child. There had been a storm recently judging by all the branches and debris on the ground that Zara had to avoid as she made her way towards the voice. The forest was remarkably peaceful save for the child's pleas.

"Help me."

It seemed to be growing darker with each step Zara took in the forest. There were more fallen branches and damaged trees in her way and in her haste to find the child, she tripped on one of them and fell with a crash. That was when she noticed it- the huge claw marks on the trees. Now Zara could tell that there hadn't been a storm here. The large gouges told tales of a battle, but with what or who she had no idea. The quietness of the forest no longer felt peaceful. It felt ominous. A shiver went up Zara's back as she felt the uniquely terrifying sensation of being watched by an unseen predator.

"Help me."

Zara got up and started moving a little faster- eager to find the child and leave this forest. She could sense that whatever was watching her was now following her close behind, however she dared not look back to see what it was. Two more somethings joined the first on either side of her- hulking shadowy figures moving just out of full view. The shuffling and growling from the beasts was nearly drowned out by the pounding of her heartbeat in her ears as she ran faster and faster to get away. She caught fleeting glimpses of the shapes. They had black leathery skin, spindly arms ending in claws, and a mouthful of pointed teeth. Only once had Zara seen a creature like that in its natural form- back when she opened that portal to Purgatory. They were Leviathans. No matter how fast she ran, they always kept up the same distance- not too close, but not too far away either. It was as if they were herding her towards the voice that kept calling out insistently.

"Help me."

All of a sudden, Zara found herself in a clearing. The child was sitting in the middle wearing what looked to be a torn and ratty nightgown. Her back was towards Zara and her shoulders were shaking as if she were crying. The Leviathans prowled near the edge of the clearing- putting Zara on edge. She didn't know if they were unable to enter the clearing, making sure Zara didn't leave, or just waiting for the signal to attack.

Despite the foreboding feeling the monsters were giving her, Zara padded up to the child. Gently, Zara touched her shoulder and turned her around. The child's face was mostly shrouded in shadow, but nothing could hide her glowing golden eyes. There was an underlying rage and hatred in those eyes. Zara had seen that kind of malice in exactly one other person- Sean. Unable to move, Zara just stared into those unblinking orbs.

As soon as Zara had touched the child, the Leviathans stepped into the clearing- their jaws gaping and forked tongues flicking in and out quickly. Zara was paralyzed with fear and unable to do anything but stare into the child's spiteful eyes. With a flick of her hand, the child signaled the Leviathans to stop mere feet from Zara. Horrified, Zara realized that the child had never been crying. She had never been lost or afraid. She had been leading Zara here. She gave Zara a wicked, toothy grin before repeating her plea one last time in a menacing tone.

"Help me."

At those words, the Leviathans sprung and attacked Zara- ripping her to shreds, and still all Zara could do was stare at the little child in the nightgown with the glowing golden eyes.

* * *

Zara woke up screaming. Beside her, Dean bolted upright- gun in hand and eyes casting about wildly looking for the intruder who made Zara scream. When he Zara shaking and crying beside him, he realized that there was no threat and dropped the gun in favor of cradling her in his arms.

"Shhh." He soothed. "You're okay. It was just a dream. It wasn't real. You're safe." Eventually Zara calmed down enough to begin breathing normally again. However, her heart was still racing and the horror and fear that the dream had caused still lingered. She lay quietly in Dean's arms- the only place she really felt safe.

"Was it Sean?" Dean asked.

A dream about Sean wasn't unheard of. Zara had often woken up with a nightmare about her old abuser, but they had become less and less frequent in recent months. She shook her head- shuddering at the memory. "No. This was different."

Dean kissed the top of her head and glanced at the clock. "Well it's 5. We might as well get up. Wana tell me about it over breakfast?"

* * *

Dean stared into the depths of his coffee and resisted the urge to pour a shot of whiskey into it. "Wow, Zara… That's… That's awful."

"You think it means something?" Sam asked. He had joined them in the kitchen soon after they had sat down.

"I don't know." Zara sighed and closed her eyes- as if the darkness would erase the memory. She couldn't get the child's piercing golden eyes out of her head. "But I'd rather not talk about it anymore. What are we going to do until Friday?"

"We're going to Virginia." Bobby declared as he strode into the kitchen. "I just got a call. It sounds like a Vamp nest in the mountains and they need extra manpower. We should be back in plenty of time."

"Great." Dean smiled as he stood. "Been wanting to gank some bloodsuckers."

"I'll grab the gear." Sam left the room.

Zara looked down at her leg- still stuck in a cast. "I'm gonna sit this one out, boys. I won't be much help with a bum leg."

"You sure you'll be okay here alone?" Dean placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Yeah. I'll figure out something to do." Zara smiled. A week of the house all to herself was an excellent opportunity to practice her abilities without fear of detection.

"Okay. We'll be back soon." Dean gave her a swift kiss before leaving to pack a duffel.

* * *

"Stay safe!" Zara called out the door as they pulled away in the Impala and Bobby's truck.

As soon as she closed the door, she was thinking of ways she could test her power. She had only given energy to people or in spells, but if she was going to be careful about this she needed a better way. Her gaze landed on the lamp on the entryway. Perfect. Zara unscrewed the light bulb and held the metal part in her fist. Taking a deep breath, Zara adjusted her grip and let her energy flow into the light bulb. It glowed brightly for a second before it shattered in her hand.

"Too much energy." Zara whispered to herself as she got a broom to clean up the glass. "Take it slow."

On her second attempt, she took more care to let it flow more gradually. This time, the light shone steadily. It felt as natural as riding a bike. The small success made Zara want to move onto bigger things. Next, she unplugged the TV. Careful not to overload it like the first light bulb, Zara started with a very small amount of energy. At first she didn't think that it was working, but after a few seconds, the screen lit up. It took more energy than she expected so she let it go after a few seconds. She didn't want to tire herself out after only a few experiments.

For the next few hours, Zara focused on fine tuning her control with more light bulbs. A few of them exploded like the first one, but overall those few hours proved to be very informative. She never really had any chance to think about where the power came from, but now she could tell that it was from somewhere deep within herself. Whether it was her soul or something completely separate, Zara couldn't tell, but that realization was like the switch shone a light on a whole new world.

She started noticing other things. There was energy everywhere. If she looked close enough, not only could she see the physical object, but she could see all the energy contained within. Artificial energy like in electrical wires and other appliances glowed brightly. Other things, like natural energy, were more subtle. The most fascinating item was the potted plant in the living room. She could actually see how the plant took in the sun's rays and turned it into something the plant could use. To think that all these things were just under the surface and Zara was just now paying enough attention to notice them.

Naturally, Zara's next experiment focused on the plant. If she could se the energy, she could manipulate it. Right? Some of the leaves had begun to wilt so Zara touched one and focused on sending extra energy into it. Like the TV, it took an incredible amount of energy to get any results. But after a few minutes, the leaf was as lush and healthy as any of the others.

It was dark when Zara finally decided to take a break. She had spent the whole day fine tuning her skills and while she was amazed by her progress in just a day, she was also exhausted. Whatever energy reserve she had tapped was depleted considerably and Zara felt drained, hollow, and aching. As she sat sipping a beer and staring at the healed leaf on the plant, she had one last idea. If she could give out so much energy, could she take it as well?

Without a second thought, Zara reached down and lightly touched the wall plug beside her. She could feel energy coursing through the wires just under her fingertips and for a second she just reveled in feeling the raw power. Where she would normally push out from within to add to the flow, this time Zara focused on splitting the stream and directing some into herself. Within seconds, Zara was feeling more awake and energized. Another few seconds and she felt completely at 100%. The remaining lights in the house were dimming and yet Zara didn't want to stop. The urge to go farther was intoxicating. How much could she actually take?

Zara's hair started standing on end and she could feel sparks running up and down her arms. Yet, she kept going and going. Without any place to direct the energy, Zara held it within herself. She didn't notice it at first, but as she took more and more into herself, the familiar soul deep pain began rising up within her. It was too much. She was holding way too much. Zara broke contact and the lights went back to normal, but she didn't. Everything inside her was on fire. Whatever amount she could hold naturally was certainly exceeded and it was frying her from the inside.

Desperate for an outlet for so much energy, Zara forced it back into the outlet she had taken it from. Every light in the house brightened significantly before shattering and plunging Zara into darkness.


	53. Chapter 53

A/N Hi! How are y'all doing? Glad hellatus is over? I am! :) So in honor of passing 300 reviews, 50 chapters, and (within the next week) 40k views, I'm gonna give y'all the chance to name a new character! I'm in between two names right now, so just tell me which one you like better. Esemeli or Madimi? They're a bit odd, but she's a... different character. Let me know what you think!

Thank you to last chapter's reviewers: chinaluv, Superwoman rules, mamasam, icedragonfirebird, and KatHarvey!

* * *

_Zara's hair started standing on end and she could feel sparks running up and down her arms. Yet, she kept going and going. Without any place to direct the energy, Zara held it within herself. She didn't notice it at first, but as she took more and more into herself, the familiar soul deep pain began rising up within her. It was too much. She was holding way too much. Zara broke contact and the lights went back to normal, but she didn't. Everything inside her was on fire. Whatever amount she could hold naturally was certainly exceeded and it was frying her from the inside._

_Desperate for an outlet for so much energy, Zara forced it back into the outlet she had taken it from. Every light in the house brightened significantly before shattering and plunging Zara into darkness._

* * *

**Chapter 53**

There was a strange buzzing right next to Zara's head. Groaning, Zara opened her eyes to see that her phone was ringing. It was Dean. After all the bulbs shattered, Zara had passed out at the kitchen table. It looked like she had only been out for a few hours.

"Hello?" Zara answered groggily. She tried to stretch out, but she winced when every one of her muscles screamed at her in protest.

"Hey, Princess." Dean's voice on the other side made Zara smile. "We just got in. It looks like a fairly straightforward job, but we won't be back until the end of the week."

"Oh okay." Zara got up and headed towards their room. It was late and she would probably just fall asleep when they were done talking. The house was still dark due to her display earlier so Zara moved as carefully as she could to avoid any broken glass. "How many are there?"

"We're not sure yet. We're waiting for our contact to come in so we can go in a larger group- safety in numbers and all that. We'll grab the package from Dick on the way back."

"Sounds great." Zara stifled another yawn.

"You okay? You sound funny."

Zara bit her lip. How many lies would she have to tell him before this was all done? "I just woke up from an intense nap. I'm fine."

"Lazy bones." Dean teased.

"Guilty as charged."

"Alright, I should get some rest. It's been a long day. Just wanted to tell you we were here."

"Okay." Zara was getting into bed as well. "Goodnight, Dean. Stay safe."

"Miss you."

* * *

"Help me."

The child's haunting voice still echoed in Zara's ears as she woke up screaming for the second night in a row. Except this time Dean wasn't there to calm her down. She could still feel the Leviathan's claws ripping into her flesh and see the child's hate-filled eyes staring into her soul. Desperately, Zara fumbled to turn on the lights, but when she pulled the chain of the lamp on the night table, nothing happened.

If Zara had been in a rational state of mind, she would have immediately remembered that she had blown all the lights out earlier and was completely safe despite the darkness. She was not in a rational state of mind. In her panicked state, all she could do was frantically search for something that would give her a sense of peace and security. The first thing her hands landed on was one of Dean's cast off shirts. She clutched the shirt tightly in her hands and breathed in his scent. It may not have been him, but it brought Zara back to reality- he was the one who grounded her, who made her feel safe. She wasn't in the war torn forest. She was in the real world, and more importantly- away from the child.

That day, the first thing Zara did was replace every light in the house. Not only did they give her a little peace of mind, but they would light the long nights Zara would stay awake to avoid the nightmares. She didn't sleep for the next three nights- opting instead to practice. Anything was better than seeing those terrible golden eyes every time she closed her own.

In the brief time Zara had been practicing, she had already gotten stronger, more sure of herself, and better at focusing her energy. She learned that while taking in too much energy from her surroundings hurt like Hell, acting as a conduit for the power was extremely useful. That way, she could power things that took much more power without having to deplete too much of her own reserve. Also, while touching something made it much easier to manipulate, it wasn't necessary. By the end of her second day awake, Zara could light a light bulb that was across the room from her without too much difficulty.

Unfortunately, her progress in some areas seemed to be negatively correlated with other areas of life. Dean called periodically to update her of their progress and make sure she was okay. And while she assured him that she was fine, she certainly didn't look it. The combined strain of sleep deprivation and continuous energy drain was doing a number on her body. By her third day of no sleep she looked quite disheveled. She had been wearing one of Dean's shirts for the past couple days, her hair was sticking up at odd angles, and her eyes were sunken and bloodshot. She couldn't remember the last time she had taken a shower or eaten a real meal. Zara told herself that it was just because she didn't want to stop practicing, but she knew it was really because she was scared of what would happen if she took a break- if she accidentally fell asleep again.

* * *

"You've been tense recently." Balthazar's companion remarked dryly. In his months with the ancient guardian, Balthazar had begun to get to know him. They had become, for lack of a better word, friends in their forced isolation. Despite their differences, they understood each other. He could recognize the concern behind the words that sounded so indifferent.

Balthazar sighed. He _had_ been more twitchy than usual and it was all because of Zara. Because of his connection to her, he could tell when she was doing something careless or irresponsible. It was like an itch that Balthazar could feel but couldn't scratch and it was happening even more often than usual. "My charge- she's being reckless. I don't know what she's doing, but I have this uneasy feeling…" The knowledge that he could leave his cell at any time was infuriating, but he had been waiting to convince Gadreel to come with him. Considering what Balthazar had a feeling Zara was doing, maybe he should leave. But then he still didn't know how to navigate the ever changing maze that was Heaven's prisons, and if anyone was going to know how, it was Gadreel. It all came back to convincing the older angel to escape with him. For maybe the hundredth time, Balthazar pleaded with Gadreel. "Come with me."

"No." Gadreel replied tiredly.

"Come with me, Gad." Balthazar said again. "Together we have a better chance of getting out alive."

"No, Balthazar." Gadreel snapped at him- weary of the question. "It's a fool's hope. You should give up this poisonous dream."

Balthazar pounded on the wall- frustrated. There had to be more behind the older guardian's reluctance. Why else would he refuse freedom? "What are you so afraid of, Gad? Tell me the truth."

Gadreel's answer was something that Balthazar didn't expect, but he immediately understood the angel's fear. "They will cut off your wings." Balthazar's stunned silence seemed to spur Gadreel on. "I have seen it before. The angels who make themselves a nuisance have their wings cut off by Thaddeus the Torturer. Their screams echo through the entire prison. Many of them were my friends. I can still hear them." Gadreel's voice grew desperate. "Give up these hopeless schemes. They will never work. I do not want to hear your screams from down the hall next."

* * *

"Hey, Dean." Zara answered the phone tiredly as she sat on the sofa. "What's up?" It was impressive even to Zara that she could keep up a chipper voice despite her exhaustion.

"The vamps are dead. We got Dick's package on our way back." Dean replied happily. "We'll be back late tonight."

"Really? That's great!" Zara could feel herself waking back up at the sound of Dean's voice. He was coming home soon. They talked for another few minutes and then Zara hung up. The conversation served as a wake up call. Suddenly, Zara noticed the state she had allowed herself to sink into. She desperately needed a shower, a full meal, and a nap… or three. The house was in much the same state of dishevelment as Zara was.

Spurred on by the thought that he boys would be home soon and maybe Zara could get a full night of sleep within the safety of Dean's arms, she jumped up and started putting everything back in order. She couldn't let Dean see her like this. She couldn't have him be asking questions. This week had been a chance to be free of the prying, judging eyes of others. It had been truly liberating and she had learned so much about what she was capable of. She would have never been able to do that if she hadn't been alone. The boys didn't understand. They couldn't. They were ignoring all the benefits in the name of keeping her safe, but Zara didn't want to be safe. She wanted to get revenge and for that she needed to be strong. If that meant keeping this week from the boys, so be it. As she cleaned the evidence of the past week from herself and the house, a feeling of heaviness settled over her again. It was time to begin the lie anew.


	54. Chapter 54

A/N Hey! Sorry it's a day late. I was having technical difficulties.

I'm going to go ahead and say this since people have been asking me. I thought I had made it clear early on that I would not be including smut in this story. Apparently I wasn't clear enough though. I don't write it and I don't feel like it's really important to my story. If it ever becomes an important part of the story, then I will say so. Feel free to imagine them doing it whenever or however you so desire- sweet, rough, on the table, in the car, not at all, whatever. I don't care. It's up to you.

Thank you to all of last week's reviewers: mamasam, chinaluv, icedragonfirebird, Sarah.B, and MegzDean. I couldn't do it without you! :)

* * *

_Spurred on by the thought that he boys would be home soon and maybe Zara could get a full night of sleep within the safety of Dean's arms, she jumped up and started putting everything back in order. She couldn't let Dean see her like this. She couldn't have him be asking questions. This week had been a chance to be free of the prying, judging eyes of others. It had been truly liberating and she had learned so much about what she was capable of. She would have never been able to do that if she hadn't been alone. The boys didn't understand. They couldn't. They were ignoring all the benefits in the name of keeping her safe, but Zara didn't want to be safe. She wanted to get revenge and for that she needed to be strong. If that meant keeping this week from the boys, so be it. As she cleaned the evidence of the past week from herself and the house, a feeling of heaviness settled over her again. It was time to begin the lie anew._

* * *

**Chapter 54**

"Help me!"

Fear automatically spiked through Zara when she realized that she was once again in the dream forest. The scratches on the trees were the same. But the voice echoing through the forest was different this time. Instead of a child's lost cries, it sounded like a terrified old woman. Curious, Zara ignored past experience and followed the voice. For some reason, she wasn't really scared of the monsters that were inevitably in the brush- even though they were the ones who always ripped her apart. No. She was much more afraid of the child who could control them. But the person yelling for help wasn't the child this time. It didn't seem that Zara was to repeat her nightmare in the same way tonight.

"Help me!"

It sounded like the woman was coming towards her quickly. Zara could hear someone crashing through the underbrush ahead of her and the suddenly she was right in front of Zara. The woman looked to be in her seventies. Her hair was sticking up at odd angles, her clothes were torn and tattered, and her face was contorted in a grimace of terror. The woman didn't notice Zara as she ran past and deeper into the forest. As soon as she had disappeared, three new figures appeared in front of Zara. It was the child, flanked by two huge Leviathans.

The child hardly acknowledged her presence as she flicked her wrist- a commanding gesture Zara was now quite familiar with. The Leviathans heeded her wordless command and bounded off towards the woman- their many legs quickly scuttling by, almost spider-like. Zara didn't think that the child could horrify her any more than ordering her own demise, apparently she had been wrong. The two stood side by side in silence- staring towards where the Leviathans had gone. Zara refused to think about exactly what they were waiting for until she heard the old woman scream and then choke out abruptly.

The child looked up at her and smiled a wicked grin. In a gleeful voice she said, "See you soon, Akele."

* * *

Zara didn't wake up screaming this time. Instead she was filled with an incredible sense of dread. The child knew her, by her Enochian name even. And what was that about seeing her soon? These dreams had lost their dream quality. Instead, they felt like they were real- as if she were really in that other world or as the child said, she would be very soon.

In an effort to shake off the horror of her dream, Zara rolled over to Dean who had gotten in late that night. It was fairly late in the morning, so Zara decided to wake him up. Leaning over him, Zara kissed him sweetly- one hand ruffling in his hair. In moments, Dean was awake and smiling into the kiss as he wrapped his hands around her waist.

"Good morning." Dean mumbled. "You know, that was the best sleep I've had all week."

"Well I'm sorry to wake you, but it's past 9."

"No, it's fine. It's the best way to wake up too." Dean grinned as he leaned up and kissed her again. "You're always the best part of my day- sleeping or awake."

"Well maybe I can make it even better with a few chocolate chip pancakes."

"Mmm… sounds great." Zara stole another kiss before jumping up and heading towards the kitchen.

* * *

The sound of forks scraping the plates and relative silence from her boys was enough to tell Zara she had made another good breakfast. It made her happy. She never really got the chance to do something so ordinary and breakfast wasn't too hard to get right.

"So we're gone for a week and this is the project you choose?" Bobby asked- motioning at all the new lighting. "Energy saver bulbs?"

"Go green." Zara said nonchalantly. She tried her best not to show that there was more to that story. "Actually there was a freak storm a few days ago. I think the house got struck by lightning. A few burst so I just figured I'd upgrade the whole lot." Her bogus explanation seemed to mollify them and the kitchen lapsed back into comfortable silence. Zara was glad that they didn't seem to be suspicious about her activities the past week. It was so much easier when they weren't asking questions.

Glancing back up at Bobby, Zara caught a glimpse of a familiar pulse of energy. Like the plant, humans also had their own subtle energy system. Fascinated, Zara watched as the power radiated through the man's body. It was incredible. A stray thought then captured her. Like the plant, Zara could manipulate that energy. She had done it before- though she didn't really know the details as well. Adding power to systems was easy… draining it was even more so. Draining someone's life force would be just as easy as draining a battery. Of course, she would never do it. The sheer fact that she had had that thought unsettled Zara. What was she thinking? Draining electrical energy was one thing… THAT was crossing a line.

Casting that thought aside, Zara focused on the fact that she was especially glad that she wasn't alone anymore. The silence of the empty house had gotten pretty lonely after a while. She was glad her boys were home safe and sound. Zara looked over each of them fondly. Sam- back to full health and, while he was still dealing with his own mental healing, he never complained or faltered in the job. Bobby- wise and steadfast, he was the father that they all needed and missed out on in their own pasts. And then there was Dean. Dean was strong, caring, and the love of her life. And she was lying to every single one of them. No- mustn't think about that. Not now. It's not time for them to know.

Zara's eyes slid over to the large block of clay that lay in the center of the table. The boys had nabbed it the night before. It was the next piece of the puzzle- the Leviathan tablet. With that, they could figure out how to kill Dick and by extension all the other Leviathans. They just needed Kevin and… Kevin was what? 16? Zara sat back for a second. Were they about to ask a 16 year old kid to enter into this world? Zara knew this was pretty late in the game to be asking about the morality of what they were going to do today, but it had to be considered. They were, at least Zara was, knowingly condemning this innocent kid to a life filled with pain and heartache and ultimately death at the hands of his friends. This wasn't right. This wasn't what they had been fighting for. If they had another way, ANY other way, they should take it. Shouldn't they?

"What's up?" Dean asked when he noticed her pensive silence.

"Once we open that thing up," Zara pointed to the clay covering the tablet. "Then Kevin will awaken and come looking for it."

"Right. It's a pretty convenient set up if you ask me."

"What's the issue then?" Sam asked.

"Kevin." Zara sighed. "He's 16. He's just a kid."

Bobby groaned loudly. "Aw hell. You couldn't have said that a month ago maybe?"

"I only just thought about it." Zara replied quietly. "What we're about to ask him, what we're about to open him up to… It'll quite literally be the death of him."

"Maybe we could talk to him." Sam offered. "Maybe we could give him a choice."

"Oh and what are we gonna say to him?" Bobby snapped. "'Oh hey, we're on the verge of an apocalypse and we need your help. And if that wasn't enough, you'll be in so much danger that you and your family will have to drop everything and hide for the rest of your lives.'" Bobby turned to Dean. "What do you think?"

Dean heaved a large sigh. He had been quietly contemplating their predicament since Zara brought it up. It was times like these that Dean wished that Zara didn't have all this knowledge. It made everything more complicated. It would have been easier not knowing. At least their consciences would be clear. Bringing a kid into this was regrettable, of course. But it wasn't their first time doing something like this. Heck, Dean was thrown in at 4. It wasn't like he didn't know what it was like. It was a hard choice, but they didn't have any other options. Finally Dean looked up. "Would I love to spare the kid? Of course. But he's a prophet right? He's gonna get dragged into it anyway. Why not let it happen now where we can help him?" The other two seemed to agree with him. It wasn't an easy choice, but they would stand by it.

Zara's mouth shot open. "I can't believe you. Your whole life has been an attempt to change fate. And look at what I've already changed! Some people are alive because of me! What if I can save Kevin too?" Zara's mind was racing with possible alternatives- anything, ANYTHING to save this poor kid.

"I thought you wanted revenge. According to your own words, this is how we do it."

"I do." Zara bit her lip nervously. "I'm just worried about the people we're hurting along the way."

"You didn't seem to have that problem when you asked Charlie to be a double agent." Sam supplied. The tension in the room was palpable. None of them wanted to do this. They all wanted to agree with Zara, but there wasn't another option at this point.

"It was different with Charlie. She was going to be involved whether we wanted her to or not." Zara argued desperately. She felt like she was the only one fighting for the kid. Maybe, just maybe, she could prevent his ultimate demise, but his life would be virtually ruined after today if they went through with this anyway. "With Kevin… This is going to ruin his life. Forever. And we KNOW and it's OUR decision. We're toying with the life of a kid who we don't even know. I can't help but think that if you had the choice to do it over again, you wouldn't have involved him."

"Look, I get it." Dean pinched the bridge of his nose. "It's a tough decision. I know. And I regret having to do this as much as you do, but what else are we gonna do?"

Zara wracked her brain feverishly. There had to be something. They had to have another option… and there was! "I could open the portal again and throw him back in! I've been practicing! I think I can do it!" The idea was out of Zara's mouth before she even realized what she had said. In the heat of the moment she let out the secret that she had been working so hard to conceal. She could feel all the blood draining from her face.

The room fell silent- a stark contrast to the heated discussion of a minute ago. Bobby's shocked expression and Sam's quiet disappointment were nothing compared to Dean's reaction. Dean looked like he had been punched in the gut "… You've what?" He whispered.

"I've been… practicing." Zara admitted quietly. Everything felt like it was crumbling in around her. She had tried so hard to keep it from them. She had carefully constructed the lie and it had come crashing down within 10 seconds of a careless emotional outburst. Zara couldn't help but think back to when she promised Dean she would never go down this path even though she never really meant it. She remembered every time he asked her if she was doing something reckless. She remembered every lie that had brought her here.

"Sam, Bobby," Dean finally croaked hoarsely- as if his throat had suddenly gone dry. "Could you give us a minute?"

They each nodded solemnly. They knew how much this had hurt Dean- how important his trust in her had meant to him. Zara didn't want them to leave. She silently pleaded with one of them to stay- but they didn't. Instead they pushed in their chairs and went into the living room. Looking back at Dean, Zara's heartbeat started racing and a lump formed in her throat. He had stood up when the others left. He had positioned himself across the kitchen from her. His back was facing her as he leaned with both hands on the countertop- shoulders tense. There was a table in between them. Zara didn't know if he purposely did that to reassure her that he would never physically fly at her or to give her a head start in the event that he ever did. This was the first time Zara had ever felt marginally unsafe with Dean in the room. If this had been Sean, he would have leapt forward and started pounding on her mercilessly. Dean didn't do that though. He had kept his distance. When he finally took a deep breath and turned back towards her, the way Dean was looking at her almost made Zara wish he was beating her up instead. The betrayal in his eyes hurt ten times worse than any blow.

"How long?" Dean asked quietly. Everything he did seemed to be measured and calculated- concealing his full emotions.

"A while…" Zara started babbling- as if explaining it would make the lie any better. "But, I've been careful. I've made sure I never overexerted myself… mostly. I'm learning how to control it!"

"You're missing the point, Zara." Dean snapped irritably. He couldn't conceal the slight tremor in his tone- his voice was the true betrayal of his emotions. He was hurt, angry, and tired- tired of people not being honest with him. "You promised me you'd never do this. Did you ever intend on keeping that promise? And then when I asked you if you were doing anything reckless, you lied to me! You lied straight to my face! I would have expected this from Meg, Cas," Dean threw his hands up. "heck, even Sammy- God knows he's lied to me dozens of times. I would have expected this from anyone but you. I thought we promised to be honest with each other. I trusted you."

The last sentence brought tears to Zara's eyes. She had fought long and hard for Dean's trust. Why had she insisted on breaking it? "Dean, please-" She took a step towards him- one hand outstretched, but he automatically took an equal one back. The space between them broke Zara's heart that little bit more. "Forgive me." She pleaded.

"I can't." Dean shook his head. "I can't be around you right now. I can't do this. I can't." He backed up until his hand was on the handle to the back door. "Not right now. I just can't." He whispered as he opened the door and left Zara alone in the kitchen. Seconds later, she heard the engine of the Impala rev up and the gravel crunch as he drove away.

Zara felt numb. It was as if everything had been drained out of her and she was just the shell left behind. Everything they had accomplished together these past few months… every good and happy memory she had had with Dean… every time she had thought for a moment that they might be happy one day… it was all gone- just like Dean had walked out that door. And it was all her fault. She couldn't blame it on an abusive husband or a sad childhood. This was all her. Somehow, Zara would have rathered a blow to the face. Zara finally sank down into a chair and let the tears fall that had been threatening to pour since the beginning. She didn't know how long she sat there crying, but she knew for sure that it would continue to hurt long after the tears stopped.


	55. Chapter 55

A/N Hey guys! How's it going? This chapter is a bit of a doosie I will admit. At least I didn't have Dean come back "smelling like another woman's perfume" like I had toyed with. ;) Kevin is finally here and let me tell you it was a lot of fun to write him- especially from his perspective. I love him. We're coming up on the season 7 finale (can I get a hallalujah?!). This season took longer than I had planned, but it was enjoyable. We also have about 3 or 4 chapters until we meet this new mystery character that I'm still trying to name. So far I have one vote for each, so let me know which you like better (Esemeli or Madimi). I really don't want to give much away, but she is an interesting character. I'm super excited about it. :) Anyway, I hope you don't kill me too much for this chapter...

Thank you to all my LOVELY reviewers this week: chinaluv, WinterViolets, mamasam, icedragonfirebird, Sarah.B, sunshine102897, and LillyLynx!

And even if you've only reviewed once or do it every week and I've memorized your URLs, know that you make me smile and I love you guys. Y'all are the best.

* * *

_Zara felt numb. It was as if everything had been drained out of her and she was just the shell left behind. Everything they had accomplished together these past few months… every good and happy memory she had had with Dean… every time she had thought for a moment that they might be happy one day… it was all gone- just like Dean had walked out that door. And it was all her fault. She couldn't blame it on an abusive husband or a sad childhood. This was all her. Somehow, Zara would have rathered a blow to the face. Zara finally sank down into a chair and let the tears fall that had been threatening to pour since the beginning. She didn't know how long she sat there crying, but she knew for sure that it would continue to hurt long after the tears stopped._

* * *

**Chapter 55**

Dean didn't come back before Zara went to bed- feeling tired and empty. When Dean left, Zara felt like whatever was keeping her anchored left as well. She needed him, but she had driven him away. If her tears hadn't been used up earlier, she would have certainly cried herself to sleep instead of just collapsing in exhaustion from her expended emotions.

It was way past midnight when she was awoken by the sound of thunder outside. It hadn't seemed like there was going to be a storm when she went to bed, but now it was pouring. It wasn't until after another crash of thunder that Zara noticed that there was another pounding sound coming from within the house- like someone taking a hammer to stone.

Curious, Zara got out of bed to investigate the sound. She came upon Dean in the kitchen- methodically breaking open the clay that encased the tablet. "What are you doing?" As soon as she alerted him that she was there, Dean looked up at her- his eyes piercing her soul. In an instant, the emotions that were the result of their fight the day earlier came rushing back. Zara could tell that Dean was far from calmed down since then. He was still as angry and hurt as when he had left.

"What am I doing?" Dean scoffed quietly. "I'm doing my part to stop a monster world takeover."

"But Kevin…"

"I KNOW!" Dean snapped angrily, but he quickly lowered his voice as he sank down into a kitchen chair- the broken bits of clay and stone were scattered all across the table in front of him. "I know."

Zara sat in the chair across from him. "And now what?"

Dean leaned and grabbed a bottle from the counter and poured himself a glass of whiskey. He avoided Zara's gaze. "_I'm_ going to wait up for the kid. I don't care what _you_ do."

"Dean, I'm sorry." Zara reached out to hold one of his hands, but he withdrew it slowly. "You're being childish."

Dean snorted. "_I'm_ being childish? I'm being- no. You're the one who has been acting childish. I'm trying to keep a…" He took another swig of his drink. "… a civil distance."

"Is that what we have now? '-Civil Distance?'" Zara gave a heavy sigh.

Dean finally looked back up at her. "For now." He poured himself some more whiskey.

His coldness was upsetting. Zara didn't think that he would come back still angry. She deserved it, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. "At least let me explain." Zara pushed. "At least let me show you what I can do."

"No." Dean said firmly. "Just… stop."

From then on, they sat in silence- Dean periodically sipping his whiskey and Zara frustratedly tracing a knot in the tabletop. Neither of them had anything to say to each other, at least, that the other would listen to. And so they both sat there watching the kitchen grow lighter and lighter as the storm broke and the sun came up. Eventually Bobby and Sam each trickled in to grab their breakfast, but they quickly retreated so as to avoid whatever stalemate they had walked in on.

As the morning wore on, Zara couldn't ignore the rumbling in her stomach any longer. She couldn't fix whatever was going on between her and Dean if he didn't want to talk about it, but she could at least fix her hunger. Resignedly, she got up and started quietly getting out ingredients to make a PB&amp;J and out of habit she ended up making sandwiches for everyone. It was almost cathartic. Normal was good. Routine was key when the rock she always clung to for support was gone. Zara took Sam and Bobby their sandwiches and found them talking quietly in the library/office.

"Zara have you seen this?" Sam turned his laptop around to show her a headline reading, DICK ROMAN: THE BIGGEST NEW NAME IN FOOD. "He's bought up all the main food distributors and manufacturers in the country, not to mention what he's done in R&amp;D."

"It's his big plan." Zara sighed. "Fatten us up and dumb us down with the stuff in our food. We're much easier prey that way."

Bobby raised an eyebrow. "And you aren't worried about this?"

Zara shook her head. "Our main problem is Dick. He's the brains of this operation. Cut off the head of and the body will flounder."

"That still means we have a whole army of black blooded monsters to deal with when it's all said and done."

"One step at a time I guess." Zara heard a knock at the door- that must be Kevin. "And it looks like the next step is here." She excused herself and bumped into Dean on the way to the door. "I'll get it." Zara said quietly- not looking directly at him. She tried to push past Dean to get to the door but he stopped her.

"I'm the one who called him here." Dean gave her a pointed look before he stepped in front of her and opened the door on a scrawny looking Asian teenager. Dean glanced back at Zara dubiously- as if to ask if this was really the guy she had talked so highly of. She could only nod slightly in response.

Almost before Dean had fully opened the door, he started babbling. "I-I don't know why I'm here. I just have to- I don't know. I need to find something. I've been chosen."

"Whoa, whoa." Dean threw up his hands disarmingly. "Let's start with your name."

The kid prophet nodded as if that simple task ordered his thoughts. "I-I'm Kevin Tran. I'm in advanced placement."

* * *

_You missed the test Kevin._

_What are you doing?_

**_Need to find it._**

_You stole your mother's car._

_This wasn't in the plan._

**_Fulfill your purpose_**_._

_No one knows where you are._

_These people are gonna think you're nuts._

**_You have been chosen._**

_What are you doing here?_

_What is happening?_

**_Answers are just inside that door._**

Kevin Tran sat in his mother's parked car just outside an old house in the country. All his life he got straight A's. He was never given a problem he didn't know the answer to- until now. He didn't know what led him there or why he was compelled to drop everything and drive hours away to this very spot. He didn't know what this new voice or calling or whatever was, but it was insistent and unignorable- like an incurable itch. All he knew at this point was that he NEEDED to get whatever was in that house.

Without really thinking about what his body was doing, he got out of the car, walked up to the front door of the house, and knocked. Kevin held his breath and hoped that there was no one there so that he could just forget everything and go back home, but soon after the door opened to reveal two figures. His gaze immediately fell on the large, annoyed-looking man who had opened the door and his intimidating demeanor made Kevin feel even more on edge than before. He started babbling and he knew his words were making absolutely no sense, but he couldn't stop. The large man looked back at the figure behind him. She had a darker complexion and long, dark braided hair, but what was most captivating were her golden eyes. They held a kindness that put Kevin more at ease, but he could sense a deep sadness hidden behind it.

What was that? The two were now looking at him expectantly. The large man had asked him a question right? His name. Okay. Right. THAT he did know. He had answered that question millions of times- even more in recent months when he had been faced with interviews and competitions. He knew the answer to that question. "I-I'm Kevin Tran. I'm in advanced placement."

The large man nodded, as if that was all he needed to know, and opened the door a little wider so that Kevin could walk in. "I'm Dean. I think we have what you're looking for." Hesitantly, Kevin entered the old country house. It wasn't much, but it held a messy, lived-in feel. Kevin's eyes widened when he saw the large amount of gun parts that had been laid out meticulously on a table. The large man who said he was Dean led him into an office area where two other men were sitting at a desk. One was a gruff looking old man and the other was a long haired man that Kevin could tell would have towered over him considerably if he had been standing. "Guys," Dean greeted them as they entered. "This is Kevin. That's Sam and Bobby." He glanced at Kevin as he pointed to each of them respectively and they gave a little wave.

It felt so surreal. Kevin had just shown up at their doorstep- babbling and acting like a crazy person, and they just acted like it was normal. It was almost like they were expecting him. Of course, whoever kept copious amounts of gun parts laying around and expected unexpected visitors were probably going to be just as crazy as Kevin felt right now. As a side note, Kevin noticed that while Dean had made a point to introduce him to the others in the house, he hadn't introduced him to the woman who was following behind them. He quickly forgot about it though, because Dean then led him down the hallway to what looked like a kitchen. Kevin automatically felt drawn to it. He could tell that whatever was in that room was what he was looking for. Whatever this was would answer his questions. However when he saw the crumbled bits of clay and a slab of stone lying on the table, he just had more and more questions.

Automatically, Kevin stepped forward and picked it up. This was what he was looking for, but why? It was a slab of stone about a foot wide and it had strange markings on it. Kevin had never seen the markings before, but somehow he just knew that if he looked hard enough he could understand them. Even now the symbols were coming together in his mind. **Leviathan **_What?_ Kevin dropped the tablet and backed away from it quickly.

"What is that? Why am I here?" He said in a shaking, panicky voice. His heart beat was pounding in his ears. It was getting hard to breathe. The academic part of Kevin's brain told him he was having a panic attack even as it started. "What is happening?"

The woman rushed over to him and placed a calming hand on each of his shoulders. "Kevin? Kevin- look at me. Hey. Hey. It's alright. You've got questions? We have answers, but I need you to calm down first." Kevin hardly heard her, but he could feel his body respond to her touch. He didn't know how, but his heart rate and breathing automatically started to slow back down and he started feeling sleepy instead of panicked.

In the state he was in, Kevin didn't notice the lights brighten slightly, but Dean did. "Stop it, Zara." Dean said in a stern voice, there was an undercurrent of worry in his voice as well. When she didn't respond right away, he raised his voice. "I said stop! Damn it, Zara." She backed away and gave him a look. "Do you ever know when enough is enough?"

The woman, wait no, Zara glared at Dean. "He was having a panic attack. I could help. If you had listened to me earlier, then you'd know that."

"Unbelievable." Dean muttered under his breath as he turned back to Kevin. "You wana sit down?"

Warily, Kevin sat at the table. The tablet was right in front of him, but he refused to look at it. It freaked him out. The other two sat on opposite sides of him. There was a tense undercurrent between them. It was then that Kevin realized that Dean hadn't been annoyed at him when he had opened the door. He had been annoyed with Zara. It was evident that there was something going on between them. "What's going on?"

"First, we have to ask you to keep an open mind okay?" Zara began. "What we're about to tell you sounds crazy, but-"

"You're a prophet." Dean broke in. "And we need you to read the chicken scratch on the God rock."

"Way to break it to him slowly, Dean." Zara snapped at him.

"Don't baby him." Dean snapped back. "We can't waste time when we're telling him things that could save his life. The Leviathans want him. The demons want him. The angels want him. He's gotta get used to it."

Zara threw up her hands. "Jesus Christ, Dean. He's sixteen!"

"And I was four years old when I found out that there were monsters in the dark, Zara!" Dean stood halfway up from his seat- his hands planted on the table. "Don't play that card with me!"

Kevin was hyperventilating again. Angels? Demons? Monsters? And then there was that word again- the same as on the tablet. **Leviathans**. Whatever world he had been thrown into was crazy and foreign and overwhelming. Kevin felt sick. "WHAT IS HAPPENING?!" The two adults turned back to him guiltily. This hadn't gone to plan. "WHAT IS GOING ON? WHAT ARE LEVIATHANS?"

Zara reached out her hand to calm Kevin down again and Dean got up angrily. "OH MY GOD, ZARA."

Suddenly, Sam and Bobby came into the kitchen. Bobby seemed almost as angry as Dean and Zara were. "Both of you Idjits get out of here right now!" Bobby yelled as he smacked Dean upside the head and pointed toward the back door. "I don't want to see either of your mugs back in here until you've got your heads screwed on straight." The two left quickly and the tension left with them. The kitchen was suddenly quiet save for the sound of Kevin's panicked breathing. "Sorry, 'bout that." Bobby sighed as he ran a hand down his face. "Sam, get this kid a paper bag."

* * *

Zara was angry. Dean couldn't see past his own hurt feelings! He couldn't see that she was helping. He wouldn't listen to her. His close mindedness was holding them back. She followed him towards the garage and when the door closed behind her, Dean turned around to face her. He was just as furious at her as she was at him.

"I can't believe you!" Dean raised his voice. He was no longer afraid of intimidating her like he had all those months ago. He had proved that he would never strike her like Sean had and he made sure she was aware of that through the distance he kept with her, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to yell. "After everything, you go and do a thing like that!"

"I was helping!"

"Don't give me that." Dean scoffed. "I'm not stupid. You were draining his energy. Don't you see how dangerous that is?"

"I do in fact!" Zara jumped at the chance to prove that she knew what she was doing. "I've almost died a couple times because of this. I think I know mine and other people's limits by now."

Dean closed his eyes and stayed silent for a second. When he spoke again, it was considerably quieter. "That's just the thing." He took a small step towards her and reached out as if he were going to run a hand down her arm. It ghosted over her before he slowly retracted it. "You talk about almost dying and you forget that someone already has died because of this, maybe two since we still don't know where Balthazar is. You remember why we agreed that this power was dangerous?" When Zara finally met Dean's eyes, she noticed tears threatening to fall. "Am I the only one around here who remembers that we were supposed to have a daughter? Alicia Grace Winchester…" Dean rolled the name abound his mouth much like he did the first time he heard it before hardening his voice into an accusing tone. "She's dead because of this."

He did NOT just go there. No. Zara was way past plain anger now. She was livid. To imply that it was Zara's fault her child was dead- as if she had a choice. To imply that he was the only one who grieved for their daughter. "How dare you!" Zara spat at him. "Don't talk to me like you're the only one who grieved for her."

Dean knew he had gone too far. "Zara-"

"No. Don't talk to me. Don't follow me. Don't come near me. Ever." With that, Zara left the garage and ran out before the tears came. They blurred her vision and Zara could hardly see through the tears. Somehow she ended up sitting next to a tree on the far edge of the property. Dean didn't understand. Zara couldn't grieve. She had learned to keep her grief in- to use it and work it out in other ways. When her dad died, she threw herself into dance. When her mother died, she threw herself into her schoolwork. When her brother died, she threw herself into her relationship with Sean. Zara wasn't disgracing Alicia's memory by practicing her power. It was her outlet. It was her way to cope. And if she got better at it, something like that would never happen again. Dean had no right to accuse her of not grieving. Dean had no right to accuse her of not caring. Dean had no right…

Eventually, Zara's tears dried up and left her feeling hollow. She needed a distraction. She needed to do something other than cry. Zara picked herself up off the ground and tried to clean herself off as best she could before heading back towards the house. Thankfully it looked like Dean had gone out for a drive, so she wouldn't have to deal with him. When she entered the house, she found Kevin sitting at the table writing down whatever he read on the tablet. Sam got up from his post next to Kevin when he noticed she had come back.

"What happened?" He asked quietly so as to not disturb the prophet at work.

Zara shook her head and grabbed a beer from the fridge. "I don't want to talk about it." There was too much to think about and Zara didn't want to deal with any of it. Instead she sat down and watched Kevin methodically take down his notes. It was precise, organized- nothing like her shambles of a life. It didn't feel like Zara knew anything for sure anymore. But one thing was almost certain, whatever Dean was doing or thinking, Zara didn't care one iota. She didn't need his approval or his blessing. She didn't need him at all. Zara was DONE with Dean Winchester.


	56. Chapter 56

A/N Hi! So that explosive fight happened... I'm kind of sorry? Not really. Hopefully everything will work out in the end, right? Voting is still open for the character naming (Madimi or Esemeli) So far we have two votes for each. :) Also, I know this has nothing to do with the story, but I would like to celebrate the fact that as of today I have officially finished all of my classes for high school! Woohoo!

Thank you to all of the lovely reviewers last week: chinaluv, Savarra, sunshine102897, mamasam, Dirreth, Sarah.B, Lilian Katora, MaddieLB, frankiemalarkey, and icedragonfirebird! All of you are the absolute best a writer could ever ask for!

* * *

_"__What happened?" He asked quietly so as to not disturb the prophet at work._

_Zara shook her head and grabbed a beer from the fridge. "I don't want to talk about it." There was too much to think about and Zara didn't want to deal with any of it. Instead she sat down and watched Kevin methodically take down his notes. It was precise, methodical- nothing like her shambles of a life. It didn't feel like Zara knew anything for sure anymore. But one thing was almost certain, whatever Dean was doing or thinking, Zara didn't care one iota. She was DONE with Dean Winchester._

* * *

"Does this sound like what you're looking for?" Zara jerked awake when she heard Kevin.

"Hmm? What?" She mumbled.

"Cut off the head, and the body will flounder." Kevin started reading his notes. "Waste not thy time nor thy breath on the Leviathan herd. Point thy blade at the heart of their master, for from him springs all their messages. Leviathan cannot be slain but by the bone of a righteous mortal, washed in the blood of three fallen: a fallen angel, the ruler of fallen humanity, and the father of the fallen beasts."

Zara blinked the last vestiges of sleep from her eyes. It had been hours since the prophet had sat down to his task. Most of it had been useless… until now. "Yeah… Yeah, that sounds like exactly what we need."

"Great, can I leave now?" Sam had explained what was going on- including what Kevin's part in all of it was. While Kevin was willing to help, he wanted no part in whatever war or battle against the monsters they had. He just wanted to go home and forget about all the monsters. He just wanted to go on with his life and while everyone wanted that for him, the life of a prophet is never quite that easy.

Zara bit her lip. "There are a lot of groups that would love to get their hands on you. Here you're safe. We can protect you."

Kevin didn't seem like he liked that answer. "And what about my mom? Isn't she in danger now too?"

"… Yes." Zara sighed. "But only if you go home. They don't know where she is otherwise."

Kevin covered his face with his hands and sighed loudly. "I just wanted to become the first Asian American President. I didn't want this. I didn't ask for this."

"Hey. Once this all blows over, we can set you up- make sure no one can find you." Zara reached over to calm him again and he moved away slightly.

"I don't want you to mind control me again."

Zara winced. "Sorry. I should've asked. It's not mind control… just energy manipulation."

Kevin squinted at her. "What are you? Sam said you knew I was coming and… Are you a prophet too? Are you a witch? Are those a thing?"

"They are… unfortunately. But I'm not a witch or a prophet. There's only one prophet at a time." Zara smiled as she tried to think of a way to describe what she was. "I'm a mostly human trans dimensional time traveler." Kevin's eyes glazed over slightly. The poor boy was in over his head and Zara felt at least partly responsible. If Zara could do anything to avoid his inevitable untimely demise, she would. "Don't worry about it. All you need to know is that I'm here to help as best as I can and I promise that I will do everything in my power to make sure you have a normal life. You don't deserve to get caught up in all of this."

"I'd feel better about that if I didn't know about all the people angling to use and torture me." Kevin sighed.

"If it helps, you're handling it better than a lot of people."

"It doesn't."

"Yeah. I'll go ask." Zara and Kevin turned to see Sam walk into the kitchen talking on his phone. "Do you have it?" Zara handed Sam Kevin's notebook and pointed to the ingredients they needed for the weapon to kill Dick. Sam read it off quickly to Dean on the other line. "… Okay, most of this stuff should be pretty easy, but the blood of the father of the fallen beasts? That's like the blood of an alpha right? We killed all of them."

Zara shook her head. "Not all of them. The vampire alpha is still alive."

"And we're supposed to just waltz up to a guy we tried to kill a year ago and ask him for his blood?"

"The stuff the Leviathans are pumping into our systems kills vampires too. Tell him that it'll help kill Dick and it shouldn't be much of a problem."

"Right. You got that Dean?" Sam put the phone back to his ear and continued talking. "Yeah, yeah Bobby can get that… Yeah, I'll do that... What about- okay. She's not gonna like that you know… Don't say that. You know you don't mean it… Fine. Call us when you're on your way back."

"What's the plan?" While Zara didn't really care about what Dean had to say, but she couldn't deny that he was the head of their little team. He was the one who called the shots and that didn't change just because they had a fight.

"Dean's going for the Alpha, Bobby is going to get the bone of the saint, and I'm gonna go talk to Crowley… haven't seen him in a while." Sam snorted. Their relationship with the King of Hell was messed up on so many levels. "Can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing."

"And what, I'm on prophet-sitting duty?" Zara rolled her eyes. Of course Dean would be that petty. She liked Kevin, of course. But she could just as easily go out and get Cas' blood for the fallen angel ingredient.

"That's what Dean said."

"Whatever." Zara sighed as Sam started grabbing things they would need to summon Crowley and headed out to the garage.

* * *

"Your charge, is she okay now?" Gadreel asked.

"She is out of danger for the moment." Balthazar sighed. "I can't help but panic every time I feel a little twinge. There have been too many close calls and I can't do anything about it from here."

"You care for her." It wasn't a question, just an observation.

"Not in a romantic sense, no." Balthazar snorted. Dean would have had something to say about that if he had. "I'd be the first to admit I've had dalliances with a few of my charges, but not her. Of course I care for her. I care about each one of the people that I have protected. It's hard not to when you're linked like that. And I've tried not to care. For years I tried not to give a damn about what happened to them to save my own peace of mind when they were gone, and finally I almost succeeded. I left Zara in another world and tried to forget about her, about being the last guardian, about everything the Host had done to me and my friends. I dropped it all and hid like a coward. But she came back… She forgave me and stayed on my side even when my closest friend betrayed me. She saved my life. So yes, I do care for her. She's the closest thing I have to family."

"Family." Gadreel rolled the word around as if he had never heard of it before. "I've almost forgotten what that word meant. I was tricked, tortured, mocked, and imprisoned by the ones I would have called family."

Balthazar felt a bit of camaraderie with the old angel. Their stories weren't all that different when it came down to how their so-called brethren treated them. "You and I are no strangers to betrayal it seems."

"No strangers to loneliness either. At least you found someone worth fighting for."

* * *

"Cas is awake." Sam said as he came back inside. While Crowley was more than willing to assist in overthrowing their black blooded overlords before they went back to killing each other, he didn't trust them with his own blood just yet. He wouldn't only give it to them once they had all the other ingredients on hand. Zara and Kevin had settled on watching a movie since apparently everything important was being done without them.

Zara glanced up from watching Godzilla knock a particularly large building down. "Cas is awake?" As soon as she said it, they heard the sound of angel wings and Meg and Cas appeared in front of the TV making Kevin yell in surprise.

"Yeah and he's a little different than when he went to sleep aren't you Cas?" Something was off about Cas. There was something in his whole demeanor that didn't seem like he was fully there. His face was too open, his eyes too innocent. Meg let go of Cas' coat- which was still over his hospital clothes, and she glanced over at Kevin. "Who's he?"

"Kevin, meet Meg and Castiel. The angel and his demon nurse." Sam said- smirking at Meg's face at being called a nurse.

Kevin nodded slightly and gave them a small nod- still unnerved at their sudden appearance. "And they are-"

Cas stepped in front of Kevin and held out his hand. "Pull my finger."

"Wh-What?"

Cas grinned a little. "Pull my finger." Kevin reached up and gave a little tug on Cas' finger. At the same time, the overhead light burst and they were plunged into darkness.

"What the hell, Cas?" Sam asked as Zara grabbed another bulb. It wasn't like she hadn't just replaced everything or something.

"I told you. He's a bit different now." Meg supplied.

"How are you Cas?" Sam asked guiltily. It was his fault Cas was this way. He felt responsible.

"What do you mean?" Cas asked- wide-eyed.

"I thought I was done for. Do you see Lucifer?"

Cas nodded thoughtfully. "I did at first. But that was... It was a projection of

yours, I think, sort of an aftertaste. Now I more see... well, everything." Cas sat down next to Kevin on the couch. "It's funny. I was – I was done for, too. The weight of all my mistakes, all those lives and souls lost, I... I couldn't take it, either. I was… I was lost until I took on your pain. It's strange to think that that helped, but –"

"I know you never did anything but try to help." Sam agreed. "I realize that, Cas, and I'm grateful. We're all grateful. And we're gonna help you get better, okay? No matter what it takes."

Cas tilted his head slightly. "What do you mean, 'better'?"

"Never mind." Sam sighed. "Meg, Zara, can I talk to you a second?"

As they left Zara saw Cas turn and tap Kevin on the nose and whisper, "Boop." They certainly had some work to do if they were going to get Cas back to normal.

"What was that?" Sam asked as they entered the kitchen.

"He's been like the naked guy at the rave ever since he woke up." Meg shook her head. "Totally useless."

"What are we supposed to do? It has to be all hands on deck if we're going to be storming the castle and killing Dick. We need him."

"Not like that you don't." Meg grabbed herself a beer and popped the top.

Sam snorted. "Obviously… Zara?"

"He gets better on his own, I think. I don't remember." Zara sighed. "Hopefully he'll be fine."

"He better be."

"And where is the scruffy Ken Doll?" Meg smirked- looking around for Dean.

Zara rolled her eyes. She didn't want to think about Dean any more than she had to. "Out." She snapped.

Meg raised an eyebrow. "Trouble in Paradise?" When Zara didn't respond, Meg had her answer. "And what do we do now?"

"We can't do anything until Dean and Bobby get back." Sam sighed. "What movie were you watching?"

* * *

"Outside today, in the garden, I followed a honeybee. I saw the route of flowers. It's all right there, the whole plan. There's nothing to add." Cas had been rambling ever since Dean and Bobby got back a few minutes ago with their parts of the weapon. The living room was getting crowded and it was late, so Bobby took Kevin to the guest room and the rest of them were all gathered in the office. Dean shot Meg a bewildered glance when Cas didn't stop talking.

All the reply she had was, "The idiot got his hand stuck in a peanut better jar this morning."

Cas smiled and placed a hand on Meg's shoulder before she swatted him away. "Will you look at her? My caretaker. All of that thorny pain. So beautiful."

"Cas we've been over this. I don't like poetry. Put up or shut up."

"Okay, no." Dean sighed. "One problem at a time. We have the bone of the saint and the vampire blood. Now all we need is the blood of a fallen angel and the King of Hell."

Cas grinned. "Well, you know me- always happy to bleed for the Winchesters." He held out a vial of blood and Dean took it and placed it on the desk along with the other ingredients.

"Thanks. Now we just have to call Crowley and-"

"Oh, I'm not staying for that." Meg took a step back. "He's out for my head."

"Too late." Crowley appeared near the door- making them all jump. Meg made a move for the door, but Crowley snapped and stopped her in her tracks. "Stay, wont you? There is really nowhere to run and don't even think of smoking out pussycat."

Cas stepped in front of Meg. "Leave her be."

"Castiel," Crowley looked genuinely surprised at his presence. "Last time I saw you, you enslaved me. I'm confused. Why aren't you dead?"

"I… I don't know."

"Well do you want to be? 'Cause I can help with that." Crowley answered venomously.

"Alright enough." Dean cut in.

"I'll say when it's enough." Crowley snapped. "I came here to help you and I find that you've be consorting with an angel and not just any angel- the angel I most want to crush between my teeth."

"So you can crush angels now, huh?" Meg asked sarcastically.

"To be honest you bore me. You have no sense of poetry." Crowley glanced at her- only half interested before he turned back to Cas. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, I'm still honing my communication skills. I went up to heaven but I can't stop thinking there's no insects there and down here we have trillions- honey and silk miracles really…" As Cas rambled on, Crowley became more and more confused.

"What are you talking about?"

Cas shrugged. "Preferring insects to angels I guess. Here, do you want some honey? I harvested it myself."

"You're off your rocker. He's off his rocker is that it?" Crowley looked around at everyone else and then let out a little laugh. "Karmas a bitch, isn't it?"

"Are you here to end grudges or because you want to punch dick? Pick a battle."

"Well, I'm vexed. I'd like to do both, but where's the fun in pummeling wet fur? Text me when Sparkles here retrieves his marbles I suppose. Meanwhile, a present." Crowley held up a vial of blood.

"That's it? No tricks?" Sam asked suspiciously. "We know that Dick offered you a deal to give us the wrong blood."

"Ah yes." Crowley turned to Zara who had been silent since he had gotten there- mainly to avoid having to talk to or around Dean. "I forgot you had your very own resident time traveler. How are you Ducky?"

"Just give them the blood, Crowley. I've dealt with enough annoying assholes today." It was a barb at Dean and, by the look of hurt and anger on his face, the message was received. Zara couldn't tell if the lump in her throat was anger or sadness, but she wouldn't be weak- not in front of all of these people.

Crowley's eyebrows shot up. He looked between them and connected the dots. "Domestic drama. Bit of bad timing isn't it?" When neither of them answered, he tossed the vial to Sam. "... it's mine- the real deal."

"And why should we trust you?" Sam asked.

Crowley snorted. "Good god, no. Don't trust anyone- little lesson I learned from my last partner." He made a move to leave, but then stopped himself as if a random thought popped into his head. "Oh, bonus. Meg, I'm gonna scoop you up, take you home, and roast you till you're jerky. But not... yet. Cas can have you for now. Hilariously, it seems he'd be upset at losing you. And the boys need Cas to get Dick. Don't they, Cas?"

"Oh, I – I don't fight anymore."

"Come on." Crowley snorted. "Given the particulars of your enemy, sadly, you're vital." With that, he disappeared.

"Great." Dean muttered as Sam handed him Crowley's blood and he looked over the ingredients for the weapon to kill Dick. Dean placed the bone in a bowl and then poured the vials of blood over it one after the other. They were all expecting some sort of sound or bubbling or something to indicate that everything had worked correctly, but there was nothing. "Where's all the thunder and lightning?"

Sam squinted at it. "Uh... _maybe_ it worked?"  
Dean sighed. "Awesome."

"It worked." Zara cut in impatiently. She just wanted to get this over with and out of Dean's presence. Her anger may have subsided somewhat, but she was still upset with him. "Now can we go to bed? We have a big day tomorrow killing our black and gooey overlords and all."

Dean glanced up at the clock and noticed it was close to 3 in the morning. While Cas and Meg would be fine, the humans needed some rest. "Yeah. Hunters naps for everyone. We need to be rested for tomorrow." Everyone started filing out of the living room, but Dean caught Zara by the arm and motioned for her to wait for a minute.

"What?" Zara asked sullenly after everyone else was gone. The fact that she had no desire to be in the same room as Dean was evident

Dean sighed and met her eyes. "I want to apologize." Zara scoffed, but Dean held up a hand to stop her from talking. "No matter how hurt or angry with you I may be right now, it doesn't give me the right to be a dick. I shouldn't have accused you of something like that and I'm sorry… I understand if you don't forgive me." Zara waited through his speech. While she knew that she should probably forgive him, she didn't want to. She was still too angry at him to forgive him. Dean seemed to be waiting for something else too, like he was maybe expecting Zara to apologize in kind for going behind his back to practice her abilities. She wasn't doing that either. She wasn't sorry. All she was really sorry for at the moment was the fact that Dean had to be so close minded about it.

"Are you done?"

Dean looked hurt at her dismissal, but he didn't seem surprised. "Ah, no. One last thing." He glanced back at the weapon on the table. "I need to know that whatever is going on between us won't be a problem tomorrow. This is bigger than us. This guy could hurt a lot of people if we don't take him down. I need you to be totally on board with this."

"Don't worry." Zara assured him. "Dick is the REAL reason Alicia is dead. I won't do anything to mess this up. I'm getting my revenge." Zara pushed past him and left Dean alone in the living room.


	57. Chapter 57

A/N Thank you for all your congratulations on my finishing HS! Y'all are so sweet! The score for the naming is Esemeli-2 Madimi-4. Also, **BIG** things happening next chapter if you hadn't guessed. Make sure to be reading! :)

Thank you to all the lovely reviewers last week: IchBinMickey, EmilyAnnMcGarrett-Winchester, icedragonfirebird, Savarra, mamasam, sunchine102897, Sarah.B, and chinaluv!

* * *

_"Are you done?" _

_Dean looked hurt at her dismissal, but he didn't seem surprised. "Ah, no. One last thing." He glanced back at the weapon on the table. "I need to know that whatever is going on between us won't be a problem tomorrow. This is bigger than us. This guy could hurt a lot of people if we don't take him down. I need you to be totally on board with this."_

_"Don't worry." Zara assured him. "Dick is the REAL reason Alicia is dead. I won't do anything to mess this up. I'm getting my revenge." Zara pushed past him and left Dean alone in the living room._

* * *

**Chapter 57**

"Sir, they've gotten the blood from the alpha vampire." A short, nervous-looking assistant informed his powerful boss.

Dick Roman smiled brightly. "Excellent."

"E-excellent, sir?" He stuttered.

"That ragtag band of hunters was going to assemble the weapon at some point." Roman shrugged. "Now we know they're coming and once that little threat is out of the way we can continue on our course."

"B-but they're coming to kill you sir."

Dick smiled wider than it really should be possible as he turned his computer monitor to show the security footage he had been watching. The assistant could see a conference room filled with Leviathans that all looked exactly like Dick. "They can't kill me if they don't know which one I am."

* * *

It wasn't the forest this time. Tonight Zara found herself in a place that she almost didn't recognize—almost. It took her a second, but Zara realized that she was back in the kitchen of her apartment from the other world. The wedding picture on the counter was still there. There was the microwave with the broken handle and the small table that always wobbled slightly. Nothing about the room was threatening and yet Zara felt deeply afraid. In a nightmare like this, Sean was never far away. Even now, she could feel his presence creeping up behind her. However right before Sean made his presence known, Zara noticed something standing just outside the patio doors—the child. The wicked smile that the child had plastered on her face and small giggle she let out made Zara's blood run cold. The boundaries between her once separate nightmares were becoming blurred. Zara only had time to meet the child's eyes before she felt Sean's hand on her shoulder.

"Hello, RaRa." His deceptively calm voice near her ear made Zara's skin crawl.

She turned around and faced her ex husband with a mock air of confidence. It was better than staring into the crazed eyes of the child who was still watching from the door. She could deal with Sean's familiar threat much better than this comparatively newer one. "Hey, Se. How was work today?"

"Don't give me that." Sean growled. "I lost my job. And then your gold digging ass disappeared and everyone thinks I shot you."

It was getting easier to face Sean in her dreams. Now that she knew that she was free of him, he didn't hold the same power over her. "You did shoot me—in the chest I believe. Remember?" Zara knew the slap was coming before she felt the sting on her face and she was thrown to the side. She was expecting it. What she didn't expect was the small childlike giggle that echoed in her dream. It unbalanced Zara even more than Sean ever could. The child was watching. She was controlling this.

"Shut up!" Sean yelled at her—bringing Zara back into the moment. "You ruined my life!" He kicked her down—every word punctuated by a blow from his foot. "You stupid, ugly skank!"

Zara cried out from the pain of the blows. She tensed for another kick to the stomach, but instead there was a loud thump on the floor. Usually this dream was not over so quickly. Puzzled, Zara looked up and saw Sean was lying on the floor—unconscious. Next to him stood the child—still grinning. She was holding a small blade out to Zara, offering it to her.

"What?" Zara asked warily.

"Now is your chance." The child took Zara's hand in her small, cold, bony ones and guided Zara towards Sean. She left the blade in Zara's hand. "Go on."

Horrified, Zara realized that the child wanted her to kill Sean. While at one time Zara wanted nothing more than to do this very thing, doing it now just felt empty. There wasn't any point. Sean was gone. Had he hurt her? Yes. Did he still haunt her nightmares? Yes. But did she really need to kill him to prove something? No. Responding to her abuser in kind would not solve anything. It would only bring the pain and hurt back into her mind when all she was trying to do was move on. In this case, she didn't need revenge. She needed to heal.

The child watched her closely—as if she was studying her, sizing her up, evaluating her. When Zara stepped back and dropped the knife, the child looked puzzled and displeased. "Why?"

"He's not worth it."

"But he abused you. He hurt you." The child insisted.

Zara marveled at the fact that she was actually getting the chance to talk to the child in her nightmares. "He did. But hurting him back isn't going to do anything. Out there in the real world, I'm free. I'm away from him. That part of my life is over and while it still hurts sometimes, killing him will only bring it back somehow. I want to move on."

Somehow, the child looked disappointed in her answer. Apparently Zara had failed whatever test the child had put her to. She flicked her wrist and the apartment faded—to be replaced by the now familiar clawed trees of the forest. The child turned to walk away, but before she could leave, Zara tried to question her. "Why are you here? Why are you doing this to me? Who are you?"

The child looked over her shoulder and giggled. "Soon, Akele—very, _very_ soon." The child padded off into the forest.

* * *

Zara woke up alone. The dream held onto her even in the waking world—giving her the shivers. Whatever this child was, she seemed certain that they would meet soon. It was as if the child were sizing up a new opponent. Zara knew it was kind of contradictory to wish Dean was there with her even though she didn't want to be anywhere near him at the moment, but these dreams made Zara feel lost and afraid. Usually Dean was the one to ground her in those times. Zara really just wished that the past couple of days had never happened, but the damage had been done and it would take time to heal. Now she had to learn how to do that on her own.

As Zara headed towards the kitchen for breakfast, she heard Sam talking to someone on the phone. "Yeah thanks Charlie…" He gave her a little wave when she entered, poured herself a cup of coffee, and sat down across from him at the table. "No, no. We needed to know. You take care."

"What's up?" Zara asked when he had hung up.

"Charlie's been digging into everything Roman Enterprises has been doing." Sam ran a hand through his hair. "It's pretty bad. The food they've been distributing has turned whole towns virtually comatose."

"Ripe for any hungry Leviathan."

"Yeah, but that's not the worst thing." Sam continued. "Charlie found that there's a huge shipment of these dairy creamers going out tonight to everywhere in the country. She doesn't know exactly what they do, but she got a hold of some testing footage. Whatever this stuff does, it kills."

"And you said it's going out tonight?"

"We've gotta make sure that shipment doesn't get sent out."

"So tonight's now or never." Dean's voice behind Zara startled her. He had come up at some point and gotten the gist of their conversation.

Sam nodded seriously. "There's one more thing… Charlie noticed something when she was hacking into Roman's security videos. He's cloned himself. There's more than one Dick Roman now."

"Dammit." Dean sighed. "So not only do we have to break into this huge facility, stop a shipment of poison from leaving, and kill the leader, but we have to make sure he's the right one out of a sea of Orphan Black rejects? How are we going to do that?"

Before anyone could answer, Meg and Cas appeared in a flutter of wings. Meg had a particularly deep scowl on her face. "You deal with the hippy stoner. I'm tired of his wackadoo proverbs."

Cas seemed to be in the middle of a conversation. "Monkeys are so... clever, and they're sensible in that they leave the skins on the bananas that they eat. Is it really necessary to test cosmetics on them?" Cas turned to Dean. "I mean, how important is lipstick to you, Dean?"

Dean seemed to still be uncomfortable with the new and "improved" Cas. "Uhm… not very?"

"What about Cas?" Zara suggested. "He had all the Leviathans in his head. He can see past the meat suits. He would know which one's really Dick."

"You do know that I don't participate in aggressive activity." Cas was visibly uncomfortable with where this conversation was going.

"Well you're going to have to make an exception." Dean replied.

Cas shied away from Dean. "I can't help. You understand? I can't. I destroyed... everything, and I will destroy everything again. Can we please just leave it at that?"

"No." Dean insisted. "No, we can't." He was starting to get angry with the angel.

Cas was supposed to be this all powerful being. Cas was supposed to be there for them. Cas was supposed to fix these sorts of problems. And he wasn't. As he spoke, Dean walked towards Cas until he had backed him into a corner. "We can't leave it. You let these friggin' things in. Nobody cares that you're broken, Cas. Clean up your mess!"

"You know..." Cas looked around for some sort of escape from Dean's anger. "We should play Twister." And then he disappeared.

"Nice." Meg said sarcastically. "You scared off the Empire's only hope."

"Great."

"He's in the garage." Meg sighed. "I suggest you knock him into line and quick or we don't have a magic Dick spotter." Dean nodded and wordlessly left for the garage.

* * *

"Dean..." Cas greeted him tiredly from the hood of the car where he was sitting cross-legged.

Dean sighed and leaned against the car next to the angel. "Cas, we've been over it. I get it – you don't want to help."

"And if we attack Dick and fail, then all of you die heroically, correct?"

Dean shrugged. He didn't like to think about it, but without Cas' help not coming back from this was a very real possibility. They needed everyone on board with this. "I don't know. I guess."

Cas nodded—as if that was exactly what he expected Dean to say. "And at best, I die trying to fix my own stupid mistake." For a brief moment, Dean saw the real Cas back. As soon as it resurfaced however, it was covered up again and Cas started rambling. Dean still couldn't quite put a finger on it. Cas looked physically fine, but then he would get this look in his eyes and his voice would change and it was decidedly not Cas anymore. "Or... I _don't_ die – I'm brought back again. I see now. It's a punishment resurrection. It's worse every time."

"I'm sorry. Uh, we're talking about God crap, right?"

"I'm not good luck, Dean." Cas answered seriously.

Dean didn't care about the events that had led up to this moment. He didn't care about all the mistakes Cas had made. He just wanted his friend back. "Yeah, but you know what? Bottom of the ninth, and you're the only guy left on the bench... Sorry, but I'd rather have you, cursed or not. And anyway, nut up, all right? We're all cursed. I seem like good luck to you?" He paused when Cas gave him a small smile. "What?"

Cas looked away for a second. "Well, I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I detect a note of forgiveness."

Dean smirked. He guessed he had. "Yeah, well, I'm probably gonna die tonight, so..."

Cas seemed to have made a decision. "Well, I'll go with you. And I'll do my best."

There was the Cas that Dean knew and cared about. There was the strong angel he had always relied on. It may take him a bit to come back to the surface, but the real Castiel was down there somewhere. Dean smiled slightly. There was hope for Cas yet. "Thanks."

* * *

"Alright here's the plan." Dean stood in the middle of the living room where everyone had gathered. Charlie had given them schematics for the building, so he pointed to various areas as he talked. "According to Charlie, they know we're coming. So we're going to announce ourselves big." Dean gritted his teeth and sighed through his nose. "I really hate to do this, but Meg… You're going to crash the Impala into the front of the building."

The demon's eyes turned black and she gave him a wicked grin at the thought of wrecking his precious vehicle. "Love it."

"That way, they'll be focused on the front and we will be able to slip in the back. Sam and Bobby will head towards the warehouse and blow up the shipments of killer creamer while Cas, Zara, and I get Dick."

"And we're just going to leave Kevin here alone?" Bobby piped up.

Cas tilted his head and seemed to be listening for something. "The prophet is not here."

It was only then that everyone noticed that even though it was way past lunchtime they hadn't seen Kevin all day. A peek outside to see if his car was still there proved Cas was right. Zara knew that Kevin hadn't been satisfied to leave his mother unaware and alone. She knew she should have kept a closer eye on the teenager, but other things had gotten in the way and now he was out on his own without protection. The worst thing was, if they were going to prevent that shipment from leaving and killing thousands of people, they didn't have time to go out looking for him. They would have to leave him to fend for himself.

Bobby said what they were all thinking in that moment. "Balls!"

* * *

The drive to Roman Enterprises was quiet and tense. They were all hoping that Dean's plan was going to work even though Dick was almost definitely waiting for them. And then there was the issue of their team. While Dean had let Zara come along because he knew that it was important to her (and that she would probably disobey his orders if he didn't), they had hardly spoken to each other and that could spell trouble for the mission. It was equal parts both their faults, but Zara wasn't going to back down. Dean wasn't going to like what she had to say, but she couldn't go into this with Dean thinking she was going to hold back.

Zara sighed—breaking the awkward silence as she looked at Dean from the back seat. It wasn't exactly private considering the others were in the car, but Zara didn't care. "Dean, I'll have you know that I will not hesitate to use my abilities if the need arises." When she spoke, she could tell that the others were listening interestedly, but were being polite enough to stay out of it.

Dean clenched his jaw and scowled as he looked at her from the rearview mirror. "I know." He answered lowly—obviously unhappy with the reminder.

"And you're okay with that?" Zara pressed.

"No." Dean sighed. "But I also know that you are going to do what you want no matter what I think. It's not like my opinion matters much in your mind."

"Well you haven't really let me tell you my side of it. Apparently my opinion doesn't matter to you either." Zara countered. She was about to go on, but she stopped herself and the car relapsed into silence.

They were still fighting. They were about to go into battle with no promise of a safe return and they were fighting. With a jolt, Zara remembered the outcome of this battle. Whoever killed Dick would be immediately sent into Purgatory. There wasn't just a chance that at least one person wouldn't be coming back from this, it was a certainty. With another jolt, Zara realized that it HAD to be her. She was the one who could open a portal back to the real world. She was the one who had the best chance of returning from that other world unscathed.

Forget the fact that Dean made it out last time. If Zara had learned anything in the past few months, she had learned that what she had seen on TV could be tweaked by her presence. Bobby and Balthazar living past their pre-prescribed expiration dates were evidence of that. She couldn't expect every change she made to be a good one. What if she had nudged things enough to possibly ensure Dean dying in Purgatory instead of making it out? Despite their recent disagreements, Zara didn't want Dean dead. She couldn't let him risk it. No. She would have to do it herself. If that meant she wouldn't make it out instead, so be it. This world needed Dean much more than it needed her.

Now more than ever, Zara didn't want her last words to Dean to be in anger. What he said still stung, but no matter how much she insisted that she was done with the man, Zara couldn't truly hate Dean. She couldn't help that she still loved him no matter how much they were fighting. Everything he had done from the moment he met her was try to protect her. Even this fear of her abilities was a part of that. He may have crossed some lines that shouldn't have been crossed in his anger, but Zara had played a part in provoking him to that extreme. Mistakes had been made on both sides. Zara just wished that everything could be back the way it was a few days before. She wanted to mend things before she lost the chance.

"I'm sorry." Zara finally broke the silence.

Dean glanced up at her suspiciously. He knew her better than that. Zara was nothing if not good at holding a grudge. An "I'm sorry" was the last thing he expected to hear at this moment. If anything, it was a sign that something bad was going to happen. It sounded like a goodbye. "What are you planning?"

"Nothing." Zara replied innocently. "I just don't want to fight with you anymore."

Dean quirked an eyebrow. No matter what they were about to face, the hurt that they had both caused each other couldn't be wiped away that easily. They couldn't just be sorry and go back to how it was. "We'll talk about it after this is over."

Zara nodded quietly. She couldn't say anything else without giving something away. However, she did wish that she could have left with Dean on better terms. This was as good as she was going to get.

To discourage any more awkward conversation, Dean turned on the radio. The song that immediately came on brought tears to Zara's eyes and she started singing along. Of course it would be that song. Nothing else would have fit quite so well.

_Carry on my wayward son_

_There'll be peace when you are done_

_Lay your weary head to rest_

_Don't you cry no more_

The song filled her with an intense passion and fury. It helped Zara focus on the task at hand. Revenge was so close Zara could almost taste it. Almost unconsciously, Zara began pulling energy into herself and letting it flow into the people around her, ignoring the familiar burn that came with it. They were going to succeed. They had to. They had no other choice. And Zara? Zara was going to kill Dick Roman and nothing was going to get in her way.


	58. Chapter 58

A/N So some of you guys have sent me questions or predictions on certain things (namely tumblr user hugeclearjellyfish and Sarah.B). I think most of them will be answered in this chapter... I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

Thank you to last week's reviewers: chinaluv, Savarra, Sarah.B, sunshine102897, Tiryn, RippleInThePond, icedragonfirebird and XxBlindXxAngelXx!

* * *

**_Carry on my wayward son_**

**_There'll be peace when you are done_**

**_Lay your weary head to rest_**

**_Don't you cry no more_**

_The song filled her with an intense passion and fury. It helped Zara focus on the task at hand. Revenge was so close Zara could almost taste it. Almost unconsciously, Zara began pulling energy into herself and letting it flow into the people around her, ignoring the familiar burn that came with it. They were going to succeed. They had to. They had no other choice. And Zara? Zara was going to kill Dick Roman and nothing was going to get in her way._

* * *

**Chapter 58**

"Wait for the signal." Dean reminded Zara and Cas as they stood outside the service entrance. Sam and Bobby were doing the same at another location. Everyone was waiting in tense silence for the signal to jump into action. Zara adjusted the grip on her machete. This was it. This was what they had been working towards for months.

A distinct crash could be heard in the distance. Dean cringed. That would be the Impala slamming into the front doors of the building. After a moment, Dean turned to them with a gleam in his eye. "It's showtime."

Without another second's hesitation, they sprung into action. Cas kicked the door down and they all flew down the hallways—following the angel who was honing in on where the real Dick Roman was hiding. Each twist and turn that they took made Zara feel even more uneasy. Where were all the employees? Sure, the car crash may have distracted them, but not ALL of them. Why did it feel as if they were running through an empty building? The answer sent a chill to her core. It was a trap. A glance at Dean's face told Zara he had come to the same conclusion, but they couldn't back out now—not when they were so close.

***BOOM***

The first of the explosives that Sam and Bobby had set up around the distribution center detonated—making the entire building shake. However without being able to see them, Zara had no idea if it was because they had set it off or the Leviathans had caught them too.

***BOOM***

* * *

From where Sam and Bobby were waiting, they could see the Impala careen into the front of the building with a sickening crunch. Moments later they saw Meg tumble out of the vehicle and meet the swarm of Leviathans that had come pouring out of the building to meet her. The demon was more than ready to meet them. In seconds, heads were rolling and black blood was being flung everywhere. That was all the distraction they needed to sneak in and head for the distribution center—an explosive in each hand.

The center was conspicuously left under guarded. The men knew better than to think it was justa stroke of luck, but that wasn't going to stop them, not when they were so close. Sam and Bobby snuck in and got to work setting up the bombs underneath each of the four large trucks that were all lined up—ready to leave. They had three all set to blow in five minutes before the doors burst open and Leviathans flooded in.

"Balls." Bobby cursed as they both took out their machetes.

"What?" Meg appeared next to them—covered in Leviathan blood. "You expected it to be easy old man?"

"Five minutes and this place goes up in smoke." Sam threw down the last bomb. There was no time now to set it up.

"Then we better make this quick." Meg's eyes turned black and she leapt to attack the first Leviathan.

All thoughts of the bombs were discarded as they jumped into the fray—slicing and hacking left and right. But it was never enough. As soon as one Leviathan went down, another one took its place. They were going to be overwhelmed. Sam gained various scrapes and bruises, but other than a particularly nasty slash down his arm. But that wasn't as bad as Bobby. It looked like Bobby had broken his arm and was now fighting with his left. The Leviathans had forced them back so that they were fighting against the last truck that they had been able to rig. They had maybe two minutes before everything went up in flames. This had to end this fast or they were never going to make it out of there.

Out of the corner of his eye, Sam spotted one Leviathan jump into the cab of the last truck and start the engine—the one they hadn't had time to rig. "Meg!" Sam hollered as he pushed the body of yet another Leviathan. "The truck!"

"I got it." Meg's eyes turned black and Sam couldn't mistake the look of glee on her face before she disappeared and then reappeared next to the truck and dragged the monster out of the cab.

The next Leviathan took advantage of Sam's distraction and knocked him to the ground. He landed awkwardly and heard as much as felt the crunch in his shoulder. The Leviathan towered over him and ready to strike.

***BOOM***

The truck furthest away blew up—sending creamer and chunks of metal in all directions. Sam took his chance to knock over and dispatch his distracted attacker. Sam knew the other two trucks would be soon to follow. His eyes met with Bobby's fearfully. They only had seconds and there were too many monsters in between them and the exit. Bobby gave Sam a little resigned nod as the second truck exploded.

***BOOM* **

It was moments before the truck they were backed against would also explode into thousands of deadly shards.

* * *

***BOOM***

Zara counted three blasts. There were four bombs that they had planned on detonating. Zara held her breath for the fourth and final blast. It never came. They didn't have time to contemplate why the last bomb didn't detonate because Cas came to a full stop in front of a conference room door. Zara immediately recognized it as the same room where she was forced to open that portal months ago. The familiar setting only served to fuel her rage. Dick was taunting them and he was going to pay.

Cas hesitated at the door. "He's in there, but he's not alone."

"How many?" Zara asked.

"I'd say about eight." Three hunters against eight Leviathans. Not terrible odds, but not great either.

"There's no going back now." Dean insisted. He knew full well that Sam and Bobby could be dead right now, but they couldn't let this mission end in failure. They had to do this. He raised his machete in a small salute and put a hand on the doorknob. "We can take 'em." Zara and Cas nodded seriously as Dean mouthed, "One… Two… Three."

On three, he threw open the door brandishing his machete. They were greeted by a room filled with seemingly identical copies of Dick Roman sitting around a table. They simultaneously turned to the intruders—the same evil grin plastered on each of their faces.

"Oh, look—a room full of dicks." Dean muttered under his breath.

The Dick sitting at the head of the table stood and greeted them with false enthusiasm. "Welcome. Castiel, good to see you again. Thanks for the ride into paradise. It really is a lovely hunting ground."

Dean looked over to Castiel to signal him which one was the real Dick, but Cas just looked puzzled and shook his head. Zara on the other hand was puzzled for another reason. Unlike humans, Zara couldn't see the energy flowing through them. Where she expected the small veins of light to appear was only blackness. It didn't make sense. Anything that was alive had energy, but it seemed like these monsters didn't have anything. This was going to be even harder than she thought without the one advantage she thought she had on these guys.

The Leviathans stood suddenly in one graceful movement bringing Zara back to the present. Apparently whatever chitchat they had been having was over and the fighting was to begin. But without Cas' direction on which Dick was real, they had no real target. They couldn't just stab anyone with the weapon they had made.

There was no time to think about it as the monsters leapt towards them. Zara quickly met the closest monster to her with a swipe of her machete, but he was too fast for her and instead of hitting his neck, she sliced through air and he barreled into her midsection—knocking them both to the floor. In their struggle, Zara caught a blow to the face and a pretty nasty bite in the shoulder before she found herself on top of him and able to cut his head clean off. Zara could hear Dean and Cas in similar situations, albeit more successful considering their superior combat skills. She didn't have much time to revel in her victory before another Leviathan gave her a nasty kick to the head and she fell back to the ground. Zara's vision was swimming and she tried to get up, but she couldn't seem to find which way up was.

The Leviathan loomed above her—ready for the kill, but before he could deliver it, Dean yelled out. "Hey, Dickwad." The Leviathan turned and Dean cut its head off in one smooth swipe. There was a dull thud as the last Leviathan body hit the floor. Dean knelt down next to Zara to check on her. "You okay?" When she nodded and made to sit up against the wall next to the door, Dean turned to Cas. All of the other Leviathans that were now littering the floor of the room were dead—meaning none of them were the real Dick. "What was that? You said he was in here! We walked into a friggin hornets nest without a reason!"

Cas looked confused. "I-I don't understand. I thought he was here. He is nearby at the very least."

The door beside Zara swung open and another Dick strode in—clapping slowly. "Very good, Castiel—Easy party trick to do if you have a witch or two on your side. It is the real me if you were wondering. Though I must say, considering the obvious grudge you have against my likeness I would have to say I'm offended."

Dean looked over at Cas to confirm that it really was Dick before taking out the blood soaked stake and moving towards him. "You son of a—"

Dick lunged and grabbed Zara off the floor where she was still trying to clear the fog from her disoriented brain—using her as a shield. Immediately, Zara started struggling in his grip, but he was too strong for her. It was like trying to fight against an iron vice. "I wouldn't do that if I were you." Dick growled and then turned his attention to Dean who was inching towards them slowly. The Leviathan adjusted his grip on Zara so that he was twisting her neck painfully. "I'll snap her neck before you make another step." Dean paused. "Put the stake on the table."

"Dean, don't listen to him." Zara pleaded. She didn't care what happened to her as long as Dick got what he deserved, but she also knew it wasn't in Dean's nature to let someone die. That meant that if Zara wanted something to be done, she was going to have to make it happen. Of course there was only so much she could do while restrained by the very monster she wanted dead. The lights dimmed as Zara started gathering energy. She just didn't know what she was going to do with it yet. Dean slowly placed the stake on the table and put his hands up. That was when he noticed the lights flickering slightly. Dean shot Zara a fearful look, but didn't give her away.

"Good boy." Dick purred. "Now back up." Dean did as he said. "Quite the obedient one you have here." Dick whispered in Zara's ear. "That must be fun in… other settings."

"Let her go." Dean growled.

"Now that's not how this is going to work. See, you've come into my house guns blazing. You've killed my men and blown up my property. And that was just today. No. You and your crew here have made yourselves a nuisance and I am going to squish you like a bug." Dick applied a little more pressure on Zara's head at that last statement.

"Hey now." Dean tried to buy Zara some more time. His hands were tied. Either he goes for Dick and they all die or he lets Zara use her powers and maybe they walk out of this alive. Dean hated it with every ounce of his being, but he knew there was only one way out of this. "You're a businessman. I'm sure we can work out a little deal."

Dick let out a little bark of laughter. "Like you could offer me something that I want."

"We have the Leviathan tablet." Cas offered—aware of what Dean was doing.

"Interesting proposition, but I'm going to need a little more than that…"

The energy was beginning to burn Zara to her core. The pain was blotting out everything else, but Zara kept going. She couldn't let Dick win. This was their chance to end it all. She couldn't give up now—not when they were so close. Zara kept on going. The pain was all consuming and Zara knew that there was no going back from this. Once she released it, she would be left only as an empty husk. But that didn't matter anymore. All that mattered was that Dick got what he deserved. Zara was going to get her revenge if it killed her. She had certainly passed her limits and now it was just a question of how far she could go before it ripped her apart.

"Zara…'" Dean's fearful voice called her back to the present. He was the only point of clarity in Zara's pain ridden brain. She had a matter of seconds.

"I'm sorry, Dean." Zara managed before she used her power to push out of Dick's grip and let all the energy she was holding inside tear out of her body. Cas, Dean and Dick were sent flying in different directions—knocking them all unconscious. The lights in the room burst. Zara lurched forward and grabbed the stake that Dean had set on the table. The energy was almost gone. And when it was gone Zara would be gone with it, but she had the chance to commit one final act. She turned and saw Dick lying on the floor.

"This is for Alicia." Zara growled before leaping and plunging the stake into his skull. Dick started thrashing violently and let out a loud roar that echoed throughout the building. His head morphed into the wide, toothy maw of a true leviathan and snapped about blindly. Black veins spiderwebbed across his skin and his body grew rigid before he exploded—coating everything in spatters of black goo.

Zara let the stake clatter to the floor—the sound amplified in the quiet room after such a commotion. Zara heaved out a huge breath she hadn't realized she was holding as she looked at her handiwork. She couldn't believe it. She had done it. She had killed Dick. But her triumph was short lived. Already her vision was starting to go black. It was over for her too. Zara turned and looked over to where Dean was finally coming to.

"Stay safe, Dean." Zara whispered hoarsely just before she slumped over and was consumed by darkness.

* * *

"Come on, Gad. Live a little." Balthazar teased the older angel, but his voice was strained. Their conversation always turned to escaping when Balthazar could tell Zara was in danger. Not being able to help her put him on edge.

"No."

Balthazar's mark, his connection to Zara, started burning and he cried out involuntarily. She was hurt. The uneasiness he felt exploded into full blown panic immediately. He knew that all too familiar feeling. It had happened with every single one of his other charges. It happened every time they were about to die.

"Balthazar, what is going on?" Gadreel asked.

The younger guardian cried out unintelligibly. The burning was only growing. This was why Balthazar had tried to stop caring about his charges. It hurt ten times worse knowing that they would soon be gone. The first instinct of a guardian when their charge is in danger is to protect them at any cost. All thoughts of convincing Gadreel to come with him were forgotten in Balthazar's desperation to get to Zara- to protect her from her terrible fate.

The cell doors were open in an instant and Balthazar could hear Gadreel's shouts echoing behind him, but none of that mattered now. All that Balthazar thought about was how he could get to his charge. Some part of Balthazar registered that he had been discovered. He could hear shouts and the pounding of feet from behind him. The guards were after him, but he didn't care. All that mattered was that he got to Zara.

The burning only grew, and it consumed him- pulsing like a heartbeat in his ears in time with the pounding of his feet on the prison floors. He didn't know where he was going. All he knew was that he had to get out somehow. The pain reached a climax and then as quickly as it had come, it was gone with a pop- much like when you come up from being underwater and can finally hear clearly again. Balthazar fell to the floor in the prison halls. She was gone. He had been too late.

The guards soon came upon him and dragged him up, but he didn't care. Whatever happened to him next didn't matter. Zara was gone. He had failed. No matter what he said, he truly did care about each one of his charges. He felt each of their losses keenly, but Zara's loss felt even worse. After so many years of being the scorned and hated guardian, he had found someone who was again on his side. And now the last person who believed in him was dead.

Balthazar thought that loss would be enough to kill him, but that only added to the dread he felt when he registered what the guards were saying. "He's become more of a nuisance that he's worth. Let's see if he's not quite so troublesome without his wings. Take him to Thaddeus."

* * *

Zara woke up in a clearing. She couldn't remember where she was or why she was there. Her vision cleared as she sat up and started to take in her surroundings. The first thing she saw was a large tree. For a second she thought it was one of those gnarled, twisted trees she saw in books, but then she noticed them- the distinct claw marks. At the same time, Zara could hear a faint growling behind her. A sense of horror filled her. Zara knew exactly where she was. She was in the forest from her dreams. She was in Purgatory. Somewhere nearby, Zara could hear a small child giggling.


	59. Chapter 59

A/N So that was an intense chapter to leave off on right? Sam and Bobby about to get blown to smithereens, Dick dead, Zara sent to Purgatory, Balthazar getting caught... This chapter you will see the outcomes of that and also meet the infamous Madimi (I believe that name won out). She's a whole lot more than what she seems in this chapter. Just you wait. ;) Also heads up, the next several chapters won't be incredibly Sam and Dean heavy. Unfortunately I had to choose between featuring them extensively in situations you've already seen in the actual series or getting Zara back to the real world in less than a bajillion chapters (cause a LOT will happen in Purgatory let me tell you). Anyway, I hope you enjoy the next "season" I guess of this story. :) Thanks for sticking with me for so long. Y'all are the best.

Thank you to last weeks reviewers: XxBlingXxAngelXx, Ladysunshine6, RippelInThePond, icedragonfirebird, mamasam, chinaluv, EmilyAnnMcGarrett-Winchester, sunshine102897, Sarah.B, and KingofHell16! Y'all are awesome!

* * *

**_Sam and Bobby_**

_Bobby gave Sam a little resigned nod as the second truck exploded._

_***BOOM***_

_It was moments before the truck they were backed against would also explode into thousands of deadly shards._

**_Dean_**

_Zara turned and looked over to where Dean was finally coming to._

_"Stay safe, Dean." Zara whispered hoarsely just before she slumped over and was consumed by darkness._

**_Balthazar_**

_"He's become more of a nuisance that he's worth. Let's see if he's not quite so troublesome without his wings. Take him to Thaddeus."_

**_Zara_**

_Zara knew exactly where she was. She was in the forest from her dreams. She was in Purgatory. Somewhere nearby, Zara could hear a small child giggling._

* * *

**Chapter 59**

"Hello, boys. Need a lift?" Meg appeared in between Sam and Bobby and transported them out of the center mere seconds before the truck exploded.

***BOOM***

Sam let out a shaky breath when he found that they were in the parking lot instead of splattered on the walls inside. "Thanks Meg."

"Now what?" Bobby asked.

"I'm not sure."

"What's that?" Meg pointed towards the building. The boys turned to see the lights in the building start flickering. "That wasn't part of the plan."

"Oh god," Sam groaned. "It's Zara. Something's gone wrong."

"Then let's go help them." Bobby raised his machete with his uninjured left hand. Before they had time to do anything, the lights intensified and then they all shattered.

"What was that?! Come on, Sam. What is going on?"

"I think we're too late."

* * *

"Where is she?" Dean growled at Cas. "She was here. I saw her. And then she slumped over and disappeared. WHERE IS SHE?"

"I-I don't know." Cas stuttered. "But Dean... all things considered..."

"DAMMIT!" Dean cursed. "What she did… I know her power has consequences. She couldn't have come back from that." Dean paused. When he spoke again, it was a little more brokenly. "She's not coming back… And she knew—How she's been acting… she knew."

Cas put a hand on Dean's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Dean."

* * *

**Trigger Warning: Balthazar losing his wings. It's not TERRIBLE, but I didn't want to have you read this without a disclaimer and get angry with me. It's really just the first few paragraphs.**

"YEEAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHHHHH!" Balthazar cried out in agony and writhed futilely against the bonds that held him chest down on the table. The long, serrated blade wielded by Thaddeus the Torturer made a sickening grinding sound as it made its way through the bones of Balthazar's right wing. Balthazar couldn't even pretend that it was anything other than the most agonizing pain that he had ever endured. It felt as if his grace was being ripped to shreds—because it was. An angel's wings are an extension of their grace, as much a spiritual thing as they were a physical one. Cut them off and the angel isn't only crippled physically, but they are left virtually powerless—mere shadows of what they once were.

Balthazar's chest heaved. "AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGHHHH!" He knew his screams were loud enough to escape the torture chamber and echo through Heaven's prison—surely alerting his neighbor of his fate. Gadreel had warned him of this possibility, but he hadn't listened to him. Why hadn't he listened?

"Stop being a baby." Thaddeus snapped at him. "Never heard an angel scream as much as you."

"You try it then." Balthazar managed through gritted teeth. "I'd be happy to oblige you bloody fuc-AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Thaddeus cut especially deep—almost through the wing. It felt like hours, years, centuries that Balthazar lay on that table screaming at the top of his lungs until he felt something give and a weight was lifted off of him. Thaddeus set his knife down.

"Wanna see?" He asked with a sick glee. Without waiting for an answer, Thaddeus held up one end of Balthazar's once pure white wing. Now it was bloodstained and broken at odd angles. Balthazar let out a pained sob at the sight. He stretched out his fingers that were mere inches away from touching it one last time. Before he could reach it, Thaddeus backed up and made to throw the appendage into the furnace of holy fire. Just before the flames licked the first feathers, he paused. "You know? Guardian wings are a rarity. The white is certainly prettier than the black soldier's wings. Maybe I'll keep them and hang them up somewhere."

Balthazar breathed a small sigh of relief. While his wings were still intact, he had a chance of getting them back.

Thaddeus grinned. He seemed to have been waiting for that little expression of hope. "Course, they _are_ a bit ratty." He heaved the large wing into the furnace. The feathers crackled loudly in the flames.

"Go to hell." Balthazar spat at him.

"Really though." Thaddeus walked back over to the table, but didn't pick up the knife quite yet. "You don't see the wings attached to living guardians anymore. I thought the last one was that geezer in the dungeons. How'd you manage to get away from Raphael's bloody inquisition?"

"I had a powerful friend who made sure I was far away." Balthazar had no reason to lie and was more inclined to chat than continue his torture. It wasn't like he was putting his "friend" in danger by admitting it. Gabriel was dead.

"And you didn't warn the others to do the same? No wonder they call you such horrible things."

"I didn't know what was happening at the time." Balthazar answered bitterly. That was one thing that stayed with Balthazar all these years. If he had known what was going on, if Gabriel had warned him instead of merely sending him out of harm's way… everything would be different. "I thought I was following orders."

Balthazar noticed Thaddeus' mottled red wings designating him as a Seraph. Tired of this line of questioning, he decided to pick one up of his own. "How did a Seraph become the head torturer? You guys are supposed to be closest to God—'ministers of His divine will' I believe we used to say… glorified cupids if you ask me. I didn't think you guys had the jewels for this kind of thing."

Thaddeus picked up the knife and started twirling it near Balthazar's face threateningly. "Even God needs someone to do His dirty work. I 'administer His divine will' in a very specialized capacity."

"And now that good ol' Dad's gone? Who commands you now?"

"It's very nearly anarchy up here and this is my little _slice_ o' Heaven." Thaddeus chuckled at his pun as he moved to Balthazar's other side and positioned the blade at where his remaining wing met his back. "Here I administer _my own_ divine will."

* * *

Dean stood staring down at the pool of black blood where he had last seen Zara. Why did it have to be this damn room? Why couldn't it have been a different one? It was like the room itself was taunting him. Dean clearly remembered only a few months ago when he had held Zara in his arms in this very room—afraid that this very thing would happen. He had almost lost her then, but he hadn't. The small hope of last time was gone just like her body. She was just… gone.

He could still feel her eyes on him. He could still see her sad face—resigned to her fate. He could still hear her final words to him. "Stay safe, Dean." It was her "I love you" and they both knew it. And she somehow knew it was coming even before that. She had tried to apologize for her part in their recent fights. Why couldn't she have told him? Dean realized guiltily that he probably would have just started another fight.

Dean kicked at the black puddle angrily. He didn't know what he was angriest about. Was it that she had kept her apparently inevitable death a secret? Was it that he hadn't paid more attention or tried harder to save her? Was it because they were fighting and he was too bullheaded to accept her apology? Was it that she probably died thinking Dean hated her? That was probably the worst. He hadn't been able to say it back to her before she disappeared. And for real this time, not just the usual "I miss you."

"Dean, it's been hours." Sam approached his brother quietly. "She's not here."

Dean let out a long breath, collecting himself, before he looked up at his younger brother. "Right. Yeah. I know. You're right. One more second." Sam nodded and went out the conference room door. "I'm sorry, Zara. For everything… Why did you have to go and do something like this? Why did you… why did you have to die?" Dean sucked in a shuddering breath. "I'll find you. Wherever you went Heaven, Hell, your old world… I promise I'll find you and bring you home." Dean whispered. "I miss—I love you."

* * *

Eventually the growling in the forest faded away to be replaced by usual sounds of the forest—crickets, rustling leaves, the sound of a brook nearby. Zara couldn't hear anything like the child's laughter anymore. She wondered if it was just a trick of her imagination. Maybe she expected the child to be here and so her terrified brain made her think that she was. There was no mistaking the claw marks on the trees though. Zara couldn't deny that she was very much in danger here—child or no. This was Purgatory and monsters are nearby.

Zara forced herself up and started padding quietly through the forest. She didn't know what she was looking for or where she was going but she knew that she shouldn't just stay out in the open. The stream sounded like it was nearby so Zara struck out for that. As she walked, Zara started thinking about what happened to get her here.

Considering the amount of energy she had used in the struggle against Dick, Zara should have died—but she didn't. Getting sent to Purgatory must have saved her… Unless she really was dead and, because of what she was, Purgatory was her afterlife. Zara shook off that disturbing thought. She wasn't a monster. Balthazar had called it more of a "human plus" sort of thing. That had to be right. She didn't belong here and that must mean she was still alive… right?

Zara's thoughts strayed to her absent guardian angel. It had been months and still no word from him. Something terrible must have happened to him and Zara felt horrible that they hadn't done anything to find him. Add him to the list of people that got hurt because of her… her brother, her child, her guardian, there were probably others. Zara promised herself that she'd atone for each of them. She didn't know how yet, but she couldn't let their sacrifice mean nothing.

Zara was so stuck in her thoughts that she tripped headfirst into the stream before she had even noticed she was close. The icy cold water drenched her clothes and chilled her to the bone. Cursing under her breath, Zara heaved herself out of the stream and onto the bank. As Zara huddled there wet and shivering, she couldn't help but feel overwhelmed at the reality of her situation.

Zara started crying and she didn't care if anyone heard her. It was just too much. She was stuck in a monster's afterlife all alone, weaponless, and without any real semblance of a plan. Despite her powers, she had no idea how to actually make a portal to go home without that spell to direct it. Any minute a monster could find and kill her and on top of it all she was cold, wet, and hungry.

A sound behind her made Zara freeze. Was that laughter? Was that the child? No, no, no, it was the stream. Zara couldn't accept that the child from her nightmares could be here too. And yet, Zara could feel something watching her. This time it was unmistakable. The sound of a small child's laughter echoed throughout the forest making Zara's hair stand on end. It was directly behind her this time. Zara couldn't run—couldn't even move. She was frozen to the spot out of sheer terror. There was something behind Zara and she couldn't bring herself to even defend herself.

Those tense few silent seconds where Zara was just waiting to face her, quite literally, worst nightmare felt like centuries of pure terror. At that moment, she was just waiting for death. And yet, death did not come. Instead she felt a cold, weathered hand land gently on her shoulder. The tension made Zara jump and cry out. She spun around to face an old woman with a kind, wrinkled face. She reminded Zara of her own grandmother and instantly put her at ease.

"Oh darling, I'm so sorry to startle you. I just wanted to make sure you were okay." She continued talking when Zara didn't answer her. "You know, you shouldn't be out like this so unguarded. It's a dangerous place. You're lucky I found you instead of someone else." The woman offered Zara her hand and helped pull her up. Zara was surprised at the hidden strength betrayed in the woman's grip but then she was distracted by the warmth that spread through her at the touch. The feeling unnerved her, but at the same time she didn't want to let go.

"Wh-Who are you?" Zara asked shakily when she finally found her voice.

"Madimi." The old woman paused and studied Zara's face as if expecting some reaction. When Zara didn't recognize the name, Madimi seemed almost disappointed. "And you are Akele?"

"I-How do you know that name?" Zara tried to step away, but the woman still had her hand.

"Some people can just feel things like that."

Zara didn't understand her answer, but somehow the woman's touch made her feel so comfortable that she didn't care. "Where is the child—the one who was laughing?"

"A child?" The old woman smiled. "There are no children in Purgatory, dear."

"But I heard-"

"This place has a way of preying on your fears. I'm sure it was just the forest." The woman dismissed her. "But it really isn't safe to be out here alone, dear. Why don't you come with me? I have a place where we can talk in relative safety."

"Oh…" Zara couldn't think of a reason to say no to her. What could this old lady do to her anyway? "Okay."

The old woman smiled sweetly and led Zara away from the stream with her hand tucked in the crook of Madimi's arm. As they walked Zara noticed a rustling, like someone was walking with them just out of sight. "We're being followed."

"Oh those are just my bodyguards." The old woman laughed. "They'll protect us. It really was lucky I found you. You could be attacked out here all alone."

Zara was amazed at this old woman who walked carelessly through the forest with unseen guards. Who was this lady that she could divine her Enochian name with ease and make her feel like home with just a touch? Whoever she was, she was incredibly powerful. Her conscience told her to be wary of this woman, but she couldn't see why and she couldn't bring herself to dwell on it for some reason.

"What are you?"

"'Tisn't proper to go around asking such things here, dearie." The old woman scolded.

"I am so sorry. I didn't mean to." Zara quickly amended—not wanting to offend the kind lady.

"You've only been here a short while, dear." The old woman patted her hand gently. "You'll learn in time."

"Oh, but I'm trying to-"

Zara was cut off by a rustling in the bushes ahead of them. Zara tensed up, but Madimi didn't seem concerned. If the newcomer was a threat, her unseen bodyguards would certainly take care of it. A second later a man stumbled across their path and stopped dead in his tracks. Zara recognized him immediately as Benny—the vampire that Dean had teamed up with in the alternate timeline. Before she could greet him, the vampire started backing away from them—terror contorting his features. He whispered something that sounded like "Madimi" before taking off in the opposite direction as fast as he could.

"Benny!" Zara called out after him, but he was already long gone.

Madimi looked at her quizzically. "You know him?"

"I-I thought I did." Zara mumbled. She didn't actually know the man, but she knew he was brave. What was it about this lady that would scare a strong vampire like Benny out of his wits? That more than anything didn't sit right with Zara. There was something wrong here, but the feeling that being with the woman gave her was always enough to dissuade her that anything was truly dangerous.

"Well that man is a menace." The old woman warned her. "He has amassed a band of rouges and has been terrorizing those of us who want to live here in peace. Best to avoid joining the likes of him, right dear?" She patted Zara's hand again.

"R-Right." Zara mumbled. This wasn't right at all. None of the things happening here lined up with what she knew to be true of Purgatory. Something was definitely off here and it had everything to do with this woman.


	60. Chapter 60

A/N So in the interest of finagling the plot to match up how I want it to, I may not always be super synced time wise between the Earth and Purgatory timelines. I'm following the basic season 8 timeline for the boys so I won't spend a whole lot of time featuring them in the next several chapters (Really sorry about that. Season 8 was actually one of my faves). You guys already know what's happening and I'll do a basic overview for you when it's needed. This way I can focus more fully on Zara's adventures in Purgatory (and Balthy and Gad's conversations in Heaven's prison) and I can get them all together as soon as possible.

Thank you to all my lovely reviewers: Sunshine102897, RippleInThePond, mamasam, Boxular-Taco Swan, chinaluv, Sarah.B, Amanda, Ivy, Remember Ember (woah you're powering your way through the story!), and icedragonfirebird! I LOVE YOU ALL!

I can't believe this chapter has finally come... Y'all are either gonna freak out or skin me alive... But I promise you, that character has been _exactly_ where I wanted them from the very beginning.

* * *

_"Benny!" Zara called out after him, but he was already long gone._

_Madimi looked at her quizzically. "You know him?"_

_"I-I thought I did." Zara mumbled. She didn't actually know the man, but she knew he was brave. What was it about this lady that would scare a strong vampire like Benny out of his wits? That more than anything didn't sit right with Zara. There was something wrong here, but the feeling that being with the woman gave her was always enough to dissuade her that anything was truly dangerous._

_"Well that man is a menace." The old woman warned her. "He has amassed a band of rouges and has been terrorizing those of us who want to live here in peace. Best to avoid joining the likes of him, right dear?" She patted Zara's hand again._

_"R-Right." Zara mumbled. This wasn't right at all. None of the things happening here lined up with what she knew to be true of Purgatory. Something was definitely off here and it had everything to do with this woman._

* * *

**Chapter 60**

Balthazar fell to the floor as soon as the guards released him in his cell. With his wings gone, his balance was thrown off and he skinned his hands and knees on the stone floor. He was used to his minor wounds healing almost instantly with his grace. When even the small scrapes didn't heal before his eyes, Balthazar realized just how much he had been crippled. He couldn't even heal a scrape much less the bleeding stumps on his back. Balthazar was a human in everything but name with no chance of going back. What was he going to do now?

"Balthazar?" The tentative call of his neighbor only made Balthazar feel worse. Gadreel had warned him and he hadn't listened.

Balthazar hung his head. "Go ahead. Call me a fool."

"You're a fool." Gadreel obliged, but there was no conviction or anger in it, only sympathy. Balthazar would have missed it if he hadn't spent so much time with the older angel, but there was also a hint of respect in his tone. "What you did was incredibly foolish, but it was also incredibly brave. Only a true guardian would have risked everything for the sake of their charge."

"But that's just it. I didn't save her. She's dead. My sacrifice was for nothing."

Gadreel fell silent for a minute. Balthazar was sure that losing his charge lost that little bit of respect he might have earned, but after a second he saw a hand reach out of Gadreel's cell and reach into Balthazar's. "Come here. I know your grace is damaged. Let me heal you."

"You can't give me my wings back."

"No. But I can close up your wounds."

The hand stayed steady—offering the healing that Balthazar knew he greatly needed. He pushed himself off of the floor and stumbled over to the corner where Gadreel's hand was. As he got closer, he could actually see the face of his companion. It was the first time they had actually looked at each other. They hadn't needed to see each other to converse. He looked a lot younger than Balthazar had imagined, but his eyes and voice betrayed his true age. Balthazar gripped Gadreel's hand and felt the older angel's grace healing him. At the same time, Balthazar could feel him speaking into his head—saying that he was sorry for everything. They held on for a few more seconds even after Balthazar's back was healed—enjoying the touch of a friend after so long feeling nothing but the stone walls that confined them.

Finally they let go and Balthazar sat with his now healed back to the wall. "Thank you." He whispered.

"It was the least that I could have done." Gadreel answered.

They fell into a companionable silence. They didn't have to say anything to know that the other was there for them. But the silence only fueled Balthazar's thoughts. He couldn't help but think about everything he had just lost. Zara, his wings, his power as an angel… everything was gone except Gadreel—his confidant and companion.

"It's funny. I used to hate my wings." Balthazar mused. "When I lost my fledgling feathers and found out I would be a guardian, all I wanted to do was have them cut off." He shivered. If only he had known at the time how terrible it really was. "They were what marked me as a guardian when all I'd ever wanted was to be a soldier. But then I learned what being a guardian really was and I loved it. I was good at what I did. I made something out of myself and my wings, my designation, were a badge of pride for me. You wouldn't have known since you were in here at the time, but the guardians ended up being the last order to turn away from the original Plan. In fact, there were so may of us that refused to side with Michael and Raphael's schemes that they had the whole lot of us hunted down. But even then I wasn't ashamed of what I was. My wings showed me who I really was…" Balthazar's voice cracked. "Without them… Without the guardians… Without something to fight for… What am I now Gad?"

"A guardian." Gadreel answered immediately with certainty.

Balthazar let out a hoarse bark that was supposed to resemble a laugh. "Don't patronize me Gadreel. I'm crippled and nearly powerless. I'm barely an angel anymore. Don't disgrace the great order's memory by lumping me in with them."

"Do not let the dead make decisions they have no right to make." Gadreel chided him. "Yes, you are a cripple and I am a traitor. That does not change order into which we were born. Lucifer was still an Archangel after he fell."

Balthazar snorted. "Oh, great comparison there Gad."

"That is not my point. We may not be the best guardians, but it is still where we belong. And we are all that is left." Somehow, Balthazar knew that Gadreel was saying that as much for him as for himself.

* * *

"… Et ad congregandum, eos coram me." Dean finished the summoning spell and tossed a match into the bowl of herbs that was sitting on the hood of the Impala—releasing a pungent odor into the garage.

Crowley appeared leaning against the workbench. "Nice job getting Dick, squirrel."

"Where is she?" Dean growled.

The King of Hell squinted at Dean. "Who?"

"Zara." Dean paused. Actually saying her name brought everything back. "She's the one who got Dick and next thing I know all that's left is a puddle of black goo. Cas says she's dead, but she's not in Heaven from what he can tell."

"And you need me… why?" The demon king looked around the garage as if that would give him the answer.

"Where is she?"

Crowley snorted. "How the bloody hell would I know?"

"If she's not in Heaven, she's in Hell and you know damn well that she doesn't belong there. So…"

Crowley shook his head. "I don't have her."

"Of course you do." Dean threw up his hands. "Where else would she be?"

"You're barking up the wrong tree."

"Will you at least help me find her?"

"I already wiped out the rest of the Leviathan army for you." Crowley snapped at him. "I think that's enough good deeds for the century, don't you? If you'll excuse me, I have much more pressing business to attend to."

"Crowley…" Dean sighed. The demon was already gone. Dean angrily kicked one of the Impala's tires. He didn't know who else to turn to. He had already tried mediums and spirit summoning rituals to see if she was still on earth. Cas had peeked into Heaven and now apparently she wasn't in Hell. He didn't know where else to look, but he had to keep going. He couldn't let her be dead just like that—without so much as an apology or a goodbye. Where was the closure in that? Her abrupt disappearance was eating at him. Dean HAD to figure out what happened to her.

"What did Crowley say?" Sam's sudden entrance into the garage startled Dean out of his reverie.

"Well… she's not in Hell. I guess we can count that as a blessing." Dean muttered. He turned to start cleaning up the ingredients from the ritual.

Sam nodded as if he expected that answer, but he didn't leave like Dean expected him to. Instead, Sam sighed and waited until Dean looked up at him to see why he was still there. "Dean, it's been a month."

"And?"

"Cas is on some sort of penance journey in Africa. We haven't seen Meg since that day. Kevin's still in the wind. Bobby's off with Rufus. You fixed up the car ages ago and yet we're still here."

Dean avoided his gaze. "What are you saying, Sam?"

"I'm saying we have a case." Sam held out his phone that had a news article pulled up. Dean didn't even glance at it. "Look, I know you're grieving. I am too, but you can't just sit here. You and I both know that she wouldn't want this. She would tell you to get off of your butt and do something."

Dean finally looked up at his brother. "So you're giving up on her?"

"No! I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that until we get a breakthrough, there are other people that we can save." Sam placed the phone on the table and started to leave the garage. "I'm leaving in 15 minutes." He called over his shoulder. "You better be ready."

Dean looked down at the phone. It looked like a vamp nest down in Alabama. He knew that Sam was right. Zara wouldn't have wanted him to sit alone in this musty garage obsessing over her disappearance when he could be out there helping people. Sure, she would want him to find her, but not at the expense of other people's lives. He could do two things at once, right? Maybe something they found on the way would help him in his search.

* * *

"Where are we going?" Zara asked. They had been walking for quite some time and it was getting dark. They hadn't encountered any more monsters, though Zara didn't know if that was because there weren't that many around or because they were all terrified of the woman she was with. Her instincts kept telling her to leave and run the other direction as fast as she could, but something was keeping her here with Madimi—something she couldn't quite understand. They were now coming upon a large wall of rock at least a hundred feet high. She couldn't see any semblance of a shelter or a camp and yet the woman stopped a few feet from the wall.

"We're here." Madimi gestured to the wall.

Zara couldn't see anything that would indicate some sort of shelter, but at the same time she felt like there was _something_ there, just beyond what she could see. "I don't-" Right before Zara's eyes, a section of the wall vanished and revealed a torch-lit tunnel. "How did you do that?"

Madimi led her into the tunnel and the outside world disappeared as they entered. "I am a master of altering perceptions, Akele—something that one like you could have learned if you had been taught properly."

Zara stopped short. What had she said? Was she like Zara? Who was this woman? Run. You should run from her. Everything in her being was saying run, but then Madimi would touch her gently on the arm and those thoughts would be washed away. What could a little old lady do to her? She had been nothing but kind to Zara. She had done nothing to show that she was dangerous.

"Come along, dear." Madimi called from farther up the passage. "Not far now."

Zara followed more cautiously than before. She could hear the guards enter into the cavern behind her, but whatever perception altering magic Madimi possessed prevented Zara from seeing them. She was trapped in. Without the without Madimi's intoxicating touch Zara's brain went back to normal and she realized just how much danger she was in. She was in Purgatory, following a strange woman who held some power over her, and now she was enclosed in a mysterious cave flanked by invisible guards. This was bad—very, very bad. What had she gotten herself into?

Zara tried to turn back and leave the cave, but when she did so, the "guards" let out a low, menacing growl. Apparently there was no chance of leaving this cave alive by that route. Without another option, Zara continued down the path that the old woman had taken. Just around the corner, the cave opened up into a small cavern. Two fires blazed in the corners illuminating the only piece of furniture in the room—a throne made of bones. On it sat the old woman—grinning widely. Somehow the smile was familiar. Where did Zara recognize that half-crazed grin?

Right before her eyes, Madimi began to change. She grew smaller and younger—shrinking in the throne while maintaining the same authority that it afforded her. As Madimi grew younger and younger, Zara recognized the same wild, menacing eyes of the one thing that scared her most in this world. Horrified, Zara realized exactly where she had recognized this face. She was looking into the face of the child from her nightmares. The throne of bones on which she sat only served to complete the picture of surreal insanity. Terrified, Zara again tried to leave through the cave she entered from. However when she turned she was met by two growling Leviathans—the guards now uncloaked.

"Akele, stay." The child said in a voice that was much too old for her. "We have much to discuss." Reluctantly, Zara turned to face the child… Madimi. Zara now realized she had a name for the child. "Akele, Daughter of Light." Madimi mused in a mocking tone. "You hardly live up to your name."

"What do you want with me?" Zara asked shakily. If she was going to die here, she was going to die with answers. "Who are you?"

"You haven't guessed?" The child shook her head in mock disappointment. Every gesture that the child made seemed off and much too old for her young appearance. "My, my- you don't know anything about the importance of names. Do you even know what Madimi means?"

"No." If she had to guess, it was Enochian. As if Zara would recognize the meaning of a name in the language of another species.

"In Enochian, it quite literally means _Daughter_ of the Daughter of Light." Madimi hopped off of the throne and walked towards Zara. She took Zara's hand in both of her own—her feather soft touch felt foreign when Zara expected the exact opposite from this being. "Of course, you would recognize me more by the name my mother gave me," the child continued in a whisper- her bright eyes staring stonily into Zara's. "Alicia Grace Winchester."


	61. Chapter 61

A/N So Zara's child isn't dead... I'll have you know that this has been the plan from the beginning and I can finally talk about it! ;) I didn't just kill that kid off for the man/woman pain. Alicia, or Madimi, has been in the exact spot I've wanted her this entire time. Is Madimi irrevokably evil? You tell me.

Thank you to all my lovely reviewers last week: chinaluv, Head Over Heels Is Standing, Savarra, EmilyAnnMcGarrett-Winchester, sunshine102897, RippleInThePond, Remember Ember, mamasam, Sarah.B, and icedragonfirebird! Y'all are the best readers I could ever ask for!

* * *

_"In Enochian, it quite literally means Daughter of the Daughter of Light." Madimi hopped off of the throne and walked towards Zara. She took Zara's hand in both of her own—her feather soft touch felt foreign when Zara expected the exact opposite from this being. "Of course, you would recognize me more by the name my mother gave me," the child continued in a whisper. "Alicia Grace Winchester."_

* * *

**Chapter 61**

Zara immediately recoiled at the thought that this terror was the child whose loss she had grieved for months. This… this couldn't be Alicia. "No." Zara shook her head emphatically. "You're not her. You're not my child."

Madimi scoffed—unperturbed by Zara's reaction. "What did you think happened when you opened that portal? That much energy in your inexperienced hands? Something had to give." She hopped back up onto the throne of bones and swung her legs to and fro since they were too short to reach the floor. "You couldn't contain it all and my soul was sent here as a result. I can tell you're disappointed in what I've become, but I can't say I'm very impressed with you either, _mother_."

"No, you're manipulating me. You can't be my child."

"I can assure you, I will always manipulate you," the child agreed seriously. "But I never lie. I have no reason to."

Somehow, Zara believed her. Her dreams started shortly after Alicia's death. Why else would she take a special interest in Zara even before she came to Purgatory? What would she stand to gain from claiming Zara as her parentage? It was obvious that Madimi was powerful enough not to need Zara. Plus, Zara couldn't deny that there was a certain familial resemblance. Madimi had the same cruel eyes as her father, but the soft voice of Zara's mother. It was surreal. She was horrified to see what her darling baby had become. It broke Zara's heart to know that this was all her fault.

"But… You're supposed to be a baby."

"Like I said before—there are no children in Purgatory. They all come as adults no matter their age at death—one small courtesy in a land of pure violence."

"And you have different faces." Zara was doing her best to process everything that was happening.

"I'm a child, I'm a woman," Madimi morphed into a woman that looked much like Zara. "I'm a crone." She then took on the form of the old woman that Zara first saw at the stream. "I'm whatever I want to be. And you see what I want you to see." She turned back into the child. Zara wondered if she preferred the child's form because she truly was a child or because she knew that it unnerved people to see a child acting like she did. Madimi continued. "Altering perception is merely one thing that you could do if you lived up to your full potential."

"And who taught you?"

"The Crone."

Zara had no idea who the Crone was, but it was apparent that whoever she was, she was not here anymore. "What happened to her?"

"I killed her." Madimi shrugged nonchalantly. "To prove my loyalty, the Leviathans required something great—patricide. Since I could only get to you through dreams, the gauntlet fell to her. She understood."

Horrified, Zara remembered the dream where she saw who must have been the Crone running for her life—calling out for help. "It certainly looked like she did." Zara shot back.

"You have no grasp of how it works down here do you?" Madimi shook her head. "It's kill or be killed."

"My nightmares… that was you." It was all coming together now. This was what her dreams had been about. "Why?"

"I wanted to get to know you."

Zara stared at her dumbfounded. Wanted to get to know her? And those dreams were her method of choice? If you wanted to get to know a relative you took them out for coffee, not torture them in their sleep. "By killing me? Killing the Crone? Trying to get me to kill Sean?"

Madimi shrugged. "I've found that the best way of getting inside someone's head is to make them afraid. Fear brings out the real side of people."

The admission horrified Zara. What was this thing before her? Was this really her child? Surely there must be some good in her somewhere. This twisted, demented child must have some bit of her humanity intact. "Why are you like this? This isn't-"

"This isn't how you would have raised me?" She let out a little laugh. "I have no doubt that you would have raised me to be a perfect little angel—sweet and kind and…" Madimi paused and gave her a disgusted look. "-sickening really. I wasn't raised like that, _mother_. I was raised in Purgatory—the Land of _Monsters_. And I'm not ashamed to be one of them. They aren't weak like you are."

"You don't know me."

"Oh, but I do." Madimi hopped off of the throne again and started pacing around the room. "Everything I have done has been in an attempt to understand you—the nightmares, the old woman, even now I am learning what makes you tick. And there is one thing that I know for sure." Madimi turned to face Zara. "I know you're weak and a coward. I realized it when I saw you refuse to kill your abuser. I could never accept someone who was a coward."

"Not killing him doesn't make me a coward." In Zara's mind, not killing Sean when she had the chance was actually a sign of strength and growth. However, surely Madimi would not see it that way.

"No. It makes you sentimental." Madimi continued her pacing. "And sentiment makes you weak. You can't do what needs to be done."

"And what about you?" Zara was quickly losing hope that there was any real goodness in this child.

Madimi snorted as she counted off on her fingers. "I killed my own mother—twice. And I'd do it again. I killed the woman who raised me. I proved that I am not ruled by sentiment. I can do what needs to be done, no matter the cost."

"It must be lonely—cutting out any and all ties to people who could love you."

Madimi turned to Zara with fury in her eyes and venom in her voice. "My own mother abandoned me in a forest. Do not talk to me about loneliness."

"I'm so sorry, Alicia." Zara said quietly—tears in her eyes. Sorry for the fate that she gave her child, but also mourning Alicia, the child she lost to Madimi, the child standing before her.

"_Madimi._" The child emphasized her other name—the one that seemed to suit her personality better anyway. "And 'sorry' doesn't change a thing."

"And what are you planning on doing with me... Madimi? Kill me?"

"I've already done that twice, remember?" The child again hopped up on the throne of bones. "No. I will leave you in the forest like you did to me. You've been seen consorting with me, I am sure that my enemies will not hesitate to capture and torture you much better than I could." With that, Madimi waved her hand and the Leviathan guards dragged Zara back down the passage from which she came.

* * *

"How did he get past you?" Balthazar broke the silence between them. It was easier for him to talk than to ruminate on his current condition. His back may be healed, but his grace wasn't. That meant that he was dying-slowly but surely. Gadreel could heal him periodically and maybe slow the process, but his ultimate demise was inevitable at this point.

Gadreel stirred in the other cell when he heard Balthazar speak. "Who?"

"Something I've always wondered... How did Lucifer get past you and into the garden?"

There was a long, tense silence before the older angel answered him. "He didn't get past me."

"But if he didn't trick you…" Balthazar trailed off as something dawned on him. "You let him in? On purpose?"

"He convinced me that keeping the humans in the garden wasn't protecting them—it was imprisoning them. I loved humanity. I wanted them to be free."

That still meant that Gadreel agreed with Lucifer. He was on the side of the angels who started everything. He was the linchpin to the ultimate downfall of all the angels. "You were on his side." Balthazar accused.

"Do not put me on the same level as the Defiler. I deserve a more respect from you of all people." Gadreel's angry tone stopped Balthazar in his tracks. "You know what it's like being a Guardian. You want what's best for your charge no matter the consequences. I thought freedom was what was best for them. I didn't think about the consequences of my actions." His voice turned to one of sorrow. "I didn't know that he was going to corrupt them. I didn't know that he was going to liberate them by twisting their minds. I didn't know…"

The brokenness in Gadreel's tone instantly made Balthazar feel guilty. He had no right of accusing him. After all they had been through together… After everything the Host had done to them… He should have given him more benefit of the doubt than jump to such petty conclusions.

"And for my love for humanity, I was made into a cautionary tale. My freedom—taken away because of the freedom I granted the world."

"I'm sorry." Those words held so much more than Balthazar could ever say. "I shouldn't have assumed…"

"I cannot expect you to think anything other than what the Host has conditioned you to think for centuries." Gadreel sighed. The weight of his ruined reputation always weighed on him. If only they knew the truth.

"Why don't we start over?" Balthazar offered. "If anyone deserves it, it's you."

"What?" Gadreel asked confusedly.

It wasn't until then that Balthazar realized how much the customs of the humans had rubbed off on him. The human concept of "do-overs" was completely foreign to angels as were many other things that he felt were normal, albeit a little cheesy. "It's a human custom." Balthazar explained. "Where you forget all the bad things that the other has done and give them a fresh start." He remembered the two times he was offered the same chance- with Ari'el and Zara. It was an opportunity to start over without the gossip of the Host hanging over his head. Gadreel had the right to receive the same from him.

"I do not understand."

"Just go along with it." Balthazar rolled his eyes. "Hello. My name is Balthazar. It's nice to meet you."

"This does not make sense. I already know your name and you know mine. What is the purpose of re-introducing ourselves?"

"It's a clean slate, Gad. We act as if we are only just meeting each other. All past sins are forgiven and only the future determines our opinions of the other." There was a long silence on the other side of the wall. Balthazar could tell that Gadreel was fully contemplating what this foreign custom must mean. He hoped that the gesture would be a comfort to the older angel as it had been to him, though his silence was making him wonder if he had gone too far.

Finally, the older angel spoke. "H-Hello… I am Gadreel."

* * *

Zara had been running mindlessly for hours. She didn't have time to think… she didn't want to think. It was all just too confusing and hurt too much. Her child… her child was the child from her nightmares. Her child was the thing that scared her most. Her child wanted her dead. Even now, she could hear Madimi's "guards" shuffling behind her—herding her towards the people who were supposed to carry out the deed.

Zara was so tired. Her feet kept on getting tangled in the branches and weeds underfoot and sweat was pouring down her back. But she kept on going. If she stopped, the Leviathans would certainly finish her off. If she continued on, she would find Madimi's enemies. Zara would rather take her chances with these other people than with the Leviathans. Didn't Madimi say Benny was their leader? Yeah. She would certainly rather trust her life to them than with Madimi.

The rustling and growling behind her stopped suddenly, making Zara pause. Leviathans were gone. That must mean that she was here… wherever here was. All around her was just the same trees and underbrush as she had been running through for the past few hours. Nothing looked any different, but Zara could tell that there was _something_ here that she was missing—as if it were just at the corner of her eye. Zara wondered if it was the same thing that cloaked Madimi's guards and hiding place, but that couldn't be right either, could it? That would mean there was another person here could "alter perception" as Madimi had put it.

Zara took another few tentative steps forward. She suddenly didn't feel as confident that she was safer here. This was the Purgatory and Zara was incredibly inexperienced. Zara took another few steps forward and everything changed before her eyes. Instead of the empty forest that she had been walking through a minute before, she was on the edge of a large camp filled with gruesome looking people in vastly different garb—from business suits to gladiator armor, milling around. She didn't have enough time to process what she was seeing before she felt a blow to the back of her head and she fell to the ground—stars dancing in her vision. Next thing she knew, a rough feeling sack had been thrown over her head, her hands were restrained behind her back, and she was being dragged farther into the camp.


	62. Chapter 62

A/N So season finale... What did y'all think? I thought it was alright. I'm wondering what they're going to do with that new problem that has cropped up (No spoilers, see?). I promise to stay positive for the next season. :) Anywho as Hellatus begins, I'll continue posting. I hope y'all like this new Purgatory plot.

Thank you to all you lovely reviewers: chinaluv, EmilyAnnMcGarrett-Winchester, sunshine102897, RippleInThePond, Sarah.B, Lorelei, and mamasam! I love you all to pieces! :)

* * *

_Zara took another few steps forward and everything changed before her eyes. Instead of the empty forest that she had been walking through a minute before, she was on the edge of a large camp filled with gruesome looking people in vastly different garb—from business suits to gladiator armor, milling around. She didn't have enough time to process what she was seeing before she felt a blow to the back of her head and she fell to the ground—stars dancing in her vision. Next thing she knew, a rough feeling sack had been thrown over her head, her hands were restrained behind her back, and she was being dragged farther into the camp._

* * *

**Chapter 62**

The sack was roughly yanked off of Zara's head and the sudden light blinded her momentarily. She could feel the bark of the tree she was tied to biting into her back and hear disgruntled murmuring in front of her. When she regained her vision, Zara almost wished she hadn't. In front of her and all around was a large crowd of angry looking people. Some of them were openly baring rows of sharp, pointed teeth at her. Others were sporting versions of spikes or talons out of various parts of their person and every single one of them was heavily armed. They all seemed three seconds from attacking her and eating her alive, but something was holding them back. Zara wasn't sure what it was quite yet. This was the real Purgatory. This was the raw, violent hostility that Zara had expected to find here.

There was a disturbance at the far end of the crowd. Within seconds, Zara could see that Benny was roughly pushing his way through the group of angry monsters towards her. As he brushed by, Zara caught some of the things that the monsters were saying to him. Each utterance made Zara's heart beat a little faster.

"She's a human. Why can't we eat her?"

"Led them straight to our doorstep, she did."

"She's not even supposed to be here."

"Spy."

"What difference would a few drops of blood make?"

"Is it the Terror in disguise?"

"Please. I haven't had a taste of human in centuries."

Zara wasn't sure if she was more afraid of the ones who thought she was an agent of Madimi or the ones who wanted to eat her. And then there was Benny. He didn't seem angry or hungry. His intentions were hidden behind a mask of neutrality. He stepped beyond the perimeter the crowd had made around Zara's tree and stopped—surveying Zara with his hands behind his back. The angry sounding murmuring continued all around them.

One monster wearing plain overalls and looked like he might be a werewolf seemed to have enough of waiting around for Benny to make his decision and he began stalking towards Zara—fangs bared. "Just a little taste," he growled. He started coming towards her quickly with murder in his eyes. In a flash, Benny jumped into action and intercepted the werewolf just before he could leap at Zara. When the werewolf resisted, Benny snapped his neck with a sharp twist of the neck and let him fall to the ground unceremoniously.

None of his comrades dared follow the werewolf's example. In fact, no one even seemed to mourn him. They hardly even glanced at the body—instead focusing on Zara and Benny. Seconds later, the body disappeared into thin air. Zara didn't have time to contemplate it as the people deciding her fate started talking again.

"Take her to my tent. I'll question her there." Benny barked in his thick, southern accent. The death and disappearance of their comrade didn't seem to faze them, but apparently that comment was enough to elicit a reaction.

"How do we know you're not just going to take her for yourself?"

"Right! Talk to her here in front of all of us!"

"Just because you're our leader doesn't mean you can take all the spoils for yourself."

Benny seemed to be waiting for that reaction. "Then you'll _act civilized_ and not attack our prisoner."

"Hah." A voice near the back scoffed. "Civilized? This is Purgatory."

"AND THIS IS MY CAMP AND YOU'LL DO AS I SAY. YA HEAR?" Benny rounded on them—his vampire teeth poking out, threatening. "So either control yourself or leave and don't come back. I doubt you'd last very long out there with the Terror's minions so nearby."

"And whose fault is that?" The voice continued—Zara saw that it came from a large man covered in tattoos.

"I SAID QUIET!" When it seemed like the voice wouldn't dissent anymore, Benny turned back to Zara. "Who are you?"

It took Zara a minute to get her voice back. "I… I'm Zara Win… McGuillicuddy." Zara bit her lip and hoped none of the monsters caught what she had almost said. In a crowd this large, there were no doubt monsters that had been sent here by the Winchesters. Bearing their name here would be a death sentence.

"And how did a human like yourself get here, Zara?"

"I…" Zara thought quickly. If she admitted she killed Dick Roman, she may gain some sort of traction with these people. It seemed like the Leviathans had teamed up against this band of rogues. If they ended up not liking that answer… well it looked like they were close to killing her anyway. Right? "I killed the Leviathan Alpha." Zara answered boldly.

"She's a hunter!" The voice near the back inspired another round of jeers and outbursts.

"But she killed an enemy!"

"She can claim all she wants, but is there any proof? She could be lying to us!"

"We haven't seen him since that angel took us all prisoner. How do we really know the angel didn't do it?"

"She's just telling us what we want to hear. I still think she's a spy!"

"Why else would the Terror release her?"

Benny crossed his arms and just waited this round out with a tired expression. It was clear that these sorts of outbursts were common among those in this camp. When it finally came to a semblance of quiet again, he continued. "We don't know if you're telling the truth. What we _do_ know is that you have been seen consorting with the enemy and have come to our doorstep flanked by Levi's ready to attack us. Your actions mark you as an enemy. Do you have anything to prove otherwise?"

"I-I…" Zara stuttered—at a loss for words. What was she supposed to say? That Madimi was her child? That would most certainly get her killed. That Madimi sent her here for the express purpose of having them torture and kill her? That wouldn't help. She had absolutely nothing to say that wouldn't end in certain death. "I don't know."

"I say kill her!"

The monsters closest to her took a threatening step towards her. Zara recognized that she was three seconds away from being the target of an angry mob and the only person standing between them and her didn't seem too worried about it. She started breathing quickly—her heart pounding in her ears. Of all the ways that she had imagined dying, eaten alive by monsters wasn't one of them. However before they could come any closer, an old woman's voice rang out above the din of the crowd.

"WAIT!"

A hush fell over the crowd. Whispers of "the Crone" could be heard passing from one mouth to the next. Zara couldn't see the woman, but she certainly could hear her.

"Stop yer yammering and use yer brains! She's a _human_."

"Yeah. And she smells delicious!"

"THERE'LL BE NO EATIN' HER!" The woman bellowed. She spoke slowly, as if she were talking to three year olds, to get her point across. "Think! She's _human_—which means she can _kill_ the Terror."

The crowd processed this information for a moment before the one voice started a battle cry that everyone else joined in on. The excited yelling and stamping of feet shook Zara to her core and she blanched. Kill Madimi? That was her only way out of this? Zara didn't know how she felt about what her daughter had become, but she certainly didn't want to _kill_ her. Considering her tenuous situation, did she even have a choice?

"Benny, meet me in my tent. Bring Akele." The old woman made her way out of the crowd and Zara got a glimpse of her as she turned away. It was only then that Zara recognized exactly who she was. It was the Crone—the "teacher" Madimi had spoken about… and also said she had killed. This world kept on getting weirder and weirder.

Benny cut the ropes restraining Zara to the tree and led her through the crowd after the woman. Instead of attacking her as they had wanted to mere minutes before, some of the people in the crowd clapped her on the back jovially. Their change of heart was like a whiplash. If Zara had learned anything in the past day she had been in Purgatory, it was that things could change at the drop of a hat and you could never tell how things were going to go.

* * *

"Alright, what's rattlin' around in that head of yours, old woman?" Benny grumbled as he pushed Zara into a tattered, square tent ahead of him. Zara found it curious that there seemed to be vines and branches growing on and around the tent as if the tent itself had become part of an overgrown garden. What they found inside was the Crone sitting cross-legged on a mat, drinking a cup of tea. The tea gave off a pungent aroma and that along with the herbs and plants hanging from the eaves of the tent and the flowers and vines that were growing even inside the tent served to be an assault on Zara's senses. Benny continued talking while Zara observed the dwelling that seemed to have been plucked out of a fairy tale. "You can't go around calling for the end of the reign of Terror without a plan of action."

"Yes. Yes." She waved him off impatiently. "Let her go and leave us." Benny hesitated. He didn't seem to appreciate being ordered around and didn't like the thought of leaving them alone, but the old woman was adamant. "What do you think'll happen? I'm more than a match for this amateur. Go calm your band of rabble rousers, Benjamin." Benny waited only a moment longer before nodding jerkily and exiting the tent.

"Sit." The Crone ordered Zara and she obeyed quickly. Zara thought it best not to anger one of the only people who didn't want to eat her… even if she had her own agenda for Zara. "Tea?" The woman offered Zara a cup, but she declined politely and the woman fell silent—observing Zara.

In turn, Zara observed this old woman. Up close, she seemed even older than Zara had expected. She wore a tattered, old dress that hung off of her slight frame. Her graying hair stuck out at odd angles. Her wrinkles formed permanent frown lines around her mouth—giving her a dour expression. As Zara observed her, the woman frowned even more and squinted at her. Whoever this old lady was, it seemed that she was accustomed to being in a foul mood. The word "curmudgeonly" immediately came to mind.

After a couple seconds of awkward silence, Zara HAD to get some answers. "Who-"

"Do not discuss important matters over tea. It spoils both." The old woman glared at Zara until she was sure she wouldn't speak again until the tea was gone.

Zara was actually grateful for the silence. She hadn't had a moment's rest since she got here and she needed a moment to process everything that had happened. It was maybe easiest to look at the facts. She was in Purgatory. Her child was in Purgatory. Her child was a sadistic nightmare. This nightmare also led an army of monsters and wanted her dead. Her child's enemies also were an army of monsters. This army apparently will eat her if she doesn't kill her own child. Zara could go through the facts all she wanted, but it didn't make anything easier.

Kill her child? She couldn't so much as raise a hand against her. Yes, Madimi frightened the living daylights out of her and yes, Madimi wanted her dead, but she was also her flesh and blood. After losing her first child in her unwillingness to leave an abusive relationship—something she had regretted since the day it happened, Zara COULD NOT turn around and _kill_ the second child that she thought she lost forever. It didn't matter if she was the evilest thing in this stupid afterlife. Zara would not kill her child. She would just have to find another way.

The Crone finally finished her tea and set her empty cup beside the teapot. "Alright, child." She glanced up at Zara. "I know you have questions."

"Who are you?" Zara asked immediately.

"I've had many names in my lifetime. Nowadays I go by the Crone, though you may recognize me by the name 'Mother Earth.'"

Zara's mouth dropped open. That would explain all the plants. That also meant that, according to Balthazar, she was in the company of someone like herself with many of the same abilities. It explained the odd way the camp was cloaked as well. If Madimi was capable of such things after being trained for a short time, this woman could probably accomplish a hundredfold.

"Close your mouth child. You'll catch flies." The Crone chided.

"And how did you end up here?"

The Crone opened her mouth widely and a row of sharply pointed teeth descended over her regular ones. "I was a vampire when I died—turned by my lover."

"Madimi said that you were her teacher. You're like her."

"Like you as well, Akele." The Crone remarked. "Yes. I taught Madimi everything she knows. She was lost and afraid. I did the best I could to get through to her but… well you saw how she turned out."

"Why is she…" Zara trailed off. She didn't want to call Madimi a monster even if that was what she had become. Zara had to believe that there was some good in Madimi somewhere.

"Sadistic? Cruel? Insane?" The Crone voiced what Zara refused to. "I assure you, I did not make her that way."

"Then how?" Zara was at a loss. Her child was a _child_. Weren't they supposed to be innocent and pure?

"You know that there are no children in Purgatory, yes?" Zara nodded. Madimi had said something to that effect. "The child souls that come here… they don't come here whole. They may seem normal on the outside, but there is something corrupted inside of them. Purgatory takes their souls and tries to fix them so that they can survive in this harsh otherworld, but they end up crueler—more ruthless and cunning than any of them would have been if they had been raised by their parents instead of by the afterlife. Purgatory in a sense brings out the purest form of the monster inside of them."

"But Alicia, er, Madimi is a human." Zara insisted.

The Crone let out a condescending laugh and gave Zara a hard stare. "War, abuse, racism, murder, cruelty, abandonment—each of these you have seen and experienced first hand. These monstrous things are not the inventions of the beings _you_ call monsters. We are not at fault for the brokenness of the world above. Humanity is at the root of the terrors of that world. You and I both know that humanity is truly the biggest monster of them all. The fact that humans have a separate afterlife doesn't change that."

Zara sat silent. The Crone was right. All of these atrocities were things that humanity had created. They really were the worst of the bunch… but they could also do good things—love, help people, create wonders. Unwilling to debate philosophy with Mother Earth herself, Zara changed the subject. "You said we are the same. You must know who I am."

"Zara Lee McGuillicuddy Winchester, Akele, Daughter of Light, abusive ex-husband, time traveler and dimension hopper, marked by an absent guardian, untrained in your abilities, impulsive and emotional, headstrong and determined, thinks that you know best because you know the future but you are really only making things worse, you have a brother in Hell for you…" The Crone ticked off Zara's attributes and circumstances emotionlessly, as if they were ingredients to a spell. The glint in her eye and her hard voice told Zara that she harbored a bit of contempt for her. Was it because Zara was a hunter? "Yes, I think I know you very well."

"I…" Zara didn't know what to say to that. Throughout the first few minutes of their conversation, Zara thought that the woman before her was fairly benign, if a bit gruff and odd, but now she was seeing another side of her. This woman was also cold and calculating underneath everything else. Zara looked away uncomfortably. "Madimi said she killed you. I even watched it happen. Why…"

"Why aren't I dead?"

Zara nodded.

"First, I wasn't killed by Madimi herself. I was killed by her Leviathans." The Crone made the distinction, but Zara didn't understand why it made a difference. Dead was dead. "Second, when a Purgatory native is killed by another Purgatory native, we don't really die. Think about it. If we stayed dead here, this place would be empty pretty quick. The dead can't exactly die again. When a native 'dies' here, their spirit jumps back to the place they appeared."

Zara's mind snapped back to the werewolf that Benny had "killed" earlier. Nobody had seemed concerned about it when his body disappeared. That must have been because he wasn't really dead and was just "respawning" or whatever. That didn't explain other things though. "Then why is everyone so afraid of Madimi? If you don't really die here then what power does she hold over you that she can scare the whole camp?"

"She's different. With her power, she can drain your spirit. She doesn't kill you. You just… cease to exist."

"And you taught her to do this?" Zara asked accusingly.

The Crone glared at her. "No. She learned that all on her own."

"But then if you have the same power, why do you need me? You could kill her yourself."

"Haven't you been listening?" The Crone snapped at her. "I'm a vampire. That makes me a Purgatory native and thus unable to kill permanently in this afterlife. But you, you have the power to defeat Madimi and you are a human, so it will be permanent. You're the only one who can do it."

"Right…" Zara bit her lip. What would they do to her when they found out she wasn't going to kill her child?

There was a sound of crunching underbrush just outside the door to the tent—giving Zara a much needed distraction, but it stopped suddenly, as if whoever was outside didn't want anyone to know. The Crone sighed. "Benny Lafitte. If you're just going to eavesdrop outside the door, you may as well come in. We're done getting ourselves acquainted. It's time to talk business anyway."

"Good." The vampire leader pushed his way into the tent with an air of impatience. "What's going on? I know she's a human, but that doesn't mean she's strong enough to kill the Terror."

"She's not just any human, Benjamin. This is Madimi's mother."

Benny's eyebrows shot up in surprise and he took a step back—suspicion flickering in his eyes. "And she's got the same abilities?"

"Hello, I'm right here." Zara interjected—tired of being talked about when she was in the same room. Benny only gave her a cursory glance before sitting on the Crone's other side and continuing their conversation.

"She's untrained, but yes. I think she can do it."

"Wait-" Zara tried to get a word in edgewise.

"Is she on Madimi's side though? Everyone thinks she's a spy thanks to Castor's inflammatory jawing."

"No, she isn't. You need to get Castor under control."

"I'm holding this camp together with string and twine as it is. He's just making it worse. I _can't_…" Benny trailed off when he remembered they weren't alone. "Not unless you get everyone to believe that she's _actually_ going to kill the Terror."

"Oh, she will."

Zara was having quite enough of this. "I'M NOT GOING TO KILL MADIMI." Zara emphasized every word—gaining the full attention of the other two. Their hard stares made Zara falter slightly, but she was adamant about that point.

The Crone gave Benny a meaningful glance. "I'm sure proper _leverage_ can be arranged for."

Her stomach flipped uneasily. "What leverage?"

The Crone shrugged. "Hell's only next door. I can call in a few favors and get your brother out if you do what we say."

Zara paused… Brennon out of Hell. The prospect was enticing. Zara had to admit that she would do almost anything to get her brother out of the torment that he had been subjected to for far too long on her own account. But this? Killing her own daughter? That would be an all new low. "So to save my brother's soul, I must defile my own?"

"The soul of a hero for the soul of a madwoman—I'd say it's a fair trade."

Zara carefully weighed her options. One way or another, she would be forced into this situation. If she disagreed, they'd likely persuade her to go along with them through torture. At least if she agreed, she could buy herself some time to find another way and save Brennon too. She still wasn't going to kill Madimi, but they didn't need to know that. Zara finally looked up at them resolutely. "Okay." She paused. "On one condition—you get Brennon out of Hell. Today."


	63. Chapter 63

A/N Hi guys! Another week, another chapter... A long one at that. I'm trying to tell the whole story I wanted to here while still getting back to the boys as fast as I can. So that means longer chapters. :) I hope it works out. Here you'll get to meet some characters that I think you'll like. :) One has certainly been way overdue.

Thank you to all of you who reviewed last chapter: EmilyAnnMcGarrett-Winchester, sunshine102897, Ladysunshine6, chinaluv, RippleInThePond, Sarah.B, and mamasam! I love y'all to pieces!

* * *

_"The soul of a hero for the soul of a madwoman—I'd say it's a fair trade."_

_Zara carefully weighed her options. One way or another, she would be forced into this situation. If she disagreed, they'd likely persuade her to go along with them through torture. At least if she agreed, she could buy herself some time to find another way and save Brennon too. She still wasn't going to kill Madimi, but they didn't need to know that. Zara finally looked up at them resolutely. "Okay." She paused. "On one condition—you get Brennon out of Hell. Today."_

* * *

**Chapter 63**

When Benny led Zara out of the Crone's tent, it was nearly morning. Or at least what looked like morning since there wasn't any sun, more like a gradual lightening and darkening of the grayish starless sky. Zara hadn't realized they had been talking for that long. They certainly weren't open to the idea of getting Brennon out of Hell immediately at first. But she eventually talked them into it with the stipulation that Brennon would be held prisoner until Madimi was dead. Now Zara just had to figure out either how to escape with Brennon, or incapacitate Madimi without killing her.

The camp looked much like any forest camp Zara would have really expected. Tents surrounding campfires were scattered throughout with no clear sense of order and people were milling about everywhere—cleaning weapons, repairing tents, tending fires, and so on. The strangest thing was the garb that the people wore. Some were in full roman military grab. Others were wearing business suits. One guy was even wearing swimming trunks. They must be wearing whatever they died in, Zara realized. Many of them were throwing angry or distrustful looks her way. Not only did her arrival seem suspect to them, she had admitted to being a hunter while tied to that tree.

"I'll be back with your brother." Benny informed her. "Don't tell anyone about what we've talked about. They may be okay now, but if they found out you were Madimi's mother, they'd eat you alive before I could say moo. And under no circumstances should you talk to Castor." He pointed towards a large, gruff-looking man talking to a werewolf a few tents away. He was wearing thick, leathery armor but his arms were bare—showing the swirling, blue tattoos that designated him as a Djinn. Zara nodded. She would have no problem with staying out of his way.

"Harley!" Benny waved over a trim woman with wide rimmed glasses, a high blond ponytail, and a wide smile. Zara immediately felt more relaxed in her presence. Unlike many of the monsters here, Harley seemed to be less "rough around the edges." As Harley turned towards them, Zara caught sight of the other side of her face. Five long, jagged scars ran from her eyebrow to the base of her neck. Her right eye was white. Zara did her best not to stare and focus on Harley's other side—the one smiling kindly at her.

"This is Zara." Benny introduced her. "Show her around camp. Give her that empty tent in your circle, okay?"

Harley smiled widely. "Sure thing, chief!" Benny disappeared quickly, leaving Zara alone with Harley. "So you're gonna kill the Terror, right?" She asked in a bubbly voice.

"Uhm… yeah." Zara said quietly—unable to garner the same enthusiasm over killing her flesh and blood.

"That's great!" Harley grinned and started leading Zara through the camp. "So you're a human right? I mean, I know you're a human. I can smell that, but it's not like we see many humans around here. Except for the Terror, but I know you're not like her." Harley continued talking in rapid fire fashion, not giving Zara a chance to answer any of her questions. Zara was grateful for the break though. "The camp's pretty boring. We just sleep and try to pass the time. It's not like we can really leave the Crone's protection with the Terror running around…"

They stopped at a clump of tents encircling a fire. "My tent is here. There's an empty one next to it. You wana sit?" Harley motioned Zara over to a few logs that served as benches around the fire. Zara sat and then Harley made sure to sit on Zara's right so that the marred side of her face was unseen.

"So." Harley smiled again. "Do you have any kids?

Zara bit her lip. Benny had warned her not to say anything about their conversation in the tent—especially Madimi's parentage. "… No."

Harley didn't notice Zara's hesitation and powered on once she had answered, "I have a daughter—apple of my eye. She's a kitsune like me. Her name's Mandy—still on Earth, but I just know she's alright. I can feel it in my bones, ya know? Mandy wanted to become a mortician—stay under the radar and still get what she needed to survive. She didn't want to kill anybody… I always admired her for that. I just hope the hunters leave her alone. I miss her like hell, but I don't want to see her in here for a long time."

Zara listened to Harley's shining praises and couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy. She couldn't say the same things about her own daughter. Zara couldn't even claim her as her own without risking getting killed. And she didn't have anyone left to blame for her daughter's poor upbringing but herself. It was her fault that Madimi was the way she was. It was her fault that Zara was too inexperienced in her power and let her child slip away. That was another reason Zara couldn't kill her. It wasn't truly Madimi's fault—it was Zara's.

"You're a hunter?" Harley pushed her glassed farther up her nose absentmindedly as she made conversation.

The question came out of the blue. "Yeah." Zara shifted uneasily. That had been broadcasted to the whole camp when she had said she killed Dick. It probably wasn't her brightest moment all things considered.

"You surely won't be earning any brownie points with most of the people here."

Zara wondered if that included Harley, but she didn't seem to hold anything against her like some of the other people here had. "But not you?"

Harley shrugged. "I wasn't killed by a hunter." Again Zara noticed the long scars that ran down the left side of Harley's face. Whoever did that… it wasn't the mark of a hunter's clean kill. It was something personal. She continued in a voice that was considerably less bubbly than when she first saw Zara. "Don't get me wrong, I don't like them as a rule, but I understand them in a way. They have a code that they have to follow and I respect that. You don't strike me as a cut and dry hunter though. I can tell you only kill when you have to. You don't enjoy it like some of them do."

Zara nodded. She could count the number of monsters she had killed on two hands and each one of them was an absolutely necessary kill. She certainly couldn't say the same for the brothers though… yet another relation that she couldn't claim for fear of being killed here.

Zara tried to stifle a yawn, but Harley caught it. It was only then that Zara realized exactly how long she had been awake and running around. She needed some sleep pronto. "Oh! Here I am jabbering on and you must be exhausted!" Harley jumped up. "I'll go get you a blanket and things. Stay right here. I'll be back in two ticks." The talkative woman disappeared and left Zara staring into the flames of the bonfire.

Zara didn't know if she had been sitting there for five minutes or five hours before someone came and sat heavily on the log next to her. Out of the corner of her eye, Zara noticed a flash of leather armor and Djinn tattoos. It was Castor—the monster Benny had told her to avoid. Zara bit her lip. Why was he here? Wasn't he one of the ones who had wanted to eat her? Suddenly, Zara wondered if Benny shouldn't have given her a few guards or something before he left. She didn't feel safe in Castor's presence. Of course if he had wanted to attack her, he would have done so already.

"Hey…" The silence stretched on when Zara didn't reply and Castor seemed to get annoyed. He spat into the fire and spoke a little louder. "I said hey."

Zara realized that Castor wasn't going to leave until he had said his peace, so she was going to have to reply. "Benny said I shouldn't talk to you."

Castor smirked—as if Benny's disapproval was a badge of honor. "And you're gonna listen to him?" He spat again. "Nobody really listens to that idiot. We just do as he says because he's buddy-buddy with the Crone and they'll kick us out if we don't."

"Seems like a good enough excuse to me. Madimi-"

Castor's eyes flashed blue and he let out a low, guttural noise. "We don't say her name here." He hissed harshly. "You wana call her down on us?"

Zara snorted. What? Was he superstitious too? "It's not like saying her name is going to summon her."

"That may not be," Castor said warily. "But everyone here just calls her the Terror."

"Fine." Zara sighed. Apparently everyone had different names for her child. "Protection from 'the Terror' seems like a good enough reason to follow him. She's certainly formidable."

"You would know." The Djinn accused.

"I guess so." Zara answered carefully.

"You know… something in my gut isn't settling right." Castor turned away from the fire to face Zara fully. Her first instinct was to back away, but she had a feeling that doing so would only be seen as a sign of weakness. "Why would she let you go alive? She doesn't do that. Ever."

Zara had been thinking the exact same thing for the last several hours. She still wasn't any closer to an answer. "… I don't know."

"Well you wana know what I think?"

_Not really_. Zara thought.

"I don't think you're here to kill her." The Djinn squinted at her suspiciously. "I think you're a spy—you're just waiting for your chance to turn us all over to HER. Lots of people around here agree with me too. You better watch your back."

"Is that a threat?" Zara hoped that Castor didn't notice the hint of fear in her tone. At the same moment, Zara saw Harley threading her way back to their circle of tents—carrying a few blankets. Zara breathed. There was no way Castor would openly attack her right now.

Castor eyed Harley's approaching form with distaste. "All's I'm saying is that if you ever find yourself a little too far away from our 'fearless leader,' you might regret it."

Zara let out a shaky breath as Castor got up, spat in the fire once more, and started to leave. He gave Harley a small nod in greeting as he passed her and went deeper into camp.

"Everything okay?" Harley asked when she noticed Zara's barely concealed frightened expression.

"I… I just met Castor…"

"He give you the third degree?" Harley looked over her shoulder in the direction that he disappeared off to.

"If by third degree you mean barely veiled threats, then yeah." Zara sighed.

Harley nodded as if she knew exactly what Zara was talking about. "I wouldn't worry too much about Castor. He's mostly talk. Nobody wants to start a riot when we are already fighting a war. But living together isn't easy. We're used to fighting each other, not living side by side. Tensions run high and some people are a little more aggressive than others."

"So…" Zara didn't feel as sleepy after being threatened. "What do you do around here?"

Harley readjusted her glasses and then sat in the seat Castor had previously occupied. "Well they don't have much use for an anthropology professor here, so I usually get stuck on portal watch."

"Portal watch?"

"The portal to Earth?" Harley spoke slowly—as if she just realized she might have said something she shouldn't have. "They didn't tell you about that?"

"I knew there was a portal to Earth somewhere out here. I didn't realize you guys were protecting it."

"Oh we have to." Harley nodded seriously—seemingly more relaxed that Zara knew of its existence. "Just think, if Madimi took her army through that… It would be apocalyptic."

"But why do you care? Earth is where you have to hide what you are. Earth is where you have to live in fear. Why would you want to protect it?"

"Because no matter what terrible things we have endured from your kind and our own, there are still people up there that we care about. I've got my daughter. Cook over there has a wife." Harley motioned towards a woman who had just ducked into a tent across form the fire. "Even Castor has someone—a twin brother or something I think. That's how you know they aren't going to make too much trouble. We don't want to risk the safety of our loved ones by leaving the portal unguarded. If Madimi made it to Earth, they would all die. That's why we _need_ you to kill her."

"Huh…" Zara didn't know what to say to that. Maybe it was just the way she had been conditioned to think as a hunter for the past year, but she hadn't given it that much thought. The Earth wasn't only the human's domain. The monsters lived there too and had families of their own. It was only rational that they would want to protect it as much as the humans would.

"What?" Harley seemed to know what Zara was thinking. "You thought you were the only one with a family you cared about? We may be monsters, but we're not heartless."

"No, no." Zara backpedaled. "I get it. I really do. I just, hadn't really thought about it."

"Makes it easier when you're hunting us." Harley supplied matter-of-factly.

"I didn't mean that."

"I know." Harley shrugged. "But it's part of it. I guess I just wanted to show you that we're not so different from you. Our eating habits and behaviors are gruesome and violent at times, but at the core we're all the same."

Zara was reminded of her conversation with the Crone. In that woman's mind, humans were actually worse. "Yeah, I guess you're right." Zara agreed solemnly—staring into the fire. "Well, I should get some sleep…" Zara said finally.

"Of course!" Harley jumped up and started handing Zara things. "Here's your bedding. If you need anything else, I'll be around. My shift doesn't start until after supper."

Zara nodded in thanks and started to head to her tent before she paused again. "Should I be worried?" Zara didn't hold the same confidence in Castor's harmlessness as Harley did. "I mean, I don't want to get eaten in my sleep."

"I don't think so." Harley pushed up her glasses. "Cap'n Benny said you aren't to be harmed under pain of being burned alive and then banished from camp—which is worse than death in our circumstances. No one wants to risk that. You're safe. But I'll stay close just in case if you want."

"Okay. Thank you." Zara entered her little tent and lay down. She didn't entirely believe Harley about it being entirely safe, but sleep was beckoning her. _Sleep lightly_ was Zara's last thought before she drifted off into one of the deepest sleeps she had had in quite a while.

* * *

It was always the same clearing Zara found herself in—the same gnarled trees and eerie quietness. There were no growling Leviathans herding Zara towards where she knew Madimi would be, but even then, she felt herself being drawn down that familiar path. She didn't feel quite as frightened as she used to about this particular dream. Zara didn't know if it was because she had become numb to the fear or because she was just plain stupid.

Zara padded through the quiet forest and she came to her destination sooner than she expected. The nightgown-clad child was in the clearing as always, but this time Madimi was sitting cross legged in the center—just staring at up at the starless sky. Zara paused just inside the trees to observe the child… her child. Like this she seemed perfectly serene—the very picture of childlike innocence. There was no indication of the part of Madimi that gripped an entire army of monsters with fear. From here, Zara could imagine her child just like this. From here, she could hope that this version of her child was in there somewhere. This view of her child was why she was determined not to kill her.

"So I see they didn't kill you." Madimi finally spoke as she glanced from the sky over to Zara and then back upwards. She didn't seem surprised or disappointed at how things had turned out.

"No." Zara answered truthfully as she walked to sit next to Madimi on the grass.

"Pity." Madimi's voice had a sharp edge that made Zara flinch.

"Why am I here?"

"The Crone plans to use you against me." Madimi evaded the question.

Zara shrugged—not wanting to give anything away. "You know her better than I do."

"But you aren't going to do what she wants."

Zara bit her lip. She couldn't just admit that she wasn't going to kill her. Sure, she didn't quite like the Crone or her plans, but that didn't mean that she wanted to endanger the entire camp. "The jury's still out."

"That's a lie." Madimi snapped at Zara. "I will never lie to you so do not lie to me. You have already decided whether you will kill me or not."

"And you're wondering what that decision was? Is that it?"

"No." Madimi smiled a little to herself. "I know what your decision will be. I know you have already decided not to kill me. Your sentimentality will always win out. It will be your downfall in the end, mark my words… I want to know why."

"Why I don't want to kill you?" Zara sighed. The cat was out of the bag. What Madimi would do with that information was beyond her. Why didn't she want to kill her own child? It was so surreal that answering such a question was probably as close as Zara would get to mother-daughter bonding. "_You_ didn't kill _me_. You know that you're the only one who can kill me here and yet you send me to your enemies. You want to know what I think? You aren't the one who wants me dead. Your allies, the Leviathans, want me dead because they think that being with me will turn you against them. By sending me to the rebel's camp… you're protecting me—just like you protected the Crone by not truly killing her. You want the power that appearing the lone wolf to your allies affords you, but you also don't want to lose the two people who have ever thought to care about you."

Madimi let out a little breathy laugh. Zara's mind may have been playing tricks on her, but she almost thought the laugh sounded forced and a little uncertain. Zara's heart soared. Was she right? Had she finally found that little good within her? It may have been a trick, but it was all she had to hold on to. Madimi had just given her a reason to hope.

"Is that what you think I'm doing?"

"What else could it be?" Zara powered on eagerly—emboldened by Madimi's slip. "I believe that there's some good in you somewhere. No one is completely evil."

"Ah, hope. That's even worse than sentiment." Whatever small weakness that Madimi had shown was quickly hidden behind her inscrutable mask of malice and harsh words. "You think there's still some good in me somewhere? You want to know why I haven't killed you? It's because crushing your hope is the best torture I could ever want for the parent who abandoned me."

"I-" Zara felt someone shaking her shoulder even though no one was there. The clearing and the trees began to fade away and Zara could feel something pulling her back into the real world.

"Goodbye, mother." Madimi's voice also seemed farther away as Zara began to wake from her dream. Her last words were a mere whisper. "May we meet again."

* * *

"Zara!" Harley was shaking her shoulder when Zara finally awoke fully and jerked up. Harley released her and smiled good-naturedly. "Jesus, you sleep like the dead."

"I… Yeah." Zara tried to shake off her dream, but she couldn't. Was it real? Did she really see that small chink in Madimi's armor? Or was it all part of her grand plan? Was there reason to hope? Zara had to believe that there was. "What's happening?"

"Benny's back from wherever he came from. He said to bring you back to the Crone's tent."

Zara's eyes widened. She hadn't expected him to be back so soon… that was until she realized she had slept until the next day. But if he was back, so was Brennon. Before Harley could even lead her out of the tent, Zara was out and running towards the Crone's tent—not caring if she bumped into some people on her way in her haste to see the brother she had lost years ago.

Her heart ached and tears sprung to her eyes, Brennon was here. Her older brother had been her best friend and protector when they were younger. They were with each other through thick and thin and nothing could separate them. Losing him had been hell and now she was getting a second chance to see him—to thank him for everything he had done for her.

As she neared the overgrown tent, Benny exited and moved to stop Zara by grabbing her arm.

"Let me through." Zara growled.

"We need to talk terms." Benny insisted.

"I get to see my brother. Then we talk terms." Zara wrenched her arm out of his grip and pushed her way into the tent.

Inside, she was again assaulted by the pungent scent of herbs and tea and some level of her brain registered that the Crone was also in the room somewhere, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was the tall, muscular man in one corner of the room. He was still in his military fatigues and he seemed older than Zara remembered him, but it was unmistakably her brother. Brennon was standing at attention, at least, until he saw Zara enter the tent. Immediately his features softened and he whispered, "Lightning bug."

"Brennon." Zara rushed into his waiting arms and buried her face into his chest. The tears she was holding in finally fell down her cheeks and she gripped Brennon tighter—as if to make certain he was really there. Her brother was back. Wrapped in his arms, she finally felt safe again.

Benny cleared his throat as an interruption and Zara finally released her brother to glare back at him. "I would like an hour alone with my brother please. We'll talk terms after."

The Crone had already left and Benny backed out after her. "We'll be outside." It sounded like he was trying to protect them, but Zara knew it was because he was afraid of them running off. She couldn't blame him. It certainly was a possibility, one that she wouldn't enact until she had Madimi subdued however.

As soon as the two vampires left, Brennon sat on one of the cushions and poured himself some tea with precise movements. Zara followed soon after. They stayed quiet for a minute—just enjoying being in each other's presence.

Brennon finally met her eyes and smiled brightly. "It's good to see you again lightning bug."

"You too, B." Zara paused. "Gosh, it's been so long… I don't even know where to start."

"Then I will." Brennon took another sip of his tea before looking back up at Zara. "I want to apologize for being a coward."

"What?" Zara sputtered. That was one of the last things she expected him to say. Brennon? A coward? He was ANYTHING but that. He was a soldier. He sacrificed his soul so that she could have a better life. He was a _hero_.

"No, no let me speak." He took a breath to steady himself. "I am a coward and I want you to know why. After dad got shot on the job and we watched him fade away in that week after… I couldn't do it." Brennon's voice wavered. Zara knew that talking about their parents had always been incredibly difficult for him. They were all very close. "When we found out mom had cancer, I couldn't watch another one of my parents fade away like that. Going to Afghanistan was almost an escape for me, but I left you to care for mom all on your own. That's what I have to apologize for. I put all of that burden on your shoulders and you were barely out of _high school_. It was selfish and cowardly and… I guess making that deal was my way of saying I'm sorry. I wanted to give you a fresh start."

Zara was speechless. THAT was why he made the deal? "Oh Brennon." She moved to sit next to him and gave him another hug. "You should know that I never held that against you. I understood. You didn't have to make a demon deal just to say sorry."

Brennon gave her a little smile. "So you're saying you would have rathered me let you stay with that god awful scumbag of a husband?"

"No, you saved my life that night." Zara said seriously—remembering the bang of the gun and the shock of an impact just before she hit the snow covered ground in another dimension. "But Sean… that was on me. It wasn't your responsibility to clean up."

"I'm your big brother. I'll always get you out of your messes."

"Well, I can never thank you enough."

"I'm out of Hell… I think that's thanks enough."

"Do you… do you remember it?" Zara asked quietly.

Brennon knew what she meant. "Every damn minute of it." He whispered with a faraway look in his eyes.

Zara knew he wasn't lying. Her big brother never lied to her. The thought that he remembered every minute of the 120 odd years he spent in the Pit made Zara's heart clench. He had sacrificed so much on her account.

"Not that I'm not grateful for you getting me out of there," Brennon finally said. "But I went in content with staying as long as you were safe…" He sighed and looked down at her. "Z, I know how this world works. Please tell me you haven't made a deal."

"I…" Zara trailed off. It wasn't the same deal that Brennon had made. "Not exactly."

When she didn't answer with a firm no, Brennon immediately tensed up. He grabbed a hold of her shoulders and looked straight into her eyes with a stern expression. "Z… tell me you didn't make a deal. I could take Hell, but I couldn't bear to think that you would go there."

"I-I didn't make a _demon_ deal." Zara supplied.

Brennon made a face, but he released her. "But you made a deal with this Crone lady, right? Who is she anyway?"

"I should probably start at the beginning…"

Zara explained everything that had happened to her after she got sent to this dimension. She explained how she had teamed up with the brothers using her knowledge of the future and saved Balthazar's life. How she had some sort of extra gifts and that Balthazar was her guardian. She told him about the Leviathans and how she ended up here. She even told him about the small stretch of happiness she had with Dean before everything blew up in their faces. Finally she told him about losing her baby and only just now finding her again in this monsters' afterlife.

Brennon listened quietly with a pensive expression on his face as Zara told her tale. In that moment he reminded her so much of their father. Brennon took after their father in his steadfast, quiet demeanor. Zara was more like their mother—fiery and impulsive. They complimented each other well in that way. Zara hadn't realized how much she had missed them, all of them, until that moment. The Winchesters had become her new family, but having her brother back was such a comfort.

"… So, the Crone said she would get you out of Hell if I killed Madimi."

Brennon's eyes widened. "Zara, you didn't."

She bit her lip. "Not yet…"

"But are you…?"

Zara pointed towards the slightly ajar tent flap and then touched her ear. Brennon got her meaning immediately. There could be listening ears. Zara then shook her head slightly to tell him she was not going to kill Madimi.

"I see." Brennon fell silent again for a moment before heaving a large sigh. "Damn, Lightning bug. You're in some deep shit here."

"You've got that right."

"But we're gonna get through this." Brennon assured her with a determined glint in his eye. "You and me. We can figure this out."


	64. Chapter 64

A/N Longest chapter to date... Hope you like it. :)

Thank you to all you lovely reviewers: chinaluv, RippleInThePond, Sarah.B, EmilyAnnMcGarrett-Winchester, sunshine102897, and Anon (Guest)! Y'all are awesome!

* * *

_"I see." Brennon fell silent again for a moment before heaving a large sigh. "Damn, Lightning bug. You're in some deep shit here."  
_

_"You've got that right."_

_"But we're gonna get through this." Brennon assured her with a determined glint in his eye. "You and me. We can figure this out."_

* * *

**Chapter 64**

"We'll keep him safe. I promise. As long as you hold up your end of the deal." Benny assured Zara as he led her out of the Crone's tent. Zara nodded tersely. The last thing she had seen of Brennon was the Crone gathering his soul into a small glass jar and hiding it for safe keeping. She hated to leave Brennon, especially like that, but it was part of the deal—Brennon's soul for Madimi's. Until then, Zara could only see him when the Crone allowed.

Zara hated it. She hated everything about this stupid camp and this stupid afterlife and this stupid deal. She just hated all of it. "When can I see my brother again?"

"That's up to the Crone." Benny shrugged. "I assume it's when she thinks you've learned enough to earn it."

"And when am I supposed to start training?"

"Training starts now." The Crone exited her tent and walked past them—speaking in a gruff, impatient tone.

"What?" Zara looked between Benny and the Crone's receding form. Benny just shrugged, so Zara ran to catch up. "Really? Right now?"

"You have other plans?" The Crone snapped as they made their way to what looked like a battle training ground.

There were monsters of all shapes and sizes battling each other with various weapons and claws. Zara was surprised to see that the warriors were not holding back even in their sparring. Many fighters were sporting scratches or broken bones. One was even recently missing a limb. As they passed by, one man dressed in overalls fell to the ground—his neck broken. Seconds later, he disappeared. None of his comrades seemed concerned. Zara didn't think that she'd be able to get used to how unconcerned all of the monsters here were about death or whatever they called it down here. She knew that they didn't really die, but seeing it happen didn't make it any easier.

They passed through the training ground and stopped in a secluded section of the forest. Zara could see a few tents from where they were, but they couldn't hear any of the camp's hustle and bustle. Here, the Crone turned around and looked her up and down.

"I'm sure you've already figured out how to manipulate energy, yes?"

"Yeah." Zara shifted uneasily under the Crone's gaze. "I don't know why though. Balthazar… my guardian angel, he said it had to do with light. But he didn't know everything about it and he disappeared before we could learn more. It's not like the energy I see around me is really light."

The Crone shook her head—as if she were in awe at how little Zara understood about their power. "We get our power from the word of God 'light' but it has less to do with light in a literal sense than the energy it represents. Yes, you can manipulate light to create illusions like the one cloaking this camp, but you can also do things like power a spell, give energy to a plant, even drain a person of their life force."

"Or give it instead." Zara nodded—tracking with her. "I've done each of those things."

The Crone snorted condescendingly. "And in the process you have lost your daughter to the spell you powered and nearly died on several occasions. You don't know how to use your energy wisely or effectively—instead blasting through your problems."

"Then what am I supposed to do?" Zara asked exasperatedly. This old woman was acting like she was supposed to know all these things when she had had absolutely no access to any sort of training until now.

"What you need to work on is letting it flow. The energy you use is like the ocean—it ebbs and flows. You are merely the one that decides how much it is and where it goes. You cannot contain the entire ocean within yourself. If you are draining someone, let their energy flow into the life around them—plants, insects, other people. On the other hand when you overload someone, you take the energy from your surroundings. Also, NEVER use your own energy. You're literally draining your soul. And never hold it inside. That's how you die."

"I figured all that stuff out on my own." Zara only half listened to what the Crone was saying. She had learned all this earlier. Much less flowery and whatever with the analogy, but she had gotten this basic principals. Was the Crone going to teach her something useful?  
"And how long did it take you to gather all that energy? How long did you hold it inside before you let it explode from within you?" Zara's mind flicked back to their last stand against Dick Roman. If she had been able to knock Dick out as soon as he grabbed her and hadn't had to take time gathering and holding all that energy in, she might not have even ended up in Purgatory. "You need to be connected with everything at all times and ready to use its energy without gathering or holding it at a seconds notice. There should be no hesitation. It should be as natural and instinctive as breathing."

"And how am I supposed to learn that?"

"You know how to meditate?"

Meditate? That was her grand plan for teaching her everything she needed to know? Oh yes, Sensei, would you also like me to wax your car? Zara resisted the urge to make a face. "So you're not going to train me?

The Crone glared at her. "Not until you've learned how to properly feel the energy you need to manipulate. Meditate in the forest. Meditate in the camp. Get used to feeling all kinds of energy." With that, she turned and disappeared back into the camp—leaving Zara to figure it out on her own.

Without anything else to do, Zara sat on the ground and closed her eyes. She felt stupid. What was she even supposed to be doing? Reluctantly, Zara finally opened her eyes and started looking for the small strands of light running through the living things around her—much like she had done on her own during her crash course. Zara was surprised to find that the closer she looked, the more she saw. Everything around her was positively thrumming with life and the energy contained therein was ripe for the taking. She had to resist the urge to just suck it all in and revel in the powerful feeling that always came with it—no matter the inevitable pain, but the Crone's words brought her back. That was how she ended up almost dying time and time again.

Zara assumed that she had gotten the first part of what the Crone had been trying to tell her. Now she just had to connect with… everything. It was much more difficult than Zara had thought it would be. Keeping track of every strand of energy was difficult and tiring. Everything kept on shifting out of focus and she had to start all over again.

The day was nearly gone when Zara finally stood up and stalked back to the camp in an angry huff. She avoided the Crone's tent and went straight to where she remembered her own tent was. When she neared the circle around the fire, she noticed that there were four or five people, including Harley, sitting around it—talking jovially. Zara wasn't really in the mood to socialize, but as soon as Harley noticed her, the young kitsune emphatically waved her over to sit next to her.

"I was wondering when you were going to turn up!" Harley greeted her as if she had known Zara for years. "What did the Crone teach you? Oh, I'm sure you can't tell us, but I'm sure it was _fascinating_." Zara gave her a tight lipped smile—fascinating wouldn't have been the word she would have used.

"Let me introduce you to everyone." Harley jumped up and started pointing at the people around the campfire who presumably were her new neighbors. There was Imbrus the Lamia—who seemed to be taken straight out of a gladiator movie… complete with shield and wicked looking sword, Cook the Vampire—who looked to be somewhere in her late forties and was fiddling with something in her lap that Zara couldn't quite see, and then there was Jerry the Djinn—who did nothing but glare… sometimes at the fire, but mostly at Zara. If Zara had to guess, he was part of Castor's gang—the ones who seemed to have an instant dislike for her.

As soon as Harley finished with her introductions, she sat back down next to Zara—the scarred side of her face strategically out of view. Her chatter never stopped. "This must all feel so wild and foreign to you. I mean, I know I'm a monster, but even for me it sure took a lot of getting used to."

Zara shrugged. Minus the somewhat odd company, this little campfire seemed to be the most normal thing she had done since she got here. "Actually, this feels nice. Me and my brother used to go camping all the time."

"Oh that's nice. I had a brother once, but all he ever did was steal my candy and pull my pigtails. I hated camping as a kid though. The only redeeming quality was the smores."

Zara smiled. They definitely were a plus. "Got any smores?"

"OHH! Don't tempt me!" Harley nudged Zara with her shoulder good naturedly before falling silent for a second. "Gosh that's one of the things I miss about Earth… What about you, Cook?"

Cook didn't even look up from her work as she answered. "Chocolate."

"YES!" Harley let out a loud laugh. "I mean, if we're stuck here for eternity, at least give us some chocolate!"

"Imby?"

The gladiator glanced at his talkative neighbor with a resigned expression. It was obvious that this little group was more than used to Harley's talkative spirit. "Why is it necessary to shorten my name? It really isn't that hard."

"Because it's fun. Lighten up macho man. Now what do you miss?"

Imbus rolled his eyes—knowing that she wouldn't give up until he answered. "The ocean."

"And you, Jerry?" Harley looked over at the campfire's last occupant. Jerry didn't answer, much less acknowledge their presence. Harley didn't have the chance to pester him for an answer before someone else stepped up into the light of the fire. Zara instantly recognized the tattoo-covered Djinn as Castor.

"What are you doing here, Castor?" Harley greeted him, but her carefree attitude had disappeared. "Your circle is on the other side of camp."

"Just checking on the Slayer here." Castor motioned towards Zara with a distrustful look. "Making sure everything's… above board.

"Of course it is Castor." Harley assured him—throwing an arm around Zara's shoulders. Zara was appreciative of the protection of her newfound friend. When Castor didn't just nod and leave, Harley did what she did best—talk. "What do you miss about Earth, Castor?"

"Feeding." A wicked smile formed on the Djinn's face as he flicked another almost hungry glance at Zara. "Draining the life force out of a human and locking them inside their heads so that they didn't even put up a fuss… didn't even realize what was happening to them." With that, he spun on his heel and stalked back to his section of the camp. A second later, Jerry followed him.

"Why is Castor always…"

"An arrogant, rude, violent dick?" Harley readily supplied. "Word around camp is he was a contract killer way back in the day—a pretty good one too. They would give him a kill and then he was allowed to feed on them before ending them. But one day his employer ordered him to kill his twin brother. When he refused to do it, they killed Castor—burned him alive. Some say he's still bitter about it and likes to take it out on those he deems less than worthy." Harley didn't seem completely convinced of that story though

"And what do _you_ say?" Zara asked.

"_I_ say he's just a grade A asshole." Harley pushed her glasses back up her nose. "All of us have messy pasts. That's no reason to take the anger out on the captive audience in Purgatory."

"You sound like you're speaking from experience."

Harley looked straight at Zara—the scarred side of her face in full view for the first time all night. "I do." She answered simply—her voice wavering slightly. "My own father hunted me down because he thought I was an abomination. He tortured me before he killed me and left my daughter to fend for herself. If anyone has the right to be angry, I do." Harley turned back to the fire and sighed. "But it's not a competition, ya know?"

Zara didn't know what to say to that. What Harley had experienced was horrible and she couldn't do anything to make it better. Instead, Zara just placed a comforting arm around Harley's shoulder—attempting to protect her from the horrors in her heart as Harley had protected her from Castor. The kitsune leaned into Zara appreciatively and everything fell silent for the first time the whole night.

With the semi good mood effectively shattered, the other two people around the fire soon retired to their respective tents. Harley followed them soon after, muttering something about having the morning shift on guard duty—leaving Zara alone at the fire. She knew it probably wasn't the best idea being outside alone, but it wasn't like she was any safer inside her tent—the fire was pleasantly warm anyway.

Looking at how many tents seemed to be empty and decaying, Zara realized exactly how empty this camp seemed than it really should be. There were maybe 500 monsters living here, maybe more, maybe less. If Purgatory held all the monsters that ever died and even if she included a possible 1,000 Leviathans on the other side, where were the rest of them? How many had they lost to Madimi before they were forced to band together? These weren't rebels as Madimi had described them. They were survivors.

Zara's thoughts strayed back to the portal to Earth. She wondered why they hadn't mentioned it. It seemed like quite a compelling reason for their desire to kill Madimi. Of course they probably knew that if Zara knew where it was, she would make a break for it. They weren't stupid. And it wasn't a terrible idea. If Zara could find the portal, she had her escape plan. She wouldn't have to kill Madimi if she just took Brennon and ran… But then what would that mean for everyone in this camp? Eventually Madimi would find a way to kill them all and walk her merry way through the portal and onto Earth—which spelled doom for all.

It all came back to Zara having to kill her child and Benny and the Crone had maneuvered everything so that Zara would have no other choice. It was all part of their plan, Zara realized—not revealing the portal's location, keeping Brennon as leverage, even making her befriend Harley was all part of their plan to make sure Zara stayed exactly where they wanted her, doing what they wanted her to do. She didn't blame them. When they saw Zara as a potential end to their problem, of course they would jump at it and make sure she had no reason to leave. It was clear that they were desperate for a solution, but the manipulation was certainly evident.

Now it was just up to Zara to figure out how to outmaneuver them. Zara knew she was out of her league. Large scale manipulation wasn't her forte. Hell, she hadn't even been able to keep important secrets from the boys for more than a few days at a time. How was she supposed to keep up a charade like this for… what? Weeks? Months?

Zara sighed and tried to think like Klaus Mikaelson… The first step in manipulation is making sure the other side thinks they are winning. She guessed she had that. Benny and the Crone believed that she really was going to kill Madimi. She just had to play along and learn… Hopefully that was all she would have to do.

Of course, all that also came back to figuring out another solution with the Crone's training. The first lesson didn't look promising, but that was only the first day. Hopefully, if Zara proved to be a fast learner and the Crone a patient teacher, she wouldn't have to hold up this farce for very long at all.

* * *

Zara soon learned that the Crone wasn't a patient teacher… or really much of a teacher at all. Beyond a few annoyed explanations and confusing analogies, her only instructions were meditate and "feel the energy," whatever that meant. After a few days of frustratedly sitting around in different settings feeling stupid, Zara found that she _had_ learned something—she had no idea what she was doing. Sure she could see the energy in things—the plants, the people milling around, but she wasn't doing anything with it. How was she supposed to learn a loophole so that she didn't have to kill Madimi if she wasn't even learning how they expected Zara to kill her?

Despite her frustrations, Zara soon fell into a routine. She would wake up and go to the Crone's tent to see where she was supposed to meditate that day and then would go there and sit… for hours. At least if she was supposed to sit in the camp, she could enjoy glaring at Castor and his crew who had made it their business to make sure she never felt entirely safe. Most of the rest of the camp's residents had become used to her presence and treated her like just another survivor, but his group of "rabble rousers" as the Crone would call them didn't. When the sky finally darkened enough, Zara would pick herself up and walk back to the Crone's tent to ask if she could see Brennon again. To which the Crone would always reply with a cryptic "When it's time." Zara would then stalk dejectedly back to the circle of tents that she was living in.

Sometimes Harley would try to coax her out of the tent to sit around the campfire and talk with the others, but Zara usually wasn't in the mood to do anything but fume silently and think of alternatives to killing Madimi until she fell into a fitful sleep. Madimi hadn't come to visit her dreams again since that first night, but Zara always woke up with the feeling that someone was watching her. She didn't know if it was Madimi, Castor, or just her paranoia getting the best of her.

After a particularly boring day maybe two weeks later, Zara had finally had enough. Her patience had worn thin and despite her vow to "play the part" and go along with whatever the Crone wanted to teach her, this was just too much… or really too little. Whatever it was, Zara was sick and tired of it. She stormed off of the stump she had been sitting on in the middle of the camp and threw open the curtain to the Crone's tent. She was sitting, drinking tea as usual. The old woman seemed annoyed by the intrusion, if not surprised by it.

"I can't take it anymore." Zara fumed. "This is pointless. How am I supposed to kill Madimi like this?"

The Crone studied Zara with a keen eye for a moment before getting up and brushing past Zara and out of the tent. "Come with me."

Curious, Zara followed her out and through the camp. They winded through the haphazard clusters of tents and campfires. Those who didn't have anything better to do stared at them as the passed by. Apparently the Crone hadn't left her tent much before Zara had come to camp. They came to a stop in front of the very tree that Zara had been tied to on her very first day there.

"Watch." The Crone ordered Zara as she raised a hand and made a crushing motion. Moments later, the huge oak began to wither and die before Zara's eyes. At the same time, all the trees and plants around the oak began to grow and sprout new leaves. Within a minute the massive tree was a brittle husk and the Crone didn't even seem to have broken a sweat. She turned back to Zara. "Now what did I do?"

"You killed the tree and made the other plants grow." Zara answered readily—still in awe of the feat that she was sure she would never be able to accomplish.

"Put it back."

Zara let out a shaky breath. "What?"

"You do it." The Crone stared long and hard at her.

"I… okay." Zara stepped forward and raised her hand like the Crone had done. She started pulling the energy out of the plants and into herself. As she did so, the familiar bone deep pain began and Zara tried her best to push the energy out and into the tree as fast as she could. This went on for a few excruciating seconds before the Crone slapped her upside the head and the connection was lost.

"That is exactly what I told you not to do!" The Crone snapped at her angrily. "Take it inside and you die! For Christ's sake! For how many times you've almost died because of this, you would have thought you'd have learned by now!"

"I thought that was how you were supposed to do it!" Zara tried to defend herself.

"No." The Crone scowled. "That's what it looked like on the surface. You aren't paying attention. Look at the energy." Again, the Crone lifted an arm and motioned. This time, the new growth disappeared and the oak began to come alive again. On the surface, it looked like Zara was seeing the exact same thing in reverse, but if she looked closely at the energy involved she could see that it was merely flowing back into the tree where it belonged. The energy never even came close to the Crone. "This is why you meditate. By already being connected to everything else, you don't have to endanger yourself by taking it in first." With that, the Crone turned and started walking away.

"Let me try again." Zara tried to get her to stop.

"Go back to your tent, Akele." The Crone snapped at her tiredly. Apparently it had taken more out of her than Zara thought. "You will try tomorrow."

Zara sighed and walked away dejectedly. She didn't know what she expected. At least she had moved beyond sitting quietly staring at everything all day, but she had traded a mundane task for an impossible one. How was she supposed to control something that huge and not even be able to direct it through herself first? She couldn't think about it too much. That was a question for tomorrow.

In the mean time, she wanted to spend what was left of her day learning what she could about the portal to Earth—a task which proved to be much more difficult than she had expected. Everyone that she asked, directly or indirectly, would automatically change the subject. It was clear that an order had been sent out forbidding anyone from talking to her about it. What their punishment was for providing information must have been enough to keep them from disobeying… probably banishment, which apparently equaled death in these parts.

After a practically wasted afternoon, Zara found herself sitting in her usual spot around the fire. Without realizing it, soon all her other neighbors were also sitting in their usual spots except for Harley. The silence that fell in place of her absence was almost deafening.  
"Where's Harley?" Zara finally asked.

"She died." Imbrus answered readily as he sharpened his sword with a stone—the metallic scraping sound accompanied his gruesome news.

Zara's breath caught in her throat. The only real friend she had here was dead? "What?"

"Combat training accident." The gladiator shrugged. "She should be back tomorrow at the latest."

Zara could never get over the fact that dead didn't mean _dead_ here unless a human killed you. The whiplash of grief and realization left Zara reeling. Harley was dead and then she wasn't and this was a normal occurrence to everybody except her. So normal in fact, that is could be said as levelly and matter-of-factly as Imbrus had just done. She would be back soon, but Zara would feel better about it when she could actually see Harley face to face.

Instead of worrying about something she had no control over, Zara looked at the others around the fire. Imbrus was still cleaning his sword. Jerry had gone into his tent a few minutes earlier. And Cook was fiddling with something in her lap just like she did every evening almost religiously.

"Whatcha got there Cook?" Zara finally asked.

Instead of answering, Cook held up what looked like a large engagement ring. Unlike everything else in this world, the ring was clean and positively sparkled in the firelight. "Had my wife's ring on me when I died… was going to take it to make repairs, but I was interrupted. I'm gonna give it back to her when she gets here." Cook smiled almost wistfully at the little trinket.

"It's beautiful." Zara murmured as Cook started polishing it again. How nice it must have felt to be sure you had someone waiting for you on the other side. What about Dean? How would it be between them when she got back? They had been fighting pretty badly before she left and now Dean surely thought she was dead. Was he sad? Did he care? Was he already back to his usual routine of love 'em and leave 'em? Did he even look for her first? The thought was like a knife to Zara's heart. They had been angry at each other, but she had still loved him. She wished she had been able to say those words to him before she had left. Or maybe it would be easier for him to move on that way. Zara couldn't decide if it would hurt more to find that he had waited for her or to find that he had moved on.

Despite it feeling like she had only been there for a few weeks, Zara knew that time in the afterlife was screwy and on Earth she could have already been gone for five years for all she knew. It really was too much to expect Dean to not move on. He wasn't that kind of guy and Zara didn't expect him to change just because of her. That didn't mean it didn't hurt, but Zara knew that any other expectation would be unrealistic. The boys needed to move on for their own sakes. Zara decided that whatever Dean was doing, she just hoped he was safe. And she hoped that she would at least have some sort of home to come back to when she returned… if she returned.

With tears in her eyes, Zara whispered the words that had served as an "I love you" between them. "I miss you. Stay safe, Dean." It sounded more like a goodbye than anything else. Before the others could see her tears, Zara rushed to her tent and tried to go straight to sleep to escape the crushing feeling of loss and loneliness… except she couldn't fall asleep. No matter how hard she tried, the welcomed oblivion never came and she was stuck staring at the dying flames she could see through the gaps in her tent.

Several hours after everyone had gone to sleep, Zara gave up and left her tent. Maybe a walk would help her clear her head. As she padded through the sleeping camp she didn't notice a shadow following her, tracking her progress. Without realizing it, Zara walked far past the sprawl of tents and into the forest proper—just outside of the Crone's cloaking and protection.

When she realized where she was, Zara didn't immediately go back. In fact, being away from the Crone's watchful eye and some of the camp's less than hospitable tenants felt freeing to Zara. She didn't feel threatened by what lay in the dark anymore. Whatever was out there couldn't kill her other than Madimi and she wanted to speak to her anyway.

As if summoned by Zara's thoughts, she heard the distinct giggle that she knew only belonged to her child echoing through the forest. She was nearby. Zara eagerly followed the sound. Every so often she would hear another giggle and once or twice she even caught a glimpse of Madimi's white nightgown weaving around tree after tree—always _just_ out of view. After about ten minutes of playing this cat and mouse game, the forest fell silent again. There was no sign of Madimi anywhere.

Frustrated, Zara kicked a nearby tree with her foot. "Madimi?" She called out—trying to get the elusive child to appear. "Madimi?" A twig snapped behind her and Zara turned to see who it was. "Ma- Castor?!"

The Djinn stepped forward with a wicked glint in his eye. He had been following her the entire time… and now he just heard her calling out to Madimi. If he needed anything else to confirm his suspicions that she wasn't entirely on the camp's side, this was it.

"Who were you looking for, hmm?" He took a threatening step forward.

Zara took an equally fearful step backwards. "I… no one."

"No one? It certainly seemed like someone. In fact, it sounded like you were looking for the very person you are supposed to kill. Now why might that be?"

"I… wanted to kill her?" Zara said unconvincingly.

"And I like to bake gingerbread cookies." The Djinn spat at her before lunging and taking a hold of one of her arms in a vice-like grip before Zara could react. Struggle was pointless. "Wait till Benny hears about this."

"You're not going to kill me?" Zara asked shakily.

"And waste a chance to prove Benny wrong? No." Castor began dragging Zara unceremoniously back to the camp. She didn't struggle. Instead she tried to figure out how she would defend herself once Castor got to Benny. It was her word against Castor's. As long as she could sound more convincing than him, she would be okay… she hoped.

Instead of taking Zara straight to the Crone's tent like she had expected, as soon as they crossed the barrier back into the camp, Castor started yelling at the top of his lungs. "GATHER ROUND! START A FIRE! WE'VE GOT A TRAITOR TO BURN!"

One of the people in the closest tents tumbled out of their tent and looked blearily at Castor. "What's going on now?" They muttered.

"Call a camp meeting. We have some things we need to discuss." Castor growled at them. When they didn't immediately do what he asked, he kicked them and yelled. "NOW!" They scrambled off and started calling out to others. Before Zara knew it, there was a crowd gathered around them murmuring curiously. Thy sky was just showing the first signs of dawn.

"WHAT'S GOING ON NOW CASTOR?" Benny bellowed as he pushed his way to the front of the crowd. He looked none too happy to have been woken up.

Castor gave Benny a smug look and shoved Zara forward roughly. She fell to the ground. "I found this little spy outside camp calling for the Terror." A hush fell over the crowd at this revelation. Zara's mind was racing to find a way to get out of this. Castor was telling the truth. Zara was going to have to make her lie more convincing. Benny didn't seem to believe Castor which would work in her favor. Hopefully she could use Castor's inflammatory nature to her advantage.

Benny offered Zara a hand up and she brushed herself off. "And your side of the story, Akele?"

Zara lifted her chin bravely. What she was about to do something awful… but in her mind she didn't have another choice. "I was sleeping in my tent when Castor woke me up with a knife to my throat." She added in a little chin quiver for good measure. "He told me that he thought I was a spy and would make the rest of the camp believe it too. He forced me to walk out of camp and then he brought me back yelling these terrible lies. He threatened to torture me if I didn't do what he said." Castor's eyes widened and he suddenly seemed afraid at how this situation had been completely turned on him.

"It's true! I saw him following her out of camp!" One voice shouted.

"It's his word against hers!"

"Would Castor lie to us?"

"Castor would do _anything_ to cause trouble."

"How can we trust her? We hardly know her!"

"He's threatening our only chance to kill the Terror!"

"I don't believe either of them!"

Benny sighed. "Is there anything else?"

Zara knew she would need a little more if she was going to have the camp on her side. She stepped forward and addressed the crowd in a loud, confident voice. "I know I haven't been here for long. You don't know me and have no reason to trust me, but I offer a chance to end your oppression. What has Castor offered you? Dissention and division. Now I don't know about you, but when I'm fighting a force that is more powerful than me, I'd side with the one who is going to help you win, not the one who is trying to weaken you through civil war. Believe me, or don't believe me. I don't care. But all of you know that I'm your only chance at ending this. Are you going to let Castor and his lies kill your chances of survival or are you going to believe me and stand by my side as I defeat the Terror?"

A cheer erupted from the crowd. Zara could hear many stamping their feet and banging their weapons. A few broke out in chants of "Akele! Akele! Akele!" It seemed that Castor didn't have many friends beyond his little group of rabble rousers and they were just looking for a good enough reason to get rid of him.

Benny clapped her on the back and spoke to her through the din. "I'm impressed. It's one thing to make—"

"You BITCH!" Castor growled and that was the only warning Zara got before he launched himself at Zara—cutting the cheering short. He knocked into her with such force that they both fell to the ground and Zara felt all of the air get knocked out of her. In a flash, he had his knife out and poised to strike. As his arm descended, Benny lunged to push him away, but the knife still bit into Zara's right shoulder—making her cry out in pain. With the help of two other large looking men, Benny was able to subdue Castor and Cook detached herself from the crowd to tend to Zara who, while she was doing her best to contain the pain, had gone white as a sheet. Cook pressed a wad of cloth to her wound, but didn't take the knife out just yet.

"We should get you to the Crone." Cook said gently before motioning Imbrus over to help her carry Zara.

The crowd took this sudden turn of events as it did any other—with raucous yelling.

"He attacked her!"

"She's our only hope!

"Is he trying to doom us all?"

Then came the question that Zara was dreading. "What should we _do_ with him?"

Even through the pain, Zara realized that if she asked them to, this crowd would _kill_ for her. In fact, they were begging her to say it. And what else could she say? If she let Castor live, he could very well convince others of the truth. If she was going to succeed, then he most certainly would have to die.

"Banish him." Zara answered shakily. Even from where she was being carried away, she could see Castor blanch. The crowd cheered and took a hold of Castor—the supposed traitor who was really only acting on some very well placed suspicions. He had only told the truth and he was going to be killed for it. Right before she lost sight of Castor in the crowd, she felt his eyes boring accusingly into hers. They both knew that he was dying for a lie. Zara was sure she was going to go to Hell for this.


	65. Chapter 65

A/N Hey! How are y'all? I hope you're doing well! I believe that the next chapter or the next will be the last chapter in Purgatory, so we will be back with the boys very soon. I promise. :)

Thank you to all you lovely reviewers: chinaluv, Sarah.B, mamasam, and Guest!

* * *

_"Banish him." Zara answered shakily. Even from where she was being carried away, she could see Castor blanch. The crowd cheered and took a hold of Castor—the supposed traitor who was really only acting on some very well placed suspicions. He had only told the truth and he was going to be killed for it. Right before she lost sight of Castor in the crowd, she felt his eyes boring accusingly into hers. They both knew that he was dying for a lie. Zara was sure she was going to go to Hell for this._

* * *

**Chapter 65**

"Set her on these cushions." The Crone directed Imbrus when they got to her tent. As soon as Zara was laying on the cushions, the Crone took a hold of the knife that was still lodged in her right shoulder. Zara gasped in pain. "It's not a serious wound, but this is going to hurt." Without any more warning, the Crone ripped the knife out and tossed it to the ground. Zara barely held in a scream of pain. Blood started gushing from the wound since the knife wasn't holding it in, but the Crone didn't do anything to stop it. Instead, she started muttering quietly.

In an instant, Zara felt a familiar energy flow into her and begin healing the damage done to her shoulder. It was an odd experience since she had never been on the receiving end of the power she harnessed. It itched and burned as if thousands of fire ants were biting her, but after a few minutes, the feeling faded away along with the pain. Curiously, Zara sat up and looked at where Castor's knife had been mere minutes before. It was smooth and unblemished as if nothing had happened at all.

"Thank you." Zara whispered.

"It's not like you could have done it yourself." The Crone shrugged.

"How-"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Zara was interrupted by what sounded like someone screaming in agony outside.

"What's that?" Zara asked quietly.

"Your work." The Crone said with a twisted smile. She seemed almost pleased.

"My work?"

"You ordered Castor banished. All those who are banished are burned first."

Zara was suddenly gripped with a morbid need to watch the proceedings. It wasn't that she would take joy in Castor's suffering, but she was responsible. If she did the sentencing, she should have the guts to watch it carried out. Zara left the Crone's tent and made her way back to the familiar tree that served as gathering place and executioner's block. A large crowd was gathered around—jeering at the Djinn who had been tied to a pyre in the middle of a bonfire. The flames had just reached his feet.

As soon as the crowd noticed that Zara was fine, they let out a cheer and made a place for her at the front of the crowd. The crowd around her let their bloodlust be known in their usual raucous fashion, but Zara just watched on in silent observance. Through it all, Castor kept a steady, accusing stare on Zara. It was only then that Zara remembered that Castor's first death was by fire to save his brother—a noble, if not excruciating death. Zara tried to rationalize it by saying that he was dying for her child and was yet again dying a noble death, but she couldn't. He was dying for a person that, by all accounts, was an absolute monster and by sentencing him to die like this, Zara was becoming a monster herself.

All of this passed silently between them as he stood up there screaming and writhing on that pyre. _You're a monster—a selfish, lying, conniving, little monster._ It kept running through her head as she stood there amongst the cheering crowd. Zara agreed with every single word and what should have scared her was the fact that she didn't even care. In her mind, this was the only way she was going to get through this alive.

Castor finally disappeared—to reappear somewhere else in the forest and, without the protection of the Crone, be hunted down by Madimi. But Zara didn't leave until the fire died down to embers and the sky darkened back to night.

* * *

"You seem… off. What's going on Zara?" Brennon finally asked her when she had stayed uncharacteristically silent for the past five minutes. The Crone had been in a good mood after Castor died and let Zara have some time with Brennon. Unfortunately, Castor's death had had the exact opposite effect on Zara.

"I… it's nothing." Zara insisted.

"No." Brennon wasn't having it. "You forget that I almost know you better than I know myself, Z. I know when you're lying and I know when you're preoccupied. Tell me what's going on."

Zara sighed. "Have you ever done something so terrible, so awful that you felt like a monster?"

Brennon's eyebrows shot up at her question. He knew that whatever she did would have to have been big if she was feeling like that. "Yeah. I have. Why?"

"And after you did it, did you feel… empty? Like you didn't even care?" Zara bit her lip. Saying it out loud was even worse, but it was the truth. She _didn't_ care. Ordering Castor's death should have made her feel bad or guilty, but she just felt numb. Was Purgatory having an affect on her? Or was it just bringing out the monster that had always been inside of her? This had gone beyond just her trying to get herself and her family out of Purgatory alive. Zara couldn't tell what it was other than what felt like feeding a monster.

"No." Brennon shifted uncomfortably and gave her a pensive look. "I haven't NOT felt bad about the terrible things I've done. Z, what's going on? You're worrying me."

"I'm worrying myself." Zara mumbled.

"Tell me more about what you did, Z." Brennon urged her. "Maybe it wasn't that bad."

"No. I don't want you to think less of me."

"I would never do that Lightning Bug." Brennon put a hand on Zara's shoulder, but she still wasn't going to tell him what she did. He sighed. "Well at least let me tell you that a person asking those kinds of questions doesn't actually feel _nothing_. You may say you don't care, but you wouldn't be asking me if you didn't."

Zara gave him a tight lipped smile. "I sure hope so."

"I _know_ so." Brennon smiled brightly in an effort to cheer her up. "Come on. _My_ Z? A monster? No way. I would trust you with my life."

"Let's just hope-" Zara was interrupted by a commotion outside. A second later, Benny was carrying a limp figure into the Crone's tent and laying her on the cushions across from them. The Crone followed behind him.

"Out of the way! The Crone needs space!" Benny shouted as Zara and Brennon retreated to the outer wall of the tent. It was then that Zara recognized who the bloodied and mangled figure on the cushions was. It was Harley. Her head lolled to the side and Zara could see the white scars on that side of her face standing out against the bright red blood running down from a slash on her face. Her wide rimmed glasses were long gone.

"Harley!" Zara gasped. "What happened to her?"

"Died in a training accident the other day, remember?" Benny reminded Zara with a grim expression. "She was supposed to be back this morning and she was late. The best we know is the Levi's got to her before she made it back to camp."

"Or Madimi did." The Crone added as she pulled the energy needed to heal Harley.

Zara looked over Harley's mangled form even as the Crone's power healed her. She had suffered several broken bones as well as more than a few nasty gashes and what looked to be calculated lacerations all across her body. This was no arbitrary attack. This was torture. These were the marks of a maniac. "How did she get all the way here? It looks like she couldn't have even crawled much less traipse across the forest all the way here."

"It's a message." Brennon said finally. "Madimi and her ilk don't just leave anything behind like this, right? It's a message—things are about to change."

"What? You think they did this to her and then left her at our doorstep like a twisted greeting card?" Benny blew out a low whistle. "That's not just sick and twisted…" Benny turned towards Zara. "I know you have this odd motherly instinct towards the Terror, but you have to see. She's a _MONSTER_."

"Monster." Harley mumbled—now healed enough to start coming to. "She's a monster. Monster. She's a monster…"

"Harley?" Zara asked tentatively.

The petite, blond kitsune shot up—her eyes wide and wild. She was shaking slightly and she didn't stop her mantra. "Monster. She's a monster…"

The Crone lowered her hands. Harley was healed physically… if not mentally. "Harley Josephine." The Crone said in a stern voice. "What happened?"

Harley turned to face the Crone and finally said something different in an odd, whispery tone. "**They're coming. They're right outside.** Monster. She's a monster…"

"What does that mean?" Zara asked in a quiet voice.

The Crone touched two fingers to Harley's forehead and she automatically lay back on the cushions—asleep. "I think we got the message Madimi was trying to send. The Leviathans are here. The time for hiding is over. It's time for war."

* * *

"What would you do if you got free?" Balthazar picked absently at a loose stone in the floor of his cell. They'd been asking each other these questions for what seemed like ages just to pass the time. Balthazar had given up on his escape plan for the time being considering how badly his last attempt went. What was the point anyway? It wasn't like Zara needed him. She was dead. The only other person he really cared about was sitting on the other side of this wall. Still, he couldn't help asking Gadreel that question.

"I'd travel the world." He answered readily. "See everything—the good and the bad that humanity has done with the freedom I paid for with my own. What would you do?"

"I'd find my charge's family and ask them how she died."

"And then?"

"And then?" Balthazar paused. He didn't have anything else he really wanted to do other than that. Why not stay with the only other friend he had? "Then a tour of the world seems like a fine idea. You'll need a guide who knows the best spots after all."

"You must show me the works of this Michelangelo that you continually talk about." Gadreel agreed.

"Too bad we'll never get out of these-" Balthazar stifled a cough. "… cells." Another coughing fit caught him and when he finished, he had to wipe off a small spatter of blood on his hand.

Immediately, Gadreel's hand reached into Balthazar's cell. He gratefully took it and felt Gadreel's grace healing him. There was a tense silence on the other side of the wall. There was no hiding his worsening condition. Without his wings and his grace so terribly damaged, he was dying a very slow and painful death. His remaining grace was burning itself out. If he was lucky and had ample access to a full angel to heal him every so often, he could last a year, maybe two. That was only if he was lucky.

"It's getting worse." The sadness and worry in the older guardian's voice was evident.

Balthazar ignored Gadreel's comment. "What did the forbidden fruit look like?"

"Balthazar, stop." Gadreel pleaded with him to stop ignoring the problem in front of them, but he wouldn't listen.

"Everyone downstairs always automatically thinks apple, but I was thinking more of a dragon fruit shape. Something exotic-"

"Balthazar-"

"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!" Balthazar snapped irritably. "Please." He said in a quieter tone. He didn't want to admit that his impending death absolutely terrified him, but it did and Gadreel knew it too.

"Okay." Gadreel answered. It was all he could say. There was no way he knew to comfort Balthazar. All he could really do was heal him periodically and keep him company as he watched his friend die. "… It's more of a cross between an apple and a pear… a quince I think some call it…"

* * *

"Harley was right." Benny said as he made his way back into the Crone's tent. "I sent scouts to check it all out. There's Levis surrounding the entire perimeter of the camp."

"Why don't we just stay in here?" Zara reasoned. "They can't get to us with your protection right?"

The Crone shook her head. "She's strong—stronger than me because she has figured out how to use the souls she drains as an extra energy source. We have only lasted this long because she hasn't attacked us directly."

Brennon started pacing—the situation they were in making him switch into battle mode. "So we're just waiting for her to attack us?"

"No. We're going to stand up and fight." The Crone announced with finality.

Benny nodded—fully on board with her plan. "After Castor's death the camp is more unified than ever. Now's the best time as any."

Zara had stayed silent until now, but this was getting out of hand. "But I haven't trained." She protested. "I haven't learned how to kill Madimi. We'll be massacred."

"You're right." The Crone sighed. "I didn't get the chance to train you as I liked, but you did learn the concept. Apply what I taught you with the tree and you should be fine." When Zara started to protest, the Crone picked up something else and pressed it into her hands. "If all else fails, use this."

Zara looked down at the item in her hands. It was Castor's knife. The blade that mere hours before had been lodged in her own shoulder would now be her only protection against Madimi. She didn't even _want_ to kill her! How was she supposed to find an acceptable alternative when she couldn't use her power and all she had was an instrument of death? "No." Zara shook her head. "I can't do this."

"Need I remind you what's at stake here?" Benny argued. "If you don't kill the Terror, she kills us all and then she hops over to Earth and kills everyone there too. Think of all the terrible things she had already done—ally herself with the Leviathans, torture you, the Crone, and countless others, kill even more than that…" Benny pointed towards Harley who was still sleeping in a corner of the tent on some pillows. "What about what she did to Harley? The Terror is a _monster_. Killing her would be the greater good."

Zara shot a glance at Brennon for what his opinion on the matter was. Surely he wouldn't agree with Benny and the Crone. His face didn't betray his feelings either way, but he stepped forward and placed a hand on Zara's shoulder protectively. "We'll find a way." He said in a strong voice. Zara wondered if he was saying that to reassure her or them.

"Great, so what's the plan?" Benny turned to the Crone—who would best know Madimi's strategies and tendencies.

"We get everyone ready tonight and drop the protection at dawn."

"And what? We charge out like the last Ride of the Rohan with me in the lead?" Zara scoffed. "That sounds like a recipe for disaster. Madimi will just knock everyone out at once."

The Crone shook her head. "The Terror will not be at that fight. I know how she thinks. Open war isn't her style. She's subversive. She'll wait until we've all cleared out and then will make her move towards the portal."

"How do you know that?"

"The Terror knows that her options here are limited. Getting to Earth where her Leviathan army can kill is a great advantage for her. Distracting us by the bigger fight so that she can escape is exactly the way I taught her to fight."

"And she's just going to do exactly what you taught her?"

"If she believes that she has succeeded at distracting us, I have no doubt that's what she will do."

"How do we convince her of that?"

The Crone cast a look at Zara. "You will lead the army into battle."

Zara squinted. "But Madimi will be at the portal, which is where I should be also. Am I supposed to be in two places at once?"

"Yes." The Crone said simply before her form rippled and changed into an exact replica of Zara. Zara's own voice eerily came out of the disguised Crone's. "You will be at the portal. And just as Madimi will have done, there will be a disguised decoy leading the army—me."

The little group sat there in silence. It was a good plan if not a great one and it was all they had. Madimi had backed them into a corner and the only way out was to fight her on her own level. Hopefully it would work.

"Well…" Benny sighed. "I'll rally the troops. We fight at dawn."


	66. Chapter 66

A/N Random, but I saw Jurassic World last weekend and I LOVED it! Did y'all see it? What did you think? :) Anyway, here is the culmination of the Purgatory side plot. To those of you who didn't like it, we're getting back to the boys next week! To those of you who did, thanks! I had a lot of fun with more freedom plot wise and I liked being able to explore some more original character stuff. All in all, this whole fic has been a learning experience for me and I've enjoyed every bit of it. I hope y'all did too! (Don't worry. It's not over.)

Thank you to all who reviewed last week: chinaluv, Sarah.B, and Sunshine102897!

* * *

_Zara squinted. "But Madimi will be at the portal, which is where I should be also. Am I supposed to be in two places at once?"_

_"Yes." The Crone said simply before her form rippled and changed into an exact replica of Zara. "You will be at the portal. And just as Madimi will have done, there will be a disguised decoy leading the army—me."_

_The little group sat there in silence. It was a good plan if not a great one and it was all they had. Madimi had backed them into a corner and the only way out was to fight her on her own level. Hopefully it would work._

_"Well…" Benny sighed. "I'll rally the troops. We fight at dawn."_

* * *

**Chapter 66**

"What would you do if you got free?" Balthazar picked absently at a loose stone in the floor of his cell. They'd been asking each other these questions for what seemed like ages just to pass the time. Balthazar had given up on his escape plan for the time being considering how badly his last attempt went. What was the point anyway? It wasn't like Zara needed him. She was dead. The only other person he really cared about was sitting on the other side of this wall. Still, he couldn't help asking Gadreel that question.

"I'd travel the world." He answered readily. "See everything—the good and the bad that humanity has done with the freedom I paid for with my own. What would you do?"

"I'd find my charge's family and ask them how she died."

"And then?"

"And then?" Balthazar paused. He didn't have anything else he really wanted to do other than that. Why not stay with the only other friend he had? "Then a tour of the world seems like a fine idea. You'll need a guide who knows the best spots after all."

"You must show me the works of Michelangelo that you continually talk about." Gadreel agreed.

"Too bad we'll never get out of these-" Balthazar stifled a cough. "… cells." Another coughing fit caught him and when he finished, he had to wipe off a small spatter of blood on his hand.

Immediately, Gadreel's hand reached into Balthazar's cell. He gratefully took it and felt Gadreel's grace healing him. There was a tense silence on the other side of the wall. There was no hiding his worsening condition. Without his wings and his grace so terribly damaged, he was dying a very slow and painful death. His remaining grace was burning itself out. If he was lucky and had ample access to a full angel to heal him every so often, he could last a year, maybe two. That was only if he was lucky.

"It is getting worse." The sadness and worry in the older guardian's voice was evident.

Balthazar ignored Gadreel's comment. "What did the forbidden fruit look like?"

"Balthazar, stop." Gadreel pleaded with him to stop ignoring the problem in front of them, but he wouldn't listen.

"Everyone downstairs always automatically thinks apple, but I was thinking more of a dragon fruit shape. Something exotic-"

"Balthazar-"

"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!" Balthazar snapped irritably. "Please." He said in a quieter tone. He didn't want to admit that his impending death absolutely terrified him, but it did and Gadreel knew it too.

"Okay." Gadreel answered. It was all he could say. There was no way he knew to comfort Balthazar. All he could really do was heal him periodically and keep him company. "… It's more of a cross between an apple and a pear… a quince I think some call it…"

* * *

"Madimi and her army are right beyond those trees—ready to eat us alive." Zara's voice rung out through the trees and over the army of monsters gathered in front of her—all dressed in make shift battle armor. "But what they don't know is that they are going to be doing something very different today. We will not lie down and take our fates like cowardly dogs. No! Today is the day that we fight back. With me and my power to kill on our side, I am certain that we will not only win, but we will kill every last one of those bastards! Today is the day that we take back our land from the Terror that has infested it. Today is the day that we stand up and protect those who are in the world beyond. Today, we fight for freedom!" A cheer rose up from the crowd.

It was eerie hearing her own voice rally the troops just outside the tent. Zara knew that it was really the Crone pretending to be her, but for a minute she felt that it really was her that all those people were following. In truth, it was her likeness that they had faith in. They believed that she could kill the Terror and take them to victory and so, while it wasn't her out there, it was her in their minds.

Soon, they could hear the troops retreat to the edges of the camp where they were to fight against the army of Leviathans. Zara turned to Brennon, who was allowed to be her guard, with an apprehensive grimace. It was time. They had been told about the location of the portal, which was much closer than Zara had realized, and were supposed to position themselves there for when Madimi made her appearance.

"Are you ready?" Zara finally asked.

Brennon nodded stoically. "As ready as I'll ever be. Let's go."

* * *

It was chaos. Bodies were falling left and right. Claws and teeth and weapons flashed in the morning light and the raging sounds of war washed around Zara… or at least what looked like Zara. She had yet to see Madimi's decoy in the fray, but she was sure she was here and in the meantime the Crone was doing her part to thin out the growling masses. She only hoped that Madimi's decoy wouldn't notice that the monsters disappeared instead of stayed dead like they were supposed to. They only had to distract each other long enough for Zara, the real one, to finish the job. Almost certainly when the Leviathans realized their leader was dead, they would retreat to their dank caves and leave the rest of the Purgatory natives in relative peace.

The Crone caught sight of a small, lithe figure weaving her way through the fray. Madimi. In all her years, the Crone had never seen someone so naturally talented in her power… or so ruthless. It was an intimidating combination to say the least. The Crone didn't envy the real Zara's place in all of this, but she also hoped that Zara had the guts to follow through.

In moments, the Terror was standing right in front of the Crone/fake Zara—one impostor before another. So far she hadn't used her power against her. The Crone hoped it was because, as a fake, she had no power to use and wanted to refrain from blowing her cover.

"Mother." The fake Terror greeted her snidely.

* * *

They could hear the monsters fighting even from where they hid next to the large, swirling portal to Earth. The clash of weapon against weapon and the cries of the wounded shook Zara to her very core and made Brennon jumpy.

"We could leave now." Zara blurted out. "We don't have to stay. We could just jump through the portal now and they wouldn't even know."

Brennon shot her a dirty look. "And seal the fate of everyone down here? Risk her getting set free on Earth? Come on, Zara. You know I would never do anything so cowardly and I know you wouldn't either."

"But I still don't know how to _not_ kill her!" Zara said desperately. It was true. She hadn't learned enough to really kill her much less how to save her.

"Well either way, she _can't_ get through the portal." Brennon reasoned. "I know you don't want to kill her and, believe me, I don't want you to kill her either. But one way or another, she has to be stopped."

Zara's brain jumped into overdrive. It was now or never. "I could try to negotiate with her… or maybe if that doesn't work I could try to drain her energy… but not all the way… But I've never done it successfully before. I could very well kill both her and me in the process!"

A stick broke underfoot nearby—making Zara jump. Madimi was here. Seconds later, the small, nightgown-clad child started making her way towards the portal and where Zara and Brennon were hiding.

"Well…" Brennon whispered. "We don't have any more time left. Whatever you decide and whatever happens, know that I'll always stand by you Lightning Bug. Always and forever."

* * *

"I couldn't kill them all when they were inside the Crone's protection." The decoy had a penchant for talking, if not anything else as the battle raged around them. The Crone would have liked to kill them on the spot, but any time she could buy keeping up the ruse, she would. "I needed you to stir them up—make them willing and cocky enough to leave her protection and finally fight against me… stop protecting the portal. Also… I'm not here—not really. I'm leaving through the portal now.

The Crone smirked. "I wouldn't be so sure of that."

* * *

"Madimi." Zara stepped out from the tree she had been hiding behind. Brennon stepped out to stand a few steps behind her.

The child paused for a second before turning around to face them. "Mother." Madimi greeted her in a sickly, sweet tone. "It certainly wouldn't be a homecoming without a family reunion. Of course, you can't come with me." She raised a hand threateningly.

Zara braced herself to be hit with whatever Madimi was about to throw at her, but it didn't come. Zara took it as a chance to reason with her. "Stop. Don't do this. You can stop all this and come home. We can be a family. We can have a second chance."

"With you?" Madimi scoffed. "After all I've done? You wouldn't be able to look past all that."

"But I already have." Zara pleaded. "Don't you see? I get it. Underneath all that anger and malice that Purgatory has you into, you're still a little kid. You're alone and afraid and I know that's my fault, but I'm trying to fix it."

Madimi's stare hardened into an icy rage. "You're right." She said lowly as she took a threatening step forward and started clenching her raised hand. "It _is_ your fault. And you _will_ be punished."

"Alicia, please." Zara used her last ace in a desperate attempt to appeal to her humanity. "You don't have to do this."

"But I already have." Madimi gave her a condescending smirk as if she had already won. In that same moment, she flicked her wrist and Zara heard Brennon fall to the ground behind her with a dull thud.

_Brennon_. Zara realized only then that Madimi had never been trying to drain _her_. With a small cry, Zara sunk down next to Brennon's body—his eyes already staring lifelessly up at the grey sky. Madimi had drained the life right out of him and Zara hadn't even realized he would be in danger. She had thought Madimi's quarrel was with her, but apparently any way to "punish" Zara was fair game… including Brennon.

Her hands fluttered uselessly over his body—searching for a way to heal him, but there wasn't. Dismayed, Zara realized that not only did she not know how to kill with her power, she didn't know how to save either. He was gone and she couldn't do anything about it. When she realized that, she collapsed onto his still chest and heaved a large sob, and then another, and another. _I'll always stand by you, Lightning Bug. Always and forever._ If only he knew how short always and forever could really be.

He didn't disappear. Zara never thought that she would wish for the very thing that made this world so odd to her, but disappearing meant coming back. Why couldn't he just come back this one last time? But he wouldn't. Zara knew that this was the end of the line for him. It hurt worse the second time around. He had had a second chance at life and Madimi ripped that from him… from both of them, Zara thought bitterly. They were right, Zara realized. Every single person in this damn camp was right. Madimi was a _monster_.

An intense rage filled Zara. The little voice telling her not to kill Madimi was silenced in the flood of red hot anger. Everything Zara had worked for to figure out another way was discarded in that moment. Blood pounded in Zara's ears and with each beat all she could hear was, Brennon is dead. Brennon is dead. Brennon is dead. Brennon was dead and it was this being's fault. She couldn't form a coherent thought past that one fact. It was as if the monster that had been laying dormant since Castor finally reared its ugly head and completely took over and Zara was just watching from the sidelines.

"I told you." Madimi leaned over Zara and placed a hand on her shoulder in a mock gesture of sympathy—unaware that Zara's heavy breathing was anger instead of sorrow. "Sentiment will be your downfall." Her voice was sickeningly sweet as she enjoyed Zara's pain before taking her life as well. Madimi was _enjoying_ this. That only served to fuel Zara's growing insanity.

Zara's eyes flashed up at Madimi as an unseen hand gripped Castor's knife in her boot. "And I said you didn't know me." Madimi took a small step back at the venom in Zara's tone. But it was already too late. In a flash, Zara leaped and plunged the knife up into Madimi's chest.

As soon as Madimi fell to the ground, Zara registered exactly what she had just done. Zara picked the small, dying child up into her arms carefully—tears streaming down her face at all that she had just lost. She had failed. She had killed her own child. She had let that monster that lived inside her take everything away just like that. The Crone was right humans really were the worst monsters of all. Or maybe it wasn't humanity. Maybe it was just Zara.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry…" Zara kept repeating herself over and over again.

"You were right." Madimi managed feebly. "About all of it."

"What?" Zara clutched Madimi a little tighter—as if that would keep her there. "About what?"

"I'm a monster. I do terrible things." Madimi coughed roughly. A small trail of blood made its way down her chin. "I wanted to hurt you, but I never _really_ wanted to kill you." *cough* *cough* "I didn't want…" *cough* "-to be alone." Her final words said, Madimi fell silent and her eyes rolled up to stare endlessly up at the grey sky.

Zara didn't let her go even after her body went cold and the sounds of battle behind her receded into silence. The grief of losing the two people she had wanted to save was so much that she just felt numb. She had failed. All her planning and posturing had done nothing. Zara had failed and in the process she had sunk even lower than where she had started.

Harley's half-crazed mantra kept circling in Zara's head. _Monster. She's a monster. Monster. She's a monster. Monster. She's a monster._ But Harley had gotten it wrong. Madimi had just been a kid. Zara was the real monster here. Killing Castor was the turning point for her and she hadn't even realized it. Killing him awakened a darkness within her that she didn't even know was growing until she saw that knife lodged in her own child's heart. It marked the place where Zara gave up her humanity and became worse than the monsters she was among. Honestly, the monsters here were more _human_. They had community, culture, a common enemy. What did Zara have? –Explosive anger and a manipulative spirit. _That_ was a real monster.

A strong, weathered hand landed on Zara's shoulders gently. "You did it." The Crone whispered. "You won."

Zara looked up at her blankly. She had won? This didn't feel like winning. Benny took Madimi's body out of Zara's arms and another warrior picked Brennon up. The Crone guided Zara up and they all made their way back to the camp. As they walked through the camp, people all around Zara cheered and banged their weapons at her in celebration, but Zara heard it as if she was hearing it while under water. They were all celebrating, but she was grieving. Every last piece of her family was dead.

* * *

Brennon was buried under the large tree with honor. Madimi was burned on the traitor's pyre with among jeers and cheering. Zara witnessed both funerals with a mute, distant air as revelers swirled around her and congratulated each other on their great victory. Somewhere in it all Harley came by, fully healed, and wrapped a blanket around her. She might have even given Zara some condolences, but Zara didn't hear them.

Her talkative friend—tortured and nearly killed. Her brother—dead without so much as a goodbye. Countless others dead in the process. Zara very well could try and convince herself that she did the right thing by killing Madimi, but she couldn't. She couldn't stop hearing her afraid little girl saying, "I didn't want to be alone" over and over in her head. Was it her being manipulative even in her final moments? She had promised that she would always manipulate Zara… but then again she also promised she would never lie to her. So which one was it?

After the funeral fire died down and Zara realized that she could literally stand there forever and, if she did, she would most certainly go insane, she turned and silently started making her way back to the portal. There was no reason for her to stay any longer and she really didn't want to stay in the place that had turned her into a monster and where her family had died. Honestly if she stayed here any longer, she would suffocate in the silent numbness that she felt here.

"Zara! Wait!" Benny called after her. Zara paused only long enough for him to catch up before she continued on her walk. "Leaving so soon?"

"Yes." Zara said dully.

"The Crone guessed as much." He nodded as he handed Zara what looked like a tattered, old notebook. "She wanted me to give you this since you never completed your training. It's her old journal. It should have anything you would need to learn about your power."

"Thanks."

Benny scratched the back of his neck absently as they walked. "I know you have every reason to hate us—all of us. I know that killing the Terror was the last thing you wanted to do and we forced you into it."

"No." Zara realized this response would have to dignify more than a one word response. "Killing her, that was all on me. In the end, you weren't the one forcing me into it."

"Zara!" Harley called after them. "I saw you leaving! You weren't going to leave without saying goodbye to me right?"

"No." Zara tried to muster a smile. She was sure it only came out as a grimace. "Goodbye, Harley. It's been great getting to know you and if I ever see Mandy, I'll tell her you miss her dearly."

Harley broke out into a large grin. "Thank you! But I guess if you don't see her it means she's staying under the radar so… either way." The three of them continued walking until they were all standing in front of the portal. Zara tried her best to not glance at the spots where Brennon and Madimi had taken their last breaths not 24 hours ago. "I guess this is where you leave us." Harley broke the silence and then pulled Zara into a big hug. "We're gonna miss you. And, hey." Harley waited until Zara looked straight at her. She hardly noticed Harley's scars anymore. "Promise me you won't grieve forever. Promise me you'll find something that makes you smile again and stick to it, okay?"

"I promise." Zara assured her as Harley released her and Zara made her way up the small hill and towards the swirling vortex.

She didn't look back. Instead, Zara closed her eyes and jumped into the portal. As she felt an odd weightless feeling wash over her, Zara hoped that she could just forget it all. She wanted to forget everything—Harley, Castor, the Crone, Benny, Madimi, Brennon, all of it. She wished with all her heart that when she opened her eyes that she would open them to a hospital room to be told she had been in a coma. But it wasn't a hospital room. Zara found herself on the side of a sleepy highway.

She tried to be happy about being back on Earth. It was what she had been trying to do for ages, but all Zara could think about was the fact that it was all real—every single damn minute of Purgatory. She was going to have to live with everything that she did down there—killing Castor, killing Madimi, letting Brennon die. All of it was her and the monster that she had become down in Purgatory. Now she had to deal with what she had done.

* * *

The first several trucks that Zara came across immediately sped up when they caught sight of her appearance. She was certainly bedraggled and dirty. The mud and dirt that she had accumulated during her time in Purgatory mixed with Madimi's blood was quite a sight. Eventually she got a kind looking gentleman in a semi truck that was nice enough to look past her appearance though. He pulled over and Zara hopped in clumsily. She hadn't hitch hiked in a very long time.

"Where ya headed?" The nice man in a red ball cap asked her as he pulled back onto the road.

Right… Zara had no idea where she was or when it was or where she could find anybody she knew. The boys could conceivably be in any part of the country at the moment. Zara figured she would start looking at the house they lived in before she went to Purgatory. If they weren't there… she didn't know what she would do then. She wasn't even sure she wanted to see the boys just yet—not until she had made things right with herself. But without any means or shelter, she had no other choice than go to the only place she knew. "You headed anywhere near Sioux Falls, South Dakota?"

The man nodded lazily. "Passin' through thereabouts. Do you need a cell?"

"No… I wouldn't even know the numbers to call anyway." Zara sighed. "I know this sounds weird, but it's been a crazy weekend. What day is it?"

The trucker looked more closely at Zara. He seemed like he really wanted to know why she was covered in dirt and what looked suspiciously like blood, but he was smart enough to keep his questions to himself. "Must have been some weekend. It's Thursday."

"Of what month and year?" Zara squinted. She couldn't have sounded crazier than she did at this very moment.

"… You alright, hon?"

"Yeah…" Zara sighed. "I will be." Someday she hoped to be okay.


	67. Chapter 67

A/N Back on Earth! Whoop! Whoop!

Thank you, my lovely reviewers: RippleInThePond, EmilyAnnMcGarrett-Winchester, Dirreth, Sunshine102897, chinaluv, Sarah.B, and Tusken1602! Y'all are the best!

* * *

_"Must have been some weekend. It's Thursday."_

_"Of what month and year?" Zara squinted. She couldn't have sounded crazier than she did at this very moment._

_"… You alright, hon?"_

_"Yeah…" Zara sighed. "I will be." Someday she hoped to be okay._

* * *

**Chapter 67**

"How did you always get out of your cell so easily?" Gadreel asked curiously.

"It's a spell a witch taught me back in the day. With a little grace and elbow grease, it's not too hard to pull off." Balthazar said tiredly with his back to the wall. Talking was all he really had energy for anymore. He could hear the older angel pacing in his cell.

"And how quickly do the guards find you?"

"It depends I guess. What's got you talking about escaping all of a sudden? You want to end up like me?"

"No." Gadreel paused. "I want us to escape. Together."

"Hah! HAHA!" Balthazar wheezed and stifled a cough. "You can't be serious."

"I am very serious. These four walls century after century… it's no way to live."

Balthazar knew that Gadreel had been content to spend those centuries here before. The only reason he had changed his mind was because of Balthazar. "It's no way to die you mean."

"I don't want you to die in here." Gadreel admitted. "Down there we may find a cure. We could-"

"We could what, Gad? You're forgetting that we first have to escape—something that hasn't been done before. And if we fail you will certainly have the same fate as I and then we'll both be dead in a matter of weeks." Balthazar said cynically.

"Come on, Balthazar. Live a little." Gadreel turned Balthazar's own frequently used phrase back on him.

"No, Gadreel. You aren't going to die for me."

"That is correct. I'm going to escape for you. Teach me the spell."

Balthazar knew that once Gadreel had something in his head it was difficult to change his mind. "Fine. It goes like this…" In a matter of minutes, Gadreel's chains were gone and the door to his cell was swinging open.

"Your turn." Gadreel urged Balthazar.

"No. They already know you're out. Go!"

"I'm not leaving without you." Gadreel quickly set to work on Balthazar's confines.

Balthazar could already hear the footsteps of the guards down the halls by the time he was stumbling out of his cell. He did his best to look up to the task of outrunning them, but if he was truly honest with himself, he wasn't going to make it down the hall much less the entire prison. At least he was going to die quickly at the end of a blade instead of slowly inside of that musty cell.

Gadreel threw an arm around Balthazar's shoulder and helped him hobble down the hallway. At the same time, Balthazar could feel Gadreel doing his best to heal him so they could go faster. They made it past the first hallway without being caught, and then it was two, and then four. Gadreel seemed to at least have an inkling of where he was going. The pounding of feet behind them receded and Balthazar began to hope. Maybe they would actually make it out of here. Maybe something would go right for once.

But Balthazar's strength only held out for so long. Soon he was wheezing and barely concealing his rough coughs. Gadreel wanted to pause to give him a chance to regain his strength, but they would never get out of there if they stopped now.

Suddenly, a low rumble could be heard echoing through the prison. The ground shook and Balthazar fell to the floor. A large, shining crack formed straight down one wall and through the floor followed by much more rumbling and shaking.

"What is going on?!" Gadreel asked as he tried to help Balthazar up. Another quake shook both of them back to the floor. Balthazar was unable to answer as another coughing fit caught him and Gadreel saw blood.

The next thing Gadreel knew, the ground shook once more and he was falling through a crack. Except it wasn't just a crack in the floor. He was falling through a crack between dimensions. He was falling to Earth along with every single other angel formerly in Heaven. Was it a spell or punishment or trickery? Gadreel didn't know. All he knew was that for the first time in centuries he was out of that God-forsaken prison. Pain flickered through his body as his wings were scorched and he had no way to stop his rapid descent. Gadreel's last thought before he hit the ground was not of freedom, but of Balthazar and how he almost certainly couldn't have survived this.

* * *

"I'm from Iowa originally. Born and raised on the banks of the Mississippi…" The truck driver filled the hours of travel with talk of his upbringing and, while Zara loved listening to stories most of the time, hearing about catfishing in '63 for the third time wasn't her idea of scintillating conversation. She had taken to guiltily tuning the old man out in favor of admiring the ever changing scenery outside.

She was just admiring the full moon when a shooting star caught her eye. Suddenly, there was another and another and sky positively lit up with streaks of light that almost looked like a meteor shower… except the meteors were too large and they were falling straight to the ground. These weren't just pieces of rock. Immediately, Zara knew exactly what place in the timeline she had found herself in. What had felt like hardly a month in Purgatory had been almost more than a year on earth. Those were falling angels and Metatron had just taken control of Heaven.

"Oh. My. God." Zara whispered to herself in disbelief.

"What?" The truck driver squinted at the falling streaks of light curiously. "What is that?"

"Get off the road." Zara said frantically as she spotted a streak of light heading straight for them.

"What?" The truck driver didn't seem to have noticed the danger they were in and was instead distracted by what Zara believed to be a conversation in his mind between himself and their oncoming assailant.

"Get off the road!" Zara lunged and yanked the wheel sharply to the right. The truck swerved onto a grassy stretch beside the road and started to slow down, but the bright ball of light was upon them. Zara could hear a barely audible "yes" from the truck driver before the light disappeared and he slumped over.

"No, no, no, no… shit." Zara scrambled out of the now stationary truck as quickly as she could—before the angel who was now inside the truck driver came to. There was every chance that this new angel was just a regular foot soldier, but there was also every chance it was someone like Bartholomew or Thaddeus. Zara wasn't taking her chances.

Of course, it was still 50 miles to Sioux Falls and on this deserted highway with her bloodied attire she wasn't going to get another ride. Zara bit her lip and hurried over to the driver's side of the truck. Thankfully the driver hadn't woken up yet. She opened the door and pulled him enough to topple to the ground. "I'm sorry." Zara whispered as she hopped up into the driver's seat and eased back on the road. It wasn't like the newly fallen angel was going to need the truck anyway.

In her rearview mirror, she could see the man/angel push himself up and gaze confusedly at the receding vehicle—his eyes glowing blue in the dark. Zara sped up a little and focused on the signs ahead of her. Sioux Falls—47 miles. Zara realized now that Sioux Falls wasn't where the boys would be anymore, but she still needed money and a change of clothes and Jody Mills would certainly help her out. She had a soft spot for wayward girls. Zara just hoped that she wouldn't run into any more of the falling angels that were still streaking their way down to earth.

* * *

Chickens. Chickens were everywhere. Balthazar could hardly see for all of the small, clucking birds in what looked to be a hatchery. There was dust and feathers everywhere—getting into Balthazar's eyes and lungs. Where in blue blazes had his vessel gone in the months Balthazar was in Heaven's prison? A simple reanimation spell Balthazar had put in place centuries ago kept his preferred vessel moving around and ready for him when necessary, but he still didn't understand why he always found it in some sort of farm.

Balthazar choked on a feather and the subsequent attack of coughing reminded Balthazar that he had maybe a day to find the nearest angelic healer. The fall had all but killed him. As he fought his way through towards the hatchery's exit, Balthazar cursed his vessel's taste in locations. Of all places, he had to choose a farm. Balthazar hated farms. Maybe he did it just to spite him. In truth, the former occupant of this body had been gone for centuries, but Balthazar liked to believe that he wasn't truly alone in this world.

The exit's door swung open to reveal an open, empty plain that stretched on for as far as Balthazar could see. Balthazar cursed again and let the large door slam shut. "Bloody good job, Landry. If I die because of you, I'm taking you with me. We're in the middle of-" *cough* *cough* *cough* Balthazar steadied himself with a hand on the side of the large building as he hacked his lungs out. He tried to ignore the little droplets of blood that started to stain his hands. The attack turned out to be even worse than Balthazar had expected and it left him on his knees, heaving for a breath.

The gradual burning out of his grace had been made worse by his fall back to earth. Balthazar couldn't even celebrate his freedom from Heaven's prison because he knew that he would in all likelihood be dead within the month.

* * *

_"Cas, are you there? Sammy's hurt. He's hurt, uh – he's hurt pretty bad. And, um... I know you think that I'm pissed at you, okay? But I don't care that the angels fell. So whatever you did or didn't do, it doesn't matter, okay? We'll work it out. Please, man, I need you here...….. Screw it. Okay, listen up. This one goes out to any angel with their ears on. This is Dean Winchester... And I need your help. The deal is this – Linwood Memorial Hospital Randolph, New York. The first one who can help me gets my help in return and you know that ain't nothin'. Hell, it's no secret that we haven't always seen eye to eye. But you know that I am good for my word. And, uh, I wouldn't be asking if I wasn't needing, so..."_

The voice of the Righteous Man was the only thing that cut through the crushing silence. Gadreel had been used to hearing the indeterminate murmuring of his brothers and sisters from within Heaven's prison. He could never make out full phrases, but in the quietness of the prison it was a comforting background noise. Down here on earth, it was completely silent. Even in the cacophony of the bar that he had found his vessel in, Gadreel had never felt so alone.

He had been in prison since the dawn of man. Any angel who knew who he was would almost certainly kill him on sight. The only angel who wouldn't was almost certainly dead and even if he wasn't yet, would be soon and Gadreel had no way to get into contact with him. The first thing he needed to do was find a place where he could stay under the radar from angels who would want to kill him and then he needed to find Balthazar… if it wasn't too late already. Finding safety in a world that was utterly foreign to him would be the most difficult task. At least when he heard the prayer of the man he knew was called Dean, Gadreel had a place to start.

* * *

"Do you want me to call them?" The Sioux Falls sheriff finally broke the silence as she fixed her concerned gaze on Zara across the kitchen table. Zara had only met Jody a few times in person, but she instantly felt like Sheriff Jody Mills was her adopted mother in a place so very far from home. When Zara showed up on Jody's doorstep—still bloody and covered in mud, the young widow immediately took her inside and gave her everything she needed (a warm shower and new clothes were on the very top of that list).

"No… not yet…" Zara sighed as she fiddled with the coffee cup she held in between both of her hands. She couldn't quite put a finger on why she didn't want to call the boys just yet, but there certainly was something holding her back. "How _are_ the boys though?"

"They're good. Off on a big plan to save the world last I heard." Jody's smile faded slightly. "But judging by that freak meteor shower the other day I'm guessing it didn't work out?"

Zara shook her head slightly. "No. The meteors weren't the boys fault though… It's complicated."

"Isn't everything when it comes to those two?"

"Sure is." Zara agreed. "So is Bobby at the bunker with them? I saw the house got sold to a family."

Jody avoided Zara's gaze. "I don't think I should be the one telling you this…" She mumbled.

Zara's stomach dropped. Bobby—her adopted father. Zara didn't even have to ask the question to know that Bobby was dead. All she had to do was look at Jody's face to see that it was true. "How?' Zara's voice cracked slightly.

"I don't know all the details." Jody shook her head sadly. "The boys said something about a new kind of demon in town though. Abaddon I think. She's a real heavy hitter and Bobby struck out."

"Abaddon…" Zara screwed up her face. Zara had made sure that Bobby made it past his pre-prescribed expiration date. Was this a real casualty of war or was it fate setting the record straight? Would all the changes she had tried to make eventually reassert themselves? … And of course it would be a damn Knight of Hell. Zara gripped the coffee cup harder—imagining that would be the same thing she'd do when she saw that bloody s—

"You okay sweetie?" Jody reached over and placed a hand on her arm—effectively cutting off Zara's thoughts.

"Y-yeah." Zara let out a low breath. "Would you be able to set me up with some bus tickets? I need to get down to Kansas and that semi is much too hard for me to drive."

"Sure thing." Jody smiled. "Anything you need."

* * *

The windows rattled and shook as they made their way down the bumpy road—the sun had just started to make its first streaky appearances across the open sky. Lebanon, Kansas—25 miles. The bag that held all of her worldly possessions was clutched reflexively in her hands. Along with the small wallet of cash and a burner phone from Jody, there was also the Crone's book (still spitefully unopened) and a flask of whiskey (which had become necessary in the past few days when Purgatory made its appearance in her mind).

As she got closer and closer to Lebanon, Zara felt more and more apprehensive. She had wanted a home to come back to but now she wasn't so sure. Yes, she had been trying to get to the boys since she got back a week ago, but the thought of actually speaking to them now felt terrifying. They knew her better than anyone else. Would they see everything she carried with her from Purgatory? The guilt, the pain, the anger? Would they see the monster she had become? Dean certainly would.

She could still go back. She could still run away and never let the boys know she was alive. It would certainly be easier than facing them. But then where would she go? What would she do? She didn't think she could make it in a world like this on her own. And useless as her knowledge of the future may have proven to be, there were still things that Zara should at least _try_ to stop.

Before she could talk herself out of it, Zara punched in the number Jody had given her for Sam. The phone only rang twice before she heard the voice of the younger Winchester on the other line. She hadn't realized how much she had missed their voices.

"Hello?"

"Sam?" Zara asked timidly.

"Who's this?" His voice had instantly switched to wary and slightly angry sounding. He had no doubt recognized her voice and thought some supernatural being was trying to impersonate her. It had happened before.

Without a way to prove it was truly her, Zara just powered on. "It's Zara, Sam. I'm back."

"… Forgive me if I don't believe you."

Zara smiled slightly. Those were her boys—cautious to a fault. "I… It's alright. I'll be at the Starlight Motel right next to the bus station in Lebanon in 30 minutes. You can do all your checks when you get here unless you want to go somewhere neutral."

Sam sighed. He was more than a match for whatever trap she could have set up for him. "No, no. That should be fine. Let me just call De-

"No. Sam." Zara sighed. No matter how suspicious it may sound, Zara didn't want to see Dean quite yet. "Just you."


	68. Chapter 68

A/N So I'd love to say that I was just not posting because last Saturday was a holiday, but that would be a lie. I totally forgot. Sorry about that. :P Anyway, the long awaited reunion is here! :) don't kill me.

Thank you to all of you who reviewed last chapter: chinaluv, Ladysunshine6, EmilyAnnMcGarrett-Winchester, sunshine102897, and Sarah.B! Y'all are the best!

* * *

_"It's Zara, Sam. I'm back."_

_"… Forgive me if I don't believe you."_

_Zara smiled slightly. Those were her boys—cautious to a fault. "I… It's alright. I'll be at the Starlight Motel right next to the bus station in Lebanon in 30 minutes. You can do all your checks when you get here unless you want to go somewhere neutral."_

_Sam sighed. He was more than a match for whatever trap she could have set up for him. "No, no. That should be fine. Let me just call De-_

_"No. Sam." Zara sighed. No matter how suspicious it may sound, Zara didn't want to see Dean quite yet. "Just you."_

* * *

**Chapter 68**

With her last cut bandaged and the holy water wiped off her face, Zara finally got the real welcome she deserved from the younger Winchester. "It's good to see you." Sam whispered as he squeezed her tighter. "We thought you were gone forever."

"I did too for a while there. Purgatory has a way of killing hope." Zara released him and Sam sat on the motel bed across from Zara—their knees nearly knocking each other in the cramped space.

Sam's face paled when he heard where exactly Zara had been for the past year. "Purgatory? What was it like?"

"Harsh." Zara looked away uncomfortably. She didn't want to discuss everything that happened down there.

"That's all? Harsh? You were gone for a year. I think that warrants more than a one word response. What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it, Sam." Zara snapped at him.

"Did they do something to you, Zara?" His voice was edged with concern and his eyes had that lost puppy look about them.

"No. They didn't do anything to me." Zara bit her lip. "It was more the other way around…"

"What?"

"The things that I did down there… Sam, I'm not a good person. I'm a monster."

"Hey, Zara… Hey." Sam waited until she met his gaze again before he spoke. "You're not a monster."

"I am."

Of course, Sam knew better than anyone what it felt like to think they were a monster. He wouldn't argue with her because he knew that any amount of convincing on his part wouldn't work. She would have to convince herself. "Well what makes you think that we wouldn't accept you anyway?" He finally asked. "The things I did while on demon blood or soulless or what Dean did in Hell… We all have our monsters we have to face and we do it together."

"I don't want to put that on you guys." Zara sighed. Coming here had been a bad idea she now realized. With everything that was going on, they didn't need her mess on top of it. "I should probably just go back to Sioux Falls…"

"Hah… You're kidding me right?" Sam scoffed. "What would you do there? Get an apartment and become a waitress? That's not how this family works. We stay together through thick and thin. You need us and hell if we don't need you. You're the only one who knows the big picture. You're the only one who can make sense of all of this for us. You're not getting out of this that easily, Zara."

He was right. Zara sighed resignedly. "Fine."

"Good." Sam gave her a reassuring smile. "Let's take you home then."

* * *

"Wow… It's a lot bigger than I imagined it." Zara gazed in awe at the large underground library and beyond that she could see from the top of the bunker's steps.

"Yeah." Sam smiled fondly at their newfound home. "The Men of Letters knew how to do it right. It's super protected and so big that you don't even think about the fact that there's no windows."

"Sam?" Kevin's voice echoed from farther inside the bunker. "Is that you? With a girl? I thought there was a strict 'no visitors' rule. Why do you get to break that and I don't?" Kevin stopped in his tracks when he rounded the corner and saw who Sam had brought to the bunker. "What. The. Hell."

"Hey Kev." Zara gave him a little wave. He looked much older than the frightened teenager she remembered. Long gone was the clean cut honors student. In its place was a rumpled and scruffy man with eyes that seemed like they were a hundred years older than the person who possessed them. It was clear that he had been forced to grow up quite a bit in this past year.

"She's dead. She was dead. She was gone for a year." Kevin stuttered as he looked up at Sam for answers.

"And now I'm back." Zara shrugged. "That's how it works in this business." She started making her way down the steps with Sam following behind.

"The business." Kevin scoffed. "Everything in 'the business' is screwy as far as I'm concerned."

"I'm sorry. I wanted to try and keep you out of it as much as possible." Zara finally made it down the stairs and gave the prophet a brief hug.

"Well, you didn't… not your fault though, I guess." Kevin looked back at Sam. "Where's Dean?"

"Out." Sam sighed and Kevin shot an apologetic glance at Zara. "Why don't I show you your room?"

He led Zara through the Library and down several green tiled corridors before they got to a series of doors that seemed to get a bit more use than the storage rooms. "Each one's a suite—room, bathroom, big closet. Mine's right here and Kevin's and Dean's are a little farther down the hall. We haven't gotten around to cleaning most of them, but there's a clean one across from Dean… If that's alright?"

"That's fine." Zara hardly heard his explanation as she followed him through the maze—trying her best to remember all the twists and turns. She would certainly get lost in here a few times.

Sam ushered her into her plain looking bedroom and turned to leave—saying something about grabbing some things. Zara just sat on her new bed and started looking at her new home. It was a blank slate. It was what Zara wanted for herself in many ways. Sure, the boys would give her that, but _she_ couldn't. _She_ knew what she did down in Purgatory. _She_ knew about the monster that was living inside of her. _She_ couldn't forgive herself… not yet.

`"So we saved your stuff, ya know, just in case." Sam came back into the room carrying a very familiar duffel. It held everything Zara owned in this world and seeing it again was comforting. He handed it to her and began to leave again. "Get yourself settled in and I'll call Dean." He was halfway out the door before he turned back and fixed a serious gaze on Zara. "Oh and Zara? Fighting your inner monster can seem like an unending battle, but it's worth it. Always keep fighting. Promise me you won't stop fighting."

"I promise." She gave him a reassuring smile and he left her alone to her thoughts. Zara opened her duffel mechanically and started emptying the clothes into the dresser drawers. When she was about halfway through, a small package shook out of a crumpled shirt and onto the floor. Zara bent down to pick it up. At first she didn't recognize the leather wallet, but when she opened it up to see the pictures inside it felt like a blast from the past. This was the wallet of Edgar Martinez—the first man she ever killed.

Zara remembered that day clearly. She had just gained Balthazar as a guardian angel whose first act as guardian was to unknowingly place her in a burning building. It wasn't his fault, but it was a burning building all the same. She then escaped and then proceeded to decapitate the arsonist with an angel blade. Zara remembered that final second where she thought she was about to die and then a calm sort of rage came over her and all of a sudden heads rolled. It was that same anger—that same all consuming rage that Zara had felt in Purgatory. Horrified, Zara realized that couldn't even blame it on Purgatory. The monster had always been a part of her from the beginning.

"You're NOT a monster, Akele." Balthazar's voice from long ago echoed into her head. "You had every reason to kill him and you're going to have to get used to doing it again if you're going to stay with the Winchesters… I think you care more about it than you think you do. The very fact that you're trying is evidence of that." Balthazar had given her that wallet to remind her that she really did care—that she wasn't the monster she insisted she was. Maybe he was right… but that was before she killed Castor and Madimi. She wasn't so sure her former guardian would say the same thing now. If only he were alive to tell her so.

* * *

The phone buzzing on the bedside table woke Dean up. Groaning, Dean rolled away from his sleeping partner—Cathy? Kristy? He couldn't remember her name. The caller ID said "Sam" so Dean answered it immediately. "No disturbances means no disturbances, Sammy. The metaphorical sock is on the doorknob." Dean grumbled into the receiver.

"Unless it's an emergency." Sam's tired voice answered back snappily.

"What kind of emergency?" Dean knew by Sam's tone that it wasn't life threatening, which in his mind meant it could've waited a few hours, but whatever.

"Just get back to the bunker."

"Okay, hold on." Dean let out a long sigh as he got out of bed and started gathering his things off of the floor where they had been flung the night before.

The pretty blond stirred and looked up blearily at Dean. "Dillon?" Apparently she didn't remember exactly who she went home with either. Dean didn't care. The term "one night stand" did not have the numbers two, three, or four in it for a reason.

"Sorry, sweetheart. Gotta run." Dean winked at her as he threw on some pants and left her alone in the dingy motel room. He hopped into the Impala, turned the key—making it roar to life, and he pulled onto the main road. Dean put the phone back up to his ear where he knew Sam was still on the line. "So what's so important that I had to leave right away?"

Sam paused for a long second—telling Dean that whatever he was about to say he would have rathered have said face to face but needed to warn him beforehand at the same time. "She's back, Dean. Zara's back."

* * *

The bumpy grain of the wood table was soothing under Zara's fingertips. She didn't know how long she had sat there tracing the same little knot over and over again. Kevin and Sam had retreated some time ago saying something like they "shouldn't be around when Dean got there." She appreciated the thought, but for some reason she didn't want to be alone when Dean got there. If only she could have convinced them of that. Maybe if _she_ knew why she didn't want to see him it would be easier, but she didn't.

It was partly the fact that she had just been gone for too long. She didn't know where they stood with each other anymore. Of course, then there was Purgatory. What she had done had changed her and she wasn't sure Dean would want to deal with all the baggage she had acquired in the time she was away. Even if he did, Zara didn't want to put that on him.

And it wasn't just what Dean would think of her. It was what she thought of herself too. She was still piecing herself back together again. And while Sam would probably get angry at her for saying it, Zara didn't think she _deserved_ to be happy quite yet. That was maybe the biggest reason she didn't want to see Dean. While he may or may not want to pick up where they left off, she couldn't. If he didn't want to, then it would be okay. It may sting a little, but she would be okay. But if Dean still loved her, hurting him by keeping her distance would be one of the hardest things she ever did.

There was a telltale squeaking noise from the entrance above and Zara knew immediately that _he_ was here. His quick footsteps echoed loudly on the metal stairs as he rushed through the entrance and into the library where Zara had been waiting for him. In the corner of her vision, Zara could see Dean halt about ten feet away from her—the disbelief evident on his face.

"Zara?" It came out almost as a whisper.

Zara stood mechanically and faced him. He didn't even wait for her to meet his eyes before he rushed forward to give her a hug. As soon as his arms were around her, Zara was engulfed in the scent of a woman's perfume—practically billowing off of his clothes. Zara had had in inkling as to his whereabouts considering the other boys' grimaces, but this was just the icing on the cake. She knew she had no right to be angry at him all things considered, but she was all the same.

He leaned back so that he could meet her eyes but still ran his hands up and down her arms reflexively. "I missed you." Those words were their "I love you." It was supposed to be a comfort to her, but hearing it while choking on the other woman's perfume only felt like a slap in the face.

When she didn't even answer him, he dropped his hands disappointedly and motioned for them to sit at the desk Zara had been sitting at earlier. "So tell me. Where were you? What happened? Are you okay?"

Zara hadn't said anything since he had gotten there, but those questions didn't do anything to help. What was she supposed to say? I killed my kid? My brother died again? "Purgatory. Things happened. Yeah, I'm okay."

"Come on, Princess. There's more to that story." Dean pressed—trying his best to keep his tone light despite her less than desirable reception.

Zara desperately wanted to change the subject. She could have told him everything. She could have said she _wasn't_ okay. But instead she spoke without even thinking, "What was her name?"

Dean leaned back and stared at her—the frustration evident on his features. "Are we really doing this now, Zara? Right now? Before we even say hello?" His expression hardened to one of righteous anger. "Hell, I think I deserve an explanation as to where you were for this past year before you go judging me and what I did this summer."

"Did you look for me? Before you just went back to having one night stands with girls you didn't even recognize in the morning, did you even look for me?"

"What?" Dean looked appalled at the accusation. "Of course we looked for you!"

Zara pursed her lips. "For how long?"

"Come on now, that's hardly fair."

"It's a simple question, Dean."

"No. It isn't. Kevin came back and then there was Abaddon and then Bobby died and we started the trials… Life happened, Zara. It wasn't like we ever _stopped_ looking for you. Nobody knew where you were. There were no leads. You were _dead_ for _a year_. And it wasn't like I just picked up the first babe I saw the day after it happened either. I grieved for you for months." Dean lowered his voice slightly. "Do you know how long I kept on looking out for you during hunts without even thinking about it? How long I kept expecting you to have my back? How long I kept thinking about asking you what was going to happen next? How long I felt like an asshole every time I went home with another girl? You wana know how long, Zara? The. Entire. Damn. Time."

"I… I… Dean. I didn't know." Zara mumbled. As Dean spoke, a lump started growing in her throat. It was all becoming abundantly clear. She didn't have to worry about Dean seeing the monster inside of her, she had to worry about him _not_ seeing it. She had to worry about him still falling for her when she didn't deserve him. She never would.

"Well now you know." Dean sighed. "So there. That was my year. It's your turn."

"You know what? I'm exhausted." Zara started to get up and leave the room. The last thing she wanted to do after hearing how much Dean had missed her was to tell him all the reasons he shouldn't have. It already hurt too much. "So, it was great to see you, but I'm-" She ran into a chair in her haste to back out of the room. "Ah… See you in the morning." With that, she made her hasty retreat. Her last sight of Dean was of him still sitting at the library desk looking hurt and confused.


	69. Chapter 69

A/N Hey! I hope you liked last chapter. Nice job to those of you who noticed the little nod to Jared's Always Keep Fighting campaign. I thought it went really well with the story and fit perfectly with both Sam and Jared. :) Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Thank you to Ladysunshine6, sunshine102897, chinalluv, and Sarah.B for reviewing last chapter!

* * *

_"Well now you know." Dean sighed. "So there. That was my year. It's your turn."_

_"You know what? I'm exhausted." Zara started to get up and leave the room. The last thing she wanted to do after hearing how much Dean had missed her was to tell him all the reasons he shouldn't have. It already hurt too much. "So, it was great to see you, but I'm-" She ran into a chair in her haste to back out of the room. "Ah… See you in the morning." With that, she made her hasty retreat. Her last sight of Dean was of him still sitting at the library desk looking hurt and confused._

* * *

**Chapter 69**

_Brennon stood facing Zara—his brow furrowed in anger. "It's your fault." He said accusingly. "I'm dead because of you!" He fell to his knees with his head in his hands. When he looked back up at Zara, his face was streaked with tears. "I'm dead because of you."_

_"I know what I saw, Zara!" Zara whirled around to be faced with Castor. He was still tied to the stake he was burned on and was writhing against his bonds. "I know what I saw! I died for a lie!"_

_Castor then disappeared to be replaced by Madimi—holding her knees and rocking. "I didn't want to be alone." The child whispered brokenly. "I didn't want to be alone."_

"NO!" Zara shot up out of bed—drenched in sweat and clawing for breath. The nightmares had been getting worse and worse instead of better since she had gotten back. Not only did she have the guilt that she carried during the waking hours, it followed her into her dreams. She couldn't get away from it and it didn't help that the boys had continually tried to pry it out of her earlier. She just, for once, wanted _not_ to think about it.

Of course, there was a surefire way for her to forget it all for a few hours at least. Zara got out of her bed and fished in her bag until she found the flask that had been her constant companion in the past week. Sure, she wasn't going to get drunk from what she had in there, but it was a start until she could ferret out where the boys stashed their booze.

The cool air in the hallway made Zara shiver as soon as it hit her clammy skin. She tried to be quiet as she passed the boys' rooms, but she could do nothing about the slap of her bare feet against the tiles. It took her a while to find the kitchen in the unfamiliar, winding halls. When she did, she was surprised to find a kitchen that was almost big enough for a large restaurant. How many times was she going to praise the Men of Letters for their lavish (and apparently deep pocketed) tastes?

She thought the kitchen was enough until she happened upon the liquor cabinet… or rather the liquor _room_. She'd say wine cellar but there was much more than just fine wines stashed here. From where she stood, there seemed to be every kind of alcohol she could ever want. Some were obviously from when the Men of Letters occupied the bunker, but others were newer looking—things the boys had brought in.

Of course, since she was looking to get smashed as quickly as possible, Zara went for the nearest vodka. It never was her favorite, but it would do the job nicely. Once she had the bottle opened, Zara went ahead and mixed a bit of it with the whiskey in her flask which she sipped from as she took it and the rest of the vodka quietly back to her own room. Yes. This was exactly what she needed.

* * *

"Did she say anything to you last night? Anything at all?" Zara could hear Sam talking to Dean in the library as she made her way down the hall—squinting in the bright lights since her little foray into the liquor cabinet last night had given her a nasty hangover. As soon as she heard what they were talking about, she made sure to pause just out of sight.

"Yeah a whole lot of bupkis." Dean sighed. "I tried to ask her what happened and she just started to go off on me about… well it doesn't matter. What _does_ matter is that, whatever it is, she doesn't want to talk about it."

"Then I'd have half a mind to _let_ her not talk about it."

"Yeah, I know. I just wish that I could help her, ya know? I don't know how to help her if I don't even know what's going on."

"Yes you do, Dean. Just be patient with her."

"Sam. She called you first…"

Sam sighed. "Come on, man. Don't be like that."

"But why would she do that?" Dean shot back frustratedly. "I mean, I know we didn't part on the greatest of terms, but… We had something going, ya know? I'm not entirely sure _what_ it was, but it was _something_. And now we're basically back to how it was when we found her in that graveyard wearing shorts in the snow."

"Give it time." Sam insisted. "I'm sure you guys just need to feel things out again."

"Or maybe she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I mean, it sure seemed like those were her feelings last night."

"Then you'll figure that out too. You remember what it was like getting out of Hell. It takes a while to come back to the real world. Give her time and she will let you know."

Zara decided it was time to interrupt their little tête-à-tête. She strode into the library—trying her best to ignore her pounding headache and the conversation she had just overheard. To be honest, she didn't know her answers to Dean's questions either. "Hey boys, what's up?"

"We were, ah, just talking about the new angel problem we have." Sam adlibbed valiantly. "Any insights?"

"Tons." Zara sank down into a chair next to Sam and across from Dean. "You up to give me the play by play?"

"Woah. Woah." Dean looked in between both of them. "Shouldn't we let you get your feet back on the ground before we power onto this new problem? I mean, both of you. You just got back from Purgatory and, Sam, you just finished up the trials. Don't you think both of you need to rest up for a bit?"

"No." Sam ran a hand down his face. It was obvious that they'd had this conversation many times in the past week. "We're fine. What we _need_ is to do address the problem at hand."

Dean's over-protectiveness with Sam's health reminded Zara that there really _was_ a reason for it—a reason that they very much needed to discuss before anything else happened. "Actually, Dean?" The chair scraped against the floor as Zara stood up abruptly. "I need to speak to you in the kitchen alone for a second."

"I, uh, yeah sure." Dean said uneasily as he followed her out of the library and through to the kitchen. "You know, if this is about last night, I promise not to ask you anymore about Pur-"

He had hardly gotten through the door before Zara rounded on him. They ended up with their chests almost touching—Zara craning her neck to stare up at him. That did nothing to dissuade her from saying her peace. "Dean, I know what you did to save Sam."

Dean scoffed and retreated slightly. "What? I didn't do anything."

"Cut the crap I'm not dealing with it." Zara poked a finger into his chest. "You let an angel you don't know possess Sam to heal him and now he's just hanging out in Sam's subconscious."

But it was really worse than that. Sam hated being possessed. The things he did while possessed by Meg were traumatizing… not to mention the things he did soulless or on demon blood. Back when the apocalypse was nigh, Sam fought tooth and nail to not be possessed by Lucifer. If Zara had to guess, Sam's biggest fear was this very thing—to not have complete control of his own body, but still be responsible for what the "other occupant" did. And Dean knew this too. This wasn't just a breach of trust between the brothers. It was an act of violation.

"Zeke's a good guy." Dean insisted—trying to make it sound better than it was. "He's been helping us!"

"You have no idea who he is!" Zara threw her hands up and walked over to lean on a counter.

"And you do?"

"I do."

"Then tell me." Dean shot back. "Or are you going to keep everything a secret like about what happened to you in Purgatory?"

"I thought you weren't gonna ask." Zara spat as she pushed past Dean and headed for the door. "I need to talk to... Zeke."

Dean caught her arm roughly. "You can't tell Sam." His voice was tinged with desperation. "You tell Sam, Zeke leaves, and Sam's dead. You _can't_ tell him."

"No." Zara jerked her arm out of his grip. "That's _your_ job."

* * *

Zara stormed back into the library where Sam was reading a lore book. "Gadreel, I need to talk to you."

Sam looked up with a confused expression. "What?"

"Ga-"

Sam stiffened and his eyes flashed blue for a moment. The angel regarded her distrustfully. "How do you know that name?" It was so eerie hearing Sam's voice, but at the same time it was decidedly _not_ Sam. It was Gadreel—who was pretending to be an angel named Ezekiel.

"It doesn't matter how I know that name, just that I know it."

Zara noticed the angel gripping something underneath the table. She assumed that it was a blade that Sam kept on his person. She only hoped that he wouldn't find it necessary to use it. "What else do you know?"

"I know you let Lucifer into the Garden." Zara smirked a little when she detected a hint of fear in his eyes. "I know you've been cooped up in Heavens prison since the dawn of man. And I know you have been lying to Dean about all of it to protect yourself."

"And what do you plan to do with this knowledge?" the angel asked warily.

"I intend to protect my family." Zara leaned against a table facing him. "I know that Sam will die without you so I can't let you leave, but I know that your presence here puts them all in danger."

"I can assure you, I mean no harm to you or your family," Gadreel said hastily.

"I'm sorry, but I don't trust you." Zara shook her head. It felt so _wrong_ to let Gadreel stay even though Zara knew how much Sam would hate it, but Dean was right on that front. Sam would die without the angel healing him from the inside out. If Zara knew any other way, she would do it immediately… but she didn't and she couldn't just let Sam die. At the moment, they had no other choice than to let him stay. "We need you, but there have to be some ground rules."

"That seems… reasonable."

"One, hurt any of my family and I will make certain you live in a cell for the rest of eternity." Gadreel flinched at that. "Wouldn't want that after you just got your freedom back now would you? Two, when an angel named Metatron finds you, run in the other direction as fast as you can. No questions asked. That is non-negotiable. Three, I want to know where you are at all times. No taking Sam on field trips. If you even sniff in the wrong direction, I will not hesitate to exorcise you and cut your fluffy little wings off."

That one seemed to give him pause for some reason. "I need to find my companion," Gadreel finally said. "He was wounded before we fell and I have lost track of him. I need to find him."

"No." Zara shook her head. "I don't trust you and I certainly don't trust whatever "friend" you may have. Agree to my terms and I'll allow you to stay."

Gadreel glared at her. "He will die if I do not find him. Help me find my friend, and I will agree to your terms."

The two stared silently for a minute in a battle of wills before Zara finally sighed and looked away. Gadreel only had to threaten to leave Sam to die and he could get whatever he wanted. If he was going to agree to all other terms, finding one angel was a small price to pay. And if this "friend" proved untrustworthy, they were more than capable of disposing of one measly wounded angel. "Who is he?"

Gadreel relaxed slightly when he realized he had won. "His name is Balthazar."


	70. Chapter 70

A/N Slow chapter. I've got one more chapter fully written out, but I'm at a major writer's block and college is starting very soon. I don't think I'll be posting much once school is started. I'll try, but I'm just being realistic. Sorry :(

Thank you to last week's reviewers: chinaluv, EmilyAnnMcGarrett-Winchester, sunshine102897, beellaf, KeepCalmAndCallBobbySinger, KatH, Sara.B, and FloodFeSTeR.

* * *

_"No." Zara shook her head. "I don't trust you and I certainly don't trust whatever "friend" you may have. Agree to my terms and I'll allow you to stay."_

_Gadreel glared at her. "He will die if I do not find him. Help me find my friend, and I will agree to your terms."_

_The two stared silently for a minute in a battle of wills before Zara finally sighed and looked away. Gadreel only had to threaten to leave Sam to die and he could get whatever he wanted. If he was going to agree to all other terms, finding one angel was a small price to pay. And if this "friend" proved untrustworthy, they were more than capable of disposing of one measly wounded angel. "Who is he?"_

_Gadreel relaxed slightly when he realized he had won. "His name is Balthazar."_

* * *

**Chapter 70**

Zara's breath caught in her throat. What did he just say? Balthazar? Alive? "You're lying." The words could hardly get past her lips. "It's a trick."

"I can assure you. It is no trick." Gadreel's brow furrowed. "Did you know him?"

"He was… He was my guardian. I thought I'd lost him."

"You…" Gadreel was at a loss. "You were the one he thought was dead. You were the reason he lost his-"

"Tell me, is he okay?" Zara interrupted him. "He just vanished one day. There was no warning or anything. I thought the angels killed him."

"No. They caught him sneaking around in a very important vault—something for you I assume, and they threw him in prison."

"Prison." Zara breathed. "If only I had known. I could've helped him."

"He was very desperate to get back to you." Gadreel continued. "He attempted to escape many times… one too many times I am afraid." Gadreel looked away sadly.

"What? What happened?"

"They cut off his wings." Zara's eyes widened at that. She didn't know that that could even be done. "Since an angel's wings are an extension of their grace…" Gadreel looked back at Zara. His voice was tinged with worry. "He's dying. Without me or another angel to heal him and keep his grace from burning itself out, he will die within the month. We must find him."

"Okay." Zara nodded resolutely. "Let me take care of locating him. You focus on healing Sam."

Gadreel gave Zara a short nod before allowing Sam to take back control of his body- unaware of the entire exchange.

Sam took stock of Zara's thoughtful expression. "Zara? What's up?"

Zara smiled slightly. Sam was exactly the person she would need to help find Balthazar. "Do you know a locator spell for angels?"

* * *

"Since Balthazar's warded just like you are, we can't use a run of the mill locator spell. I'll keep looking, but it might take a while." Sam hopped up and grabbed another book off of one of the shelves in the library.

"We don't have a while." Zara insisted. "He's hurt badly. We need to find him now."

"You don't even know where he is. How do you know that?" Kevin, who had just come in with Dean a few minutes ago, asked from his desk a few feet away. It was covered in papers and books that he was using to help translate for the tablet.

Zara shook her head. It wasn't like she could reveal her source. "I just do."

"Okay," Dean plopped down on a chair and threw his legs up on another. "Well until Mr. Brainiac over there finds what he's looking for, why don't you give us the rundown on what we're dealing with because honestly we're just shooting blanks right now."

"Right. The angels fell a about week ago so they're still getting their bearings, but they'll be organizing soon and they all have one common enemy."

"Metatron." Dean said immediately.

"No. Cas." Zara took stock of Dean's stricken and pale expression. "Has he called you yet?"

"Uh, yeah. I told him to hightail it to the bunker as quickly as possible… That was three days ago. We haven't heard from him since." Dean slammed a fist on the table angrily. "Dammit! Everything else happened and I didn't think about it. I thought he'd just be able to make it on his own, but… he said he was human now. He doesn't know how to function as a human and on top of all that all of the angels are after him? If he gets hurt, it's all on me."

"Give him a little credit. He has had a few years to become accustomed to earth." Zara assured him. "But I agree. Finding Cas is a number one priority. We don't want him to be out there for longer than necessary."

Dean ran a hand down his face. "Anything else?"

"Does Zara know about our other houseguest?" Kevin spoke up in a bitter tone. "—The one in the dungeon?"

Zara looked back at Dean and arched an eyebrow. She had a pretty good guess as to who Kevin was talking about.

Dean cleared his throat. "Ah, yeah. We've got the King of Hell chained up down the hall."

"Oh right… Crowley… The demons... Abaddon." Zara sighed. She had forgotten how much they were going to have to fight on two different fronts. "Crowley isn't a huge concern right now, but killing Abaddon is another big problem."

"Again, any suggestions?"

Zara bit her lip. Flashes of memory from her last night in that other dimension filled her mind. Everything was on track for black eyes and blood yet again and they were hurtling towards it at full speed with no alternative in sight. Within a few months they would be living the nightmare that had put Zara on this path in the first place. Would they be able to avoid the inevitable this time? It didn't seem likely. Zara was itching for another drink. "I have one, but it's not a good one. If we can find an alternative, any at all, we should."

Dean nodded tiredly—dropping the topic for now. "Well it sounds like Cas and Balthazar are our biggest immediate worries, so how's about we get to work on our man, er, angel hunt?"

* * *

It was decided. Dean and Zara were going to go and search for Cas while Sam and Kevin stayed behind to look for Balthazar and continue working on tablet translation respectively.

They were just about to leave when Sam jumped up and called after Zara. Zara turned and immediately realized that it was not Sam, but Gadreel. It was the posture and voice that made it obvious. It may look like Sam, but Sam never spoke like that. And Sam never held himself so rigidly that it almost looked like he was uncomfortable in his own body. He made it out of the library and into the corridor where Zara and Dean were waiting for him. It was clear that he was unhappy with their new arrangement. In fact, he almost seemed angry.

"You are leaving Balthazar injured and alone in favor of this traitor to Heaven?" he ground out in a hushed tone so as to not alert Kevin in the other room.

"Hey," Dean broke in. "Other than you, we've all betrayed Heaven at one time or another—including Balthazar."

Gadreel glanced at Zara uneasily. Dean may not know about his own personal betrayal of Heaven, but Zara certainly did and could bring that up at any time. What Gadreel didn't know is that she wouldn't, not when they needed his power as badly as he needed their protection.

"You said Balthazar had about a month." Zara reasoned. She felt bad about putting Cas before Bal, but it made sense considering their particular circumstances. "With the right locator spell, we should be able to find him within the week—which is exactly what Sam is working on. On the other hand, Cas has the entirety of Heaven out for his head. Every second counts. I feel bad about it, I really do, but finding Balthazar first will take time—time that Cas just doesn't have."

Gadreel clenched his jaw almost painfully. "That's not good enough."

Dean rolled his eyes. "Well if you have any suggestions, we're all ears."

"Zara was Balthazar's charge. You were connected by his sigil, yes?" Zara nodded in response to Gadreel's question. "Then Sam can use the Zara's guardian sigil to track Balthazar."

"Why didn't we think of that before?" Zara smiled gratefully.

"So are we good?" Dean asked—eager to get on the road.

Gadreel nodded sharply and his eyes flashed blue again before Sam's body relaxed and Sam had control of his body again.

"Wait, how did I…" It was clear that the last things Sam remembered was sitting at a desk in the library. He had no memory of how he had gotten from there to the corridor considering that Gadreel had done all of that for him.

"You got up and followed us. Something about looking for a book on tracking guardian angels through their sigils?" Dean supplied readily—not willing to give him the real explanation.

Sam stared at Dean dazedly. "I don't remember… but that's a good idea… If I can use Balthazar's sigil on Zara to locate…" He passed them and made his way down the hallway to one of the archives muttering to himself.

"He thinks he's going crazy—the lost time and blank stretches of memory." Zara glanced sidelong at Dean.

"Don't you think I know that? Do you really think I like doing this?" Dean shot back.

"When are you going to tell him the truth?"

"When it's the right time." Dean ground out as he powered on towards the garage.

"And when is that going to be?" Zara called after him. He didn't answer.

* * *

"So, uh…" Dean trailed off awkwardly. They had been driving in the car for hours and neither of them had spoken. Zara had passed the time sleeping curled up in the passenger seat—her back to the door. Dean had listened to his music for a while, but had turned it off when he noticed her sleeping. But that had been hours ago and both of them knew this conversation was imminent.

Zara knew immediately what he was going to talk about. Just this morning she had heard him talking with Sam about trying to "feel out" their relationship again. The thing was, Zara didn't know what she wanted anymore. Wait, no. Zara knew exactly what she wanted right now… a good strong drink.

Dean started again—glancing at her as much as possible while staying on the highway. "I want to apologize for my part in our feud last year. It was a petty fight and I was at least partially in the wrong. I wanted to protect you, but I should've been listening to you too."

Zara paused for a second—forgetting the mental speech she was haphazardly composing. That was not what she expected Dean to say. She had expected him to start off with something about how she shouldn't blame him for moving on (a completely valid point) or something like that—maybe a defense or an appeal… not an apology. Certainly not for something that was, in truth, no fault of his own.

"No, Dean that wasn't your fault." Zara sighed.

"I-"

"No. You and I both know it. I'm the one who went behind your back and broke my promise. You had a right to be angry at me. You shouldn't be the one apologizing. I should be."

"Hey, don't paint me as a saint." Dean smiled slightly. "But if you'll accept my apology, I'll accept yours."

"Are you sure?"

"You kidding?" Dean's smile broadened. "You die and come back? You get a clean slate."

A clean slate. That was exactly what Zara wanted. I'm dead because of you. I died for a lie! I didn't want to be alone. Her nightmares immediately came to the forefront of her mind. Each accusation, each death on her hands hit her with full force again—obliterating the small comfort she had felt seconds before. Zara may want a clean slate and Dean may be offering it, but her conscience wouldn't allow it. It kept on telling her: You don't deserve him. After what you did, you don't get to be happy. Maybe before Purgatory you could've been with him, but not anymore. If he knew what you did, he wouldn't want you. Don't let him deceive you into thinking otherwise.

Zara didn't even realize that she had started crying—tears making tracks down her face, breaths short and choked. It was impossible to hide from the man who was sitting a mere three feet away from her. Within seconds, Dean had put his hand over hers in an attempt to comfort her until he could pull off the road and comfort her for real. The small touch felt like feathers and knives at the same time. She wanted the comfort, but at the same time, she couldn't take it. You don't deserve him. Zara slid her hand out from under his and held it against her chest—a clear sign that she didn't want him to continue.

"Okay." Dean said almost inaudibly as he put his hand back on the steering wheel and continued down the highway. Zara couldn't ignore the slight tremor in his voice when he said that one word and it cut her to the core. She could keep trying to tell herself that it was for the best, but deep in her heart she knew this was only going to hurt them both even more.

* * *

"You were right." Sam's voice filtered through the impala on speaker. "I used the guardian sigil to create a locator spell and it led me to a small town in Kansas. You said he was hurt, so I called the hospital in the area. There's a John Doe in the ICU that fits Balthazar's description."

"So you found him?" Dean asked—relieved that they didn't have to worry about losing both angels.

"I think so. I'm driving over now. I'll call you in a few hours if I've found him for sure."


	71. Chapter 71

A/N Hi! So after this chapter I'll be taking a break from this story. With school and everything in my life I can't keep up with a consistent posting schedule. I'll post when I can, hopefully often but no promises. Thank you for understanding. It really means a lot. :)

Thank you to last chapter's reviewers: chinaluv, EmilyAnnMcGarrett-Winchester, sunshine102897, Guest, and KatH!

Thank you to all of you who have been with me supporting me all this time and to those of you who have joined along the way. I love each and every one of you!

* * *

_"You were right." Sam's voice filtered through the impala on speaker. "I used the guardian sigil to create a locator spell and it led me to a small town in Kansas. You said he was hurt, so I called the hospital in the area. There's a John Doe in the ICU that fits Balthazar's description."_

_"So you found him?" Dean asked—relieved that they didn't have to worry about losing both angels._

_"I think so. I'm driving over now. I'll call you in a few hours if I've found him for sure."_

* * *

**Chapter 71**

Sam had certainly found Balthazar or at the very least his vessel. The scruffy, sandy haired man looked much smaller than Sam had remembered, downright fragile even, in the large hospital bed and hooked up to half a dozen whirring, beeping machines. His cheeks were sunken, his breathing shallow, and his skin was ashen. Whatever injuries Balthazar had sustained, they must have been major… just maybe not something the human doctors could fix.

"Some farm hands found him collapsed outside of one of their chicken coops." The doctor was explaining a few things as Sam stood at the foot of the bed. "He hasn't woken up since they found him almost a week ago. We're not sure what is going on with him. We've tested him for every kind of virus, disease, and parasite in the books, but nothing comes up…"

"When can you wake him up?"

"His body is shutting down. His systems are failing." The doctor continued slowly. "It is quite likely that he will never wake up."

Sam nodded slowly and asked the doctor to leave him alone with the angel. When the doctor left, Sam walked closer to the hospital bed—searching for any indication as to why Balthazar was in this condition. While he may _look_ incredibly sick, there were no visible indications as to why Balthazar wouldn't wake up.

It wasn't like Sam had ever particularly liked Balthazar, but Sam didn't like seeing him like this either and he _was_ Zara's guardian angel. It was their responsibility to get him back to the bunker and well again. There was just one problem. Sam had no idea how to help him and he couldn't very well just kidnap Balthazar in his condition. For all he knew, the minute Sam disconnected all of the wires and tubes Balthazar would be really and truly dead.

Sam walked over to the little window that overlooked a mostly empty parking lot and fished his cell phone out of his pocket. Zara would want to know that he had found Balthazar. Maybe she would even be able to tell him about how to help the injured angel. He was about to press the speed dial when everything went black.

* * *

Gadreel pocketed Sam's cell phone and turned back towards Balthazar. The Winchester boy may not know how to help his companion, but Gadreel did. The young guardian angel's appearance worried Gadreel. It looked like the angel part of Balthazar had faded almost completely. He was still there, but the fall had left him more human and vulnerable than ever before. It was fortunate that they had found Balthazar so quickly. Gadreel wasn't sure if Balthazar would have truly lasted for much longer on his own.

Gadreel placed a hand on Balthazar and began healing him. Healing the Winchester boy while also keeping Balthazar alive would take much longer than anybody would want, but Gadreel knew they wouldn't argue. The little family in the bunker had already made it clear that anything was done for family—even if it meant making some sacrifices. Gadreel just hoped that Balthazar was family enough to be afforded their patience with Sam's healing.

* * *

It felt as if Balthazar was being dragged from the bottom of the ocean to the surface. Ever so slowly, he could see everything around him brighten from complete inky blackness to hazy light. He tried to go faster, but he wasn't strong enough. Balthazar had no choice except to let himself get carried along. The light got brighter and brighter and then it stopped. Balthazar knew what that meant. Whoever it was who was healing him had brought him as close as he could get to consciousness. It was up to Balthazar to make that final stroke. He only had to open his eyes to break the surface. Balthazar hoped that whoever it was who had decided to heal him was a friend and not a foe.

Blearily, Balthazar opened his eyes—a feat that took much more energy than it should have. What he was greeted with was certainly not what he expected. Balthazar had expected an angel of some sort—either one who wanted to kill him fairly or Gabriel, who was the closest thing he had to a big brother and would possibly risk exposure to save him. But it was neither of those things. Instead of an angel it was... Sam Winchester?

"Sam?" Balthazar groaned. Of course it would be a Winchester. "Of all the humans…"

Balthazar paused and looked closer at Sam. It was… not Sam— more like someone _wearing_ Sam. Maybe it was an angel out to kill him after all. Balthazar tensed and glanced around for something to defend himself with. There was nothing that looked promising. He was completely at the mercy of… he didn't even know. It was getting more difficult to use the angel side of him as his grace was burning itself out. Angel radio was merely a distant buzzing sound in the back of his mind. The person standing in front of him, while Balthazar could tell there was _something_ in Sam, he couldn't tell _what_ it was much less _who_ it was. "Who are you?"

Balthazar was about to launch into some long winded spiel that would buy him some time until he figured out what was going on, but instead his body rebelled against him. As soon as he took a breath, a long string of painful coughing fits overtook him. Damn Thaddeus. Damn his missing wings. Damn his shredded grace. Damn it all. Balthazar was going to die right here and now because an idiotic illness left him vulnerable to attack.

"Not Sam" placed a hand on Balthazar's shoulder and Balthazar tensed for the prick of an angel blade in his chest… but it never came. Instead, he could feel an angel's grace healing his own—a very familiar angel's grace. "Brother."

"Gadreel?" Balthazar looked up through steaming eyes—finally allowing himself to relax since he knew he was not in danger. The fit was over. Gadreel had healed him as fully as Balthazar could be in his situation and for once he actually felt strong enough to get out of the hospital bed. "You made it out. I didn't think I'd ever see you again."

"I found some very helpful people who are giving me protection."

"Ah." Balthazar smiled sarcastically as he began to rip the tubes and wires off of his body and get out of bed. "The Winchesters and their do-gooder tendencies actually turned out to be useful for once."

"Indeed. There is a bunker of sorts that they are living in. It is quite safe." Gadreel rushed to steady Balthazar when he swayed precariously on wobbly legs. "Are you ready to travel?"

Balthazar sank back down on the bed. "Could you get me a wheelchair? I don't think I can walk all the way to the car." Once Balthazar was situated in the chair that Gadreel had found down the hall, Balthazar glanced back up at Gadreel. "How did you manage to convince the Winchesters you were trustworthy enough to allow you in Sam? They don't even know you."

"Sam was gravely injured and I could not heal him from without." Gadreel supplied. "Though they do not know who I really am. They know me as Ezekiel."

"Ah…" Balthazar nodded thoughtfully. Ezekiel was a good angel. Gadreel chose his alias well.

"One more thing, Balthazar." Gadreel paused. "Sam does not know I am here."

Balthazar squinted at him. "How'd you manage that? You need consent to—"

"That does not matter as much as the fact that you need to ensure that he stays deceived. If he knows, I will be forced to leave."

"Okay… how am I supposed to explain my healing?"

"I am sure you will think of something."

Balthazar knew that was his signal that he was going to let Sam take over again, but he had one more thing to say to him before Gadreel left. "Gadreel, wait." The older angel cocked an eyebrow. "Thank you for coming for me."

"I would do no less for the only friend I have in this world." Gadreel said seriously just before his eyes flashed blue and Sam was allowed to take control of his body again.

* * *

Sam glanced at Balthazar in a wheelchair and back at the hospital bed. Hadn't Balthazar been lying there in a coma only half a second ago? Hadn't he been standing at the window calling Zara? When did Balthazar magically wake up and get out of bed? Hadn't the angel been a vegetable only moments before? When had Sam walked over to the bed? These kinds of time skips had been happening more and more often and it was starting to scare Sam. Was he just forgetting or was it a side effect of the trials? Was he conscious during these blackouts or was he in danger if he was ever attacked when it happened? Was there something horribly wrong with him?

Sam had tried to look it up the other day. There was something called transient epileptic amnesia that had a lot of the same symptoms, but it still didn't quite fit. These "skips" as he had started to call them were happening much more often than it was supposed to with TEA. So maybe it was something completely different. Maybe it was something… supernatural. As disconcerting as that may be, Sam preferred that because it was at least explainable.

It had only started happening since after the trials, so it was probably linked, but what caused it didn't have Sam worried. It was the not knowing. What did he do during these attacks? Could he be a danger to others? Would they get longer? Would he wake up one day and realize that he didn't remember the last year and half of his life like when he came back from being soulless?

What made it worse was that Dean didn't seem to be concerned with it either. He just brushed off Sam's confusion and fear as if it were to be expected. Dean often tried to get him to rest which told Sam he at least knew there was _something_, but it infuriated him that Dean wasn't telling him anything. Didn't he know that Sam hated not knowing about these things? Didn't he think Sam could take it? …Unless not knowing was protecting Sam somehow. Sam cursed under his breath. Yeah. That was probably it. It was so characteristic of Dean that Sam mentally kicked himself for not realizing it sooner. One thing was for certain—Sam was going to be having a talk with Dean once they all got back to the bunker.

"Are you ready?" Balthazar prompted after a few seconds of silence—acting as if nothing was wrong.

Sam thought that it was probably for the best that he didn't tell Balthazar that he had no idea what had happened in the past few minutes. Balthazar may be on their side, but Sam still didn't trust him enough for that. "Y-yeah." He began wheeling Balthazar down the hallway. "The car's this way."

* * *

"I'm just saying that in a battle for epicness, Batman is way cooler than Superman."

"Batman? Really?" Zara scoffed. "I can't even believe what I'm hearing right now."

"You know it's true."

"Dean. Mother. Fracken. Laser. Vision."

"With a stupid ass rock as a weakness. Come on, bitch slap Superman with some Kryptonite and what do you have? A whiny, alien baby. At least Batman can do things even when he's disadvantaged." Dean was arguing vehemently with Zara as they drove slowly through a small downtown looking for likely places Cas would've holed up. It had begun to rain some time ago, but that had done nothing to dampen their conversation.

After hours of silence in the car as they combed the area for where they were sure Cas was laying low, Zara couldn't take it. Sure things were off between them, but that didn't mean that they had to ignore the person sitting three feet from them. So she picked something safe to talk about—superheroes. Or at least she thought it was safe until Dean started bagging on one of her favorite supers. _Now_ it was personal.

The good natured banter continued for quite a while and it felt nice to be able to joke around again. Uncertainty in their relationship aside, the effortless flow of jokes and jabs and the comfortable camaraderie between them was why they had become fast friends in the first place. It had always been more than mere attraction or proximity that had driven their relationship. Zara could say without a doubt that Dean was her best friend and nothing could change that—not even Purgatory.

"Next thing I know, you're gonna start bagging on Iron-" Zara trained off when a store front caught her eye. It was just a glimpse and a flicker of memory, but she was sure she had seen that laundry before—and not just tonight. In the back of her mind, Zara could remember a laundry, a bloodied coat, and a lost man. "Dean, turn around."

"Did you see Cas?" Dean asked immediately—all levity forgotten in his desire to find their friend.

"No… but we're close. Drive up over to that apartment complex we passed a couple minutes ago." It was all coming back now—Cas trading in his coat for new clothes, using his money for an anti detection tattoo instead of food, sitting outside an apartment entrance in the rain—freezing and hungry. If Zara was right, Cas would either be right outside the complex or inside with the woman who gave him a bed to sleep in. She hoped they got to him before the woman, who was really a reaper contracted to kill him, found him.

After a few minutes of driving around and not seeing Cas anywhere, Zara sighed. "He's in there. I know it."

"You know which apartment?"

"No, but I'm sure we'll be able to figure it out." Zara grabbed her silver angel blade out of the glove compartment and made to open the door. After so long in the car, they were both itching for some action. "You ready to kill a reaper?"

Dean grinned and grabbed his own. "Hell yes."

* * *

Driving in the car with the younger Winchester, Balthazar soon found out that it had been Sam's intention to get Balthazar in the first place. Finding him in the hospital must have been more than just Gadreel commandeering Sam against his will. There was a reason that the Winchesters needed him and Balthazar wasn't quite sure what it could be.

Balthazar stretched and stuck his feet up on the dash. "So why did you come for me? I may have fought on your side, but I didn't expect such loyalty from the Winchesters… not that I'm complaining. But what is it? You need me to do something for you?"

Sam glanced at him and shook his head. "No. We don't need you to do anything for us."

Didn't need him for anything? That didn't make any sense to Balthazar. "Then I will ask again. Why did you come for me?"

"We did it for Zara."

Immediately Balthazar understood. They must have wanted to save him because he had meant something to Zara. This wasn't personal. It was in honor of a lost mutual friend. In that realization, the grief he felt over losing her washed over him. It was his fault that she was dead because he hadn't been there to protect her. "If I may ask, how did she die?"

"She killed Dick Roman."

"God rest her soul." Balthazar murmured somberly.

Sam looked over at Balthazar questioningly. "You don't… I thought since you were linked to her you would have felt…"

"What?"

"Zara's alive." Sam spoke as if he hardly believed it himself. "She came back around the same time the angels fell."

Balthazar sucked in a sharp breath. Zara? Alive? It was almost too good to be true. All those months that he had been in prison blaming himself for her death to find that she was okay… "Tell me everything."


End file.
